That spun my head around after I heard Ike share this with me and the twenty people in one of the incredible “Contrary Marketing” workshops that he and partner Andrew Sokol conduct in Los Angeles.

Even though I wasn’t in the entertainment business, I could relate to wanting people to think I was great after I spoke to them in a group or even met them one on one.  What I realized is that I was much more focused on impressing people (as a reaction to not feeling very impressive inside) than I was on helping them.

My inner embarrassment and even shame was palpable.  Fortunately, I have reached a point in life where I berate myself less after such discoveries and instead learn to do and be better.

I think what I learned can help you as well.

I have heard it said by many charismatic keynote speakers that “we are all in the sales.”  That may have been true up until we were all hoisted by own petard with the financial meltdown of the past year and a half.  I think the truth is that “we are all in service.”

If you accept and embrace that, I would advise you approach every meeting with every prospective or current customer or client with the mindset, “What needs to happen for them to feel grateful after our meeting?”  Unless you are specifically there to entertain them (as in a motivational keynote), then the answer is that they would leave meeting with you feeling satisfied and thinking: “You got my situation, you got my take on my situation, you got me and you provided me with a solution, service or product that will best help me accomplish what is most important, critical and urgent to me.”

For example, since I am in the interpersonal solution business, I have discovered that people will be most grateful to me if after a keynote, workshop or during our meeting the most important, critical and urgent problems and opportunities that involve getting through to people become clarified and they leave with a prescriptive solution that is implementable by them and their people (i.e. they don’t have to be a rocket scientist or a “shrink” to do it).

The next time you speak or meet with a prospective or current client or customer, what needs to happen so they will be most grateful to you?  Address that and you will really be impressive.

Read about Krieger-Sokol’s Contrary Marketing and how to turn marketing into making you money instead of costing you money

One of my dearest friends and supports, Ward Wieman, died on Saturday after a prolonged and valiant battle against cancer. I would like to say he was a mentor, but the respect and caring he had for me (and many like me) was so much that he would prefer to think of us as friends.

I am not alone in the deep sorrow I feel. I try not to cry in public, but I actually welcome the feeling of how much Ward meant to me and others. And my tears are not just about missing him, but about being grateful to him.

Ward’s entire life was to be of service and to take and make the effort to truly understand you and then to help you in any way he could. He was one of the most selfless people I have ever known and having him in my life always made me want to be a better man.

Nearly fifteen years ago, Ward saved my bacon when after making an afternoon presentation to a consulting group I felt like a total failure. My topic was, “How to Get Paid What You’re Worth as a Consultant” and I had made the foolish mistake of opening my talk by trying some gimmick to impress this group. It went over like a lead balloon and my presentation proceeded to deteriorate from there.

After that there was time for the consultants to have a cocktail and network with each other. While they were doing that, I was in the rest room, nauseated and thinking of ways to get out of the evening presentation that I was to make following dinner.

I thought if I ran away, I would have trouble making future presentations in the business world (I was three years into venturing into that arena from a full time clinical psychotherapy practice). I spoke with Ward about this and he brainstormed with me about scrapping my prepared evening talk and instead facilitating an entirely interactive discussion where people would share stories of “not being paid what they were worth as a consultant” and then others would share how they had solved a similar situation. And of course Ward volunteered to go first with a humble tale of being stiffed by a client. I have always thought he made it up for my benefit, just to direct the subsequent conversation in just the direction it needed to go.

And the result? After one of the worst presentations this group had seen in the afternoon, they actually stayed later for the evening presentation than they had ever stayed. Several came up to me to thank me for the best presentation they had ever seen in this organization.

That was quintessential Ward.

Ward has continued to support me through my career as he has done for many others. More recently he has been the heart and soul and leader of a Trusted Advisor Network (which we refer to as the TAN group) and even more recently (three weeks before he died) he brought me in as the main outside speaker to an Annual Sales Meeting of Navco, a company that he had recently become the CEO of and that he had quickly helped become even more successful than it had been.

