Hell hath no fury as a narcissist
whose mirror is not telling them what they want to hear.

(excerpted from “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone).

You cringe when a coworker gets a paper cut and cheer when a movie hero gets the girl. That’s because for an instant, it’s just as if these events are happening to you—and, in a way, they are.

Years ago, scientists studying specific nerve cells in macaque monkeys’ prefrontal cortexes found that the cells fired when the monkeys threw a ball or ate a banana. But here’s the surprise: these same cells fired when the monkeys watched another monkey performing these acts. In other words, when Monkey #1 watched Monkey #2 toss a ball, the brain of the first monkey reacted just as if it had tossed the ball itself.

Scientists initially nicknamed these cells “monkey see, monkey do” neurons. Later they changed the name to mirror neurons, because these cells allow monkeys to mirror another being’s actions in their own minds.

The new name is more accurate, because we’re finding that humans, just like macaques, have neurons that act as mirrors. In fact, studies suggest that these remarkable cells may form the basis for human empathy. That’s because, in effect, they transport us into another person’s mind, briefly making us feel what the person is feeling. In a 2007 article titled, “The Neurology of Self-Awareness” in Edge, V. S. Ramachandran, a pioneer in mirror neuron research, commented, “I call these ‘empathy neurons’ or ‘Dalai Lama neurons’ for they are dissolving the barrier between self and others.”

In short, these cells may prove to be one way nature causes us to care about other people. But look at mirror neurons from another angle, and new questions emerge. Why is it that we often tear up when someone is kind to us? Why is it that we get a warm feeling when someone understands us? Why is it that a simple caring “Are you okay?” can so move us?

My theory, which my clinical findings support, is that we constantly mirror the world, conforming to its needs, trying to win its love and approval. And each time we mirror the world, it creates a little reciprocal hunger to be mirrored back. If that hunger isn’t filled, we develop a condition I have given the name “Mirror Neuron Receptor Deficit” (MNRD).

Mirror Neuron Receptor Deficit, Narcissism and Neurosis

The concept of Mirror Neuron Receptor Deficit (MNRD) may partially explain the emotional experience, thinking and behavior responses in narcissism and neurosis.

Narcissists constantly need to be mirrored and have others conform to their emotional and psychological needs.  They frustrate and become irritated easily and when they are already in a state of MNRD and someone dares to not cater to them, their frustration can quickly turn into what we call “narcissistic rage.”  This is what happened with the Evil Queen in Snow White.  Already experiencing a MNRD (or else why would she have needed to ask for reassurance), she needed some stroking of her ego when she approached the Magic Mirror. And when in that state of mind she wasn’t “mirrored,” but instead was told that she was no longer “the fairest of them all” the insult added to her narcissistic injury was too much and caused her to fly into rageful retaliation.

On the other hand, when neurotics experience MNRD, they feel anxious and/or depressed.  If at that point they are not mirrored by someone and to make matters worse, experience a further lack of mirroring through an uncaring act by someone else, they usually don’t fly into a rage. Instead they usually feel more anxious and/or depressed and will often withdraw or seek comfort with food, alcohol, drugs, shopping and/or sex (through hooking up, prostitutes and/or masturbation).

Mirror Neuron Receptor Deficit and Implications for Psychotherapy

There is a well known quote first made famous by President Theodore Roosevelt and more recently by John Maxwell, respected leadership expert, speaker, and author that, “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.”  I would add to that the notion that, “Sometimes people aren’t able to care about what you want them to do, until they feel cared about by you.”  The reason for that is that when people feel unmirrored and uncared for and are experiencing a MNRD, they are in a state of emotional deprivation.   While in that state of mind, their focus is often distracted by trying to correct that deprivation rather than focusing on what they need to get done for the good of their company or organization.

Alternatively, when you are in a state of MNRD and you are accurately mirrored, you feel temporarily complete.  That usually crosses over into feeling grateful and often the desire to reciprocate… and with some resistant patients, the desire to cooperate and take steps towards getting well.

Here’s an example from my own practice that illustrates the surprising power of reducing someone’s MRND. It involves Jack, a highly intelligent paranoid patient I saw several years ago. Before coming to me, Jack had seen four other psychiatrists.

“Before we start talking,” Jack said right off the bat, “I need to tell you that the people living above me keep making noise all night long and it’s driving me crazy.” He said this with a wry grin that seemed odd at the time.

“That must be exasperating to you,” I responded empathetically.

