There are few things more exhausting than dealing with blamers, complainers and whiners.

Why?

Because if at your core, you’re a decent non-hostile person, these people push you past your frustration into your rage and it takes all your energy to keep a lid on it and to not react from it.  And that is exhausting.

You can try – and probably do – avoiding them, but just hearing a voice message, receiving an email or even worse a text message (where they expect a quicker response) still finds it’s way to the knot inside your stomach.

Are you up for a different way to respond?

If so, try the following:

1. Never expect them not to come from that ugly and manipulative part of their personality if they want something from you and don’t want to do something you’d like them to do.  One of the ways these people get to you is that they catch you flat footed, when you should know that this is how they nearly always react.
2. Instead, hold a little of yourself back so that when they go for the gut, you will still have the presence of mind to look them squarely (but not aggressively) between their eyes and do the next steps.
3. Let them punch themselves out verbally and even if they’re aiming their every word at your stomach or between your eyes, imagine that it’s going over your shoulder.
4. When they finish, say in the least provocative or patronizing way to them, “What in your mind’s eye do you want me to do and, I’m not trying to upset you, what have you done that causes you to feel you deserve that?”
5. Most likely they will stop momentarily, because their manipulation has not worked.  However that will quickly pass and they will then reload or get angrier and say something even more infantile.
6. Let them finish what they say and then respond with, “No I’m serious.  What have you done or sacrificed for someone else, in this case me, that earns you the right to have me do what you want them to do? In other words, why should I owe that to you?”
7. They will again most likely become frustrated and agitated and vent something else at you.
8. Again let them finish and then say, “Let me try to make this easier to understand, if you’re asking me to go out of my way to do something for you that requires effort, you are asking me a favor and it means I get to ask one of you.  If you can’t agree to that, then I’m afraid my answer will have to be, “No.”
9. Then remain calm even if they launch a tirade at you and need to have the last word.
10. If you do have the chance to say something try, “Look if it’s really important to you that I do that favor for you then just realize that it’s only right for you to do a favor for me in return.”

If you try the above and since I am always trying to improve how I may serve you, I would greatly appreciate your sharing your comment below about how this worked out for you and how you would suggest improving it further.  If you’d rather do this privately, please feel free to email me your response at:  mgoulston@markgoulston.com.

And there are few things that cause a wife to lose trust and confidence in her husband than when someone is obviously and successfully b.s.ing him and he totally drinks the Kool-Aid.

This may explain why many husbands are uncomfortable bringing their wives to situations where the b.s. is so freely flowing in both directions and the bravado runneth over.

Cut to the corporate executive or management meeting that is 90 % male, 10 % female.  In that meeting, a psychological process called “projection” is rampant.  In such a case many of the men are projecting on the women that the women are judging the men similar to the way those men feel their wives often judge them.  Believing they are being judged in that manner causes the men to feel nervous, uptight, resentful and because of all these to become brittle.  It is on a shaky foundation of brittleness that men often behave is such a childish and testy way, which then compounds their feeling judged and being even more paranoid.

If you read Calling All Women Executives: Part 1 – How to Win (Male) Friends and Influence Everyone you will get a sense of what lies beneath the behavior between men and women that on the surface so offends each other.

Reading both of those descriptions may go a long way to diminish the reactivity that men and women have towards each other, but what next?

Women might simply say, “If men would just stop b.s.ing others and themselves, everything would get much better.”  In actuality when you find such men, there really is less contention between them and women, because a) the women admire, respect, trust and have confidence in them and b) feeling such positive regard from women the men feel respect, appreciation and admiration towards the women.

Why doesn’t this happen more?  Why are so many men so insecure?  A man’s sense of confidence is directly tied to how competent he feels and how much in control of his life he feels.  One of the realities of our complex and complicated lives is that men feel increasingly less or even completely incompetent in many of the situations they find themselves in and in the abilities that others think they have that they know they don’t.  The less competent and less in control a man feels, the more insecure and paranoid he becomes that he will be exposed as the incompetent and out of control person he feels he is inside.

Why don’t men simply say, “I don’t know that” or ask for help.  Well why is it that men don’t ask for directions? For some reason, probably built into them they feel that expressing either of those is humiliating and is admitting to the world that they are stupid or inadequate.  And there is a fear that admitting those in the open will cause people to ridicule you (again you are projecting on others that they will berate you just as you are doing to yourself at that exact moment).  Ironically, to say those two things without a hint of a whine, complaining or excuse making actually triggers the exact opposite response from people.

