The Website of Dr. Mark Goulston

Usable Insight – Independence Poison – Coming Soon to a Child Near You

hov·er·cod·dle [huhv-er kod-l]

verb (used with object), hovercod·dled, hovercod·dling.
1. to intrude upon a child’s space and stifle their developing a capacity for independent thinking, thinking on their feet and problem solving
2. to baby a child that is not a baby and to bail them out from having to take responsibility for and face the consequences of their actions thereby disabling them from a successful, happy or fulfilling life

Something to keep in mind is that at the same exact moment you hovercoddle your child, there are probably at least ten million children their same age dealing with a situation on their own and/or facing the consequences of their actions and becoming stronger, more resourceful and learning from it to become more independent and self-reliant.  And twenty years from now that child will be your child’s boss and they are not going to hover (unless they’re a micromanager – the topic of another blog) nor bail your child out.  Instead they will fire them.

Seven signs in an adult that has been hovecoddled as a child:

  1. When something goes wrong they rant and rave and tantrum or sulk and become sullen until someone steps in to fix it
  2. They draw a blank from anything that is 6 degrees of separation from their comfort zone
  3. They have great difficulty thinking on their own in novel situations
  4. They have relationship problems and will often threaten to break up or get a divorce if they are upset
  5. They act entitled
  6. They are high-maintenance (i.e. easy to upset, difficult to please)
  7. They are often put on anti-depressants when their real issue is an underlying personality problem

Sometimes the only way for this child to break free of this is by rebelling which will often dumbfound, upset and anger the parent who views them as a “rebel without a cause.”  The fact is that such a child does have a cause and if you are that parent, you will discover that cause in the mirror.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 3rd, 2012 at 11:14 am and is filed under Family. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

9 Responses to “Usable Insight – Independence Poison – Coming Soon to a Child Near You”

  1. Anon Says:
    July 3rd, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    Excellent observations. I encounter many adults who have obviously been brought up in this manner, see nothing wrong with their entitled, ‘the world owes me ‘ attitude and are keen to replicate it in their children.

  2. M Says:
    July 3rd, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Could you provide a link to the micro manager article you referenced?

    Also, any tips for dealing with an adult who was hover coddled?

  3. MAYRA Says:
    July 6th, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    Hola Dr. Mark, quiero decirle q estoy encantada con sus libros, bueno en realidad solo he leido uno el de “SOLO ESCUCHA”, usted dice y enseña cosas que si funcionan, me gustaria tener comunicacion con usted, tengo un problema y me gustaria comentarselo yo vivo en EL SALVADOR, si me responde a este comentario seria perfecto, creame que he puesto en practica varios de sus utilisimos consejo de ese libro y me han ayudado y pues he comprobado que si funcionan, disculpeme que le escribo en español, pero no se hablar mucho el ingles, su libro me ha ayudado muchisimo en mi vida y quisiera me aconsejara con un problema que tengo actualmente, me gustari me pueda responder, bendiciones Dr. Mark :)

  4. Mark Says:
    July 7th, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Hola Mayra,
    Yo no hablo español, pero yo traduje su comentario en en Inglés. Gracias por sus obras de tipo y quiero saber cómo puedo estar al servicio de usted.
    Saludos cordiales,
    Dr. G

  5. MAYRA Says:
    July 8th, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    Wooooowwww, Dr. Mark!!!, estoy muy sorprendida y encantada por que ha respondido mi comentario!, estoy muy feliz por eso, muchas gracias por su amable respuesta Dr. Mark, la verdad me gustaria saber si podemos comunicarnos por hotmail, escribame a mi correo porfavor para poder contarle mi problema, mi hotmail es macr89@htmail.com, yo le respondere contandole mi caso yo se que usted puede ayudarme, saludos Dr. Goulston

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