These are the appropriated and appropriate lyrics to the song “Dem Bones,” a spiritual whose lyrics are taken from Ezekiel 37:14 and whose melody was written by James Weldon Johnson, a black American scholar and author.

As I explained in “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (AMACOM, $24.95), neuroscience and neuropsychology would tell us that our outward body posture is hardwired to our mindset. That means that inside a skeptical or cynical person’s mind they are crossing their arms and staring at the ceiling even if they are politely sitting in front of you with their arms by their sides.

Here’s the trick, if you get people to uncross their real arms in front of you and make direct eye contact with you, they will uncross their arms in their mind and open themselves up to what you’re saying.

How do you get them to do that? Ask them questions that will elicit statements that have an emotional charge on them. You can do that by asking them to explain the greatest opportunity facing them or the greatest danger to them or their company in the next month. Words will not be enough to convey the emotions they feel and so they will use their hands and arms to give emphasis to what they are saying (this is why you will see people using their hands when they are saying something emotional on a phone).

When they use their arms in this way, they have opened themselves up to you. The important thing now is to build on the sense of importance and urgency with questions such as: “What will happen if you seize that opportunity?” or “What will happen if you miss out on it?”

If this makes sense to you and you want to find out much more, check out “Just Listen” and as the subtitle promises you really will discover the secret to getting through to absolutely anyone or check out the reader reviews, many of which were given with arms waving to express enthusiasm.

I would wave my hands around in response to the great testimonials it has received, if it wasn’t that I felt so humbled by it all.

You’ll have much more chance for success in your relationships
if you leverage a future that nobody has messed up
than if you bring up an event that has already happened
and stay stuck in rehashing it to the point where everybody is frustrated

Maybe it’s me, but I see and hear more and more people talking at or over each other and less and less just listening to each other. I’ve also noticed that much of these debates — for I wouldn’t call them discussions or dialogues — center on some event that is happening and one person being in the criticising role and the other being in the defensive or hunkered down role. Something that I’ve learned from my good friend Marshall Goldsmith, executive coach and author of the WSJ #1 best selling book, What Got You Here, Won’t Get You There and use extensively is what I call “Leveraging the Future.” It is quite magical to help all relationships. All it requires is the desire to make a situation better, willingness to focus on a solution instead of staying hopelessly stuck in a problem and most importantly, the willingness to proactively take responsibility for your actions. It usually starts with: “Going forward…” Here are some examples:

To improve your chances for success in your job:

Say to your boss: “Going forward, I would like to increase the chances of my getting a promotion or a raise at my next review. To do that what is something I should always do and something I should never do to make that happen?”

To improve your marriage:

Say to your spouse: “Going forward I want to be a better husband/wife. What is something I should always do and something I should never do that would help me to be that to you?”

To improve your relationship with your children:

Say to your child or children: “Going forward I want to be a better mom/dad. What is something I should always do and something I should never do that would help me to be that to you?”

To improve your relationship with your aging parent:

Say to them: “Going forward I want to be a better son/daughter. What is something I should always do and something I should never do that would help me do that?”

In a webcast that Marshall did a while back, he told the story of asking his aging mom the last question. She responded that she thought he was a great son, but that one thing that always lifted her spirits was when she would receive a card in her mailbox (don’t you remember feeling the same if you received a “care” package at overnight camp?). Marshall promptly started doing that regularly. Some time later when she was dying she told him that one of the things that made her later life happy was going down and receiving those cards. The key of course in making all of these work is the desire to make things better (vs. needing to be right) and invest in your relationships by your being the one to go first.

BTW I am a great fan and appreciative friend of Marshall’s who in addition to his many activities has some great Leading News webcasts available. I was fortunate enough to do one recently that you can hear at Leading News. I was interviewed by one of the “best listeners” I have ever met, Patricia Wheeler. Patricia is a top executive coach in her own right and you can hear her live interview at Leading News about: “Executive Transitions: What Senior Leaders Need to Know and Do” by Larry Levin on November 3, 1 PM EDT/1 AM PDT.

