Narcissist Screening Tool
Time flies when it’s all about you
I recently went on a hike with two of my closest and smartest guy friends (an investment banker and a lawyer). When we returned to the car I remarked, “Did the way back to the car seem much shorter than when we hiked out on the trail?”
My first friend said, “I didn’t notice much of a difference.”
My second friend said, “That’s because you did most of the talking.”
I was embarrassed and quipped back, “That must explain why the first half seemed to take so long.”
I am more neurotic than I am narcissistic, which means I feel hurt much more often than I feel angry when I am told something negative. Neurotics and narcissists are similar in that they often need too much from others. Neurotics need to be reassured and loved too much of the time. Narcissists need to be revered and obeyed too much of the time. Healthy people want to be reassured, loved, revered and obeyed some of the time, but they don’t need it the way neurotics and demand it the way narcissists do.
It also became aware of how quickly narcissists can become angry and even enraged when they’re not catered to. Narcissists are often very appealing, because they seem so strong and when they’re romancing you, they can make you feel: “This person (most often men, but increasingly now also women) will take care of me and protect me from harm.” The problem is that early on when you are the object of desire you can feel that way, but after they have you, too often you learn that their strength is mainly stubbornness and their desire is more often liking you for the way you make them feel about themselves. It turns out not to be about liking you.
As a result, it is a wise thing to smoke out narcissists, before you become involved with one. Here is how to do it:
- Get them talking to the point where they are going on and on and seem to be enjoying themselves.
- After they finish say to them: “Gee, I can really appreciate how much you enjoy talking about ________ (fill in the blank about the main subject they were speaking about).
- Wait for them to nod or say, “Yes.”
- Then say with a coy smile: “You would have enjoyed it even more, if I was listening.”
That may seem cruel, but in reality it is teasing someone who may be a little too full of themselves. The neurotic will get embarrassed (as I did above) and apologize; the narcissist will show a flash of anger.
If you are dealing with a narcissist, run. Think you can change one, think again and read Steven Carter’s and Julia Sokol’s book: Help! I’m in love with a Narcissist.
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