Usable Insight – War of the Roses – (Sadly) Coming Soon to a Relationship Near You
When a narcissistic man and a borderline woman get together, the excitement, ecstasy and passion at the beginning of a relationship are only exceeded by the vitriolic, venomous, repulsion at the end.
What is the cause of the intense animal attraction between a narcissistic man and a borderline woman (the genders can also be reversed, but that is far less common) that can turn into vindictive, vicious repulsion?
Some of the most common characteristics of someone with a borderline personality is that on the surface they often seem vivacious, attractive, exciting and someone you feel you’ll be able to (superfically) show off. Three of the most common negative characteristics of a person with a borderline personality are their feeling of emptiness, their penetrating fear of being alone and their distrust. When those feelings of emptiness or aloneness take over, the person with a borderline personality is unable to calm or comfort or reassure themselves. That is why they seek out someone who can fill the emptiness and relieve the aloneness. And because of the chaos in their prior relationships (and often in the inconsistent caring from a parent or parents as a child), their deep distrust causes them to expend 90% of their emotional energy in keeping others from controlling or abandoning them.
The most positive characteristics of a person with a narcissistic personality is that they appear to be strong confident about knowing what they want and their opinions and extremely passionate and generous when initially you are the object of their pursuit and desire. The most negative traits are when what you thought was strong turns out to be rigid, when what you thought was confidence turns out to be arrogance, when what you thought was having strong opinions turns out to be highly opinionated (with no tolerance for differing opinions), when what you thought was their being passionate and generous about you was really about how you made them feel about themselves.
And of course the most negative characteristic of either is the chilling level of rage that they each too readily feel and express, when disappointed, let down or God forbid, criticized.
Sadly, one of the things that frequently triggers the beginning of the war is when this couple have children. When that happens, the borderline woman feels less alone and less empty with her bond to her child and then the need for adoration, attention and worship from her narcissistic male partner rapidly begins to become a turn off and the worse he acts when he doesn’t keep having his ego fed, the more revulsive and then repulsive he can become to his female partner. It doesn’t end there. Down the road this can spell significant problems for the child of an overly attached mother and a self-centered narcissistic father.
What to do to avoid the War of the Roses?
The answer is simple, as soon as you identify that a potential partner has either a narcissistic or borderline personality, cut your losses and run.
And the most simple ways to identify such a person are:
- Get into a difference of opinion with them (religion, politics, money and sex are usually effective triggers if you need one) and see if and how rapidly they escalate it into a disagreement and then an argument. A reddened neck and face and/or spit in the corner of their mouths are pretty good tip offs.
- Find out about prior relationships and what they thought caused them to end. Beware of the person who takes no responsibility for any of the problems and who didn’t learn any lesson about what they needed to do differently (besides picking a better partner) to succeed in a relationship.
- Find out about how they felt about their parent of the opposite sex. If it looks like they are still holding a grudge, beware. Even if they have legitimate reasons to be disappointed or even hurt, if they haven’t learned that the best revenge is living and loving well, stay clear of them.
- Ask them what they need to be and get better at to make a relationship successful and how they selected that and what they are doing to get better at it.
- Ask them what and who they are grateful for and why. People who have trouble being grateful for anything are often people who feel entitled and have trouble sincerely saying “Thank you” or “Congratulations.” Stay away from people who aren’t able to come up with anything or anyone to be grateful for and to.
- Ask them what they are most curious about in life. People with narcissistic or borderline personalities are usually more interested in having or getting something, because in both cases they are trying to take or get something from the world and other people to (temporarily) fill a personality defect (thanks to Cheryl Sharp in the comments for pointing this out).
- Finally, ask them: “Tell me something I shouldn’t know about you.” Watch their reaction and then if they answer, ask them, “Why that?”
Resource: The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again… and Stay There (Perigee, $15.95) – We don’t fall out of love, love falls out of us. This is guide to how to “reprogram” your relatedness and bring your relationship back (Narcissists and borderlines need not apply or buy).
July 14th, 2012 at 3:12 pm
It’s been said that, “The only thing worse than waiting is wishing you had.”
I like that you included a list of helpful recommendations on what to look for. These are great! I would add to look for a curious person–one who is interested in life, in you, in others, etc. Does the person have an attitude of abundance/generosity based in trust in a Higher Divine Source–or do they find ways to blame you or something/someone else on their misfortunes (are they easily crippled by adversity.) Are they stricly “me” centered, or are they also “other” aware. We also need to realistically evaluate ourselves for our own capability in these regards. And I do not know of any narcissists with morals.
From my life experience (not a trained psych person here) persons who come from unhealthy family and parental dynamics are already at a disadvantage to having a healthy relationship with either oneself, or another person (whether friends or a romantic partner.) A lot of poor relationship skills and high tolerance for bad behavior from others has already been absorbed subconsciously from birth to 20+ years of age when a person is finally on their own in life. Even if one was a very responsible young person, that poor programming is still in the back of one’s mind. We live what we learn.