Ward recently served as CEO of Navco and was the Founder & owner of Management Overload. He achieved international distinction as a management consultant related to his successes with rapid business growth and turnarounds. Prior to management consulting, Ward enjoyed twelve years of progressively responsible executive positions in three Fortune 100 companies, achieving high executive posts in two of these companies. He also served as an advisor to President Carter at the White House on Zero Base Budgeting and productivity measurement.

Ward started his consulting career in 1975 with Peat Marwick Mitchell & Co . After three years of managing up to 84 consultants, in 1978, he started his own consulting practice. Ward has served as acting CEO, COO and GM for several clients. His clients include a broad spectrum of businesses from aerospace to food service. His accomplishments range from divestiture of a $125,000 dance studio to winning a $125,000,000 contract dispute award for a shipbuilder. Ward also functions as a board member to several corporations.

In 1972, he accepted responsibility for corporate financial functions reporting to the Chairman of the Board and CEO of Rohr Industries. His responsibilities included acquisitions, mergers and divestitures relating to joint ventures, subsidiaries and vendors. He achieved industry notoriety by quantitatively relating disruption of production operations to the resulting costs. This discovery led to multimillion dollar claims awards and commencement of Ward’s consulting career.

In 1966, Ward joined Texas Instruments to create and manage their Program Management department. From 1966 to 1972, he advanced through line and staff management positions culminating in responsibility for corporate planning activities. This position reported to the president.

In 1963, he started his career with Eastman Kodak as an Industrial Engineer and was able to enter the ranks of engineering management over the next three years.

Ward held a Master of Science Degree in Industrial Engineering from the University of Missouri. He taught undergraduate engineering subjects at Missouri University and earned distinction as a Registered Professional Engineer. More recently, Ward appeared on several TV shows and international radio. He was featured in numerous newspaper articles, magazine articles and three books. He was a sought after speaker on the subjects of Rapid Business Growth, Turnarounds and Negotiating.

I hope Ward knew how grateful so many of us were to him. And for those of us who wonder if we let him know sufficiently about how we felt about him, I am certain he is in Heaven replying with his gentle, caring smile, “Yes I knew, now go on and have a great life.”

A final note, because Ward would not be pleased if he caused us to feel so sad.  He would prefer to put a smile on our face as much in death as he did in life.  To that end, I am reminded of the description of “A Good Death” that Dr. Henry A. Murray passed on to another dear friend and mentor of mine, Dr. Edwin Shneidman. As Murray defined it: “It’s dying so as to be as little a pain in the ass to your family and friends as possible.”

If that is the case, Ward had indeed “a good death,” but more than that, he had a great life.  And for those of us who were privileged to know him and be known by him, our lives were made great by his presence.

Who are you grateful to? Have you let them know? Shouldn’t you?

I received many grateful emails regarding my last Usable Insight: The Learned Person.  Several people said that what got to them most was not just seven specific qualities they could aspire to, but also the realization of how the opposite of these qualities could cause you to be a “golem.”  One person told me that perhaps a simpler word for having those negative qualities was being a “taker.” That response as well as rereading the chapter, “Steer Clear of Toxic People” in my new book, “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (AMACOM, $24.95) caused me to realize that before you can “Steer clear of toxic people” or “Just say, ‘No,’ to takers,” it would be helpful to recognize them before they take from you.

How do you recognize takers? The best way to recognize a taker is to make the most of the hindsight you will beat yourself up with, the next time you’re taken from by one of them.

Think of the last time this happened to you.  Was it when you paid money to someone for something you never received?  Was it when you gave someone who hurt you for the tenth time, an eleventh chance to do it again, and then they did?  Was it when you gave your employee a second chance to get their work in on time, and they again failed to do so?  Was it when you gave your boy friend or girl friend another chance to meet you on time and again they were thirty minutes late? Or was it when you truly believed that “sure fire” guaranteed offer that sounded too-good-to-be-true that turned out too good to be true?

