Know any sullen, angry, withdrawn, underachieving teenagers? If so, send this to them and ask them what fits and what doesn’t. And then just listen.

“Given all the things I’m doing that have disappointed you, I’m hoping you won’t just see this as another excuse or a way of manipulating you, both of which I’m very capable of doing and during other times have even been a master at.

In fact I’ve been so good at doing both of those, I’m afraid to tell you what I’m about to and have you think I’m just being dramatic and only trying to get attention or get out of taking responsibility for my actions and paying the consequences for them.

Today, I have a little bigger fish to fry.

I’m losing it. I’m losing my mind, my sense of who I am, of where I belong, and I’m spending more and more time wondering if life is worth living.

I know I don’t have any reason to feel like ending it, I know that so many people have it worse than me, I even know that I have all the reasons to live. I just don’t feel any of them.

I have felt alone for some time now. It hasn’t been a few days or even a few weeks. It’s been at least months.

Also the intensity of rage that I feel not only chills you — which I know is why you back off when it gets really ugly between us — it chills me.

I hate hating you more than I hate you. When I hate you at the level I’m capable of hating you I feel like destroying things. That has escalated and finally shifted to thinking of just destroying me.

But in reality, I don’t want to destroy anything, I just want to destroy the pain I feel and make it go away. But it won’t go away and I can’t make it.

The reasons I drink, do drugs and cut on myself — all of which scare the shit out of you — are because they all relieve me. When I’m stone cold sober and drug free and the pain and the craziness intensifies, all I can think about is numbing myself. I don’t do alcohol and drugs to get high, I do them to get by.

And when I cut on myself, which terrorizes you, I feel like I’m cutting out the pain or at the very least that I’m feeling something. And that gives me relief from the pain of feeling nothing.

Assuming you won’t rub my face in this — which might actually wake me up or push me over the edge, but I don’t think you want to play Russian roulette with me — you’ll probably ask me what you can do to help.

And I wish I had an answer to tell you.

Actually the answer I’d like to tell you, I am telling you by telling you this message and hoping you’ll “just listen.”

I think the hole in my being and the missingness at my core needs warmth from you mom — occasional kindness from pathetic, rational, lecturing, clueless dad is not the same — which I either think you can’t get to because all of us — including dad — fight you or because you no longer have any warmth, either because you didn’t get it from grandma or because it got worn out by all of us.

Dad, you’re not off the hook in this. I think you run interference between mom and me and try to keep the peace and then I think you find your home away from home when you get away to go to work or travel for work or play sports with your buddies.

Maybe a start would be if I saw each of you making the effort to understand me especially when you have no chance of really achieving it.

There is a good chance that neither of you will be able to understand me because I am as different from you as you are from each other, but it might help if I saw you continuing to try and continuing to ask or say things to me like:

‘Tell me what’s happening and how you feel in another way, because I see that I’m not getting it and I want to get it. And then tell me at its worst, what that’s like.’

And if I push you away, you might do well to stand firm and say, ‘We can’t go away because as your parents we can’t allow you to feel so alone in hell and we’ve got to do whatever we can to get you out. Sorry to tick you off, it’s in the parents rule book which you’ll figure out when you become one.’ One of my friend’s parents actually sleeps outside her room on the floor which my friend both resents and feels safer with.

More importantly I think it might help if I saw you not getting so frustrated and throwing your hands up, because I keep pushing back and won’t agree to what you think should make me feel better. Going along with it to get you off my back hasn’t worked and actually made me feel worse.

I think I can live with the pain, I just can’t live with suffering. I think the suffering happens when I feel alone in my pain for a long period of time and it doesn’t let up.

I think if I could feel less alone from the inside out, I could listen to what you and the world are telling me from the outside it.

Feeling alone is feeling that I am unpaired with what everyone seems to have.

Being unpaired with a future worth living causes me to feel hopeless; being unpaired with any help that I or others can provide causes me to feel helpless; being unpaired with a reason to go on causes me to feel that everything is both pointless and meaningless; and being unpaired with doing or accomplishing all the things I’m supposedly capable of causes me to feel worthless.

And feeling unpaired with all of those things cause me to feel des-pair.

I feel like I am trapped in a deep dark cold mine shaft, have run out of food and water and am running out of oxygen and time.

