Usable Insight – Happy Valentine’s Day – Are You Listening?
She: “You need to work harder on this relationship?”
He: “What the f— does that mean?”
When a woman says the above to a man, he scratches his head and thinks, “Do I need a shovel, do you want me to fix something in the house and when it comes to communication, I listen to you and then tell you what I think is a good solution… which you hate.”
What a woman needs to understand is that “working on a relationship” does not make sense to a man, is something he can’t understand and clearly from the tone of voice coming from that woman is obviously something he is incompetent at.
If you as the woman want the result of your little lecture/tutorial to be for him to be more caring, understanding, demonstrative and emotionally understanding and you think the above approach will produce that, with all due respect… you’re batty.
I realize I have about one more paragraph before you ladies tell me to take a hike or worse, so here goes my last shot with you.
Men don’t know how to work on a relationship or nearly anything intangible or something they can’t use cold (yes, guys… COLD) logic with. What men do know how to do is focus.
A couple that are two of my closest friends could have had the above exchange. When the wife said to her husband, “You need to listen better,” he smiled through clenched teeth and replied, “I do listen to you.”
He may have thought he was listening in his strategy to turn a conversation into a problem, come up with a solution, offer the solution and expect it to be greeted with opened arms and a, “Why thank you honey smile!” NOT A CHANCE!
Instead, she realized that he was great at focusing. And so she told him, with a kinder more patient and one glass of wine induced loving tone, “Just focus on what I am saying.”
Bingo! He was amazing at focusing on what his clients, customers and employees said and then drilling down even deeper until he understood and they felt understood. So now when his wife spoke, instead of pulling back and anticipating a “You’re clueless” look or those actual words, he leaned into what she was saying.
When she said something that had an emotional spin, a little hyperbole, or a word such as “never,” “always,” “awful” or “if only,” he would wait patiently for her to finish and then respond with, “Say more about that (repeating the word to her).”*
That would cause her to go even deeper and open up more and after she finished what she said next, he simply replied in an affirming and validating and encouraging her to talk even more tone, “Really!” After that she would go even deeper.
Following that he would say, “And the way that (situation) made you feel was __________ (and if she didn’t say, he would suggest words, such as: “Frustrated,” “Hurt,” “Angry,” “Ticked off,” “Betrayed”)” after which she would open up even further.
He then asked her: “What did you do next?” to which she told him. And then he asked her, “How did it work out?” to which she answered.
He then followed with, “I’m sorry that happened to you, what can I do to help?”
She just smiled, communicating that he already had.
And that night… he got lucky.
* The above dialogue is explained in greater detail under the concept of conversation deepeners in “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (Amacom, $24.95).
Also:
- Valentine’s Day – The 10 Habits of Happy Couples
- Six Steps to an Intimately Memorable Valentine’s Day
Tags: communication, love, marriage, valentine's day
February 11th, 2012 at 7:48 pm
Is what I just read for real? I wish it were that simple. The approach works indeed very well with a client but there is a major difference with a spouse/partner: there is a lot more vested interest on both sides; we probably don’t have as much patience as we have with a client or as a client has with us. A client will accept all our questions and our digging deeper because we are not expected to know everything of the client. With a spouse/partner there is an expectation that we know or should know so why are we asking all those questions and if we are asking them it’s because we haven’t been listening over all those years. So, in a nutshell, I think the approach can be self defeating rather than helpful.
February 12th, 2012 at 4:27 pm
Your website is fantastic, I just found your website at Google, I am interested to learn more. Hope it works out for me. TQ
February 12th, 2012 at 5:49 pm
Thank you for you comments. JYM, I appreciate your comments and agree that the suggested approach sound more tactical than earnest or sincere. However something I have noticed in a pretty high percentage of couples is something called “marital shyness,” where people who love each other often refrain from talking about awkward subjects. And the more they avoid talking about them, the greater the shyness. I don’t think couples lack the will to talk openly about emotionally intimate things, I think many couples lack a way.
Something I have also observed between males and females when their is a divide between them is that men will not step into the gap unless what the woman is saying makes sense and women will not step into the gap unless what the man is saying feels right. The more defensively logical the man becomes, the less it feels right to the woman; the more frustrated that makes her, the more the man feels she is not making sense.
