Usable Insight – Women are the only chance for the world
Why women are the best — and maybe the only — chance for the world
I think I have been coming close to a last straw for some time, but I think this picture taken after the shooting of Malala Yousafzai, the 14-year-old Pakistani schoolgirl who defied the Taliban and then was gunned down by them may have been it.
The world doesn’t need a revolution, it needs more evolution. And the only ones capable of evolving to a place of caring collaboration are women. Men are just too competitive, need to win (sometimes at all costs), unable to stand losing and too easily and readily seduced by power, personal ego and greed.
Don’t get me wrong, women are not perfect. Far from it. In fact when I ask the women I speak to at women’s conferences about that, the majority will tell me that, “the best women are better than the best men in the world, but the worst women are worse than the worst men” (because of what those women will do to other other women). But my focus here in not on the worst women, but on the best ones and what they can bring to the world or more importantly bring the world to, that men — at least the modern version — do not seem capable of.
Why is it that women are more capable of we, while men seem to be too stuck in me?
Oxytocin vs. Adrenaline, Estrogen vs. Testosterone
Oxytocin is the hormone that underlies bonding and connecting. It is what helps a mother to bond and be patient with a colicky baby instead of throwing it out the window. Adrenaline is about winning and power. An adrenaline rush brings with it a surge of power and that may explain why so many men are “adrenaline junkies.” And once they are hooked on it men will do some pretty crazy stuff to ward of an adrenaline crash. As such women’s identities seem to be more defined by bonding and connecting, while men’s seem to be more about winning and being powerful.
Estrogen is about building as in a nest or a home. Testosterone is about aggression and may have its species useful place when protecting that home, but can also be about aggression just for the sake of aggression. Here once again, women’s identities seem to be more about building communities and creating connections between the people in them; men about being aggressive grabbing for something.
The Corpus Callosum – the “missing” link in men
It is nearly common knowledge that we have a left/rational brain and a right/emotional brain. Connecting the two is a fiber connection called the corpus callosum. That network is thicker in women than it is in men. What that means is that women’s left and right brains are more in connection and each can mitigate the effects of the other than is the case in men.
Although men tend to think of women as more emotional, because of the lesser connection between the left and right brain the intensity of either men’s emotions and men’s logic seems to be greater than women’s. That may explain how men can become so “coldly” and mechanically logical and/or behaviorally explosive when their emotions are triggered. This may also explain that although women may yell and scream more than men, men resort to violence and cause wars more often than women. It is also why preschools do their best to fight the uphill battle of teaching boys to “use their words” instead of pushing and punching.
Tragedy in the Making
One of the most tragic things I find about the current state of male dominance in the world is that I believe women were put on earth to bring out the best — and to soften the beast — in men. What seems to be happening, at least in Western countries, is that men are bringing out the worst in women. The biggest casualty is that tenderness, warmth, patience and being loving has dropped out of the fabric of many relationships as has the relating. And the kindness of men is a very distant second to the warmth of women.
I am guessing that this blog will not be welcomed by men and if I am willing to make the above assertions I know I am inviting the ire and scorn of many of my gender. I am okay with that. But if you must retaliate, please “use your words!”
Also: Human Cooling, Global Warming and Childhood Obesity
October 20th, 2012 at 8:31 pm
“The world doesn’t need a revolution, it needs more evolution.”
Perfectly said.
“the best women are better than the best men in the world, but the worst women are worse than the worst men”
While I can’t say that one is an absolute, it does speak honestly, when few rarely do in this culture that both genders can act like animals.
In the end, I too have thought more women in leadership, without double-standard expectations from many (but not all) men would be good for the world.
October 21st, 2012 at 6:25 pm
These are comments and some of my replies from Psychology Today where this blog was also posted:
Submitted by Anonymous on October 20, 2012 – 6:54pm.
Great Article. That is true that many women have become hard and competitive like men (Kate Gosslin is a great example). This Supermommy trend where many women’s self-esteem is tied up in their kids is more nasty, competitive and alienating than anything men do. So, I don’t know if you can expect much from the women if that trend keeps up.
