Usable Insight - Build Confidence in Your Child Before They Go Back to School
If you give a child a fish, you feed him for a day;
if you teach a child to fish, you feed him for a lifetime;
but if you teach a child to learn, you feed him for a life time…
And he doesn’t have to just eat fish.
- Tim Gallwey, author The Inner Game of Tennis
The more you want to talk, the more you need to listen. That is because the more your anxiety is speaking through what you say, the less your child wants or is able to listen. It’s less important what you tell kids than what you get them to tell you.
The best place for a heart-to-heart talk is when you are driving with a child, because you’re both looking forward instead eye-to-eye, which can lead to a head-to-head stalemate. When you’re taking that ride, ask your child: “I’m curious about something, would it be okay if I asked you a question?” If they respond, “No,” then you respond in a calm, matter-of-fact way, “Okay, it’ll keep” and then let it go.
That will drive them nuts and in most cases cause them to ask you, “What did you want to ask?” At that point say, “I was just wondering…going forward how can you tell the difference between a subject you need to stay on top of versus one that you can get away with putting off to the last minute?”
Then whatever they say, respond with, “Really (in a inquiring versus challenging tone), tell me how you figured that out.” And then don’t get into an argument or do a bait and switch and sneak in a lecture. That only indicates that you really weren’t interested in their answer or helping them develop common sense, judgment and confidence. All you cared about was their obeying you. This is a way to plant the seeds in their brain for judgment. Then after they finish say, “I’m really impressed that you figured that out.”
Here’s another question that may also be on your mind: “How do you tell the difference between a friend who goes too far and will either get in trouble or put themselves in a dangerous situation and someone who doesn’t?” Then again, drill down and ask them to explain.
The more your child comes up with their own insights and solutions, the more they will develop confidence. The more you tell them what to do, the less confident they’ll become.
(c) Mark Goulston
Read about Tips for Parenting Success (scroll down)
On a different issue but still on the topic of confidence, if you want to build confidence in your strategy and messaging, catch best selling author, Dan Heath present, Strategy and Messaging: Making Your Ideas Stick on August 28.
August 20th, 2008 at 1:51 am
You know, I got a consult today to do one-on-one diabetes teaching with a patient. In the latest provider’s note, the doctor reports she has had multiple providers and multiple encounters documenting non-compliance with regimens, resulting in some pretty awful complications. She’s still very young at 52. I could see where she was scheduled for group refresher training, but the doctor specifically stated he wanted one-on-one. So I called her. She wasn’t at home, but her husband was. He sounded pretty frustrated and said she was stubborn. He suggested I try to call tomorrow morning.
I’ve been mulling over in my mind how I was going to approach her. I already knew I wasn’t going to beat her over the head about complications and dying and diabetes. She’s already gotten that.
Your advice came at a pretty good time. All I can hope is that she’ll talk to me and we can get to the real reason why she doesn’t (or can’t) care for herself. Pray for us both.
August 20th, 2008 at 6:44 am
Thank you Dr. Goulston - terrific message. A huge “take away” for me. Additionally, where can I hear Dan Heath?
Mike Huet
August 20th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Mike,
thank you for writing. You can hear Dan Heath by going to this link: http://online.krm.com/iebms/coe/coe_p2_details.aspx?oc=10&cc=00353488&eventid=14381
August 26th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Thank you for this! The timing couldn’t have been better. My son just started middle school – lots of choices – classes, friends, even lunch! Helping him feel unafraid of making choices, without pushing him into a rebellious posture of feeling “railroaded” by choices I try to make for him is a tricky evolution. You reminded me it’s a “systemic” process.
I’ve picked up so many tips from you, but reading the “car conversation” you described was just the advice I needed today. Thanks for helping me learn how to communicate better with my son and help him grow.
August 31st, 2008 at 5:37 pm
I loved the post. I think your thinking is nearly matching the great sukrat’s cocept.
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:27 am
Marketing Insight…
After reading this post, I am not sure I understand what you are trying to relate. Please expand on your thoughts a little more. Thanks…
December 8th, 2008 at 12:13 am
drill doctor…
Didn’t realise there was this type of information out there…
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