Usable Insight – Why long term first marriages end
“When you fall in love in your twenties, you’re swept away by all the passion. However you often don’t know who it is you’re going to grow up to be. And if the two of you grow up to be people who are merely different and simply not compatible as a married couple, it makes no sense to make the other person wrong and destroy what was once good.”
This was told to me by a very wise woman who discovered this with her first husband. He agreed and not only did they amicably divorce they have remained very good friends and successful business partners. And because of the cooperation, mutual respect and not making each other wrong, their child has thrived much more than kids from many conflict ravaged, in tact marriages.
The trouble arises when one or the other or both partners requires the other person to grow in the same direction in order to remain psychologically stable. The people who have the most difficulty and create the most havoc in allowing the other person to become a different person are often what we refer to as being Narcissists* or having Borderline Personalities**. Narcissists are driven by a need to psychologically dominate others to serve their ego; people with Borderline Personalities are driven by a need to control others to serve their own psychological survival. When either of these types of people sense their partner is not conforming to their psychological needs, they become enraged. The rage of Narcissists is a reaction to the other person having the impudence to not do want the narcissist wants. The rage of people with Borderline Personalities comes from the terror that they will fragment if the other person either controls or threatens to abandon them.
Should you remain in a marriage if the two of you have grown apart? Each case is different and comes down to what in the long run you are getting and what you’re not by being with someone who is not doing anything wrong, but is just being true to themselves.
One way to not only survive but thrive in a marriage in which each of you grow into different personalities is if you share core values to which your commitment can override personality incompatibility. If for instance your love, devotion and commitment to God or family in your actions vs. words is much more important than getting your way, there is more than enough room to live happily ever after regardless of who each of you grow up to be.
What do you think?
* To learn more about Narcissists check out: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life by Linda Martinez-Lewi.
** To learn more about Borderline Personalities check out: “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold Kreisman.
February 5th, 2010 at 3:37 am
I guess it depends on what you were aiming at when you got married.
When I got married I made a covenant to my wife, but I also made a covenant to become like Jesus Christ (we both did). The beauty of this is we both promised to head in the same direction, toward Christ. It makes my path unique to hers and the focus is not for each of us to become like the other rather share the same destination and by default if we both work at getting there then we do become more one.
We therefor do not get in to a tug-of-war over what way is right rather try and help each other get to the same destination.
It has worked for us the first 18 years of marriage and looking forward the journey that still lies ahead.
February 5th, 2010 at 7:51 am
Just privately received a great comment where someone told me that it’s not a matter of compatibility, but of commitment. When you have long term shared core values that mean more to you and can win over momentarily getting your way, you can have a very happy and what’s more, a very meaningful relationship.
Core values are not what you say or what you believe, they are what you do in your day to day actions.
Commitment begins when your momentary passion and enthusiasm (a.k.a. honeymoon period) for something ends. That doesn’t mean that the honeymoon is over permanently, it can come back later in a more mature lasting, love replacing lust, warmth replacing excitement, giving replacing getting relationship.
February 5th, 2010 at 10:57 am
I think if you ask many successful, long-term married couples how compatible they are, they will tell you “not very.” In every married couple I know, they usually find out quite quickly that they were not compatible.
However, a strong sense of commitment can exceed compatibility by a long shot. I find that most couples lack the commitment to stay together and EACH work on their issues. My wife and I were headed down that road 11 years ago – our marriage is stronger than ever. I was the transgressor – my wife asked me what changed, and I told her that I made God a promise: no matter how much gravel I have to eat, I will do everything in my power to make our marriage work. With that, I began working on my issues (and curiously, once my wife saw me working on my issues, it changed her heart, and she began to work on hers).
The problem in most marriages is a lack of commitment, not compatibility.
As Dr. Goulston says: “Commitment trumps compatibility in mature, values driven couples.”
February 5th, 2010 at 11:44 am
I believe that what you say is true, but not necessarily right. Relationships are about growth, not comfort. People are destroying families out of a need for comfort rather than doing the hard work of becoming the larger version of themselves that can handle the process of differentiation… i.e. allowing others to be who they are WITHIN the relationship. If one of the partners wants the other to grow in the SAME direction that is a differentiation problem not necessarily borderline or narcissistic.
I do agree that if the couple can divorce without blame it is better for all involved, however if there are children involved don’t they also get a voice? After all they are part of the family system that is getting impacted. It isn’t just about the parents.