February 14th, 2012 at 4:50 am
I certainly learned about the majority of this, but that being said, I still assumed it had been practical. Sweet job!
February 14th, 2012 at 11:26 am
New beautiful subject thank you for this information
February 15th, 2012 at 3:04 am
Marvelous blog. This was a extremely fascinating article. Cheers over again – I will drop by again.
February 15th, 2012 at 4:28 pm
Exceptional blog, you must look after the intense work here!
February 16th, 2012 at 2:37 am
Truly entertaining blog. This is a very interesting article. Cheers again – I will come again.
February 16th, 2012 at 9:24 am
Thank you for this blog, it was just what I was looking for. There is so much information here, so I thank you so much for enlightening my mind.
February 20th, 2012 at 6:02 pm
Please let me know if you’re looking for a article author for your blog. You have some really great posts and I think I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d really like to write some articles for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine. Please send me an e-mail if interested. Many thanks!
February 20th, 2012 at 9:53 pm
Kudos for this article. I thought your blog post is really fascinating. Thanks!
February 21st, 2012 at 10:34 pm
Wonderful post. I think your blog was highly absorbing. I wish to find even more soon.
February 23rd, 2012 at 5:32 am
Zune and iPod: Most people compare the Zune to the Touch, but after seeing how slim and surprisingly small and light it is, I consider it to be a rather unique hybrid that combines qualities of both the Touch and the Nano. It’s very colorful and lovely OLED screen is slightly smaller than the touch screen, but the player itself feels quite a bit smaller and lighter. It weighs about 2/3 as much, and is noticeably smaller in width and height, while being just a hair thicker.
February 23rd, 2012 at 11:34 pm
Highly entertaining article. You often write a absorbing post. I would like to uncover more in future.
February 24th, 2012 at 1:39 am
Marvelous post. You always publish a riveting article. I will come again very soon.
February 25th, 2012 at 9:32 am
Getting a boyfriend is not as hard as it seems…
Well associated with since the majority of people could get a boyfriend, a number of these women Really have boyfriends yet, in actuality you can’t say everyone come to relationships that really make sure happy. Usually because those turn out to be co-…
February 26th, 2012 at 5:24 am
Featured article, I saved in My Favorites
February 26th, 2012 at 3:44 pm
Your post is the best I have seen for a long time!
February 27th, 2012 at 1:36 pm
I entirely like this blog. If it’s not trouble make more posts…
February 28th, 2012 at 5:44 am
http://nettebladet.eu/nettebladet-europa-er-i-stort-behov-for-nytt-lederskap/
February 28th, 2012 at 9:44 pm
Awesome post.. I had to scan it twice to comprehend it all though, haha!
February 28th, 2012 at 10:39 pm
Kudos for this blog. I think your blog is pretty absorbing. I would like to read others very soon.
February 29th, 2012 at 2:44 am
Kudos for this post. You always write a absorbing blog post. I wish to discover even more soon.
February 29th, 2012 at 4:47 am
I appreciate your sense of comedy within your blogs.
February 29th, 2012 at 5:05 am
Highly entertaining blog post. This was a really interesting article. Thanks!
February 29th, 2012 at 11:57 am
Thank you so much for sharing your amazing knowledge with all of us. I’m waiting for some updates.
February 29th, 2012 at 1:19 pm
I would like to praise the creator of this blog for his work! Great posts, cute design and frequent updates! Keep up the good work!
February 29th, 2012 at 9:12 pm
Excellent post. I want to thank you for this informative read. I really appreciate sharing this great post. Keep up your work.
March 2nd, 2012 at 5:14 pm
Need Backlinks that perform to raise your rankings? Click Right here: Best Backlinks
March 3rd, 2012 at 2:30 pm
Simple but admirable content. Wonderful posts! Great stuff, just great!
March 6th, 2012 at 9:08 pm
I just wanted to leave a comment to say that I enjoy your blog. Looking at the number of comments, I see others feel the same way! Congratulations on a very popular blog.
March 11th, 2012 at 12:46 pm
I¡¦ve recently started a blog, the information you provide on this website has helped me tremendously. Thanks for all of your time & work.