I Disagree
Submitted by Brandon on October 20, 2012 – 7:46pm.
I entirely disagree; I think focusing on personality types and characteristics would be much more helpful and less sexist than sex. I do think that sexism is holding women back from acquiring higher positions of authority, but that’s another issue entirely (and, looking at the trends, I am hopeful that, with continued and sustained work, such a disparity will be corrected, at least in the United States).
You wrote: “We don’t need a revolution, we need more evolution and only women are capable of the kind that will make the world better.”
The way you proceed to define and limit men . . . that is such a low horizon of what human beings can achieve!
Also,
Submitted by Brandon on October 20, 2012 – 8:06pm.
Also, reading your piece again, I do think you are defining women in a limiting way here as well, forcing your schemas onto reality.
Too caught up in one’s archetypes, perhaps?
I like the book ‘The delusion
Submitted by Anonymous on October 21, 2012 – 1:13am.
I like the book ‘The delusion of gender’ confirmed and inspired my thinking about gender types and how they are always created, not born (even if mothers and fathers and extended families unaware they are doing it). Yup we need to be rewarding profit made from human flourishing, not human suffering as is the reality of the world we live in now, but I don’t think simply letting women be in control will fix the job (hardly!!), anyone who has power and control right now in this world/corrupt system, should not, regardless of whether they are male or female. How to create a new world where the right people/humans gain power over other humans? that’s the question I would like to see on everybodies lips, not a gender war (and I am female)
Don’t give up on Men
Submitted by Anyman on October 21, 2012 – 6:11am.
I have to say I am really getting tired of the rampant man bashing that has been occurring over my lifetime. I have two older sisters who graduated from college on full ride volleyball scholarships thanks to title 9, and a mother that graduated with a theoretical applied mechanics degree in the 70′s from Cornell. My mother owns a small business, and one of my sisters is an engineer for Siemens. I use this to give you context to my life I guess.
Honestly, this article is almost like the last straw for me. It hurts when you say these things about us. Day by day men just keep taking this kind of abuse. Books are written about how we are clearly destined to fail, “The End of Men”, articles like this are everywhere, and I haven’t seen a single good male roll model in many years. Every guy in almost every form of media is glorified for being a waste of space pot smoking man-child. Also, maybe this article could clear up some confusion about your left brain right brain point. (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-myths/201206/why-the-left-brai...)
It seriously frustrates me that an entire generation of young men and boys are growing up with articles like this, terrible media representation, given possibly dangerous ADHD medication more than twice as much (1), a growing educational gap in a non-male friendly system (2), and those are only a few of the new challenges this generation of young men face. Almost every day it is pointed out what my gender’s failures are. Woman on the other hand have seemingly endless positive reinforcement throughout every stage of their life. Seriously consider how your words affect us. Perception becomes reality. Call us violent, stupid, and angry, and soon enough even we start to believe you. Try instead to maybe reinforce a positive aspect of man. You are so quick to fit every man into a role of a warrior, “adrenaline junkie”, protector of the home, or some other testosterone filled stereo type. These are such old ideas of us. How is it woman have redefined themselves throughout the years but men are stuck with something out of the paleolithic era? Yes, we have different biologic makeup, but to fit us into such a narrow definition of testosterone is insulting. That hormone gives us more than enough challenge now due to a changed world.
Do you know what this kind of continued demoralizing of brothers, fathers, and sons does to us? Men aren’t known for reaching out to support groups, or creating their equivalent of the feminist’s movement. We face our challenges alone, quiet, and desperate. Maybe instead of saying men are incapable of emotional connection and thinking of we instead of me, we could try and teach them it 6*. Why do woman always seem to dismiss men as a group’s ability to change? Woman redefined an entire nation of girls in only two generations. We graduate more woman then men every year, and yet you say men clearly can never think in terms of we. Seriously?
