Usable Insight – Right Now
Right now, while you’re reading this, some person in your neighborhood wishes they were dead; some person in your town is thinking of killing themselves; some person in your city is figuring out how to do it; some person in your state is selecting the gun, pills, knife, highway or roof they will use; some person in this country is heading to the place where they will use one of those means to do it and someone in this world just did it.
Perhaps the anguish and torment of that person has ended, but it hasn’t begun for those around them who have not yet found out about what happened. And when those who care most about that person discover they have killed themselves, a pain will begin for them that they may get past, but they will never completely get over. The fortunate ones will over time have their acute pain lessened into a deep sadness, but it won’t ever leave them completely.
The personal anguish of the non-famous mentally ill and their friends and relatives won’t make the sports, business or entertainment sections of your newspaper or make it to a news broadcast. In our society, these are thoroughly unnewsworthy events. To make it worse, the sense of hopelessness and powerlessness in people who take their lives is too close to what so many more people barely keep a lid on. This causes the majority of people to not just overlook and ignore such events, but to shun them. This adds to the stigma of those with mental illness and even those families that have such a family member.
Winston Churchill once said something along the lines of: “The measure of a civilization is how it treats those who have hurt it” (he actually said: “Those who have committed crimes”). Perhaps a more updated version might read, “The measure of a civiliztion is how it treats those who through physical or mental illness or economic hardship are hurting in it.”
Just how civilized are we?
If any of the above speaks to you, I hope you will join me in supporting NAMI LA (National Association on Mental Illness) as I participate in the 2012 NAMI Walk LA County by either making a donation (the thought is more important than the amount). Also would love to see you tomorrow Saturday, October 6 at 8 AM at the Santa Monica Third Street Promenade.
Find out more about NAMI which is the nation’s largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans affected by mental illness. NAMI advocates for access to services, treatment, supports and research and is steadfast in its commitment to raising awareness and building a community of hope for all of those in need.
From its inception in 1979, NAMI has been dedicated to improving the lives of individuals and families affected by mental illness.
October 5th, 2012 at 11:36 am
Mark, I have been that person who was figuring out how to kill myself. That was more than 25 years ago, and I feel so fortunate to be here today. Poignant post.
You probably couldn’t find the original source of the quotation because variations of it have been used for a long time.
Here are several examples. I also like the last one by Warren Buffet.
Mahatma Ghandi said, “A nation’s greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members.”
Churchill said that you measure the degree of civilisation of a society by how it treats its weakest members.
Truman said a society will be judged by how it treats its weakest members.
“Any society, any nation, is judged on the basis of how it treats its weakest members — the last, the least, the littlest.”
~Cardinal Roger Mahony, In a 1998 letter, Creating a Culture of Life
“A society will be judged on the basis of how it treats its weakest members and among the most vulnerable are surely the unborn and the dying,”
~Pope John Paul II
Warren Buffet’s take (more about how things should work) which I’ve always loved: “Let’s say that it was 24 hours before you were born, and a genie appeared and said, ‘What I’m going to do is let you set the rules of the society into which you will be born. You can set the economic rules and the social rules, and whatever rules you set will apply during your lifetime and your children’s lifetimes.’ And you’ll say, ‘Well, that’s nice, but what’s the catch?’ And the genie says, ‘Here’s the catch. You don’t know if you’re going to be born rich or poor, white or black, male or female, able-bodied or infirm, intelligent or retarded.
October 5th, 2012 at 11:38 am
P.S. I got the above quotes from http://sapphire-rain.xanga.com/621547647/item/. That site does not reference the specific book or speech in which most of the quotations supposedly appeared.
October 5th, 2012 at 2:39 pm
An isolationist, as a result of PTSD FROM the god awful Vietnam TRAGEDY and the abysmal VA one size fits all intrusive intensive psychological program at FT Miley. My one and only thought for well over a year was how I was going to be so relieved to escape my mind and body on such a troubled earth. I had absolutely NO HOPE or prayer. Every morning I awoke I cried and said, oh God, NOT ANOTHER DAY.
Not another day soon turned to not another hour. That hour was far too long away. I whittled it down to minutes and finally said, Tom, I have heard and hurt to much to live another minute…and I got out of bed, pulled a 6 inch boning knife out of the knife block ( the exact one I thought about for a very long time), and casually walked back & crawled into bed. With both hands on the knife handle I slowly buried it to the handle between two ribs toward my heart and twisted it for extra measure. Three years later this coming Christmas, but for the GRACE OF GOD GO I. Each morning I wake … the first thing I do is COUNT MY BLESSINGS. SO GRATEFUL I FAILED AT SUICIDE. My family would not have cared that much, since not one came to see me in the hospital. No even my brother. That hurt far more than the knife in my chest. A soldier or more commits suicide every day. I cry for them all. I got a second chance, most don’t. Tears stream down both of my cheeks as I write this. Hope it saves some folks.