Also just out: Your Brain at Work by David Rock. “This is the best, the most helpful, and the brainiest book I’ve read on how the brain affects how, why and what we do and act. After reading only the first four chapters, I felt roughly 100% more efficient in organizing my work and personal life.” – Warren Bennis, Distinguished Professor of Business and University Professor, University of Southern California and author of “On Becoming a Leader.

And finally be sure to check out: Business Relationships that Last by Ed Wallace. “In Business Relationships That Last, Ed Wallace captures the immediate need for organizations and individuals to build relationships of integrity and confidence. That trust benefits every aspect of service and will help grow your business and generate superior performance.” —Stephen M. R. Covey, author of the New York Times bestseller The Speed of Trust

And you’ll discover that the poorer leaders look for someone else to blame.

This scenario all too frequently occurs when entrepreneurs or founders of startups have a vision of their company — or at least the opportunity it is set up to exploit — and intuitively know all the requisite functions necessary to turn their vision into a reality.   Then they hit “speed bumps” when they realize  they have to work through people who don’t perform those functions the way the founder intuitively imagines they should.  That is when the micromanaging begins and rather than becoming clearer, the founder instead rides his/her people harder causing lowered productivity and performance.

To resolve this it is important for the end goal and objectives to support that goal be clearly articulated.  Next the tasks to achieve those objectives and skills to accomplish those tasks need to be clearly articulated.  Then a means to learn and master those skills need to be provided.  Finally after those skills are mastered, the company has to have a structure where people have the capacity (ample time and other resources) to employ those skills to accomplish those tasks to meet those objectives that achieve those goals.

Marshall Goldsmith and Patricia Wheeler invite you to a Thought Leader Teleforum on Wednesday September 30th at 1 PM Eastern time. Please join us in a Thought Leader TeleForum for a discussion focused on “Just Listen: The Secret Weapon to Getting Through to Absolutely Everyone featuring Mark Goulston, moderated by Executive Coach Patricia Wheeler. The first make-or-break step in persuading anyone to do anything is getting them to hear you out.  Whether the person is a harried colleague, a stressed-out client, or an insecure spouse — things can only go from bad to worse if you are unable to break through emotional barricades.  During this TeleForum, Mark Goulston will explore a number of powerful yet simple, easy-to-apply techniques to reach through these barriers and have your message be heard and understood. Using the powerful techniques learned in this session, you’ll be able to turn the “impossible” and “unreachable” people in your life into allies, devoted customers and lifelong friends. Mark Goulston, M.D., is an executive coach, team building consultant trained as a clinical, psychiatrist. He has been a UCLA professor of psychiatry for more than 25 years, trained FBI and police hostage negotiators and worked with or spoken to companies, universities and organizations around the world. He is the best selling author of four books including his latest, “Just Listen”. In addition he writes the Tribune Media syndicated career advice column, “Solve Anything with Dr. Mark,” blogs for Fast Company and the Huffington Post and is a contributor to Harvard Business online. During this 60-minute conference call we will be discussing the three points below plus fielding your specific questions: - Effectively getting through to difficult people…without the fear of making the situation worse - Skills to help you easily confront current situations that you may be avoiding - How to win increased respect from others and confidence in yourself for dealing with difficult situations head on There is no charge for this TeleForum, which will be held at 10 AM Pacific/1 PM Eastern time on Wednesday September 30th.  Please click here to register.  If this link does not work in your browser, you may cut and paste the following URL: www.LeadingNews.org/signupgc.htm. To adjust for international time zones, you can visit World Time Converter. If you have further questions, please contact Lori Glover at 858 382-4687. We look forward to your participation! Patricia and Marshall

Thanks to my supportive subscribers for their support in helping my new book, “Just Listen” reach #1 in four business categories at amazon.com in its first week of publication.

Other chances to catch Mark:

September 30, 4:30-5:30 PM PDT – free guest teleclass at: “Just Listen: The secret weapon to succeeding as an entrepreneurial MD” hosted by The Entrepreneurial MD

October 7, 5:30-8:30 PM PDT – “Cracking the Communication Code” – Professional Coaches and Mentors Association, Santa Monica

Press Release: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

First we are children to our parents,
then parents to our children,
then parents to our parents,
then children to our children.

