They both distrust men.

Two of the things that men do that drive most competent, capable and conscientious women to distraction and a facial expression that communicates it are first, they appear to b.s. and posture a great deal, especially at the beginning of meetings and before events that seem to waste company or organizational time. Second, although women may become “dramatic” in their tone of conversation (which seems more costly than a man sounding arrogant because men feel so powerless in dealing with an emotional woman), men appear to act out more on immoral and immature impulses.  I haven’t researched this, but I would imagine that far more many men on a business trip turn a “massage” into something much more than do women. Far more men brag and pontificate in the business world than women.  And in the extreme, far more men will literally start a war than will women.

Such behavior may cause many competent and capable women to view such behavior and think of such men as: “Arrogant, boorish, pontificators, liars, cheaters, bullsh**ers, greedy, immoral AND insecure.”

Now imagine if instead of internally judging men you women were to ask a composite/avatar male, “Why do you really do all those things?” Then imagine if they were to say this to you:

“One reason other men and I engage in what you think is a ‘good old boys’ club’ is because it helps us bond like ‘pigeons in the storm.’  And what’s the storm?  The storm is how incredibly little of the world — from our customers/clients/shareholders to our marriages, teenagers and elderly parents — we actually control or even influence.  Since we come from the mindset that not being in control is the same as being out of control, we try not to be too aware of how little control we actually have.  Nevertheless the anxiety and insecurity we feel about this directly crosses over into our banter, teasing, lecturing and pontificating all of which release tension.  And I also know that the more not in control and insecure about that I feel — which is considerable — the more I will engage in all those behaviors that you find obnoxious.

Another reason we guys engage in banter before any meeting or session, — and I am aware that it often goes on too long — is because we are all conflict avoidant. And rather than confronting someone head on about their underperformance, lack of accountability or even something minor like their punctuality, we will needle and tease and be sarcastic and hope they get the hint.  You might think of that as being passive aggressive, I think of it as being indirectly aggressive.

Perhaps the deepest and darkest reason I engage or allow the b.s. is because it is a way to feel out and take a temperature on all the other people in the room.  It is often a way of revealing who is the most irritable, angry, agitated person and most likely to say or do something in the meeting that could be entirely disruptive and destructive.  It’s a way to know who those individuals are ahead of time and to inwardly prepare or steel myself to deal with them if it happens.

Women may not be aware of this, but built into the unconscious of most men is the belief that if you rub another male individual the wrong way and provoke them enough, they actually may come back and shoot you.  There is that primitive uncontrollable side to most men.  All you have to do is check the news on any given day to see examples of it being unleashed.

On a more personal side, I live in a world in which I feel much is expected and demanded of me from all sides and in a world in which I don’t trust anyone.  I don’t trust what they say and I don’t usually believe they will do what they say or do exactly what they say to the letter.  And when I ask them about it, I expect them to come up with an excuse for not doing what they said they would do.  Even in my marriage I no longer expect to be greeted with the warmth and understanding from my wife who I still love, but with whom we have drifted away from liking each other or being able to put a smile on each other’s face.

Furthermore, as a result of all this anticipatory disappointment and not having a way around it, I feel stress at any moment in time and look for ways to relieve it.  And some of those ways are not things I would want others, including my board, business partners, subordinates, wife, kids or my mother to find out about.  These activities can include, drinking too much, using cocaine and/or other drugs, paying for hookers, using pornography, expensing things I shouldn’t, not refusing to hear or putting an end to ‘inside’ information that can give me or my department/company an illegal leg up and the list goes on.

To make things worse, at any given point in time I am a little paranoid that any and all of these things I do to cope with stress or even worse that are just unethical or immoral with no excuses will be exposed and then it will escalate and destroy me.

Despite knowing this, I still continue to indulge myself in these, because the stress is nearly unbearable, they have become addictions or the adrenaline rush is too overpowering and I don’t know what else to do.  As you can see, there are many things I not only feel paranoid about, but deeply ashamed of.  And I would never trust anyone to forgive me for things I have trouble forgiving myself for when my internally justifying them falls short. I just don’t seem to be able to stop them.

Welcome to my world.”

What would be your response as that competent, capable woman?

My guess is you would be upset and even greatly disappointed, but not shocked or surprised. My guess is that you might even feel relieved at having the truth be told (as opposed to appear to be hiding something and having it all be left to your imagination) and then if you are the responsible and decent person you are, you would not guilt trip or scold, you would figure out what the best course of action for all concerned and point or guide or take that man towards it and also inform him of your responsibilities especially your legal and ethical ones upon discovering these matters.

So what is it that men want and don’t want from women?

Men want to be told, “You’re doing a good job, you’re funny and I admire you.”

Men don’t want to be told, “You’re doing something wrong, you’re silly and immature, and you’re wasting time.”

Most of all men need to feel warmth from women and want to put a smile on their faces and don’t realize that bantering, pontificating, bullsh**ing each other (or themselves), acting like a “good old boys club,” making tasteless, silly and sarcastic comments, doing immoral things and wasting time are not exactly the way to warm a women’s heart.

NEXT: For Men Only – Humorless Women… What Lies Beneath

Further reading:

• Huffington Post: “Is Daddy an A-hole?”
• Business Insider: The Psychological Explanation of Why Humiliation Leads to Suicide in Men

To find out more about Mark’s coaching, leadership training or speaking explore the menu to the left and contact him at: mgoulston@markgoulston.com

Catch Mark’s recent interview, “Don’t Sabotage Yourself” on Total Career Success radio.