The Website of Dr. Mark Goulston

If you’re a man, an ounce of humility and you might get lucky.
If you’re a woman, an ounce of humility and you might get loving.

Here are some tips for starting one of the best conversations you will ever have with your partner.

For Men Only:

Say to your partner, “Have I ever made you feel that you were not worth listening to?” (If you’ve been together less than five years, their hurt at your having done this will be stronger than their anger; if you’ve been together more than five years, their anger will be stronger than their hurt.) Regardless of their emotional reaction, add: “Just because I don’t know how to listen in the right way without either trying to minimize what you’re saying or fix things doesn’t mean that you’re not worth listening to. And don’t you let anyone, including me, make you feel that way. AND I AM SORRY.”

Don’t say it, if you don’t mean it. But if you do mean it and do say it, you might get “lucky” (according to women in audiences I have given to couples at corporate retreats).

For Women Only:

Say to your partner, “Have I ever made you feel that I don’t admire and respect you more today than when we first met?” After your partner finishes picking his jaw up off the floor, add: “Look, just because I take out the stress I feel from our kids, my job, your and my parents, etc. on you because you’re safe, doesn’t mean that I don’t feel lucky to have you in my life. And if I’ve never let you know that, I’ve been wrong. AND I AM SORRY.”

If you mean it and say this, your partner may feel like he died and went to heaven (as some men have said in those couple audiences and retreats mentioned above) and at the very least will want to return the favor by being more loving towards you.

For more relationship help check out: The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again…and Stay There.

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Tags: communication, living, love, marriage, men and women, relationships

This entry was posted on Monday, April 13th, 2009 at 1:00 pm and is filed under Usable Insights. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.