-Milton Greenblatt, M.D.
as quoted in Get Out of Your Own Way
by Mark Goulston, M.D. and Philip Goldberg

In 1972 while attending medical school, I was working part time doing EKG’s at a Jewish Home for the Aged in Jamaica Plains, Massachusetts. It was a clean and nice facility, but like most of its kind, a “waiting station” before people died. So many of the halls were filled with the infirm elderly in wheel chairs, just staring. It was a very depressing sight for someone my age, with much of my life ahead of me.

On one day I came into the room of Mr. Cohen, a spry, energetic and very much alive man in his eighties. He was such a stark contrast to the rest of the residents there, that I said to him: “You seem so full of energy and so full of life. Why are you living here?”

He replied, “I want to live here.”

His response seemed incredulous to me and I responded with: “I don’t get it. Why would someone like you want to live in a place like this?”

He looked at me and said, “Pull up a chair” and proceeded to try to teach me a lesson about life.

“Nearly seventy years ago, my wife and I escaped the Russia. I can’t count the number of times she saved my life and I saved hers. We moved to Boston and I had a good job owning a tailor shop and we raised a great family, but they have their lives with their children. And since I am really okay, I tell them they don’t have to go out of their way to visit since I am fine and I am helping their mom,” he explained.

“I understand, but I still don’t get why you’re here,” I interrupted.

“Don’t be so impatient,” he replied, “I’m getting to my point. Five years ago, my beloved Goldie had a massive stroke and she lives in a room two floors above where we are standing. She doesn’t speak. Some days she smiles at me when I come in and I like to believe it’s because she recognizes me, but I’m probably kidding myself.”

“I understand, and I have to be going to my next patient, but I still don’t get it. You could visit her and live elsewhere and not live in such a — if you’ll pardon the expression, rather sad — place,” I said rather un-empathically.

“You don’t seem to understand,” Mr. Cohen explained, “every day I get up, take a shower, get dressed and go to Goldie’s room where I clean up the urine she is sometimes laying in, bathe her, change the diaper she wears, dress her and braid her hair the way it was in the old country. Then I sit and read my Jewish newspaper.”

“That’s very loving, but you could could still live elsewhere and do that,” I replied.

“Doctor,” he said emphatically, “I like being here, because every day I get to give my Goldie dignity.”

“That’s wonderful, but you could still live elsewhere,” I said, continuing to be puzzled and heading for the door to see my next patient.

Just before I left, Mr. Cohen had a final comment to make. “Doctor, I do it, because she would do it for me. Maybe someday you will get it.”

Last week I visited my mom who is living in a place like Mr. Cohen’s and whose memory is slipping and last week I started to cut her food.

Maybe someday is now.

Special opportunity to add to your Ultimate Resource Library when you go to Growing Today

Check out new FREE RESOURCES including:

-Two Questions to Get Your Middle School and High Schools Kids Off to the Best Start in School
-Two Questions to Get Your Preschool and Kindergarten Kids Off to the Best Start in School

Listen and watch Mark’s sell out American Management Association webinar: “The Simple Secret to Getting Through to Difficult People”

Mark’s upcoming appearances:

September 21: Small Business Marketing Boot Camp in person presentation

September 30: Leading News teleseminar hosted by Marshall Goldsmith and Patricia Wheeler

September 30: The Entrepreneurial MD telecast

October 2: This Week in Startups guest internet television appearance followed by book signing at offices of Mahalo.com in Santa Monica, CA

October 7: Professional Coaches and Mentors Association Los Angles in person presentation

Are you one of the many who waited too long to get out of the market and are now waiting too long to get back into it? Is this not the first time you’ve done this? Is this also a time when you’re kicking yourself for acting this way and jealously resenting those who get out and get back in sooner than you?

What is it that separates those who benefit from or at least seem to be able to ride out market volatility from those who stay paralyzed on the sidelines?

Is it smartness? Somewhat. Is it discipline? Of course. Is it courage? Possibly. But is it something more? Definitely.

Those who do better with the wide swings and through crises have clarity. They know that GE, Microsoft, Proctor & Gamble and Mattel are going to be around through thick and thin. They know when they are truly undervalued and worth buying. On the downside, they know when a real estate debacle is heading our way or when stocks are so overvalued that they just don’t make sense. And that is just the tip of the iceberg of what they see so clearly. These people don’t have the courage of their convictions; they have the courage of their clarity.