Where do you find takers?  Takers cross all socioeconomic, age, gender, ethnic, personal, occupational, and familial boundaries.  There are taker husbands and taker wives; taker parents and taker children; taker brothers and taker sisters; taker friends and taker foes; taker neighbors and taker strangers; taker bosses and taker employees; taker young and taker old; taker Caucasians and taker African Americans; taker Asians and taker Europeans; taker New Yorkers and taker Californians; taker intellectuals and taker anti-intellectuals and taker writers and taker readers.  (Fortunately, givers also cross all these boundaries, but more about that later).

What are some of the qualities present in most takers?

25 Warning Signals That You’re Dealing With a TAKER

1. They act entitled to whatever they’re taking from you.
2. They treat you as an extension of themselves.
3. When they hurt or disappoint you they don’t experience guilt, shame or remorse.
4. They won’t apologize to you, but will expect you to apologize to them.
5. Their wish is your command, and if you don’t comply, you don’t love them.
6. They believe their problems are someone else’s fault.
7. They believe that you and everyone else are in this world to make them happy.
8. When you give to them, they don’t feel compelled to say thank you or be grateful.
9. If they feel taken from by you, they become outraged and entitled to become enraged.
10. They don’t regret taking from you, but they regret not taking even more from you.
11. They need to have the last word in conversations.
12. They don’t take turns well.
13. They are impatient and hate to wait.
14. They interrupt or butt into conversations.
15. They act as if they are always right.
16. They act as if they are never wrong.
17. When they’re frustrated, they feel justified in doing anything to make themselves feel better.
18. They won’t tell you specifically what you are doing wrong or ask you directly for what they need— they expect you to read their minds.
19. They are stubborn and you may confuse their stubbornness for strength and be attracted to them because of it.
20. They aren’t motivated to know, care or do anything unless it gets them something.
21. They are quick to ridicule or laugh at others, but have little ability to laugh at themselves or tolerate being laughed at.
22. They either cannot or will not put themselves in another person’s shoes.
23. They hold everyone else accountable, but evade being held accountable.
24. They talk much more than they listen.
25. They’ll expect a second, third and fourth chance from you when they hurt you; but they won’t give you a second chance when you hurt them.

This list can be discouraging.  You may be hard pressed to think of many people who don’t show at least some of these characteristics.  More upsetting is that you will probably find yourself owning up to at least a few of these qualities.  Take a breather now if this list is too upsetting, but come back later if in your heart, you know it’s true. Don’t become paranoid, but do become mindful of people with these qualities and just say, “No,” before you become involved with them.

Spread the Word

]]> http://markgoulston.com/uncategorized/1979.html/feed 6 http://markgoulston.com/uncategorized/1968.html http://markgoulston.com/uncategorized/1968.html#comments Wed, 24 Feb 2010 21:52:51 +0000 Mark http://markgoulston.com/?p=1968 “Seven traits characterize a golem (literally a zombie) and seven a learned one.

1. A learned person does not begin speaking before one who is greater than they in wisdom or in years;
2. they do not interrupt the words of their fellow;
3. they do not answer in a hurry;
4. they question with relevance to the subject and they reply accurately;
5. they discuss first things first and last things last;
6. about something they have not heard they say, ‘I have not heard’;
7. they acknowledge the truth.

The reverse of these characteristics is found in a golem.”

Talmud, Ethics of the Fathers, Chapter 5

Special thanks to Rabbi Nachum Braverman, Executive Director, Jerusalem Partners of Los Angeles, for sharing this.

I think, at least I hope, I am not a golem, but I do think I am much smarter than I am learned.  How about you?

for-give-ness: Pronunciation: \-ˈgiv-nəs\ – noun – The act of letting go of one’s anger towards someone for having hurt, wounded, betrayed, injured or harmed one. Forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting the harm someone has done, your disappointment in them or giving them a second chance to harm you, but it does mean letting go of the anger one attaches to the hurtful incident and of begrudging the person for it.

With Tiger Woods’ apology, forgiveness is in the air.  But until it is also in people’s actions it is just words.

One of my favorite and most revealing openings in my talks, that I owe to Dave Hibbard, Founder and CEO of Dialexis who learned it from Caroline Myss author of, Defy Gravity: Healing Beyond the Bounds of Reason (Hay House, $24.95), is to ask: “If I could give you the secret to happiness and peace of mind in one word, would you want to know what it is?”