October 5th, 2012 at 4:08 pm
Phil and Tom,
Tears stream down both of my cheeks as I read what you shared. God bless you both and if possible speak to you when you most need to hear his words.
As for others who may read your words, here’s a suggestion.
So if you’re walking down the street sometime
and you should spot some hollow ancient eyes,
don’t you pass them by and stare
as if you didn’t care.
Say, “Hello in there. Hello.”
- John Prine also sung by Bette Midler
October 5th, 2012 at 4:09 pm
Phil,
Thank you for sharing other sources of inspiration.
Take good care.
October 5th, 2012 at 5:34 pm
Mark, what you wrote about suicide resinated in me. You noted that right now, while you’re reading this, some person in your neighborhood wishes they were dead and will find the means to do it. Sadly, approximately 37,000 people died last year by suicide.
An average 1 person every 14.2 minutes annually kills themselves and approximatley 933,000 annually attempt in the U.S. That means that there are 25 attempts for every death by suicide in the U.S. which translates to one attempt every 34 seconds.
Each suicide intimatley affects at least 6 other people. As a survivor of my dad’s suicide,I realize the legacy this sudden loss leaves behind. It should remain a hot topic especially becuase it is the 10th leading cause of death. I appreciate your mentioning it on your blog.
I am not sure if your readers are aware of the top 10 ranking states for suicide so I will list them here:
1. Montana
2. Alaska
3. Wyoming
4. Idaho
5. Nevada
6 New Mexico
7. Colorado (same rate as New Mexico)
8. Oregon
9. Arizona
10. Utah (Same rate as Arizona)
I would like to put out a question to your readers: Why do you think these states have the highest rate of suicide?
October 5th, 2012 at 5:34 pm
Persons who attempt or succeed at suicide are persons who really do not want to die–they just want the pain to stop.
October 5th, 2012 at 5:48 pm
Barbara,
Sorry to hear about your dad, but thank you for sharing. Hope it helps someone somewhere to feel less alone.
Best,
Mark
October 5th, 2012 at 5:48 pm
Cheryl,
You are right about wanting the pain to stop.
Thank you for sharing.
Mark
October 6th, 2012 at 8:04 am
Hello Mark,
This was an extraordinarily powerful insight. Thank you for your caring words and actions.
I live in one of the top 10 States listed above and posted by Barbara for depression and suicide. I too would like to know more about this epidemic. New Mexico if full of beauty but there is I feel, an underlying history of despair and sadness. Many atrocities have been committed here. I often wonder if these past wounds are still lingering. It is a complex subject indeed.
At any rate, I am searching for ways and methods to help improve the quality of life, starting here in New Mexico. With the help of Dr. Patch Adams (patchadams.org), I intend to help by providing a solution. We believe depression is a symptom of loneliness. Our program iPal is being developed to help alleviate unnecessary pain and suffering. We know friendship and compassion are key in delivering hope.
Pain may exist, but with compassion, the suffering can end.
In Support,
Jacqueline Kane Babbitt
October 6th, 2012 at 9:30 am
Mark:
As a person who at one time attempted suicide, and failed, reading this blog post brought back memories of a person I once was. Thanks to being self aware after the attempt, I immediately sought professional help. By working with a licensed therapist, I was, at the time, able to work through the anger and sadness I felt about myself and the situation I was in. Other posters have it right: most times, people committing suicide only want the pain to stop which many believe no one can or will help them with. If anyone reading this post is contemplating suicide, please know that there is help in your community, whether that help comes from a therapist, rabbi, priest, teacher or other individual, to get your pain to stop, even if only temporarily. Thanks, Mark, for this post.
@ Barbara R – Where did you get your data on the top 10 states where suicides are committed? Just curious, thanks.
October 6th, 2012 at 11:22 am
Thank you all for sharing as you have. You might find my other “Road Back from Hell” blog helpful at: http://markgoulston.com/category/roadbackfromhell/
Here is the welcoming blog from that series: http://markgoulston.com/road-back-from-hell-welcome-blog/
October 7th, 2012 at 3:33 pm
I’m prefacing this post with the disclosure that I am very uncomfortable posting my thoughts or experience in a digital forum. I can’t overemphasize how far this is taking me from my comfort zone. I mention in my journal entry earlier today that the only motivation sufficient to compel my posting is experiencing an even greater pain, the kind of misery that won’t be bothered with whatever quirky fears or rationalizations exist.
My perception of my life, behavior, and future changed forever Monday morning when I learned that someone I have loved and lived and suffered with was dead. He committed suicide but wasn’t found until 6 weeks afterwards. He called his sister but she didn’t want to talk to him. She was sure he was just going to ask for more money, so she sent him an email. He didn’t let her know that he was in trouble and needed help.