Years ago I did a forty person workshop with a $50 million security company that included people from sales and operations.  As I often do in such a workshop, I handed out index cards and had people anonymously write down what would be an amazing outcome from spending three hours with a specialist in human behavior and human communication.  I then began to read the cards aloud.  The answers were what you might expect.

The sales people wanted help with difficult customers that squeezed them on price and help in dealing with operational people who were always slowing down sales by refusing to give them inferior items they had sold that would break down and hurt the reputation of the company.  The operations people wanted to find out a way to deal with the Type A aggressive sales people that always seemed to be condescending, angry and impatient with them.

A heated debate followed where each side kept yelling at the other.

Then I read this card aloud: “Sales think operations are gutless; operations think sales are mindless.  We’re all on the same team, can’t we find a way to work together.”

There was a silence where you could hear a pin drop.

One man from operations raised his hand and said, “I never have problems with sales.”  The room fell silent and then someone asked, “How do you do that?”  And he calmly responded, I simply call them and say, “Hi this is Rob in ______, I need your help with something.  And they always help me.”

The room went quiet again and then one of the more aggressive women in sales piped up, “You know, I hate being part of the negativity all of us get into about operations.  We are all on the same team and I for one am stopping.”

The result was that both sides committed to stopping the name calling and agreed to “ask for help” when they needed something from the other side.  And that has continued to this day.

There is something there for men and women and for that matter all teams to emulate and learn.

As for me.  I now bring my wife to all my business meetings where a negotiation might take place.  She is much better at detecting when someone is b.s.ing me, I am b.s.ing them or I am b.s.ing myself.

My only request to her, “I know that in the past I was very capable of making foolish choices that worked against me and now you’re going to help prevent that.  When you do however, I’m okay with your thinking or telling me I was or was about to be foolish, just please don’t tell me I’m stupid.”

High Maintenance = Easy to Upset, Difficult to Please

Low Maintenance = Difficult to Upset, Easy to Please

The challenge is how when women arrive in those positions they can gain cooperation, collaboration and even affection.  Yes even more than men they may need to have people feel warmly towards them.  Men such as President Bill Clinton don’t have trouble showing a warmth which works for him, but women in power seem hesitant to use their feminine charm in a man’s world out of concern for appearing lightweight, manipulative or needing to use it to make up for something that is lacking.

One of the most important keys to getting through to anyone and then influencing them is to realize that inside everyone’s mind, they listen to someone or something.  It could be a person outside, such as an inner city child to their mother, or an athlete on an all star team listening to their all star coach.  Over time, that outside influencer becomes someone or something a person listens to inside their mind thereafter.

If during childhood you were fortunate to have a parent who drilled into you, “You can be anything you want to be if you try hard enough at it,” and then supported you in actions, that is something you take with you all your life.

Alternatively if during your childhood you had a parent who drilled into you, “You are stupid and will never amount to anything,” and then negated any triumph with, “you were just lucky,” that can spur you on to prove them wrong (which will usually tinge your ambition with anger) or more likely will break your spirits and push you to drugs, alcohol, bad eating and other habits to soothe your wounds.

Which brings me back to women who are put in a position of leadership and have the chance to be the rising tide that raises all other capable women to bring to those positions all the wonderful traits that women possess that men don’t.

To get through to men, you need to get “into their listening” (see how to get into people’s listening at: “Change Your Thinking Forever in 8 Minutes”)  i.e. determine who and what they’re listening to and then adapt to that style.  This is not to be confused with fawning deference and telling them what they want to be told.  It’s about telling them how they want to be told.

Now for a little cross gender translation.

Two of the things that men do that drive most competent, capable and conscientious women to distraction and a facial expression that communicates it is first, they appear to b.s. and posture a great deal, especially at the beginning of meetings and before events that seem to waste company or organizational time. Second, although women may become “dramatic” in their tone of conversation (which seems more costly than a man sounding arrogant because men feel so powerless in dealing with an emotional woman), men appear to act out more on immoral and immature impulses.  I haven’t researched this, but I would imagine that far more many men on a business trip turn a “massage” into something much more than do women. Far more men brag and pontificate in the business world than women.  And in the extreme, far more men will literally start a war than will women.