Even to skeptical groups, most people are intrigued enough to reply, “Yes.”

“If you don’t agree with it, you can summarily reject it; but if you do agree with it, do you promise to embrace it and put it into action in your life?” I continue.

Since they are given a way out and since this seems like a logical request, this often triggers a, “Yes” from the group.

I then take out a piece of paper, write a word on it, fold up the piece of paper and hand it to someone in the group.  The message is then handed from one person to the next.

One by one the majority of the group will read the word, pause, take a deep breath and give out a big sigh of agreement.

The word is, “Forgiveness.”

The exercise does not stop there.

I ask them next:

1. “With a show of hands, how many of you when you read the word, ‘forgiveness,’ rejected it?”
2. “How many of you immediately thought of people you needed to forgive?”
3. “How many of you immediately thought of people you need to ask forgiveness from?”
4. “How many of you thought a combination of forgiving people and asking forgiveness from them?”
5. “How many of you thought more about forgiving than asking forgiveness?”
6. “How many of you thought more about asking forgiveness than forgiving others?”

I then explain to them:

1. If you rejected the word, you are most likely a “dyed in the wool” narcissist, because you feel entitled to hold onto negative feelings towards anyone you choose to and you are very poor relationship material.  You shouldn’t be in a relationship and I would advise others to not be in a relationship with you.
2. If you thought either exclusively or more about people you needed to forgive than to ask forgiveness from, you are most likely someone that has narcissistic features and feels entitled.  You can be in a relationship, but you are high maintenance. I would advise people to try a relationship with you, but to be on the look out for getting burned out being with you at which point they need to stop deluding themselves that you’ll change and just get out.
3. If you thought more about asking forgiveness than being forgiving, you are not narcissistic, are willing to take responsibility for your actions that hurt others.  You are low maintenance and the best relationship material.  I would advise others to be in a relationship with you.

Where are you when it comes to forgiveness?  If you want to improve your relationships share this blog with your partner, children, parents, siblings and friends and ask them where on the continuum of “Unforgiving to Forgiving” they see you.  If they see you as being more unforgiving than forgiving, ask them the effect it has had on them regarding being in a relationship with you. If they see you as more unforgiving than forgiving, stop it.

If you are so unforgiving and don’t care about any of this, realize that there is another word that is synonymous when you get to the end of your life.  That word is “bitter.”

It’s an opportunity to see if he can do what John Edwards and Bill Clinton were not able to do. Will Tiger do what’s necessary to earn forgiveness from his wife Elin primarily and then the rest of us secondarily?

In my thirty years of seeing couples who have dealt with and overcome infidelity, I have developed an “air tight” formula that is necessary to earn forgiveness after you’ve betrayed someone. I call it the Power Apology, but very few powerful people and power hitters are able to do it.

The 4 H’s

When you betray someone’s trust at such a deep level you trigger in them: Hurt, Hate, Hesitation to Trust, Holding onto a Grudge.

1. Hurt – When you betray someone’s trust and in the case of an affair let those you’re having the affair with, know just how little you respect your spouse, you trigger intense, devastating hurt in your spouse. They can become physically ill, mentally unhinged when as much as they thought they could trust you is as untrustworthy as you turned out to be.

2. Hate – After that direct blow to there gut, mind and soul rips a hole in them, they become infuriated and enraged. One of the things that is most enraging and difficult to get past is that during the time they suspected you were cheating and you kept reassuring them you weren’t or told them they were imagining things or being paranoid, you put them in an emotional Sophie’s Choice. Either you were lying to them or you weren’t and they were just crazy. Many spouses will choose to believe the latter, because believing you are lying to them is incompatible with their emotionally and literally remaining in the marriage.

3. Hesitation to Trust – After your partner went against their own instincts and were willing to think it was their imagination and that they were crazy, they are not going to lower their guard and trust you again only to be re-traumatized.