I keep hearing people digging to find me. I hear them thinking they have found me and are all excited. But what I know that they don’t know is that they’re digging in the wrong direction because one of them got a glimpse of a doll in a different mine shaft that I left there many years ago and everyone thinks it’s me.”

Epilogue: Dodging a Bullet, Saving a Son

“Dr. Goulston, please call me when you have a chance,” Frank, a CEO I had been working with, called me with a sense of urgency in his voice. I immediately went into my worry state and returned the call.

“What is it Frank?” I asked doing my best to lay a veneer of calmness over my concern.

“I think you helped me dodge a bullet,” he said with a level of emotion in his voice that was unusual being the highly analytic person he was.

Dodging a bullet sounded better to me that taking a bullet, so I felt immediately relieved. “What do you mean exactly?” I asked.

He explained, “You and I were speaking about my frustration with my moody son who I think is lazy and blowing it in his junior year in high school. After you listened to me, you told me that I was blowing it in not recognizing his pain and you sent me a message (above blog) to give to my son that you told me was the cumulative collection of many of things you have heard teenagers say to their parents. Well I gave it to him, he read it and I asked him what applied to him. He looked at me… no actually he looked right through me and narrowed his eyes in a hostile manner and said, ‘All of it.’ I then said to him, ‘Why didn’t you tell me it was so bad?’ And he replied firmly, but less hostile, ‘Because you didn’t f*%king want to know!’ And he was right. I told him realizing my big error, ‘I’m sorry about that and I’m even more sorry for beating up on you verbally or just walking away in disgust.’”

At this point Frank began to cry with deep emotion in his voice and continued, “Then my son, seemed to let go of much of his anger and looked straight at me and said, ‘I’m sorry for some of the things in that email you sent me that I have already done that you must swear to me you will never tell mom.’”

Frank paused and I asked, “What happened next?”

“That’s where the dodging a bullet comes in,” Frank explained, “I told my son that with his permission I just wanted to bring my laptop with me and sit on his bed and work while he tried to do his homework. I told him it that it wasn’t to spy on him or monitor him, it was just to hang out with him because I couldn’t and wouldn’t allow him to be alone in hell. And he said to me in his still teenage rebellious voice, ‘Suit yourself.’ And that’s what we have been doing and although he won’t admit it, I think we’re turning a corner and he feels a little lighter… as does my wife. I called just to thank you.”

“My pleasure, any thoughts on how you can keep from taking your eye off the ball?” I asked.

“When I clearly saw my son alone in hell, it was a sight that I will never forget, so I don’t think there is much chance I’ll blow it a second time,” Frank said with determination.

“Glad to hear,” I said.

———–

* I recently read the galley of a wonderful new book by Peter Guber called, “Tell to Win” Connect, Persuade and Triumph with the Hidden Power of Story which reminded me of having the above previously unpublished blog. I was so impressed with his book that I was tempted to call this blog, “Tell to Live” which it actually is, but at the last minute chose the one I selected.

• Road Back from Hell – Hell is a Suicidal Teenager
• About Teenage Violence: It’s the Rage
• The Rage of Angels

Right now, in the time it takes for you to read this, a teenager in your town or city wishes she were dead. A teenager in your state is thinking of a way to kill himself. Perhaps he’ll use a gun or a rope or pills or his car or simply go out for a swim from which he won’t return. A teenager in this country has just reached for that gun or is stepping up on that chair and placing his head through the noose of that rope. Or she’s counting out enough pills to finish the job or starting to slice into her wrist and watch the little beads of blood seep to the surface, harbingers of the hemorrhage that will start when she deftly severs her radial artery.

And somewhere out there in the global community to which we all belong, a teenager has just ended his life as the culmination to his absolute, unshakable belief that he belonged nowhere.

Although the suffering of that teenager is over, it has not yet begun for her family. When that teenager’s mother and father make the awful discovery that awaits them, life as they know it will be over. After this moment, if you ever look directly into the eyes of that mother or father, you will see how much of their own lives has been ripped out of them with the suicide of their child. You won’t know what to say and you will find it too painful to keep looking. You’ll look away, hoping that such a horror never befalls you; but somewhere inside you are thinking that there but for the grace of God, goes your teenager and you.

Many of our teens are in danger of falling through the cracks of a “too busy to care” world. If you’re worried that your child has something dark and troublesome on his mind, he probably does. If you’re too busy to take the time to break through to your child, make the time. If your child pushes you away, remember you don’t need his permission to protect him from anything that could hurt him or his future.