On the other hand, people like you and me don’t possess such clarity in the financial arena. Instead we depend, trust and rely on people who exude confidence based on their clarity.

It’s not that they are clear and you and I are not. You and I do possess clarity in the non-financial aspects of our lives and when we do, it is that area where our clients and customers depend, trust, rely and have confidence in us. My internist possesses clarity about diagnosing and treating the multiple illnesses I have had during my life. My accountant possesses clarity about my tax issues. As for me, I may have little clarity regarding finance, but I am remarkably clear in seeing and calling people on the b.s. that they are doing to others or to themselves and that prevents them and others around them from performing to their full capability.

Here’s the rub and what causes us to freeze. When we discover that the person we trusted, depended on, relied upon and had confidence in lacks clarity and stops exuding confidence, we stop in our tracks. When as confident as we once felt about someone is as doubtful as we turn out to feel; when all the reassurance we felt from what they were going to do for us turns into worrying about what they are going to do to us; and when we are no longer able to depend on them nor ourselves, we become and remain stuck.

Since it is clear that we can’t rely on ourselves, why then don’t we go find new advisors? Some of us do, but many of us hesitate because we are acutely aware that the new ones have also lost money for their clients. We think that maybe it’s better to stay with the devil you do know instead of the devil you don’t.

Then why don’t we reattach and recommit ourselves to our financial advisors and tell them to continue to advise and make decisions for us financially? Two factors get in the way: first, if we feel disappointed or let down by them, we are hesitant to now freely give them our trust and confidence; second, our advisors know the results we received have disappointed us and their being uncomfortable with confrontation causes them to be tentative when they interact with us. We often mistakenly read that tentativeness in our advisor’s manner as a lack of confidence or clarity when in fact it may be entirely based on their awkwardness of dealing with us, knowing that we have been disappointed in them or even angry.

What’s the best thing to do? Meet with your financial advisor. In your mind stop looking to them to say “I’ll take care of you” and stop your passively dependent position that may have been fine during financially up times. Instead look to them to explain their understanding of what has happened, why it might have happened, the best approach to take going forward and why that is the best suited for you.

I have done that with my financial advisor through downturns of the past decade and have not only found their understanding and clarity very centering and reassuring, but have actually discovered that I am teachable in an area (finances) where I thought I wasn’t.

Check out my interview with Dr. Patricia Fitzgerald on my about to be published book “Just Listen.”

And check out the 5 for 1 special experts resources at: Growing Today

And of course, if you are so inclined, I would greatly appreciate your getting the word out about my new book, “Just Listen,” which will be formally published Wednesday, September 15. Last week, because of pre-orders at Amazon it reached:

#64 in all books
#6 in Business & Financing,
#1 in Motivation
#1 in Communications
#1 in Meetings & Presentations
#1 in Movers & Shakers

Because of your long support for my Usable Insights and interest in my ideas “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (AMACOM, Sept.15, 2009) has achieved the following rankings at Amazon.com one week before its publication date.

• Hardcover: 256 pages
• Publisher: AMACOM (September 15, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0814414036
• ISBN-13: 978-0814414033
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #64 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Popular in these categories: (What’s this?)

#6 in Books > Business & Investing
#1 in Books > Business & Investing > Management & Leadership > Motivational
#1 in Books > Business & Investing > Skills > Communications
#1 in Books > Business & Investing > Running Meetings and Presentations

Next a request.

If you’re willing, I would greatly appreciate your doing the following:

1. Read the following excerpted Chapter 1:”Who’s Holding You Hostage?” from my book by signing up to receive my FREE RESOURCES (and please help yourself to any of the others).
2. After reading it (and hopefully liking it) write a review of my book at Amazon.com.
3. And send the following announcement to your friends and family and contacts via email, blog or newsletter:

Hi [Name]

I thought you might be interested to hear about a book by one of my friends:

JUST LISTEN: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, by Mark Goulston, M.D.