Boys do not develop literary skills as early as girls, they tend to shy away from reading. There is such a push for early reading that because they have a hard time they learn to hate the material. This continues downhill as boys are prescribed medications, getting their physical activity taken away from them, and are constantly told their behavior will no longer be tolerated. Do you know where everything is tolerated? Video games and the internet. We become addicted to video games and pornography in droves because it seems to be the only thing we are not judged on. We won’t offend woman there, our aggression is finally awarded, and we just tune out the world. One in ten young adults are have an actual “no joke” addiction to video games, a vast majority are men, and a staggering amount of productive time is lost because this has become the sole outlet for a generation of men who are hard wired for physical activity, sexual experience, and concentrated productive aggression (3). We have so stigmatized any sexual thought about a woman coming from a young man’s head that they are turning to porn completely in shockingly increasing numbers. 36% of young men in Japan have no interest in sex with a real person(4). Porn addiction is causing men in their teens, 20′s and 30′s to have ED(5). The various addictions serve to drain those young men of their aggression, and their care for really anything. Read a few of the accounts from (5). Their motivation dies with the addictions. This generation faces challenges from all around them, but you seem stuck in the idea that each of these sons will end up being in a corner office high fiving the boss and sexually harassing an oppressed secretary simply because he is a man. those days are dead and buried. This group faces issues of a rapidly changing world where all of our primal needs can be met from a glowing screen in front of us. How much does it cost to have a one bedroom apartment with an internet connection? Minimum wage can cover that. The motivation to work hard, get a good education, attract a real woman, start a family, and stick with that family for a life time of dedicated effort through work and caring support is rapidly disappearing in a world where you can have seven tabs of extreme visual stimulation open at once, and save the world all without leaving your apartment. Reopen the outlets for healthy aggression, reward that effort, and I would bet that a new generation of men could find the strength to turn of the computer and pursue a more meaningful life. Keep this up, and I feel bad for what every woman’s potential dating material will look like.
We have so narrowed down the once productive and helpful aggression of men into a fruitless waste of space that entire populations of men have been essentially beaten. Male dominance is comprised of the last few filthy rich segments of the male population who grew up at a time where being aggressive in school, aggressive for work, and aggressive for success was rewarded. My generation, however, has men that makes less, graduate less, and have resigned themselves to living at home playing video games and whacking off to 2D woman…. People who continue this man hating seem to wish their sons a future of living at home having every experience in life provided to them by a computer…We are silently suffering under the ever loud roar of the “clearly oppressed” women.
Try using some of that empathy you so pride yourself on having and read your words and articles like this with replacing the word man with woman. I haven’t seen a single article criticizing woman for their shortfalls, their issues, or their part of the blame without the mention of it somehow being men’s fault. Take pride in the power your gender has rightfully won, and use it to prevent the oppression of any gender, because if you really and truly want to stick it to us, that would be the way to do it.
Side note, I probably made frequent errors in grammar. Attempt not to judge me on this. I was one of those “uphill battles” you were talking about. I somehow think my point will have been made regardless.
1 http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/databriefs/db70.htm#findings
2 http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cifamerica/2012/jan/05/america-g...
3 http://www.techaddiction.ca/video_game_addiction_statistics.html#.UIPeW8...
4 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/30/japan-population-decline-youth-...
5 http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/
6 http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lets-connect/200911/four-exercises-s...
Thank you anyman
Submitted by Mark Goulston, M.D., F.A.P.A. on October 21, 2012 – 4:05pm.
For adding to this discussion.
I am not proposing an end to men, I am proposing an end to pure competition that serves personal ego (selfishness, greed and thirst for power) as opposed to a mission or a higher purpose and that it be complemented by collaboration.
Freud said: “Where id is, let ego be.” And by ego he meant a reality check as opposed to the way ego is used to mean personal ego. Perhaps a modern organizational version might be: “Where competition is, let collaboration be.”
On another point, perhaps you can help me with something.