Such behavior may cause many competent and capable women to view such behavior and think of such men as: “Arrogant, boorish, liars, cheaters, bullsh**ers, greedy and immoral.”

Now imagine if instead of internally judging men you women were to ask a composite/avatar male, “Why do you really do all those things?” Then imagine if they were to say this to you:

“One reason I and the other men engage in banter before any meeting or session, — and I am aware that sometimes it goes on too long — is because we are all conflict avoidant. And rather than confronting someone head on about their unerperformance, lack of accountability or even something minor like their punctuality, we will needle and tease and be sarcastic and hope they get the hint.  You might think of that as being passive aggressive, I think of it as being indirectly aggressive.

An other deeper reason I engage or allow the b.s. is because it is a way to feel out and take a temperature on all the other people in the room.  It is often a way of revealing who is the most irritable, angry, agitated person and most likely to say or do something in the meeting that could be entirely disruptive and destructive.  It’s a way to know who those individuals are ahead of time and to inwardly prepare or steel myself to deal with them if it happens.

Women may not be aware of this, but built into the unconscious of most men is the belief that if you rub another male individual the wrong way and provoke them enough, they actually may come back and shoot you.  There is that primitive uncontrollable side to most men.  All you have to do is check the news on any given day to see examples of it being unleashed.

On a more personal side, I live in a world in which I feel much is expected and demanded of me from all sides and in a world in which I don’t trust anyone.  I don’t trust what they say and I don’t usually believe they will do what they say or do exactly what they say to the letter.  And when I ask them about it, I expect them to come up with an excuse for not doing what they said they would do.  Even in my marriage I no longer expect to be greeted with the warmth and understanding from my wife who I still love, but with whom we have drifted away from liking each other or being able to put a smile on each other’s face.

Furthermore, as a result of all this anticipatory disappointment and not having a way around it, I feel stress at any moment in time and look for ways to relieve it.  And some of those ways are not things I would want others, including my board, business partners, subordinates, wife, kids or my mother to find out about.  These activities can include, drinking too much, using cocaine and/or other drugs, paying for hookers, using pornography, expensing things I shouldn’t, not refusing to hear or putting an end to ‘inside’ information that can give me or my department/company an illegal leg up and the list goes on.

To make things worse, at any given point in time I am a little paranoid that any and all of these things I do to cope with stress or even worse that are just unethical or immoral with no excuses will be exposed and then it will escalate and destroy me.

Despite knowing this, I still continue to indulge myself in these, because the stress is nearly unbearable, they have become addictions or the adrenaline rush is too overpowering and I don’t know what else to do.  As you can see, there are many things I not only feel paranoid about, but deeply ashamed of.  And I would never trust anyone to forgive me for things I have trouble forgiving myself for when my internally justifying them falls short. I just don’t seem to be able to stop them.  Welcome to my world.”

What would be your response as that competent, capable woman?*

My guess is you would be upset and even greatly disappointed, but not shocked or surprised. My guess is that you might even feel relieved at having the truth be told (as opposed to appear to be hiding something and having it all be left to your imagination) and then if you are the responsible and decent person you are, you would not guilt trip or scold, you would figure out what the best course of action for all concerned and point or guide or take that man towards it and also inform him of your responsibilities especially your legal and ethical ones upon discovering these matters.

Now that you are in an understanding and less angry mode what about another kind of male that is not a jerk or a-hole as the male described above but someone who frustrates you but all the other men in the room.  I am talking about the pontificator or sadly the IT or other technical experts (see: How to Avoid Bumping Heads Between IT and Business Managers) who speaks in such jargon, has no clue when he is boring everyone or when other people who have tuned out long ago and just want him to cut to the chase (or as one CEO told me: “Be clear, be concise, be gone”).  What about these individuals who clearly get in their own way, wear out their welcome and who everyone avoids at social events?

