Usable Insight – Beyond Tiger Woods…About Forgiveness
for-give-ness: Pronunciation: \-ˈgiv-nəs\ – noun – The act of letting go of one’s anger towards someone for having hurt, wounded, betrayed, injured or harmed one. Forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting the harm someone has done, your disappointment in them or giving them a second chance to harm you, but it does mean letting go of the anger one attaches to the hurtful incident and of begrudging the person for it.
With Tiger Woods’ apology, forgiveness is in the air. But until it is also in people’s actions it is just words.
One of my favorite and most revealing openings in my talks, that I owe to Dave Hibbard, Founder and CEO of Dialexis who learned it from Caroline Myss author of, Defy Gravity: Healing Beyond the Bounds of Reason (Hay House, $24.95), is to ask: “If I could give you the secret to happiness and peace of mind in one word, would you want to know what it is?”
Even to skeptical groups, most people are intrigued enough to reply, “Yes.”
“If you don’t agree with it, you can summarily reject it; but if you do agree with it, do you promise to embrace it and put it into action in your life?” I continue.
Since they are given a way out and since this seems like a logical request, this often triggers a, “Yes” from the group.
I then take out a piece of paper, write a word on it, fold up the piece of paper and hand it to someone in the group. The message is then handed from one person to the next.
One by one the majority of the group will read the word, pause, take a deep breath and give out a big sigh of agreement.
The word is, “Forgiveness.”
The exercise does not stop there.
I ask them next:
- “With a show of hands, how many of you when you read the word, ‘forgiveness,’ rejected it?”
- “How many of you immediately thought of people you needed to forgive?”
- “How many of you immediately thought of people you need to ask forgiveness from?”
- “How many of you thought a combination of forgiving people and asking forgiveness from them?”
- “How many of you thought more about forgiving than asking forgiveness?”
- “How many of you thought more about asking forgiveness than forgiving others?”
I then explain to them:
- If you rejected the word, you are most likely a “dyed in the wool” narcissist, because you feel entitled to hold onto negative feelings towards anyone you choose to and you are very poor relationship material. You shouldn’t be in a relationship and I would advise others to not be in a relationship with you.
- If you thought either exclusively or more about people you needed to forgive than to ask forgiveness from, you are most likely someone that has narcissistic features and feels entitled. You can be in a relationship, but you are high maintenance. I would advise people to try a relationship with you, but to be on the look out for getting burned out being with you at which point they need to stop deluding themselves that you’ll change and just get out.
- If you thought more about asking forgiveness than being forgiving, you are not narcissistic, are willing to take responsibility for your actions that hurt others. You are low maintenance and the best relationship material. I would advise others to be in a relationship with you.
Where are you when it comes to forgiveness? If you want to improve your relationships share this blog with your partner, children, parents, siblings and friends and ask them where on the continuum of “Unforgiving to Forgiving” they see you. If they see you as being more unforgiving than forgiving, ask them the effect it has had on them regarding being in a relationship with you. If they see you as more unforgiving than forgiving, stop it.
If you are so unforgiving and don’t care about any of this, realize that there is another word that is synonymous when you get to the end of your life. That word is “bitter.”
Tags: apology, relationship, tiger woods, tiger woods apology
February 21st, 2010 at 9:48 pm
From a comment by someone who preferred to not leave their comment, but was okay with my posting it.
In one of your latest blogs, you wrote, “If you rejected the word [forgiveness], you are most likely a ‘dyed in the wool’ narcissist, because you feel entitled to hold onto negative feelings towards anyone you choose to and you are awful relationship material. You shouldn’t be in a relationship and I would advise others to not be in a relationship with you.”
While I think I understand your point, I think your comment may be a bit unfair to people who struggle with forgiveness. As you have written elsewhere, it is not enough for someone to apologize. He or she must make a commitment to changing his or her bad behavior. Many people struggle with the concept of forgiveness, because they believe it requires them to subject themselves to /other narcissistic people who refuse to change/. So they may reject the word “forgiveness,” because they fail to understand what it really means. Then when they read your blog berating them, they feel even worse.
I have been a fan of yours for years, bought one of your books, and have read several monthly articles you wrote for newsletters I received as an attorney. I just recently discovered your web site, and was very pleased to see it. I hope you will elaborate a little about forgiveness in another blog post.
February 21st, 2010 at 9:54 pm
Thank you for this post. To clarify, I am not saying that you should give a hurtful person another chance to hurt you. By forgiving I meant finding a way to let go of your anger at that person. I think continuing to hang onto anger has a way of de-spiriting us and robbing us of vitality.
I remember someone who did that by saying to someone who had hurt them: “I have good news for you. I am no longer angry at you, but I have now put you in the same category as people that I have learned to not give a first chance.” What he meant by that was that as we get older we can identify hurtful people before they hurt us and there is nothing wrong to not becoming involved with them in the first place.