Jeannine Lee
http://www.jeanninelee.com
February 5th, 2010 at 12:41 pm
It is a very hard decision…we have been married for 26 years but the last 12 my husband has been disabled..I have been there for all of this..but I let my life go because of it..I ended up with conversion disorder and have had tremors..it has been a rough 12 years..I did the wedding vows..all of them except till Death do Us Part! About a month ago my husband tried to commit suicide..that was the turning point for me that I cannot stop him or make him want to live! I realized that I have to start taking care of myself..I turned 49 last week and never dreamed I would be thinking of divorce…but I do not want to live the next 10 years like I have lived the last 12…my girls are grown now and I feel like I need to take care of myself now!!! Ironically, when I let go of trying to keep my husband and all his problems on me …my tremors stopped after 2 years of shaking!!! I now know how much stress can do to you…I realize I have to make changes as the doctors say that the tremors can come right back unless I learn how to deal with this kind of stress…On top of it my husband is bipolar and lives in chronic pain 24/7…just so hard to leave!!!
February 5th, 2010 at 1:45 pm
Very oversimplified description of personality disorders.
February 5th, 2010 at 3:04 pm
Inga said “what a load of crap!” just for the sake of irony, but I’ll refrain
February 5th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
Good Information.
February 6th, 2010 at 8:44 am
I want to thank Tara Kachaturoff for telling me about you, Mark. I love your perspective. Speaking of core values – it appears as colleagues, we share similar core values. My work is primarily with lesbian women and, their needs in this area are exactly the same as straight couples. This is an area that is no different. Where we struggle sometimes is believing our relationships are even worthy of saving or, working on. These are deeply-seated believes that we may not be conscious of. Believes we have because most gays have internalized negative beliefs and feelings about who we are and who/how we love. But, as Cyndi Lauper once said, ‘Love is love is love’ and Rosie O’Donnell is trying to educate that ‘a family is a family is a family’.
February 6th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Really? Don’t get me wrong, I agree with you partially, but when you say something like this you actually need to be ready to back it up.
February 6th, 2010 at 7:02 pm
I appreciate the spirited and heartfelt discussion that my post generated.
In my reference to Narcissistic (NPD) and Borderline Personality (BPD) individuals and their resistance to allowing their partners grow psychologically, emotionally, spiritually and behaviorally in a direction that doesn’t fit the Narcissist or Borderline partner’s psychological needs, I did not mean to say that people who resist such growing apart have those diagnoses.
I meant to say the people with a Narcissistic or Borderline Personality are often the ones who will most vehemently and often belligerently fight their partners’ attempts to grow in any direction that doesn’t fit the NPD or BPD’s psychological needs.
If you don’t believe that and you are involved with someone with either a NPD or BPD and you try to do something that is good for you, but not what they want, there is often a huge and ugly struggle with guilt trips, innuendoes, accusations and sometimes furniture flying through the air.
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March 17th, 2010 at 9:42 pm
I have been married to the same man for 29+ years. This is/was my first and only marriage. We had 3 children that are now grown(for the most part). Two weeks into our marriage a friend asked me how I liked married life…my response, “I did not know it would be so lonely”. We never were able to connect to an intimate level of emotion or mutual conversation. My husband would do most anything for me and buy most anything for me; he was unable to form a bond with me beyond what was superficial. He always copied my thoughts or views on about everything. (but mostly responded with, “I don’t know”) It is hard to respect someone that has no thoughts or views of their own and yet are heavy on expectations in other areas. I filled the emotional/companionship void with church, children, and Christian friends. I did work hard at the wife/mother role, trying to meet everyone’s needs the best of my ability. Change has been going on for the past 3 or so years for me. With much resistance from husband and family I started back to school. I have purposed not to be a doormat or ask “how high” when my husband and/or family say “jump”! Now I am trying to make choices and decisions for myself where most of my life they have been made for me. During the past few years I have questioned religion. So as a result I have been pushed out of circles I used to take refuge in. Has anyone else experienced similar situations? Please send feedback.
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August 21st, 2010 at 10:52 am
To Relax, it’s just me (and others):
I think it is a common issue and has something to do with a mid-life awakening/crisis…YOU are waking up about your own mortality, have poured yourself into others all your life and NOW feel the pressure that if “I don’t do what I want” then I will NEVER do it. This is a selfish period in your life and is probably uncomfortable for you; however, it seems reasonable to me for you to act on your wishes (even though others do not understand, think you are crazy, etc.). Bottom Line: We are ALL individuals and have one life to be LIVED. People do change and grow. Even though my wife and I have been together for a great 30 years, we are much different today and there are no guarantees for tomorrow.