What if you were to ask them what’s going on and they said:

“I know I go on too long and frustrate people.  But what I know and feel competent and confident about is a very narrow slice of life.  Take me 6 degrees of separation away from it and I feel incompetent, lack confidence, feel like a fish upstream without a paddle.  If someone engages me in any areas such as interpersonal skills, listening, being emotionally connected I am utterly and literally clueless and even begin to get disoriented.  So I do my best to stay in my competence and confidence zone just so that I can make sense about something I know.  You’re not the only people to point this out to me.  My wife and my children feel the same way towards me.  I’ve apologized to them and now I’m apologizing to you, but this tiger just can’t change his stripes.”

I think you would be even more understanding and caring about this individual and kind.

Now let’s try some gender translation from the other direction.

Men, imagine a woman who seems direct, no-nonsense, humorless, impatient when you crack a joke, appears to think you are making a fool or a-hole of yourself and even if she doesn’t say it will have it appear on her face for everyone in the room to see (who actually may agree with her, but being other men participate in the “code of honor” among men to not call each other on b.s. or posturing).

In your mind what you think these women are saying to themselves: “What a jerk, a-hole, bunch of incompetent men who are busy stroking each other, bunch of nonsense, waste of company and my time and I have better things to do.”

Now imagine your asking a competent, composite/avatar women executive, “What’s behind your negative attitude?” and that she were to say this to you:

“Like you, at any given moment I feel I am expected by people both inside my career and in my personal life to be and do all kinds of things including: be respectful of my male counterparts and superiors when they act up as you have described, laugh at their jokes so as not to embarrass them, be a team player even if some of my male CEO counterparts are not, be tough and strong but not come off as bitchy or arrogant.  Now the list gets even more unmanageable… unless I totally have a house husband (which creates a whole other list of complications for my home life) I am also expected to be still on top of the details regarding my children, their school, my parents, even my husband’s parents and also the myriad of details that my husband is supposed to take care of but are just not in his skill set, and oh, yes, to never make my husband feel that I don’t respect and value and believe in him.  Plus if there needs to be any confrontations in any of these roles, I need to be the tough “b*tch” to stand up for it.

That means that at anytime, every role I play – CEO, Chairman, face of the company, multiple committee member, board member in community, mother, wife, daughter, sister – do not compete for importance.  This company is the most important company I work for, this board is the most important board I am Chairman of, my marriage is the most important marriage I have, my children are the most important children I have, etc.  They are all important, but all of them compete for time.

One of the reasons I have a look of disdain or frustration on my face is not about what or how people are acting up or acting out, not to say I condone any behavior that is illegal, unethical or immoral, but about how it is taking up too much of my time when I need to get to the next role I need to play.

In fact as long as the behavior isn’t illegal, unethical or immoral, I am much less concerned about it than if the communication that is going on is pertinent and relevant and time efficient to all the specific tasks we are each responsible for and the shared goals we are working on.  Otherwise I am just eager to get back to work and my myriad of responsibilities.”

What would be your response as that occasionally b.s.ing, posturing guy?

My guess it might be, “Oh I thought she was judging and laughing at me.  I didn’t think about her having all those roles and responsibilities at any moment and that she just wants to find out what she needs to do or stop doing and then go out to focus on another of those roles. Hey I can understand that, because I am often in the same position of being pulled at by everyone and just wanting any conversation or meeting to get to the point so that I can get on with what I have to get done.”

God only knows we need a great role model as a leader who is more leader than they are male or female, who is more about their mission that serves everyone than about ego and personal ambition that only serves them.

May all current and future women executives take on that role, fulfill it and become the role model for a leader that both men an women and both sides of the aisle in Washington will want to emulate.

* BTW one of my primary focuses now is coaching high potential, senior executive women to succeed in male dominated organizations, companies and industries so that both they and their organizationsm, companies and industries can succeed using some of the unique qualities that women have such as a finely tuned B.S. meter.

Stay Tuned: Calling All Women Executives: Part 2 – Be a Little More Paranoid.

Probably off topic, but what the heck: 10 Reasons Not to Date a Married Man

As appearing in the January 29, 2012 Sunday Los Angeles Times Business Section:

by Mark Goulston and Doc Barham, Xtraordinary Outcomes

“When you use any of these words, how often do your regular employees that will be tasked with executing the details, start to salivate with enthusiasm and have a look that says, ‘Let me sink my teeth into that!’?” we asked one of our CEO clients.

He started to laugh and said, “Rarely.  In fact, a quarter of the people are looking at their Blackberrys or iPhones to check their messages.”