“…an impressive bag of tricks…a guide that is as entertaining as it is useful.”
—Publishers Weekly

“…Goulston provides brilliant yet doable techniques for getting through to others…
This book transcends the self-help category by promoting real communication.”
—Library Journal (starred review)

“If you follow just a fraction of Goulston’s advice you will be able to get through to anybody. It’s easy to read, easy to follow and the results are astounding.”
- Marshall Goldsmith, NYT and WSJ #1 bestselling author of What Got You Here Won’t Get You There and Succession: Are You Ready?

Right now, there’s someone in your life you need to reach. But you can’t, and it’s driving you crazy. You’ve tried everything—logic, persuasion, forcefulness, pleading, anger—but you’ve hit a wall every time. You’re mad, scared, or frustrated. And you’re thinking, “What now?”

It’s a universal source of frustration, experienced by everyone in business, from senior executives to frontline service providers, and everyone who’s in a relationship.  We all know what it’s like to need to get through to someone, to try everything—logic, flattery, forcefulness, pleading, screaming—and to keep hitting a brick wall.

In Just Listen, Dr. Goulston shares his trusted set of communication techniques and the key to their incredible effectiveness.  As he explains, his methods succeed because they create traction, rather than resistance.  “That is,” as Dr. Goulston simply puts it, “they pull people towards you, even if those people are trying to pull away.”

Packed with memorable anecdotes, usable insights, and specific action steps, Just Listen is a welcome guide for not only anyone who’s struggling to get through to someone, but for everyone whose career, health, and happiness depend on getting along with others.

You can purchase your copy online at Amazon, Borders, or Barnes and Noble.

Thanks for your help!

Whenever your pre-teen or teenage kid has screwed up, teaching them a lesson after the fact isn’t exactly the easiest task.

One of the best ways to avoid that is to use the “side by side” technique I’ve described in my about to be published book, “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (AMACOM, Sept. 15, 2009).

Do this while driving in the car (where you’re both looking forward instead of engaged in one of those face to face lectures that they can’t stand) or engaged in some activity or errand to “buffer” the conversation.

If it’s a pre-teen/middle schooler and they’ll still engage with you, say: “How can you tell which one of your friends is most likely to go too far and get in big trouble?”

They may smell a rat and say: “What?”

If so, continue with: “Yeah, I was just wondering which of your friends is likely to go too far this year, because if they do and you’re their friend, you might get pulled in to help them out.  It might be helpful to know which one and what they might do, so you can be ready.  I mean isn’t that what friends are for?”

You don’t start to lecture them or tell them to avoid that friend.  Doing it this way is a way of helping them develop judgment about “going too far” and that doing so has consequences.

If they tolerate that question, ask them next: “While we’re on the topic of what’s coming up, how do you tell the difference between a class you need to stay up to date on and one you can kind of get away with doing stuff at the last minute?”  This again helps sow the seeds for their developing the capacity for anticipation and for judgment.

You can use a similar approach with a wide variety of questions.

And if you’re dealing with a teenage high schooler (or even one in college) who doesn’t want any advice and says, “Just leave me alone!” (Know any who fit that description?) here is something you might try to that again leverages a future that they haven’t screwed up.

Say to them: “As you go through high school or college, your mom/dad and I can deal with you in one of two ways.  In the first way, we can leave you  alone, including waking you up, getting on your back about homework (this won’t work with an intrusive micromanaging parent), making introductions for you to people (tutors, friends who can give you a job, etc.) that can help you succeed and get ahead.  You might actually prefer learning from your successes and failures and feel you’ve done it all by yourself.  In the second way, we can put both feet in and do any and everything we can do to help you become successful and happy in life. However if we do that, you can’t talk to us disrespectfully, tell us to “shut up” or swear at us, and if we do set up opportunities for you with people outside, you have to keep us posted on what you’re doing so those people don’t think you’re a flake.”

Good luck. Your kids’ adolescence can be a bumpy ride.

****

P.S. If you like these kind of tips, I think you will like “Just Listen” and hope you’ll check it out and spread the word to your friends.

P.P.S. If you missed my FREE American Management Association webcast, “The Simple Secret to Getting Through to Difficult People” that had 1700+ attendees, you can catch it at: AMA webcast.

Spread the Word

]]> http://markgoulston.com/usable-insight-get-your-kid-started-on-right-foot-in-school/feed/ 5