In fact it’s your most important job as a parent. If you don’t know how to communicate with your defiant teen, learn to. If you’re that teen who is having despairing thoughts and the following letter and poem relate to you, send it! If you’re a parent worrying about what’s going on inside your teen and you think the letter and poem may relate to him or her, give it to them and ask. Then put everything else aside and take the time to listen to and talk with your teenager.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m writing you this letter, because I’m afraid if I tell you how unhappy I am, you’ll become angry or frightened, or even worse, you’ll tell me I’m just trying to make excuses or trying to get attention. Then I’ll have to take it back and reassure you that it’s nothing and I’m okay— when I’m really not. I really don’t know what’s wrong, and I know I don’t deserve to feel as bad as I do because other people have it much worse. But I can’t help it, I do feel as bad as I do. I feel very alone and that nobody in the world knows me— and I’m so confused, that I couldn’t even tell anyone what I want them to know about me. Read this enclosed poem and it might help you to know how I’m feeling. I’m really sorry if I’m a big disappointment to you. Please don’t be angry at me for being so ashamed of me. Can you please help me?

Love,

REACHING OUT FOR HELP

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a thousand masks, masks that I’m afraid to take off.
And none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature to me.
But don’t be fooled, for God’s sake, don’t be fooled.
I give the impression that I’m secure,
That all is sunny and unruffled with me,
Within as well as without,
That confidence is my name and coolness my game,
That the water’s calm and I’m in command,
And that I need no one.
But don’t believe me, please.
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask.
Beneath this lies no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
A nonchalant, sophisticated façade,
To help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation.
And I know it.
That is if it’s followed by acceptance, if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only think that will assure me of what I can’t assure myself…
That I am worth something.
But I don’t dare tell you this. I don’t dare. I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh at me,
And your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing, that I’m no good.
And that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game. My desperate game.
With a façade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
And so begins the parade of masks. And my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that is really nothing.
And nothing of what’s everything,
Of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
What I’d like to be able to say,
What for survival I need to say, but what I can’t say,
I dislike hiding, honestly.
I dislike the superficial game I’m playing, the phony game.
I’d really like to be genuine and spontaneous and me.
But you’ve got to help me. You’ve got to hold out your hand,
Even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of breathing death,
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you’re kind and gentle and encouraging.
Each time you try to understand because you really care,
My heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings,
But wings.
With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding
You can breath life into me, I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me.
How you can be the creator of the person that is me, if you choose to.
Please choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble.
You alone can remove my mask.
You alone can release me from my shaking world of panic and uncertainty.
Please…do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me, the blinder I strike back.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than walls,
And in that lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands,
But with gentle hands…for a child is sensitive…
Who am I, you may wonder. I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.
I am you and I am me.
- Charles C. Finn

To Think About:

• Trying to understand your teenager is more important than what you understand. One of the most exasperating experiences for any teenager is dealing with someone who instead of trying to understand, acts as if they already know. You accomplish trying to understand by keeping your teenager talking and expressing his or her thoughts and by asking questions like: what happened next, what did you feel when that happened, what did you do when that happened, and what did you think when all that happened. Keep asking these questions and alternate the order so you might talk about feelings first, thoughts second, actions third and then changing the order. Don’t worry about arriving at the correct solution. The more your teenager is able to express his thoughts, feelings, and actions into your undivided attention, the more he’ll feel known and felt, the less he’ll feel alone, and the less his despair will be.
• Teenagers have a great sense of despair about how angry they feel towards their parents. They’re so furious with their parents, but still are so dependent upon them that they don’t know what to do with their destructive thoughts other than direct them back at themselves. Helping them to talk about this conflict with you (and not becoming defensive when they vent their hostility at you) will lessen the pain it inflicts on both them and you. As awful as it might be to have them aim their anger at you, it’s much better than having them aim it at themselves.

(c) 2010 Mark Goulston

Reaching Out for Help (click to download PDF of letter and poem)

The Road Back from Hell: A Breakthrough Moment for Us Both

About Teenage Violence: It’s the Rage

Mother: Do you think he’ll put his fist through the wall?
Father: Let’s hope it’s not his head!
And so begins another evening of pillow talk between the parents of an angry, sullen teenager.

