Comments on: Usable Insight – The Single Best Tip Before You Give Your Heart to Someone http://markgoulston.com/usable-insight-the-single-best-tip-before-you-give-your-heart-to-another-person/ The Website of Dr. Mark Goulston Mon, 17 Jun 2013 01:18:04 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3 By: Aaron http://markgoulston.com/usable-insight-the-single-best-tip-before-you-give-your-heart-to-another-person/comment-page-1/#comment-85568 Aaron Fri, 25 May 2012 03:55:55 +0000 http://markgoulston.com/?p=6131#comment-85568 Would it be safe to say, in your opinion, that the fewer friends and close relationships one has with others, the more likely the person suffers from some sort of lack of object constancy? If so, I am really looking forward to your next post on this topic. Great post, as usual, Dr. G! Would it be safe to say, in your opinion, that the fewer friends and close relationships one has with others, the more likely the person suffers from some sort of lack of object constancy? If so, I am really looking forward to your next post on this topic. Great post, as usual, Dr. G!

]]> By: Phil Foley http://markgoulston.com/usable-insight-the-single-best-tip-before-you-give-your-heart-to-another-person/comment-page-1/#comment-85444 Phil Foley Wed, 23 May 2012 20:12:57 +0000 http://markgoulston.com/?p=6131#comment-85444 Dr. Mark, Wow! GREAT Writing! GREAT Insight! GREAT Guy! :-) GREAT Thanks! Phil Dr. Mark,
Wow!
GREAT Writing! GREAT Insight! GREAT Guy! :-)
GREAT Thanks!
Phil

]]> By: Elisa http://markgoulston.com/usable-insight-the-single-best-tip-before-you-give-your-heart-to-another-person/comment-page-1/#comment-85354 Elisa Tue, 22 May 2012 17:09:07 +0000 http://markgoulston.com/?p=6131#comment-85354 It's great advice, but I don't think many people would have serious arguments before getting married. Being "in love" makes all the conflict fade into the background. When infatuation fades and reality sets in, I think it is more about the resolve of 2 people to work through (or accept) their differences that makes the relationship last. Which comes first? Does love help you get through difficulties or does weathering the difficulties (and acting loving) help you achieve love? So confusing - a good decision by you to get out of the marital therapy business - although your principles and ideas can benefit any relationship. Thank you. It’s great advice, but I don’t think many people would have serious arguments before getting married. Being “in love” makes all the conflict fade into the background. When infatuation fades and reality sets in, I think it is more about the resolve of 2 people to work through (or accept) their differences that makes the relationship last. Which comes first? Does love help you get through difficulties or does weathering the difficulties (and acting loving) help you achieve love? So confusing – a good decision by you to get out of the marital therapy business – although your principles and ideas can benefit any relationship. Thank you.

]]> By: Mark http://markgoulston.com/usable-insight-the-single-best-tip-before-you-give-your-heart-to-another-person/comment-page-1/#comment-85176 Mark Sun, 20 May 2012 19:55:22 +0000 http://markgoulston.com/?p=6131#comment-85176 Thank you Cheryl. My article was no more thought provoking than your genuine and very wise comment. All the best, Dr. G Thank you Cheryl. My article was no more thought provoking than your genuine and very wise comment. All the best, Dr. G

]]> By: Cheryl Sharp http://markgoulston.com/usable-insight-the-single-best-tip-before-you-give-your-heart-to-another-person/comment-page-1/#comment-85166 Cheryl Sharp Sun, 20 May 2012 18:24:55 +0000 http://markgoulston.com/?p=6131#comment-85166 How true, Dr.Goulston. I do not consider someone an actual genuine "friend" until that relationship has been tested by a few adverse circumstances and they demonstrate what they are made of so I can determine how close to my inner circle they will be allowed to progress. I would offer that your position on object constancy is relative to how close the relationship is to begin with. I am terminating a relationship right now with a woman a decade plus older than myself whom I have considered a very shallow relationship. This is a relationship of many years that I considered to only keep this a very casual social relationship as from the beginning she demonstrated to be an unreliable friend. However, of late after a recent disagreement, I have determined that I no longer wish to be on the receiving end of her vicious, vitriolic temper that is very unattractive for a woman of her age and she is incapable of mature conversations and conflict resolution. This is not an appropriate relationship for me and I feel justified in ending this. (I did not provoke the disagreement.) Unfortunately, she is also a coworker. I would like to maintain a friendly, pleasant working relationship only (nonsocial); she is giving me a hostile attitude. I am confident this will smooth out over time, but because of this, I am also confident I made the right decision to reestablish my boundary with her. I earned my way out of this relationship (As Dr.Phil would put this.) Regarding marriage, however, I offer that today the majority of couples begin their relationship sexually, become "bonded" immediately and allow passion to cloud their judgement. They marry before a real friendship bond has had an opportunity to develop and/or they have vetted each other appropriately. This is not a romantic approach, but personally I want the reality on the front end, and all the passion and romance on the back end. Time is not the enemy when one gives a relationship an opportunity to develop in a healthy way. Our first relationship is with ourselves. I feel having many circles of influence surrounding ourselves whereby we determine how close people are allowed to progress to the inner circle is just wisdom and maintaining healthy boundaries (providing of course we are capable of healthy boundaries.) Some attachments are just not meant to be or are capable of being very close and will not withstand much disappointment, frustration or hurt to dissolve them. Again, I would offer that your position on object constancy is relative to the quality of the relationship, and perhaps you have a position on object constancy relative to our relationship worthiness with ourselves. Another interesting, thought-provoking article, Doctor. Thank you for the lesson. How true, Dr.Goulston. I do not consider someone an actual genuine “friend” until that relationship has been tested by a few adverse circumstances and they demonstrate what they are made of so I can determine how close to my inner circle they will be allowed to progress. I would offer that your position on object constancy is relative to how close the relationship is to begin with.

I am terminating a relationship right now with a woman a decade plus older than myself whom I have considered a very shallow relationship. This is a relationship of many years that I considered to only keep this a very casual social relationship as from the beginning she demonstrated to be an unreliable friend. However, of late after a recent disagreement, I have determined that I no longer wish to be on the receiving end of her vicious, vitriolic temper that is very unattractive for a woman of her age and she is incapable of mature conversations and conflict resolution. This is not an appropriate relationship for me and I feel justified in ending this. (I did not provoke the disagreement.) Unfortunately, she is also a coworker. I would like to maintain a friendly, pleasant working relationship only (nonsocial); she is giving me a hostile attitude. I am confident this will smooth out over time, but because of this, I am also confident I made the right decision to reestablish my boundary with her. I earned my way out of this relationship (As Dr.Phil would put this.)

Regarding marriage, however, I offer that today the majority of couples begin their relationship sexually, become “bonded” immediately and allow passion to cloud their judgement. They marry before a real friendship bond has had an opportunity to develop and/or they have vetted each other appropriately. This is not a romantic approach, but personally I want the reality on the front end, and all the passion and romance on the back end. Time is not the enemy when one gives a relationship an opportunity to develop in a healthy way.

Our first relationship is with ourselves. I feel having many circles of influence surrounding ourselves whereby we determine how close people are allowed to progress to the inner circle is just wisdom and maintaining healthy boundaries (providing of course we are capable of healthy boundaries.) Some attachments are just not meant to be or are capable of being very close and will not withstand much disappointment, frustration or hurt to dissolve them.

Again, I would offer that your position on object constancy is relative to the quality of the relationship, and perhaps you have a position on object constancy relative to our relationship worthiness with ourselves.

Another interesting, thought-provoking article, Doctor. Thank you for the lesson.

]]>