When you start to talk about any of these, if you can’t see how tentative your people’s smiles are, you are not observant.  If you don’t realize that even if they are smiling and nodding from the neck up (out of deference or fear of authority), they are not engaging from the neck down, you are not clued in.  Most likely you do notice, but these words are so much of your vocabulary, you can’t imagine using others.

Why are these words more likely to feel like nails on a chalkboard to your people than a call to action that excites and spontaneously enrolls them?

In a robust economy where people have emotional breathing room these words might be tolerated or even inspiring.  However in a tight economy where fear abounds consider some of the following that may be on their minds and be distracting them:

• “Will I still have a job in six months?”
• “If I lose my job, where will I go, who will hire me and (if I’m over 45) will I even be hirable?”
• “It’s easy for you to say because you have a golden or silver parachute or a severance package that will give you months to breathe, while I would get two weeks pay and a ‘Goodbye and good luck’.”
• “It’s also easy for you to say, because you’re doing the ‘assigning’ and we will be stuck with the ‘doing’.”
• “You can go back to your office to work on ‘bigger’ issues and we will have to deal with the scarce resources and the lack of cooperation from other parts of our company to achieve what you’re telling us and if we’re in sales, having to come up with a new way to twist the arms of our new and current clients and customers who just want to say, ‘No’.”
• “We talked about these things last year.  Whatever happened to those?”
• “Neither we nor you know specifically or exactly what you mean by those words – most of us don’t even know the difference between vision and mission — and when we work hard to achieve what you want and you then tell us we did the wrong thing, you have no idea how demoralizing that is.”
• “I have a parent or a child or a spouse or a marriage that is falling through the cracks and I’m drinking more, so thank you for something more to add to my ‘to do list’ that is already not getting done.”

Then consider what those seven words have in common:

• They are abstract and leave too much to the imagination.  Imagination –> Misperception –> Misinterpretation –> Missed Execution.
• They require a forward cognitive bias, meaning they require people to look into their future, whereas the majority of people especially when anxious they have a reverse cognitive bias, meaning that they react to things either positively or negatively after they have happened.*

The main problem with using these seven words is that they result in an emotional, psychological and cognitive disconnect between leaders and regular employees right out of the gate when what you most need is something that connects leaders and employees.

One word that seems to connect both leaders and employees is: “outcomes.”  Built into that word is the implicit and explicit understanding and agreement that effective actions lead to good outcomes; ineffective actions lead to poor outcomes.  Also “outcomes” is different than “goals” or “objectives” especially when it comes to performance review time where compensation and promotions are being considered.  During those reviews you are much less rated on your goals or objectives than on your outcomes.

* Find out more about forward and reverse cognitive biases and how to get through to people by getting into their thinking at the video: “Change Your Thinking Forever in 8 Minutes”

A good leader makes you want to do a better job;
a great leader makes you want to be a better person

What are the qualities and characteristics that great leaders possess?

If you’re fortunate, you’ll meet people over the course of your career and life that exceed your expectations in every way. When you work or spend time with them, you find yourself wanting to not just do a better job, but to be a better person. You put a lid on your neuroses and on your sense of entitlement and selfishness.  You work hard and as Harry S Truman would say, you do it gladly.

Why do we try to be the best that we can be with such people? Given the choice between instant gratification and the lasting satisfaction of earning the esteem of someone you deeply respect and admire, all but the most myopic of us would choose the latter.

What would happen to your leadership effectiveness if you became more like the people from whom others actively seek respect? How productive would your people become if they all felt that having you as a leader represented the rare opportunity to work with or under someone that people everywhere admire? How much harder would people work if they were inspired and motivated by the privilege of your adamant faith in their skills?

If you answered anything less than an enthusiastically positive response to those questions, imagine the effect on people if you acted in a manner that was the polar opposite of this. How motivated would your people be if you attacked, blamed, demeaned, made excuses,  complained and embarrassed them and yourself? Perhaps they’d work hard in the short run because of fear or even resentment. Your organization might squeeze a winning quarter out of intimidation, but without inspiration you will never build a winning company.

What are the qualities that leaders should aspire to in order to earn, deserve, and command respect? Look no further than a mentor whose belief in you made you want to give your best shot in your professional and personal life. Chances are they possessed the following four attributes:

• The judgment* to know the smart, wise and right thing to do.
• The integrity to do it.
• The character to stand up to those who don’t.
• The courage to stop those who won’t.