February 22nd, 2010 at 4:17 am
hey this blog is great. I’m glad I came by this blog. Maybe I can contribute in the near future. PM ME on Yahoo AmandaLovesYou702 Thank you day837
February 23rd, 2010 at 12:09 pm
Good article.
The definition of forgiveness is spot on. It’s just the task of letting go of the anger you have at a person who had wronged you, either intentionally or by accident.
The article, in my opinion, forgot about what the “wrongdoer” needs to do in order to get back into the good graces of the person they have hurt. It’s called “repentance”. They will do what they can to stop the hurtful behaviour and act in a way that shoes their victim that they will not do the behaviours that caused the harm in the first place.
In my life, I have struggled with forgiving people, and especially those who know exaclty what they were doing. What gives me peace about doing the process of forgiving, is the fact that the wrongdoer will not come near me, until I see them repent to re-earn my trust.
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:38 am
Yusef…
Gotta say, mighty fine article…
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Mr Sparkle…
Superb article, great writing style, content, and blog theme….
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:49 am
The Record…
I think you write superbly, wish I could write this well. Thanks….
March 4th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
Layer…
I have to agree with this post, well said….
March 5th, 2010 at 3:34 am
Charlie Brown…
Excellent post, you could almost quote this…
March 5th, 2010 at 9:31 pm
Thanks for good article. Hope to see more soon.
March 6th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Twizzle…
Great writing style, love the post…
March 6th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
Twizzle…
Excellent content, great read…
March 7th, 2010 at 8:52 am
Evenlope…
Superb post, 10 out of 10 from me…
March 7th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
This really blew my mind, what else can I say except keep doing what you are doing.
I am thankful for finding this website, it rocks!
March 9th, 2010 at 1:22 am
Hi,very informative article. I found you blog from Bing. Keep it up and I’ll visit more often
March 9th, 2010 at 4:31 am
The Fishman…
This reminds me of another post, both were really good….
March 9th, 2010 at 11:47 am
echodelta…
Probably one of the finest articles, in the world…
March 10th, 2010 at 4:01 am
Media reports that Tiger Woods is working with his swing coach Hank Haney have leading golfers talking of a possible return to action for the world number one. Let’s wish him good luck
March 16th, 2010 at 10:57 am
not bad not bad.
March 16th, 2010 at 11:22 am
great post thanks a ton
March 22nd, 2010 at 10:00 am
Hi webmaster – This is by far the best looking site I’ve seen. It was completely easy to navigate and it was easy to look for the information I needed. Fantastic layout and great content! Every site should have that. Awesome job
April 20th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
I would equal to add your journal to my blogroll gratify bowman me what mainstay should I use?
April 25th, 2010 at 5:56 pm
Just had a minute to say something but I liked the post. Just keep doing what you do. Will come back and check you out again. Post by the celebrity hairstyles fanatic.
April 27th, 2010 at 4:25 am
You covered a lot of good valuable information in this post. Anything to help my golf game.
April 27th, 2010 at 7:03 pm
Thanks for sharing this very useful information, it def comes in handy when you suck at golf like me!
May 11th, 2010 at 9:18 am
Very informative post. Thanks for taking the time to share your view with us.
May 14th, 2010 at 4:44 pm
Pretty insightful post. Never thought that it was this simple after all. I had spent a good deal of my time looking for someone to explain this subject clearly and you’re the only one that ever did that. Kudos to you! Keep it up
May 15th, 2010 at 11:40 pm
I just feel that this information is tremendously helpful. I’m sure the following quote will appeal to your interest. – “Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others.” ~ Jules Renard (1864 – 1910)
May 16th, 2010 at 12:56 pm
Yay, finally a new update. There was quite a big lapse between updates.
May 16th, 2010 at 10:21 pm
Your feeds are fed into other blogger’s RSS feeders, making it syndicated or putting in another way, people out there will subscribe to them and receive online copies of your text.
May 17th, 2010 at 2:13 am
Hello, this is my first time i visit here. I found so many interesting in your blog especially on how to determine the topic. keep up the good work.
May 17th, 2010 at 10:52 am
Easily, the post is actually the greatest on this deserving topic. I agree with your conclusions and will thirstily look forward to your coming updates. . . . .
May 17th, 2010 at 9:16 pm
Excellent post. I want to thank you for this informative read, I really appreciate sharing this great post. Keep up your work. . . .
May 19th, 2010 at 7:13 am
Have you had problems with spammers? I also use Blog Engine and I have some good anti-spam practices; please Email me if you are interested in an exchange of practices.
June 21st, 2010 at 12:01 pm
Only want to say your article is as tonishing. The clearness in your post is simply spectacular and i can take for granted you are an expert on this field. Well with your permission allow me to grab your rss feed to keep up to date with succeeding post. Thanks a million and please keep up the ac complished work.