Usable Insight – The Single Best Tip Before You Give Your Heart to Someone
You don’t really know someone until you have an argument with them
Years ago I was the creator of Recoupling Therapy where I helped divorced ex-spouses successfully get back together. It caught national attention and landed me on Today, Oprah and in the N.Y. Times and Los Angeles Times.
I didn’t stay with it, because at the time a larger part of my practice was doing interventions with highly suicidal, violent and dying people and their problems seemed more life threatening (I currently do see couples who are separated, but have each decided to give their marriage one last try before they divorce. I have called that: “Last Chance Marriage Fix”).
I learned many things from divorced couples, but one thing several of them said still stays with me and I think offers the best advice to couples who are thinking of becoming engaged. They said that when you go through a divorce you see the other person at their absolute worst, whereas in a new relationship, you have yet to discover that. If the other person’s absolute worst added to your owning up to how you caused problems in your ex-marriage don’t turn out to be too horrific that can give you a more realistic view of that relationship than of a new one that is still in a honeymoon period.
So here’s the tip before you give your heart to someone else. Have at least three knock down (figuratively speaking), drag out arguments that you resolve completely. Completely means that you express your upset and anger at the other, but each of you keep talking until you’re talking from your disappointment, hurt and even fear (that this is the beginning of pattern of unending ugliness between you) and then you both come up with a solution you both accept, agree and commit to so that another such argument doesn’t occur.
In truth there is a progression from: difference of opinion –> upset –> disagreement –> argument –> ultimatums.
The more mature a person is, the more they can allow and accept and respect another person having a different opinion without becoming upset and escalating it to a disagreement, or if they do have one, can stop things before it escalates into an argument.
The more immature a person, the more quickly does a difference of an opinion move into an argument and then ultimatums. That may explain why when an immature child doesn’t like what their parent or a friend is doing, they’re likely to say, “I hate you! You’re not my friend.” It may also explain why when immature adult aged couples have a difference of opinion they can quickly go to argument and then, “Fine, let’s just get divorced.”
The psychological reason for this involves a concept known as “object constancy.” When you have object constancy it means that you are still able to maintain an emotional attachment to someone even after they have disappointed or hurt you. You may not like the way it feels, but you still feel the attachment. This is often something that is learned and a sign of emotional and psychological maturity.
Immature people and the majority of people with what are described as Personality Disorders, have poor object constancy, meaning that as soon as they feel disappointed, hurt or afraid they cut off their emotional and psychological attachment to the other person and often view them as the enemy.
How’s your Object Constancy?*
How deeply can you feel disappointed, frustrated and/or hurt by another person and still feel a connection to them? The more deeply you can, the greater your object constancy, maturity and relationship worthiness. The less you can tolerate feeling disappointed, frustrated and/or hurt by another person and not feel an attachment to them, the lesser your object constancy, maturity and relationship worthiness.
* “How to Grow a Thicker Skin Without Developing a Cold Heart” – In an upcoming blog learn how to become more mature in how you react and respond to a different opinion so that it not only doesn’t escalate, but serves to make you and the other person closer.
P.S. This is not bad advice to consider before you decide to sell your company or merge with, acquire or get acquired by another company. Don’t you agree?
May 20th, 2012 at 11:24 am
How true, Dr.Goulston. I do not consider someone an actual genuine “friend” until that relationship has been tested by a few adverse circumstances and they demonstrate what they are made of so I can determine how close to my inner circle they will be allowed to progress. I would offer that your position on object constancy is relative to how close the relationship is to begin with.
I am terminating a relationship right now with a woman a decade plus older than myself whom I have considered a very shallow relationship. This is a relationship of many years that I considered to only keep this a very casual social relationship as from the beginning she demonstrated to be an unreliable friend. However, of late after a recent disagreement, I have determined that I no longer wish to be on the receiving end of her vicious, vitriolic temper that is very unattractive for a woman of her age and she is incapable of mature conversations and conflict resolution. This is not an appropriate relationship for me and I feel justified in ending this. (I did not provoke the disagreement.) Unfortunately, she is also a coworker. I would like to maintain a friendly, pleasant working relationship only (nonsocial); she is giving me a hostile attitude. I am confident this will smooth out over time, but because of this, I am also confident I made the right decision to reestablish my boundary with her. I earned my way out of this relationship (As Dr.Phil would put this.)
Regarding marriage, however, I offer that today the majority of couples begin their relationship sexually, become “bonded” immediately and allow passion to cloud their judgement. They marry before a real friendship bond has had an opportunity to develop and/or they have vetted each other appropriately. This is not a romantic approach, but personally I want the reality on the front end, and all the passion and romance on the back end. Time is not the enemy when one gives a relationship an opportunity to develop in a healthy way.
Our first relationship is with ourselves. I feel having many circles of influence surrounding ourselves whereby we determine how close people are allowed to progress to the inner circle is just wisdom and maintaining healthy boundaries (providing of course we are capable of healthy boundaries.) Some attachments are just not meant to be or are capable of being very close and will not withstand much disappointment, frustration or hurt to dissolve them.
Again, I would offer that your position on object constancy is relative to the quality of the relationship, and perhaps you have a position on object constancy relative to our relationship worthiness with ourselves.
Another interesting, thought-provoking article, Doctor. Thank you for the lesson.
May 20th, 2012 at 12:55 pm
Thank you Cheryl. My article was no more thought provoking than your genuine and very wise comment. All the best, Dr. G
May 22nd, 2012 at 10:09 am
It’s great advice, but I don’t think many people would have serious arguments before getting married. Being “in love” makes all the conflict fade into the background. When infatuation fades and reality sets in, I think it is more about the resolve of 2 people to work through (or accept) their differences that makes the relationship last. Which comes first? Does love help you get through difficulties or does weathering the difficulties (and acting loving) help you achieve love? So confusing – a good decision by you to get out of the marital therapy business – although your principles and ideas can benefit any relationship. Thank you.
May 23rd, 2012 at 1:12 pm
Dr. Mark,
Wow!
GREAT Writing! GREAT Insight! GREAT Guy!
GREAT Thanks!
Phil
May 24th, 2012 at 8:55 pm
Would it be safe to say, in your opinion, that the fewer friends and close relationships one has with others, the more likely the person suffers from some sort of lack of object constancy? If so, I am really looking forward to your next post on this topic. Great post, as usual, Dr. G!