Usable Insight – The Marilyn Syndrome
When everybody loves you, but nobody knows you, you can die of loneliness
Actually that is not exactly what the exquisite women told me twenty five years ago whose beauty was only exceeded by her intelligence… an intelligence that nobody cared about.
What she actually said was that Marilyn Monroe didn’t die from suicide. She died from loneliness and emptiness. And when the pain of both of those and the fact that anything or anyone she connected with not only didn’t make that pain go away, but often made it worse, connecting with death as a way to stop the pain became appealing.
She went on to tell me about her own living hell as someone that the world would think had it all. She said, “Imagine this. Unattractive — in both looks and personality — women are jealous and want what you have and resent you for having it. And powerful but insecure, undatable-in-high-school men want to possess you for how you make them feel and how you help them get even with all the jocks and popular people who made them feel like pariahs.”
She then became angry and said, “I may not be a genius, however I’m not stupid, but nobody knows or even wants to know what I think. It’s gotten to the point where unless I have a particular role I’m supposed to play, I don’t look people in the eye anymore. I can’t stand to see what way they are trying to use me to fix something in them or just to show me off.” She said that she used to look people in the eye with a look that said, “You know you don’t really care about me, I know you don’t really care about me, and now you know that I know that you don’t really care about me.” But over time she told me that it was an empty victory and still did nothing to take her pain away.
A shameful confession from me was that I had to admit that although I greatly appreciated her intelligence (and I’m betting she might have been a genius), I also appreciated the beautiful package it was wrapped in.
What’s a modern day Marilyn to do?
I don’t have a very good answer. Looks seem so inordinately important to so many people, whether it is the woman who wants to have them or the man who wants to possess and show off the woman who has them. My only suggestion is to delay having the other person see you as long as possible and have them get to know you for as long as possible, before they actually see you. And then when they meet you and realize they have hit the lottery, try not to be too hurt or offended, unless they suddenly lose interest in anything other than how you look.
There is something else you might try. Surround yourself with people who see the inner beauty in you and value it so much that they don’t even notice how you look.
I have started doing dinners for women who are amazing and who inspire each other and who I am blessed to know because I serve as kind of “the big brother” they always wanted. Being a loving, strong, stand up for you, stand by you, stand up to you, “big brother” helps each of them be the best they can be… which is better than any of the men I know.
My suggestion to you is to identify people (male or female) who see mainly the inner beauty of others and build relationships with them. I am currently drawn to these women, because I am drawn to people who are not easily seduced by power, ego and greed and that seems to apply to fewer women than men.
In the 1970′s I lived in a commune (yes, remember those? and yes, I am that old) in which one of my roommates was a very plain looking woman with an incredible heart of beauty and another was a blind man. Over time it became clear to him how beautiful she was and so they fell in love. In exchange she also helped him decorate his room always asking her what some picture or piece of furniture looked like and where it looked best.
One resource you might try is: Business Women Rising where I am about to serve as: “Resident Big Brother.” The support that organization give women is amazing.
Tags: loneliness, marilyn monroe, suicide
August 4th, 2012 at 10:23 am
Hello Mark,
An interesting insight. There is a short book, called “On Listening” by Carl Faber that gives the best message. It is that one feels most alive, when is listened to. There is another book by Nancy Kline, “Time to Think” that states that the quality of my thinking is directly affected quality of your listening. We all want to be heard, understood and validated. That is one of the great things in having good friends and being in a good relationship.
I believe that we put enough obstacles in our own way, hence the title of your book, “Get Out of Your Own Way.” It is amazing how we allow our own beauty (or the lack thereof) to block good meaningful relationships. As for your advice for postponing meeting in person, so other characteristics (other than physical looks) can come to the fore, I disagree from my experience. I have had wonderful emails and conversations with different women, however, when we met, there was zero spark.
I want to remind you of an old Jewish Midrash (stories that the ancient Rabbis created): It said that after God created the universe in 6 days and rested on the 7th day, God has been putting couples together. There are 2 morals to this story: 1) It is just as difficult to create a couple as it is to create the universe, and 2) it is just important to create a couple as it is to create the universe.
Circling back to your listening and loneliness theme: I believe that we must go back to Martin Buber’s distinction between the I-It and I-Thou difference. Most people, including me relate to people on the I-It plan where we interact with others in a way that is advantageous to us. In an I-Thou relationship, we seek to communicate and interact with others in a way that recognizes their essence. I believe that the woman in your essay was getting sick and tired of being interacted in an I-It mode. I do not blame her. However, I can see in her story that she has closed herself off to to listening and communicating on an I-Thou basis. So, I would recommend her to open her heart to herself and to others, and she will see the interactions that she wants.
As for giving advice, you have given good advice in your book, “Just Listen.” So, if we want to help cure loneliness, we have to be better listeners. So, I would recommend that we listen better to at least one person each day better than we have in the past. Also from this story, please do not assume that beauty, money and power does not inoculate others from loneliness. Only listening in an I-Thou mode will do that.
August 4th, 2012 at 11:36 pm
I drop by your blog regularly.Great articles – take care.
August 5th, 2012 at 4:57 am
My sister was Marilyn Monroe gorgeous and at her funeral (she died of melanoma at age 48), for 3 hours people spoke of her beauty. But no one except me spoke of her beautiful personality, her love for her kids and sacrifices she made for her family. It was really sad, and it makes me angry today when I think of it. She knew she was beautiful and enjoyed her beauty, but because she did that people thought she was vain and shallow, which she WAS NOT. She was used by every man that came within her sphere, except our wonderful father. I miss her innocence and gentleness every day.
August 5th, 2012 at 11:56 am
Hello Jeanne,
How much your sister meant and still means to you overflows in your comment. Thank you for sharing it with us.
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August 10th, 2012 at 6:49 am
Jeanne,
Your sister seemed beautiful inside and out and had a meaningful impact with people during her 48 years here on earth, especially for you, your Dad, and her children. I am sure her beauty opened a lot of doors for her in which it gave her the opportunity to connect and help those she came in contact with on a daily basis but often go overlooked or appreciated during our busy every day life. While I am sure it is painful to see that people may have not had the opportunity recognize your sister’s inner beauty. I believe that some of those people on that day who had a chance to listen too you describe your sister may have realized that they too really enjoyed her for who she was, but did not recognize until that moment. I believe your sister is continuing to touch you and others with her gentleness and innocence every day. Thank your for sharing and I am using it as an opportunity today to pay closer attentiion to get where people are really coming from.
Kind Regards,
Matt
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August 11th, 2012 at 10:59 am
Matt,
What a kind and tender comment to write in response to Jeanne. Thank you for adding some TLC to these comments and to this site.
Best regards,
Mark
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September 26th, 2012 at 3:39 am
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