Usable Insight – Deep Listening
first seen at:
The more you want to talk,
the more you need to listen.
Recently I landed a wonderful new client. All I needed to do was remind myself of Warren’s directive above. Boy was that difficult. Along the way I had several realizations, if not revelations.
The person I was speaking to was thoughtful, on track and relevant so I didn’t need to ask questions to keep them focused. Yet there were ten times –I counted them—when I wanted to interrupt and say something. 50 % of my motivation was to add something of value to the conversation, but at least 50 % was about ego, competitiveness, a need to impress and a need to be listened to after I had been listening so patiently.
Each time I wanted to interrupt I didn’t, but I had to manage the internal conflict between wanting to remember the “brilliant” thing I wanted to say and listening to what the other person was continuing to say. The longer he went on the more difficult it was to hold onto what I wanted to say. Eventually I had to make the choice to either blurt it out or to let it go and go back to listening more deeply.
Unusual for me, I selected the latter, i.e. let go of needing to say something and went back to listening deeply.Ironically, but not surprisingly now that I think about it, each time I did this, the other person went deeper into what they wanted to speak about and what was more important and meaningful to them.
By the end of the twenty minutes all I needed to do was summarize what I heard, think to myself whether or not I could help, say exactly that. This led immediately to the other person asking me how soon I could begin.
(c) 2008 Mark Goulston
October 9th, 2008 at 12:02 am
Mark, so simple yet so powerful. Listening is an art form I am still learning, when I am on my game I ask the speaker what they want from me (as a listener). I am amazed at the times the answer differs from how I like to listen – listen to solve. Bringing attention to the art of listening is especially important now. Great article. I am checking my calendar to attend your webinar. xo Marhnelle
October 10th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Wow….
If only my supervisor could understand this. I tried having a discussion today about things I needed from her in order to do a better job supporting HER and to operate and function more as a team. I hardly got two sentences in the whole time; all I heard was: “I” need this, “I” need that, “I” want this, “I”, “I”, and “I”. I went from being motivated and wanting to improve things for the better to being very “turned off” about my work. Now which would you rather have your employee be? Motivated, positive, and energetic or bitter, distrusting, and totally turned off to work???
10 minutes (I’d even take 5 at this point) of just listening would make a world of improvement.
October 26th, 2008 at 8:01 am
Hi Mark,
I read your articles regularly. There is always so much to learn from each of them. I can relate to your point on 50% ego and the yearning to be listened to. Looks as if you were talking about me!
Thanks so much for these wonderful insights.
Regards,
Parul
October 29th, 2008 at 2:27 am
employee motivation…
You are not broken or forever lost, just merely misplaced.Motivational & Spiritual Life Coaching begins with a decision; your decision…..