What is well known, but kept private is a dynamic psychotherapists see frequently in families that often contributes to teenage rage.

That occurs when one parent is overbearing and overly controlling (either the mother micromanaging her child’s schoolwork and college application process or the father pushing the child to have more drive, motivation and be more aggressive in athletics) and the other is ineffective at keeping the over-the-top parent in check. This results in many teenagers feeling resentment towards the overbearing parent and contempt mixed with pity for the other parent who can neither stand up for the child of for themselves to the over-controlling one.

Add to this the frequent scenario where teenagers see both parents putting on a very pleasant (and to the teen, phony) facade to the outside world, while carrying on with the abusive/passive behavior at home, and that hypocrisy can push many teenagers over the brink (this may have been a possibility in the famous case of Lyle and Erik Menendez who were convicted of killing their parents in August, 1989).

Among one of teenagers’ best traits is a deep sense of justice, but along with it unfortunately comes a sense of outrage regarding the injustice of this family dynamic and the hypocritical behavior of parents who act so differently in public than at home.

To check if this may be what’s going on with your sullen teenager, ask them in a matter of fact way while going for a drive or during some activity (since they hate unsolicited “heart to heart” talks which always feel like a lecture):

- “What’s the most frustrated and angry you have ever felt with your mom/dad or me?”
- “How bad was it for you?”
- “What did it make you want to do?”
- “What did you do?”

Then say (and mean it): “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was so bad?” Allow for the tears of relief you might unleash in them for finally getting this off their chest.

Finish with: “When I see you doing or not doing something that I believe could hurt you or your future, how do you want me to be with you? I mean, do you want me to say nothing? To wait and let you find out for yourself? To ask your permission to tell you what I see? Or what?”

Then whatever they say, use that approach.

See Also: About Teen Violence: It’s the Rage

Whenever your pre-teen or teenage kid has screwed up, teaching them a lesson after the fact isn’t exactly the easiest task.

One of the best ways to avoid that is to use the “side by side” technique I’ve described in my about to be published book, “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (AMACOM, Sept. 15, 2009).

Do this while driving in the car (where you’re both looking forward instead of engaged in one of those face to face lectures that they can’t stand) or engaged in some activity or errand to “buffer” the conversation.

If it’s a pre-teen/middle schooler and they’ll still engage with you, say: “How can you tell which one of your friends is most likely to go too far and get in big trouble?”

They may smell a rat and say: “What?”

If so, continue with: “Yeah, I was just wondering which of your friends is likely to go too far this year, because if they do and you’re their friend, you might get pulled in to help them out.  It might be helpful to know which one and what they might do, so you can be ready.  I mean isn’t that what friends are for?”

You don’t start to lecture them or tell them to avoid that friend.  Doing it this way is a way of helping them develop judgment about “going too far” and that doing so has consequences.

If they tolerate that question, ask them next: “While we’re on the topic of what’s coming up, how do you tell the difference between a class you need to stay up to date on and one you can kind of get away with doing stuff at the last minute?”  This again helps sow the seeds for their developing the capacity for anticipation and for judgment.

You can use a similar approach with a wide variety of questions.

And if you’re dealing with a teenage high schooler (or even one in college) who doesn’t want any advice and says, “Just leave me alone!” (Know any who fit that description?) here is something you might try to that again leverages a future that they haven’t screwed up.

Say to them: “As you go through high school or college, your mom/dad and I can deal with you in one of two ways.  In the first way, we can leave you  alone, including waking you up, getting on your back about homework (this won’t work with an intrusive micromanaging parent), making introductions for you to people (tutors, friends who can give you a job, etc.) that can help you succeed and get ahead.  You might actually prefer learning from your successes and failures and feel you’ve done it all by yourself.  In the second way, we can put both feet in and do any and everything we can do to help you become successful and happy in life. However if we do that, you can’t talk to us disrespectfully, tell us to “shut up” or swear at us, and if we do set up opportunities for you with people outside, you have to keep us posted on what you’re doing so those people don’t think you’re a flake.”

Good luck. Your kids’ adolescence can be a bumpy ride.

****

P.S. If you like these kind of tips, I think you will like “Just Listen” and hope you’ll check it out and spread the word to your friends.

P.P.S. If you missed my FREE American Management Association webcast, “The Simple Secret to Getting Through to Difficult People” that had 1700+ attendees, you can catch it at: AMA webcast.

Spread the Word

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