The Website of Dr. Mark Goulston

Until you look each other in the eye,
offer a heartfelt apology,
make and keep a commitment to not doing
what you did to hurt or disrespect the other person,
you may get past an argument,
but you haven’t gotten over it.

If you’re angry at someone and you can’t make it all the way to ten, how about counting to three?

So next time someone ticks you off…

1. Think of the first thing you want to say or do and don’t say or do that and then take a slow breath and exhale.
2. Think of the second thing you want to say or do and don’t say or do that and then take a slow breath and exhale.
3. Think of the third thing you want to say or do and SAY or DO that and then you may not need to take a slow breath and exhale.

Why?

• The first thing you want to say or do is about protecting yourself (i.e. fight or flight). If instead of saying or doing those, you think of the consequences, that may help you not do them.
• The second thing you want to say or do is about retaliating. If instead of saying or doing those, you think of the consequences, that may help you not do them.
• The third thing you want to say or do is about looking for a solution. If instead, you think of the consequences, you may actually find that they make the situation better.

When it comes to a marriage or a committed relationship, the best advice I heard came from a friend and his wife.  It was his third marriage and her second and they were very happy.  When I asked them the secret, he said:  “We both realized that needing to be right and win cost us our prior marriages and that we didn’t want that to happen to this one.  So instead we came up with ground rules for dealing with a difference of opinion or a disagreement, that we followed and were more important than either of us being right or winning.  For instance, we agreed to never use the words ‘never’ or ‘always.’ When each of us had been married before, we both remembered that when we thought we were ‘fixing problems’ often didn’t turn out to be the actual problems. We discovered that when you get older, simply not wanting to fight and get nasty or mean towards each other was a perfectly fine resolution.   We also discovered until you look each other in the eye, offer a heartfelt apology, make and keep a commitment to not doing what you did to hurt or disrespect the other person, you may get past an argument, but you haven’t gotten over it.”

If you can’t and won’t agree to the above, you’re not the best relationship material.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 11th, 2012 at 4:33 pm and is filed under Family, Marriage/Relationship, Usable Insights. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.