Wouldn’t You Agree? #20 The Best Way to See If You Should Marry Someone
Q: What is the single best way to see if you should marry someone?
A: Break up with them and see how they react when they don’t get their way and to see them at their worst before you get engaged or married, because you will certainly see them at their worst after.
Wouldn’t you agree?
Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
October 28th, 2012 at 4:04 pm
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October 28th, 2012 at 4:58 pm
Wow! What I would do to turn back time to 21 years and give that a try! Where were you Dr. Mark Goulston?
October 28th, 2012 at 11:13 pm
Terrible advice. Why would she marry someone who has so little respect for her, that he will toy with her emotions profoundly, just so he could beef up his confidence in their relationship?! Really discusting! I would advice my daughters to stay far away from manipulative people like that.
I was a big fan after reading your book, but this little “insight” is a serious let-down.
October 29th, 2012 at 3:57 pm
Sorry for the let down Niels, a milder version of the above drastic one is to not become engaged until you have had three full scale arguments with your partner. What you’re looking for is the ability to have a difference of opinion with it not becoming worse than a disagreement. If it goes beyond that to an argument or a fight, then that is what you’re going to be having when you get into a relationship.
Obviously from your comment we couldn’t keep a difference of opinion from staying at a disagreement, so alas Neils, we are not destined for a long term relationship.
Best of luck in the ones you are in anyway and I hope any of your family or friends on the east coast are doing okay during Hurricane Sandy.
November 2nd, 2012 at 2:10 pm
Wish I did that….maybe I wouldn’t have ended married and now divorcing. Trust me, “at your worst” gets worse when money and kids are involved.
November 2nd, 2012 at 2:27 pm
This is the most terrible “advice” I have ever seen. I thought you had some sense, after reading your book Just Listen. However, humans are not toys in your game. Respect for each other has to be the basis of interactions. This “advice” shows a complete lack of respect for another human being.
November 2nd, 2012 at 2:49 pm
I didn’t had this chance because I first met my wife on our wedding day. Blissfully married 26 years to my sweet heart. Good marriage is all about mutual respect.
November 2nd, 2012 at 3:49 pm
I come from a wholly other place. My husband and I met when we worked intensely together as staff on a U.S. Senate campaign. We went on one “date”. He spent that night, and never left. That was over thirty-six years ago. Good couples, whether at home or office, have common values and common interests. Successful couples generally want the same thing, and when they/we do not, each person must thoroughly accept that sometimes the other person gets his or her way.
For an article of mine about values and relationships in the work place, see http://victorls.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/2009-12-22-LADJ_Personal-Realities-of-Working-Relationships.pdf.
November 2nd, 2012 at 3:56 pm
I agree with Niels’ basic premise, that to break up to artificially create stress is manipulative and could create distrust, but the delivery of Neils’ confrontation was pretty extreme. Better yet to have a relationship that stresses honest sharing, asks tough questions, and plans challenging activities together, i.e. go camping or go on a service week with a bunch of people and see how it goes. This will get you a lot farther in knowing your potential partner than romantic dates at expensive restaurants.
November 2nd, 2012 at 7:57 pm
Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful and spirited comments. A question for any of you and others who read this entry.
What are your suggestions on preventing a difference of opinion from escalating into a disagreement and then picking up speed and turning into an argument, fight and war?
Some of the best advice I ever heard was from a friend of mind who is very happily married for the third time and his wife for her second time. When I asked him what they have learned and use to keep this relationship happy he told me: “Nobody gets married thinking they’ll get divorced, but after it happens, you know it is possible and after you’ve been married twice, you know it’s more than possible. What my present wife and I do differently from our prior marriages is agree on ground rules when we run into a difference of opinion that could escalate into something worse. And we both accept and respect and follow those ground rules and accept that doing that is more important than being right. One ground rule for instance is to never use the words “never” or “always” when criticizing the other person. Another is to focus on each other’s behavior or fail to behave in a certain way and to not jump on them as having some great character failing. We also practice what we learned from your book about giving Power Apologies to each other which consist of: 1. Telling the other person what we did or failed to do that was wrong and admitting it; 2. Telling the other what that might have done to them (i.e. caused you to lose respect me, hurt you, disappointed you, etc.); 3. Committing to them that we won’t repeat it and what we will do to correct it and prevent it from happening again (i.e. for instance neither of us will speak when we are angry or highly upset and calm down before we talk it through).”
November 3rd, 2012 at 9:38 am
Dr. Goulston,
I found your marriage question interesting and insightful.
I would agree it takes patience and significant consideration to properly bait the hook in order to catch the desired fish. If the fish flips out when caught, throw it back! If it’s calm, its a keeper, and chances are it would like to go to dinner as well.
Once the fish and the fisherman mutually understand that they are one in the same, problems cease to exist and good and bad become irrelevant?
November 3rd, 2012 at 9:46 am
Q. The #1 reason for divorce in this Country?
A. Marraige
November 3rd, 2012 at 10:03 am
Dr. G – Respectfully disagree. The best way to see if you should marry someone is to make note of your partner’s reaction to when you do something that disappoints them. If your partner cannot treat you with respect even after admitting and apologizing for your error or mistake, then that is definitely a sign you shouldn’t marry that person. I echo the comments of others that a successful marriage is all about mutual respect, common interests, trust and good communication (i.e., just listening)! Hope you have a great weekend!
November 7th, 2012 at 2:13 am
Nope. Sorry. Can’t agree. Seeing how someone will react when the relationship is broken is only one of many vetting methods to determine whether or not a relationship is worth pursuing to marriage. Additionally, how one does the breaking is also very revealing. If someone dumped me in a coarse and unkind way, they wouldn’t get a second chance.
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