Usable Insight – It’s Okay to Be a People Pleaser
Being a “people pleaser” is not the problem,
it’s being a people pleaser to takers
who don’t give back, or even say, “Thank you.”
My wife used to tell me that I gave away my time and effort much too freely. She was right, but I refused to listen. Then I had an incident where I gave too much to someone who turned out to be a psychopath. I was lucky to escape with as little damage as I did. My sanity was not as lucky.
For the next year I was cautious about anyone and everyone and was much more withholding than I had ever been. The good news was that nobody got the better of me; the bad news was that I absolutely hated the negative energy that had metastasized through my psyche, spirit and soul.
Fortunately I was able to return to my prior generous ways, but with the following caveat emptor: “Give to everyone once, but recognize takers and those who don’t reciprocate and never give to them a second time.
How do you recognize a “taker?”
- They don’t offer you anything in return
- They expect you to give more
- Many don’t even say “Thank you” (and if they do, it doesn’t ring true)
How do you deal with a “taker?”
- Be prepared to ask for something in return by simply saying, “Oh that reminds me there is something I would like you to do for me…”
- Watch their body posture when you ask them for what that is. The longer the pause or hesitate, the more awkward their smile, the more they fumble for words, the more likely you are dealing with a taker.
- My favorite approach is what I call “The Taker Lie Detector Test.” To do that, pause after their request, just to make the conversation a tad uncomfortable and then say: “Hmm, I was just thinking that I am a fair and reasonable person and if what you’re asking me to do is fair and reasonable, I’d be happy to do it (rarely does a taker ever concern themselves with what is fair and reasonable). And you know, even if it’s not fair and reasonable I might still do it, but then of course it’s a favor and of course I’ll be able to ask you for one in return at a time of my choosing. Don’t you think?” If they start to twist with discomfort after that response, I have learned to say, “You know, on second thought I’m afraid I’m going to have to say, ‘No.’”
Give that last one a try and let me know how it works for you.
If you like this kind of information, be sure to sign up for my FREE RESOURCES by clicking on that button in the upper right hand corner.
And if you have a tad of A.D.H.D., you might want to pre-order my upcoming book, “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. If you do so, you will be in the best of company as you’ll see here:
” ‘Just Listen’ is an insightful and practical guide for getting more out of your relationships at work, at home, anywhere. I’ve already ordered copies for everyone in Mattel’s senior leadership team and for each of my grown kids.”
- Bob Eckert, CEO and Chairman, Mattel
Also please check out my friend Keith Ferrazzi’s great new book Who’s got your back and learn how to develop mutually giving relationships and my Who’s got your back book review.
Tags: assertion training, bob eckert, communication, confrontation, how to confront people, mark goulston, people pleaser
June 1st, 2009 at 6:05 pm
I like it! Assertiveness training for the good guys and a reminder of how to be one!
June 1st, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Thank you Billy.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Very insightful. Gives you the idea to take a moment to pause after the favor has been asked, and really think about what is being asked of you. I have never had that skill until recently, I would say yes and then sometimes come to regret it. I don’t mind helping, but I am tired of the takers or everything done on their time. Pausing, gives you more time to dissect the question, and you don’t have to feel guilty to say no.
June 6th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Good solid advice that debunks the myth of just give and give and hope. I put a link to this under the articles section of my website so that my visitors can see this. Thank you.
July 13th, 2009 at 8:09 am
Wow, My wife sat down and read this with me and patted me on the back and said, “that’s you.” I am glad to hear that being a people pleaser is not the problem. In retrospect, I think there is something here concerning giving away my time and effort much too freely to takers. This is a big help in learning to discern these types of people.
I was listening to my Pastor at Church preaching on this subject yesterday, he said that if you serve, you will succeed. Serving frees you from pride, ego, and self-centerdness, and the greatest test of humilty is how you act, when someone treats you like a servant. He went on to say that Acts of service should always flow from an attitude that does not have selfish motivation, one that is not looking for recognition, or appreciation.
I agree with his closing thoughts that there are two kinds of people, givers and takers. The takers never have enough, never pull their weight, and often have a sense of entitlement. Givers, on the other hand, always have enough. I hope that I can come across one person this week that I can serve in this way.
July 26th, 2009 at 11:32 am
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July 28th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Well researched site – I love Bernard Cornwell’s books! – Can’t wait for his next one, The Burning Land. Thanks!
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:07 am
Nice website. My english is not so good. Have you a tip for me to translate? Hope for an answer. Thank you!