4. Holding Onto a Grudge – Being hesitant to trust is a way of protecting yourself, but having to be ever vigilant is exhausting. A much less exhausting way to protect yourself, but no less obstructive to repairing a relationship, is holding onto a grudge. Doing that enables you to keep your guard up and keep it up fortified with your anger.

The 4 R’s

In order for a person who has been betrayed to forgive, their 4 H’s need to be responded to by the 4 R’s: Remorse, Restitution, Rehabilitation, Request for Forgiveness.

1. Remorse – This is not the same as regret. Regret is saying, “Okay, I messed up. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. I promise, can we just move on?” Regret is almost insulting to the hurt that the injured party feels. In most cases it makes them feel worse as if they’re doing something wrong by not letting it go. Remorse is feeling incredible and almost unbearable pain for having hurt the other person, looking into their eyes, pleading with them to look into your eyes and show you what your betrayal did to them, having them see that your seeing that pain causes you unbearable pain. Think of what it might feel like if you loved both your parents (who were not manipulative or guilt tripping by nature) and you were too busy to visit them while your mom, who loved you, was dying. Think of arriving too late to see her before she died and your dad looking at you with intense sadness in his eyes and telling you: “Your mom was disappointed that she didn’t get to see you before she died. And I’m disappointed in you for not visiting her before she died.” This is something that John Edwards and Bill Clinton failed to do. In neither case did their apologies communicate what seemed like genuine remorse.

2. Restitution – Your betrayal cut the other person to their core and took something away that was incredibly important to them, the ability to unconditionally trust you. Hurt may be satisfied with remorse, but their hatred needs a payback. And that payback needs to cut to your core as deeply as your betrayal cut to theirs. Maybe it’s money, maybe it’s a home, maybe it’s access to kids, or maybe it’s listening to you continue to verbally berate and vent until they’ve emotionally punched themselves out.

3. Rehabilitation – In order for your partner to overcome their hesitation to trust you, they will need to see you have changed the way you deal with upset, disappointment and frustration in ways other than betraying them, abusing them or lying to them. Furthermore they will need to see that you actually enjoy your new ability to deal with things in a healthy way. If they feel you have only learned a new coping mechanism to appease them and your heart is not into it, you really haven’t rehabilitated yourself.

4. Request Forgiveness – You can’t undo or take back what you did; all you can do is practice the first 3 R’s – Remorse, Restitution, Rehabilitation – over and over again until you have internalized them into your personality. And that can take 6 to 18 months. At that point, you have earned the right to ask for forgiveness, let their anger and distrust go and for them to give you a second chance. That doesn’t mean that they have to forget what you did. If they are unable to do that, the problem shifts from your being unforgivable to their being unforgiving. And then the responsibility for finishing up the relationship repair rests in their letting go of their grudge. When I’ve run into resistance about this I have often asked the unforgiving spouse, “Who did you learn to be unforgiving from that you swore you’d never grow up to be like?” They often make the connection to that mother of father who made their life miserable.

If Tiger Woods fails at this, we the public may still forgive him if he goes back to winning – much as we forgave Bill Clinton – who went on to achieve things after his Presidency that were greater than what he did when he was in office. One of the other reasons we forgive such people is that we see what they did in their personal life as something that hurt and embarrassed them as opposed to us and we like going back to looking up to how well they perform in their specialty area. If either President Clinton or Tiger Woods had pulled a Bernie Madoff that directly affected us, we never would have forgiven them.

I hope that Tiger Woods can succeed with his apology in ways that Edwards and Clinton couldn’t. But unfortunately I don’t think this is a championship that Tiger would be favored to win.

(excerpted from “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone).

You cringe when a coworker gets a paper cut and cheer when a movie hero gets the girl. That’s because for an instant, it’s just as if these events are happening to you—and, in a way, they are.

Years ago, scientists studying specific nerve cells in macaque monkeys’ prefrontal cortexes found that the cells fired when the monkeys threw a ball or ate a banana. But here’s the surprise: these same cells fired when the monkeys watched another monkey performing these acts. In other words, when Monkey #1 watched Monkey #2 toss a ball, the brain of the first monkey reacted just as if it had tossed the ball itself.

