The Website of Dr. Mark Goulston

If a bully’s or whiner’s first attempt to manipulate you doesn’t work;
they have nothing to back it up.

Here are five tips for dealing with the high maintenance (demanders and whiners, who are easier to upset than they are to please) crowd:

1. “Do you really believe that?” When you say this is a calm way, it causes most people who use hyperbole or exaggeration to recant and restate their position saying such things as: “Well, not really, but I am very frustrated about things.” Then you can respond, “I understand that, but I need to know what the truth is, because if what you say is totally true than we have a serious problem and need to address it.” By this time, they are in retreat and the power has shifted to you.

- Scott Regberg, owner Regberg & Associates, Los Angeles based public relations and event planning firm.

2. “I can’t hear you when you talk that way to me, please speak to me in a normal voice and then we can discuss what’s on your mind.” Anyone who has been yelling or screaming will immediately know that you’re not intimidated by them.

Arlen Gunner, managing partner, Valenci, Rose, Magarum, Morris & Murphy

3. Stare deeply into the eyes of the demander or whiner with a look that says, “The person who has more to hide, has more to fear. I’m not perfect, but you know as well as I do, that you’re trying to manipulate me to get something you don’t deserve.”

This will give you the courage of your convictions to look them squarely in the eye. (When you look down or look away, they sense fear and will attack.) Let them make their demand or state their complaint and then say, “My mind wandered over the past few minutes, can you please repeat what you said?” They will not be able to say their abusive or manipulative comment with the same tenacity, because they will sense that it didn’t work. This will make them anxious, because they usually count on being able to provoke or guilt you into giving them what they want with their first outrageous comment. And since they don’t usually have a valid point that legitimately deserves what they’re demanding or asking for, they’ll feel off balance. They may then repeat what they said, but it will not be with the same power, because they feel nervous knowing that you’re on to them.

4. “Hmm” version 1 – Pause for five full seconds, then calmly say, “Hmm” and pause for an additional five seconds. “Hmm” is an interesting word fragment. It communicates several things including: “I’m thinking about what you’re saying,” “What you’re saying is important enough for me to think about,” “What you’re saying is relevant (i.e. “No, you’re not making a fool of yourself” even it they really are).

After the second pause say: “You know, I’m not exactly clear about what’s on your mind other than that you’re disappointed, frustrated, upset or hurt by something I or my company did or failed to do. I’m sure there is a lot of truth to what you’re saying. So if you’ll just tell me what I can do going forward to take away your disappointment, frustration or hurt and if what you’re asking is fair and reasonable to you, me and everyone else it affect than I will be happy to do whatever I can to make things right”(pause) However if what you’re asking is unfair and unreasonable to anyone it affects, then we’re going to have a problem with it.” This will often make these difficult people go away, because by definition, anything they want is unfair or unreasonable and they and you know it, and they will not be able to make a case for what they want that is fair and reasonable to anyone other than themselves.

5. “Hmm” version 2 – Pause for five full seconds, then calmly say, “Hmm” and pause for an additional five seconds. “You know, I was just thinking if what you’re asking me is fair and reasonable. I like to think of myself as a fair and reasonable person and if what you’re asking is fair and reasonable, then I would be happy to do it”. And if it unfair and unreasonable, I might still do it, but then of course, it’s a favor and you’ll owe me one in return at any time I would want to ask you for it, just like you’re asking me for one out of the blue right now. And I haven’t quite figured out which one it is. What do you think?” In all, likelihood, the manipulative demander or whiner will react to you with, “Forget about it, don’t do me any favors!” They will sound indignant, but what is really happening is that you caught them in their manipulation and it didn’t work. Hoorah for you!

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