I met my friend in 1998. This was before he started smoking meth. He didn’t even drink, he was so obsessed with working out. His self-righteousness about what he didn’t put in his body was often annoying. He had no experience with neurological or mental illness and as a result of his ignorance, would sometimes made insensitive comments. It was very difficult for him to empathize with my depression when it was active. He actually made my pursuing therapy a condition of our relationship (and I am grateful for that, today).
Then something happened. One night in 2002, he didn’t come home. This was completely out of the norm. When he finally made an appearance was when I learned that he had been using for the previous year. It started out as situational, then once a month, then on the weekends and finally, he was on a run. I was clueless. It hadn’t even crossed my mind. I had never seen the drug or known anyone who used it. Our relationship as a couple eventually disintegrated and the engagement became a sad memory for me.
When he moved out it was only to an apartment a few doors down. His use accelerated when he wasn’t trying to stay clean. We remained very close. I went to meetings with him when he re-surfaced and I ensured he was ok when he went into his isolation and stopped calling or showing his face outside his apartment. Then I would try fattening him back up and convincing him to change what he was doing.
One night he called for help. I entered his apartment where he had stockpiled guns, rifles and an axe. He was talking out loud. He was having a conversation with the pictures on the wall of Jesus, Joseph and the Virgin Mary. It was a full blown psychotic episode and I made a call to my doctor. I locked the weapons in the trunk of car and drove him to the psychiatrist’s office. My friend desperately needed treatment and didn’t have the means to access that in the U.S. When he fell asleep after the sedative and anti-psychotic med kicked in, I booked him a one-way flight back to Toronto, where he was born.
He would receive the treatment he needed there. I didn’t want to say goodbye and I was also grateful that he agreed to go and check himself into a Canadian hospital. He was in the hospital for 6 months before released into a sober living home. I know he was still struggling with on/off again use. When he did finally completely stop using, the damage was done. A year of clean time was accompanied with a new diagnosis: Schizophrenia. His hallucinations and delusions were disabling and he was managing them with meds.
I guess he wasn’t taking care of himself. I suspect his sister thought he was going to ask for money because he had relapsed. I believe whichever or both of these conditions led to his being vulnerable to psychosis and he listened to what the voices told him, this time. He put a rope around his neck and hung until he died.
My grief is recognizing how he suffered alone, afraid and desperate. NO ONE deserves this. Not under any circumstance. 1000+ plus people viewed his online memorial website. What if we had all called or reached out to him, instead, the day before he died?
Today, I’m the person with a diagnosis. And I have some very difficult truths to face and wreckage to account for.
Thanks for the space to get that all said and please, please consider the experience of those that have gone before you and respect the severity of psychotic symptoms–no one ever thinks the worst can happen to them. I dodged the addiction bullet for 38 years. I thought I was different. I am not.
We deserve to live without the kind of fear and isolation my friend lived in the final moments of his life.
He would have been 50 next month and let me say that, man, time flies by.
I apologize for the length. I’m still emotionally wrecked, so, pardon any generalizations or offense.
October 10th, 2012 at 9:03 pm
Dear Eva,
Thank you for sharing as you have about your friend and the tragedy of what happened to him.
They say we are not our brother’s keeper in the Bible for a reason.
It will not do him any good for you to beat up on yourself. It may help readers who read your post who are in a similar situation to learn from what you are trying to tell them to try something with one of their friends that you felt you didn’t do with your.
To other readers, if that is the case, it might help to share that with Eva in a comment.
Take good care Eva.
Dr. G
October 11th, 2012 at 4:54 pm
Dr. G.,
I am an avid reader and collector of all your published works to date because when I read your writings, it is an authentic voice I hear, one that has walked the paths being described.
FWIW, the bible has much to say about our being our brother’s keepers. The first mention of this actually occurs in Genesis. As the story goes, Cain slew his brother Abel. When God asked Cain where his brother was, Cain relied with a question of his own: “am I my brother’s keeper?”
Since that verse, there is a rich continuum of later biblical verse that suggests that we are, indeed, most responsible for the care of our fellow human beings complete with admonishments for not doing so and promises of immense blessing when it is done. I don’t blame myself as much as I put blame generally upon the society we share that demonizes both addiction and mental illness. It is the tendency to shun and condemn those who by nature of their illnesses need the help of other people that is indicative of how civilized we are Not. As the product of fear, it is ignorant and barbaric. As the result of repeated frustration and disappointment, the tendency is a strong signal that it requires more people than one, more families than one and more communities than one to care for the individuals that form society.
We must be our brother’s keepers. If not us, than whom? What becomes of society if we each decide to concern ourselves and sacrifice what we have only for ourselves?
October 11th, 2012 at 7:51 pm
Thank you again Eva for writing from your heart. I will take what you said a step further, in that I think we all have a responsibility for and to our fellow human beings. That said, I don’t think it does anyone any good to beat up on themselves for not living up to the ideal of who we would like to be. I think it works better to just dedicate ourselves to being better. I’m much more of believer in the power of taking responsibility and honoring others by paying forward what they have given us than on being plagued by guilt.
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