Smiling mischievously as if he’d caught me in a trap, Jack added: “Oh, I neglected to tell you that I live on the top floor of my apartment building and there’s no access to the roof.” Then he looked at me with a smirk reminiscent of a comic looking to get a rise out of an audience.

I said, “Tell me more,” and he continued to explain his paranoid delusion in more delusional detail.

I thought to myself: “Hmm. I could say ‘so what?’ and trigger a confrontation. I could repeat ‘tell me more,’ and have him go into even detail about his paranoid delusion. I could say ‘I’m sure that the sound appears quite real to you, but a part of you knows it isn’t’ . . . but that’s probably what the other four psychiatrists said.”

Then I asked myself, “What’s more important to me? To be a calm, objective professional giving him yet another of the reality checks that he’s already received from my profession? Or to try to help him, even if it means letting go of reality?”

I decided on the latter. And with that conclusion, I let go of what I knew to be the objective truth, stepped completely into what he believed to be the truth and said with full sincerity: “Jack, I believe you.”

With that, he looked at me and paused for a moment. Then, startling me, he started crying, making the sound of a starving feral cat out in the night. I thought I’d opened up a real can of worms and questioned my judgment, but I just let him cry. As the minutes went by, his crying lessened, sounding less animal and more human. Finally, he stopped, blotting his eyes with his sleeve and wiping his nose with a tissue. Then he looked at me again, seeming ten pounds lighter as if he’d just relieved himself of a tremendous burden, and offered me a wide, knowing grin, “It does sound crazy, doesn’t it?”

We smiled together at the insight he’d just gained, and he took his first step toward getting better.

What happened to allow Jack to begin to give up his craziness? He felt mirrored by me. In his experience, the world required him to mirror and agree with it, whether it was a doctor saying, “You need this medication,” or a psychiatrist saying, “You realize that these are delusions, don’t you?” In that scenario, the world was always sane and right, and Jack was always insane and wrong. And “insane and wrong” is a heck of a lonely place to be.

My accurate mirroring helped Jack to feel less alone. As he felt less alone, he was able to feel some relief. And as he felt that relief, he was mentally able to relax. As a result, he felt grateful and, with that gratitude, came a willingness to open his mind to me and to work with me rather than fight me.

Mirror Neuron Receptor Deficit goes to the Movies

In today’s world, it’s easy to imagine that deficit growing into a deep ache. Many of the people I work with—from CEOs and managers to unhappy spouses to clinically depressed patients—feel that they give their best, only to be met day after day with apathy, hostility, or (possibly worst of all) no response at all. In my belief, this deficit explains why we feel so emotionally touched, disarmed and even overwhelmed when someone acknowledges either our pain or our triumphs.

Understanding MNRD and mirroring those who are experiencing it has tremendous application to leadership, sales, marketing, family and intimate relationships.  Many of the “tear jerker” scenes in movies are caused when a rift between two individuals with severe MNRD, suddenly connect with each other.  As we watch that happen we experience the protagonists going from conflicted to connected to each feeling complete. The tears we feel at those moments are the vicarious experience of the MNRD being corrected in both of the characters on the screen.

You might recognize some of the following (get out your handkerchiefs):

I think that leadership guru and my mentor, Warren Bennis, summed it up best, “When you deeply listen and get where people are coming from, and then care about them when you’re there, they’re more likely to let you take them where you want them to go.”*

* from the dedication in: “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone(AMACOM, $24.95).

Recently when I have been seeing couples, families or individuals in which an Axis I psychiatric illness (major depression, anxiety, bipolar illness, schizophrenia according to the current psychiatric diagnostic nomenclature that usually requires some sort of medication) is clearly not present I have offered them the following choice.

“Either I can diagnose you as having a sickness or illness and direct you towards treatment with psychotherapy (possibly long term) or medication and refer you to someone else who does much more of both currently than I or…

We can view you as being factually wrong, psychologically flawed and emotionally immature and work with you to correct all of these. By this I mean you are first looking at the world through a filter that is just a filter and not necessarily accurate with regard to the facts of a particular situation. Next you are psychologically processing that misperception in a way to cause you to view and treat your interpretation as an absolute immutable fact. Finally when you feel disappointed, hurt or frustrated in conjunction with that belief instead of pausing momentarily to reflect and then consider your options you immediately act on those feelings in ways that nearly always makes matters worse.”

When I offer this “pick one or the other choice” to many clients, they are at first taken aback, and wonder if I am serious. When they see that I am, they pause and seriously consider the implications of either choice and then choose the second.