If you think the above terms are too abstract or “full of sound and fury signifying nothing,” imagine the effect on people if leaders possess their polar opposites.  If instead of judgement a leader consistently makes bad decisions (that are neither smart, wise or right); if instead of having the integrity to execute on those decisions, they don’t follow through; if instead of character they turn a blind eye to people who are disruptive whose negative behavior is obvious to everyone else; and if instead of having the courage to stop and/or throw out the destructive and toxic people whose behavior is either exasperating or scary to everyone else, what do you think their people would think in terms of their respect, confidence and trust in that leader?

A final perk to if you consistently practice and develop these qualities in your professional and personal life. You will accrue an additional benefit beyond getting the best out of your people, as well as your family. You will live a life that was worth giving your life to.

Usable Insight: Command respect, and people will beat a path to your door. Lose it and they’ll want to head for the exits.

* Judgment which is the cornerstone of leadership, does not mean that a leader has to be a “know it all.” in actuality they will do better to send their smartest, most passionate and most curious people out as scouts to find out what are in the hearts and minds of their people, customers and clients, investors, vendors and strategic partners.  One of the most innovative companies I know is IDEO and part of their tag line is that they are an “Innovation Consulting Frim.”  It sends their people go out into the world as anthropologists, sociologists and psychologists to bring back where people are coming from, what they need and want out of services and products. One of the qualities that they have is that they are to quote Saul Bellow, “first class noticers.”One of the best resources for developing this rare quality is: Judgment: How Winning Leaders Make Great Calls by Noel Tichy and Warren Bennis (Portfolio Trade, $17.00)

Here is just one example of the how this process can work well for you to get through to absolutely anyone.

From “Resistant to Doing” to “Listening” – Get them to open their arms in their minds

Remember the line in the children’s song, “The hip bone’s connected to the thigh bone?” Well your body posture in your mind is connected to your actual body posture.  People who are “Resistant to Doing” have their arms crossed and eyes looking at the ceiling communicating, “No way,” either in actuality or in their minds.  If you get them to uncross their arms and look at you instead of crossing their arms or looking at the ceiling in reality or in their minds, they will start to listen to and be open to what you say.

To do that, ask the other person questions about what they’re looking for or want or need and then:

1. Recreate what they said to the word by saying, “So you’re saying that what you are looking for (or want) is…..”  After you do that they will not be offended that you are mimicking them, but actually continue on.  As they begin to explain they will uncross their arms, because they will begin to attach some emotion to what they are saying.

2. As they speak remember what words they have a higher (and more emotional) inflection on. That is often attached to words showing hyperbole such as “never,” “always,” “impossible,” “if only.” Then reply with, “Say more about _____ (the emotionally laden words).”  At that point, they will start to use their hands to emphasize what they are saying, because words alone are not enough and they will begin to be open to what you say next.

3. After they say what they have to say, reply with, “Really!” with genuine enthusiasm in your voice and encouragement to them to keep speaking.

This will often result in the other person being more open to continuing to listen to you.  Try the above and see if it helps.

* If you try it and want to receive live personalized group coaching limited to five people with Dr. Goulston, additional and separate “Get Through NOW” Mastermind groups for managers and for sales people are now forming.  See special offer below.

SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER!

As one of Dr. Goulston’s newsletter subscribers (sign up at NEWSLETTER SIGNUP at upper right) and for a limited time only, you will receive a discounted rate of $350/month if you sign up to join the live, twice monthly, one hour groups limited to five people now forming for a three month commitment.  That is instead of the customary group rate of $500/month or Dr. Goulston’s individualized hourly coaching rate of $750/hr.

SPECIAL OFFER DETAILS

Additional resources:

• “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone that recently beat out Steve Jobs and Blink! for Business and Investing at Audible Audiobooks.  Previously it reached #1 in China, Germany and Six Kindle business related categories.
• Catch This Week in Start Ups video with host Jason Calacanis interviewing Dr Goulston (reviewer: “I’m only about 10 minutes into the video and have to say that this is one of the most thought compelling videos i have seen on the interwebs.”)
• Hear Dr. Oz’s recent interview with Dr. Goulston on Oprah radio