Both men and women need coaching to be the best that they can be (in fact I am asking for some from you right now). However many of the men that appear to need it (which they will admit), don’t appear to want it. Women seem less prideful or less threatened to ask for and receive help to become more effective. That is not to say that women do not have their issues that get in the way.
I would very much like to help men be more impactful and effective in their careers and lives. Do you have any suggestions on how to engage them so that they would want and even seek out assistance in their non-technical areas of competence?
Thank you.
This article is utter nonsense
Submitted by Anonymous on October 21, 2012 – 3:37pm.
This article is utter nonsense and a stark example of the misapplication (and misunderstanding) of science to promote a social agenda. By stating your claims, you are not just vilifying men. You are also stereotyping women. Furthermore, if we want to create a better world, we need more than just “collaboration.” We also need a non-violent, progressive way for creative dissenters and risk takers of ANY gender to speak out against tradition and the norms to propel society forward. Aggression – applied in a health, productive way – is vital for this process. The solution isn’t to punish the aggressive risk takers. Rather, the solution is to apply aggression and risk taking toward forward-thinking, socially beneficial goals.
And you should read this as a starting point, Dr. Goulston. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/test-case/201210/in-defense-men-0
And I shall end with this quote: “Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
Anonymous, MS-II
Two wrongs don’t make a right
Submitted by Mark Goulston, M.D., F.A.P.A. on October 21, 2012 – 3:49pm.
Let’s say that your response, which feels more like a reaction, is valid.
I also agree that aggression when tied to principle or a mission is very healthy and can lead to conviction. I think what you’re referring to is hostility which is less often constructive.
Thank you for making that distinction.
Let’s say you are right and I am wrong on certain points in my blog.
How might we enter into a collaborative discussion of this particular blog entry?
I am not referring to
Submitted by Anonymous on October 21, 2012 – 5:17pm.
I am not referring to hostility. In my response, I was referring to constructive aggression. And I do apologize if I came of as harsh, but I only intend to search for truth. In order to collaborate, rather than saying that “women are the only chance for the world,” let’s figure out the perceived problem with men. Is it sociocultural? Is it hormonal/genetic? Also, don’t both men and women produce varying levels of oxytocin, testosterone, adrenaline, and estrogen? For instance, there was a study that showed a simultaneous production of oxytocin and testosterone in male rugby players engaged in collaborative team effort. So isn’t it more complicated than just estrogen vs testosterone?
Also you say:
“I am not proposing an end to men, I am proposing an end to pure competition that serves personal ego (selfishness, greed and thirst for power) as opposed to a mission or a higher purpose and that it be complemented by collaboration.
Both men and women need coaching to be the best that they can be (in fact I am asking for some from you right now). However many of the men that appear to need it (which they will admit), don’t appear to want it. Women seem less prideful or less threatened to ask for and receive help to become more effective. That is not to say that women do not have their issues that get in the way.
I would very much like to help men be more impactful and effective in their careers and lives. Do you have any suggestions on how to engage them so that they would want and even seek out assistance in their non-technical areas of competence?”
Why didn’t you just say this instead of assert that women are the only chance for the world? I agree with this almost 100%. We definitely need to find out why men are less responsive to help when they need it. Maybe men’s refusal for aid/care to this is a cultural thing not inherent to gender? Maybe differences in personality are greater within gender than between the genders? Let me know what you think. Thank you
Thank you again!
Submitted by Mark Goulston, M.D., F.A.P.A. on October 21, 2012 – 5:31pm.
Very helpful clarification. It must have been my “male” pigheadedhness that fueled the hubris in my post (or maybe it was just my “pigheadedness” irrespective of gender).
Regarding men being less responsive to help, part of it may be that when men are feeling less than competent or capable they often feel less worthy and don’t want people to know that because they think others will judge them the way they are judging themselves. But as you say maybe it’s a cultural vs. gender thing and maybe the personality differences are also greater within genders than between them.
I would be interested in hearing what others have to say.
Thank you for furthering the discussion and improving the quality of it.
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