Solve Anything with Dr. Mark: New father wants to make daughter proud
Q: Even though I’m not a big shot, I’ve lately been feeling like one of those big corporate crooks who’ll never get caught. It’s not that I’m dishonest — well, at least not illegal. But I’ve been looking back and feeling guilty, because I’m an expert at cutting corners, making myself look good and others look bad and flying under the radar. The problem is that I recently became a dad and when my daughter looks up into my eyes, I feel ashamed. I think maybe I’ve outsmarted myself.
A: It’s not too late to come clean and let your daughter’s love and trust be your conscience and guide (better do it before she turns into a manipulative teenager).
Here are 10 tips for being worthy of her love and trust and for raising your self-esteem.
1. Raise the self-esteem of others. Be supportive, give them the benefit of the doubt; never ridicule or belittle anyone.
2. Push outside your comfort zone. Help others even when you feel like quitting. Listen patiently to things that are important to someone else, whether or not they’re important to you.
3. Don’t like the decision? Do your best to make it work. Try others’ ideas when you disagree with them, just as you would want them to try yours.
4. Ask for help. Don’t be a victim and expect people to feel sorry for you. And learn to ask instead of demand.
5. Promptly, sincerely thank someone who has helped you. It’s only common sense. Why seem ungrateful?
6. Promptly offer help without being asked. If you really mean it, why wait?
7. Been hurt? Forgive, forget, move on. When people make honest mistakes that hurt you, let go as soon as possible. That doesn’t mean you should let hurtful people hurt you again. But try to keep a long memory for the good deeds and a short memory for the others.
8. Learn to apologize. Don’t just own up to your mistakes. Say how you plan to keep them from reoccurring. And keep your commitment.
9. Congratulate! It’s normal to feel envy, even jealousy, when good things happen to others. But acting out those feelings is for jerks.
10. Try to give more than you take. You know what makes you happy, but do you know what would put a smile on another face? Could it be that hard to find out? Could it be so hard to do?
If the above 10 tips seem too much to wrap your hands around then just follow the Golden Rule of Self-Esteem: Character is what you do when you’re disappointed, hurt, angry, bored or tempted … and nobody’s looking.
High maintenance people
Q: I love my job, but I can’t stand the complainers and whiners that suck the joy out of being at work. What’s the best way to deal with these negative people?
A: Ah, High-maintenance people — one of my favorite topics and least favorite type of people. They are slow-growing cancers. If you don’t recognize them early and learn to deal with them effectively, they’ll metastasize through everything that’s good about your life, professionally and personally.
I’m betting several names will pop into your mind as soon as I mention their two most notable characteristics: they are difficult to please and easy to disappoint. Other identifiable traits in addition to those you named are their constant pouting, sulking, irritability and downright exasperating behavior.
How should you deal with these energy vampires? Here are some tips:
Don’t try to change them. Let’s face it, you are no match for them. Why should they change when they can usually get whatever they want from you?
• Keep your interactions simple, clear and direct. Know exactly what they expect from you and what you can expect in return. And do expect something in return. Otherwise your reward for giving to these takers will be not appreciation, but rather the expectation that you will keep giving. If they become indignant and take a haughty tone of “Don’t do me any favors!” then don’t do them any favors.
Gradually reduce the time you give them. This will not be easy if you’re one of those who sees the good in the not-so-good and continues to give second and third chances to people who don’t deserve them. But if you don’t, you will get burned out and start to avoid them. Worse yet, you may find them draining so much of your energy that you start withdrawing from real friends.
• Get even with them. Next time they hit on you, say, “I’d like to think about that.” The next time they complain to you, respond with, “I don’t know what to say — I wasn’t there and there are always two sides to every story.” Then watch them go ballistic and say, “Gee, I’m sorry that’s so upsetting to you.” Then get away.
Start cutting your losses with high-maintenance people sooner rather than later. You will discover vitality, satisfying friendships and a joie de vivre that you may not have thought possible. It’ll also be a lot easier to get out of bed in the morning.
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Mark Goulston is Santa Monica-based management and leadership adviser and author of “Get Out of Your Own Way at Work…and Help Others Do the Same.” Visit him at: http://markgoulston.com and e-mail your questions to mgoulston@markgoulston.com.