Waiting for the “right” person to show up is a good time to work on oneself through great resources on personal and relationship development (especially from highly-skilled mental healthcare professionals and not “dating gurus”) so there will be something substantial there skill-wise to add to another’s happiness instead of sucking the joy from them. Waiting is not a waste of time. When a healthy person shows up for a potential partnership, if one is messy on the inside, that person is going to run the other way. And, if one’s person to love never shows up, there is still a gain of becoming the best possible person one can be, as the only things we really get to take with us when we finally make our exit is what we have learned, who we have become (our character) and who we have loved (in a universal sense.)
Charm might open the door, but do be sure beyond that there is actually some substance there (even prisons are full of charming people.)
Sadly, narcissists do not get this.
July 14th, 2012 at 3:26 pm
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July 14th, 2012 at 11:25 pm
Dr. Mark,
GREAT Article! I always enjoy Your insights.
I suspect, –if I’d heard and seen You in person…
–then the SPOKEN words (contrast the written words in the article) would have had pauses and inflections at times…
Where as, the written words in the article… –tend to run together… Dah?
Thus, it’s a challenge for a dense reader like me… –to parse out the multiple thoughts in some of Your sentences. If You were speaking… –I’d have more clues to catch Your meanings.
The written words alone… –offers both more opportunity… and more challenges for the reader.
I got and understood You Great Concepts… –with multiple rereads… Your excellent use of parentheses is an example of holding carrying the reader with You.
Kudos!
Thank You.
V/R,
Phil Foley
July 15th, 2012 at 1:49 pm
Good article.
But what do you do, when the Borderline is your sister? It isn’t possible to
“cut your losses and run”.
July 15th, 2012 at 2:06 pm
KE,
If the borderline is your sister, you can try (since nothing is a guaranteed solution with either personality disorder) saying (or better yet sending this to her as a note): “I need your help with something and I am writing, because I don’t think I’d be able to have a conversation with you about it. I find myself close to not wanting to see or speak to you and even to avoiding you. And I don’t have much control over it.
Because you’re my sister and I love you, I don’t want to do this. In order for me to not do this and in fact to look forward to speaking to or seeing you, I need you to emphasize what’s positive in your life. If you want to tell me what’s wrong, I need you to be open to our coming up with a solution, that you will give a try. I am not doing this to be punitive, but I have made a commitment to steer away from my own negativity in me, because I don’t like it and I think it is turning people off about me. As a result, I am trying to stay away from negativity anywhere in my life, because it brings out the worst in me. Let me know what you think. Love, KE”
July 16th, 2012 at 9:31 am
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July 16th, 2012 at 8:17 pm
Dr. Mark,
thanks for the reply.
July 16th, 2012 at 8:43 pm
Dr. Goulston:
These are great questions! I should probably be asking these questions of myself first before I start asking potential partners. The question I find the most challenging to answer/address is question 4. How does one begin to identify what they need to get better at in creating successful relationships? Should one look back (?) to previous relationships (family/romantic) to see what one did wrong causing the relationships to end badly? A template would really be helpful here…thanks, doc!
July 20th, 2012 at 5:56 am
Dear Dr. Goulston,
Thank you very much for this post and all of your work. My wife and I are exactly the couple you describe. How do we make our marriage work?
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July 21st, 2012 at 5:24 am
Dr Goulston,
Your article haunts me because of its accuracy. I feel that I may be the borderline woman (at least my husband says) and we do have children. Im already seeking out other men to fill my void of emptiness, though I do not want to break up our marriage because I fear the effect if will have on the children, ages 4 and 6. Is there any hope?
Thank you!
July 22nd, 2012 at 10:10 pm
To Allhat and Constance,
One resource that you might check out is my book, The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again… and Stay There at: http://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Lasting-Relationship-Again–There/dp/0399147039.
The idea behind it is that when we fall in love it comes automatically installed with 6 pillars that form the word CREATE where C = Chemistry, R = Respect, E = Enjoyment, A = Acceptance, T = Trust, E = Empathy.
But then things happen that cause some or even all of these to breakdown. The book coaches you on how to “reinstall” each of them and how to make it through some very awkward and difficult conversations.
At the beginning of each of the secrets, there is a quiz that many couples find to be a very helpful tool as well.
July 23rd, 2012 at 7:46 pm
I use Parker Palmer’s measure in deciding if someone is healthy. Palmer writes, “We learn that we thrive on some connections and whither with others; we enhance our integrity by choosing relationships that give us life and violate it by assenting to those that do not.”
Parker’s direction coupled with yours in “Just Listen” to say “No.” to the attention/love-starved, narcissist and leave when the “No” is not respected have been the winning prescription for my hard-won victory from being “hostage” to my antagonistic, manipulative mother’s rule, “Don’t say, “No.” or you will live to regret it.
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