Usable Insight – Is a Narcissist keeping you awake?
A frequent observation I have made as a couples therapist is that the more narcissistic partner is often a better sleeper than the more neurotic partner. Part of that reason is that narcissists do not seem bothered by guilt or anxiety regarding whatever their partner feels. A narcissist may have trouble falling asleep when some of their behaviors cross over into being immoral, unethical or illegal and they feel in danger of being exposed.
Narcissists can keep a neurotic awake, because the fear, hurt and/or anger (which causes neurotics to feel both guilty and anxious) a neurotic feels at being cared so little about can play over and over in their mind, making it difficult to fall asleep. What can you do about it if you’re sleeping with a narcissist?
Since once they’re in your life (and taking from you) and it’s difficult to get them out, it may be helpful to know how to identify them early. To do so, try using The Narcissist Inventory* rating the person on a 1-to-3 scale (1 = rarely; 2 = sometimes; 3 = frequently):
- How often does the person need to be right at all costs?
- How often does the person act impatient with you for no good reason?
- How often does the person interrupt you in the middle of what you’re saying, and yet take offense if you interrupt?
- How often does the person expect you to drop whatever you’re thinking about and listen to him or her–and does the person take offense when you expect the same in return?
- How often does the person talk more than he or she listens?
- How often does the person say “Yes, but,” “That’s not true,” “No,” “However,” or “Your problem is”?
- How often does the person resist and resent doing something that matters to you, just because it’s inconvenient?
- How often does the person expect you to cheerfully do something that’s inconvenient for you?
- How often does the person expect you to accept behavior that he or she would refuse to accept from you?
- How often does the person fail to say “Thank you,” “I’m sorry,” “Congratulations,” or “Excuse me” when it’s called for?
To score your inventory, add up the total:
10-16 =The person is cooperative
17-23 = The person is argumentative
24-30 = The person is a narcissist
Second, it’s a good idea to steer clear of them and not let them in your life in the first place. If they already are, try to minimize your contact with them. Whenever they demand something from you (they usually don’t ask), have a handy counter request ready such as: “Sure and by the way that reminds me I’d appreciate it if you would do x for me.” If they balk and say, “Never mind,” respond “Okay.” If they say, “Why do you always have to ask for something in return?” respond, “Because since what you’re asking me to do is something out of my usual routine, it’s a favor and I’m happy to grant it, but then of course I get to ask you one in return.”
Third, the best way to clean out the narcissists from your life is to begin spending more time and building deep and lasting relationships with those wonderful people who are naturally generous, caring and kind. Not only with those people make you a better person, they will cause you to become so repulsed by the narcissists that you will no longer be able to be around them.
* Narcissist Inventory source: “Steer Clear of Toxic People,” from “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (AMACOM, $24.95)
January 18th, 2010 at 3:16 am
Hello,
Thank you! I would now go on this blog every day!
BernieR
January 20th, 2010 at 8:09 am
Thank you for the article. It certainly resonated with me. I think I might be keeping my husbad awake. Do have any recommendations on how to cure the Narcissist?
January 20th, 2010 at 9:22 pm
Great info dude!!
January 21st, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Losing my job has wrecked my confidence and I need some help to relax and stop feeling anxious. Thanks for the site and the information as it is helpful to see what I could do. I will return soon. Keep up the good work.
January 21st, 2010 at 7:11 pm
Interesting site and good information.
January 21st, 2010 at 7:36 pm
thankyou
January 21st, 2010 at 8:02 pm
I am happy there is more information about anxiety now as I have has it for a while.
January 27th, 2010 at 3:44 pm
I wish I had found this site before because it is great!
January 27th, 2010 at 6:31 pm
Hmm… Interesting! I always love reading the posts on this website. …
I think that that was really interesting. Good post! …
January 28th, 2010 at 3:48 am
@Jeff point taken.. I think it is a great way to progress XD. That’s the whole idea of sharing things and thoughts.. I was often teased in school for being too expressive and full of nonsense but as long as it is well-reasoned, I will still go ahead and voice my views!
January 31st, 2010 at 1:07 pm
Good article, thanks! Can you explain the second paragraph more?
January 31st, 2010 at 11:03 pm
Often what keeps us awake are feelings that are difficult to manage. Neurotics appear to be more troubled by feelings such as fear, hurt, anger and guilt than do narcissists. The more inner conflict, the more difficulty falling asleep.
February 1st, 2010 at 2:28 am
How did you create your blog template? I got a blog as well and my template looks kinda boring so people don
February 4th, 2010 at 10:19 am
Nice blog, keep up the good work and thank you for sharing.
February 5th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
Good Information.
February 6th, 2010 at 10:41 pm
@chels I know what you mean, its hard to find good help these days. People now days just don’t have the work ethic they used to have. I mean consider whoever wrote this post, they must have been working hard to write that good and it took a good bit of their time I am sure. I work with people who couldn’t write like this if they tried, and getting them to try is hard enough as it is.
February 8th, 2010 at 11:33 am
[...] Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life by Linda Martinez-Lewi. To identify one check out The Narcissist Inventory ** To learn more about Borderline Personalities check out: “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: [...]
February 8th, 2010 at 7:17 pm
Generally I do not place on blogs, but I would like to say that this place truly forced me to do so! Crucial post.
February 10th, 2010 at 9:02 pm
Excellent post, couldn’t agree more
February 11th, 2010 at 4:01 am
Thanks for the post. Really enjoyed it
February 12th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Glad I found your blog, got me motivated again to get mine going!