At that point we work as partners moving towards the common goal of their adjusting their perception to an alternate and more positive interpretation, processing even that positive interpretation as a possibility vs. a hardened fact, and then pausing before they react.

What would you choose?

UPCOMING LIVE WEBCAST with Patricia Wheeler, top executive coach and partner of Marshall Goldsmith at: LEADING NEWS about: “Executive Transitions: What Senior Leaders Need to Know and Do” executive coach Patricia Wheeler interviewed by Larry Levin on November 3, 1 PM EDT/1 AM PDT.

Also incredible book on the practical use of cutting edge neuroscience research: Your Brain at Work by David Rock. “This is the best, the most helpful, and the brainiest book I’ve read on how the brain affects how, why and what we do and act. After reading only the first four chapters, I felt roughly 100% more efficient in organizing my work and personal life.” – Warren Bennis, Distinguished Professor of Business and University Professor, University of Southern California and author of “On Becoming a Leader.

And finally be sure to check out: Business Relationships that Last by Ed Wallace. “In Business Relationships That Last, Ed Wallace captures the immediate need for organizations and individuals to build relationships of integrity and confidence. That trust benefits every aspect of service and will help grow your business and generate superior performance.” —Stephen M. R. Covey, author of the New York Times bestseller The Speed of Trust

You’ll have much more chance for success in your relationships
if you leverage a future that nobody has messed up
than if you bring up an event that has already happened
and stay stuck in rehashing it to the point where everybody is frustrated

Maybe it’s me, but I see and hear more and more people talking at or over each other and less and less just listening to each other. I’ve also noticed that much of these debates — for I wouldn’t call them discussions or dialogues — center on some event that is happening and one person being in the criticising role and the other being in the defensive or hunkered down role. Something that I’ve learned from my good friend Marshall Goldsmith, executive coach and author of the WSJ #1 best selling book, What Got You Here, Won’t Get You There and use extensively is what I call “Leveraging the Future.” It is quite magical to help all relationships. All it requires is the desire to make a situation better, willingness to focus on a solution instead of staying hopelessly stuck in a problem and most importantly, the willingness to proactively take responsibility for your actions. It usually starts with: “Going forward…” Here are some examples:

To improve your chances for success in your job:

Say to your boss: “Going forward, I would like to increase the chances of my getting a promotion or a raise at my next review. To do that what is something I should always do and something I should never do to make that happen?”

To improve your marriage:

Say to your spouse: “Going forward I want to be a better husband/wife. What is something I should always do and something I should never do that would help me to be that to you?”

To improve your relationship with your children:

Say to your child or children: “Going forward I want to be a better mom/dad. What is something I should always do and something I should never do that would help me to be that to you?”

To improve your relationship with your aging parent:

Say to them: “Going forward I want to be a better son/daughter. What is something I should always do and something I should never do that would help me do that?”

In a webcast that Marshall did a while back, he told the story of asking his aging mom the last question. She responded that she thought he was a great son, but that one thing that always lifted her spirits was when she would receive a card in her mailbox (don’t you remember feeling the same if you received a “care” package at overnight camp?). Marshall promptly started doing that regularly. Some time later when she was dying she told him that one of the things that made her later life happy was going down and receiving those cards. The key of course in making all of these work is the desire to make things better (vs. needing to be right) and invest in your relationships by your being the one to go first.

BTW I am a great fan and appreciative friend of Marshall’s who in addition to his many activities has some great Leading News webcasts available. I was fortunate enough to do one recently that you can hear at Leading News. I was interviewed by one of the “best listeners” I have ever met, Patricia Wheeler. Patricia is a top executive coach in her own right and you can hear her live interview at Leading News about: “Executive Transitions: What Senior Leaders Need to Know and Do” by Larry Levin on November 3, 1 PM EDT/1 AM PDT.

Also just out: Your Brain at Work by David Rock. “This is the best, the most helpful, and the brainiest book I’ve read on how the brain affects how, why and what we do and act. After reading only the first four chapters, I felt roughly 100% more efficient in organizing my work and personal life.” – Warren Bennis, Distinguished Professor of Business and University Professor, University of Southern California and author of “On Becoming a Leader.

And finally be sure to check out: Business Relationships that Last by Ed Wallace. “In Business Relationships That Last, Ed Wallace captures the immediate need for organizations and individuals to build relationships of integrity and confidence. That trust benefits every aspect of service and will help grow your business and generate superior performance.” —Stephen M. R. Covey, author of the New York Times bestseller The Speed of Trust