The Website of Dr. Mark Goulston

Try to see your partner at their worst before you get married,
because you will certainly see them at it afterwards

In the 1980’s one of my specialties and claims to fame was that I was the creator of “Recoupling Therapy”* where I helped couples that had divorced to remarry their ex- and live happily ever after.

I appeared on Oprah, Today (see mini-videoclips) in the New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Rebook, Los Angeles Magazine , the Los Angeles Times to discuss my work along with couples who had “recoupled.”

In actuality it was much easier to recouple a divorced couple than keep a miserable one together.

All that it required was that each partner:

1. had learned how they contributed to the problems in the marriage and took full responsibility for it.
2. had learned what they would to do different to deal with disagreements, disappointments and hurts before they deteriorated into a “scorched earth” War of the Roses and was actively using those approaches.
3. was willing to agree on a set of ground rules for managing disagreements that were more important to each of them than being right or winning.
4. made forgiveness rather than begrudging their default mode even when they couldn’t sort out the issues behind a conflict.
5. routinely expressed gratitude and appreciation to each other.
6. (and pertaining to the “”usable insight” above) realized that during the divorce they had seen and knew the other person at their worst, whereas that was something they had yet to discover in any new relationship.

What can you learn from this if you are going the first time around or even before you get married?

Don’t make a commitment to each other until you have gotten into three full scale arguments where each or both people have felt disappointed or hurt by the other to see how each person handles it. The more quickly either person goes from disappointment or hurt to anger, defensiveness, or emotional withdrawal and remains stuck there, the less that person is capable of having a relationship and the more the other person will have to walk on eggshells. Over time, doing that will have a cumulative effect, suck the vitality out of the relationship and corrode it from the inside out until it caves in on itself and dies. My advice just say “Goodbye” to such a “high maintenance” (easy to upset, difficult to please) person and if that person is you, fix it.

* I didn’t stay with that specialty because at that same time I was also involved intervening with suicidal and violent individuals, which seemed more critical at the time.  I often feel that I may have done more good had I continued with “Recoupling Therapy” given the families it would have saved and future suicides and violence it would have prevented.

ALSO Sign up and heck out the latest “Two Questions to Get Closer to Your Partner” at FREE RESOURCES

AND stayed tuned for the launch of HappierCouples.com, “coming to a relationship near you” in September and where I am thrilled to be the Chief Relationship Officer.

Tags: couples therapy, divorce, mark goulston, marriage, relationships

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009 at 8:31 pm and is filed under Collaborative Advantage, Marriage/Relationship, Usable Insights. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.