Scientists initially nicknamed these cells “monkey see, monkey do” neurons. Later they changed the name to mirror neurons, because these cells allow monkeys to mirror another being’s actions in their own minds.

The new name is more accurate, because we’re finding that humans, just like macaques, have neurons that act as mirrors. In fact, studies suggest that these remarkable cells may form the basis for human empathy. That’s because, in effect, they transport us into another person’s mind, briefly making us feel what the person is feeling. In a 2007 article titled, “The Neurology of Self-Awareness” in Edge, V. S. Ramachandran, a pioneer in mirror neuron research, commented, “I call these ‘empathy neurons’ or ‘Dalai Lama neurons’ for they are dissolving the barrier between self and others.”

In short, these cells may prove to be one way nature causes us to care about other people. But look at mirror neurons from another angle, and new questions emerge. Why is it that we often tear up when someone is kind to us? Why is it that we get a warm feeling when someone understands us? Why is it that a simple caring “Are you okay?” can so move us?

My theory, which my clinical findings support, is that we constantly mirror the world, conforming to its needs, trying to win its love and approval. And each time we mirror the world, it creates a little reciprocal hunger to be mirrored back. If that hunger isn’t filled, we develop a condition I have given the name “Mirror Neuron Receptor Deficit” (MNRD).

Mirror Neuron Receptor Deficit, Narcissism and Neurosis

The concept of Mirror Neuron Receptor Deficit (MNRD) may partially explain the emotional experience, thinking and behavior responses in narcissism and neurosis.

Narcissists constantly need to be mirrored and have others conform to their emotional and psychological needs.  They frustrate and become irritated easily and when they are already in a state of MNRD and someone dares to not cater to them, their frustration can quickly turn into what we call “narcissistic rage.”  This is what happened with the Evil Queen in Snow White.  Already experiencing a MNRD (or else why would she have needed to ask for reassurance), she needed some stroking of her ego when she approached the Magic Mirror. And when in that state of mind she wasn’t “mirrored,” but instead was told that she was no longer “the fairest of them all” the insult added to her narcissistic injury was too much and caused her to fly into rageful retaliation.

On the other hand, when neurotics experience MNRD, they feel anxious and/or depressed.  If at that point they are not mirrored by someone and to make matters worse, experience a further lack of mirroring through an uncaring act by someone else, they usually don’t fly into a rage. Instead they usually feel more anxious and/or depressed and will often withdraw or seek comfort with food, alcohol, drugs, shopping and/or sex (through hooking up, prostitutes and/or masturbation).

Mirror Neuron Receptor Deficit and Implications for Psychotherapy

There is a well known quote first made famous by President Theodore Roosevelt and more recently by John Maxwell, respected leadership expert, speaker, and author that, “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.”  I would add to that the notion that, “Sometimes people aren’t able to care about what you want them to do, until they feel cared about by you.”  The reason for that is that when people feel unmirrored and uncared for and are experiencing a MNRD, they are in a state of emotional deprivation.   While in that state of mind, their focus is often distracted by trying to correct that deprivation rather than focusing on what they need to get done for the good of their company or organization.

Alternatively, when you are in a state of MNRD and you are accurately mirrored, you feel temporarily complete.  That usually crosses over into feeling grateful and often the desire to reciprocate… and with some resistant patients, the desire to cooperate and take steps towards getting well.

Here’s an example from my own practice that illustrates the surprising power of reducing someone’s MRND. It involves Jack, a highly intelligent paranoid patient I saw several years ago. Before coming to me, Jack had seen four other psychiatrists.

“Before we start talking,” Jack said right off the bat, “I need to tell you that the people living above me keep making noise all night long and it’s driving me crazy.” He said this with a wry grin that seemed odd at the time.

“That must be exasperating to you,” I responded empathetically.

Smiling mischievously as if he’d caught me in a trap, Jack added: “Oh, I neglected to tell you that I live on the top floor of my apartment building and there’s no access to the roof.” Then he looked at me with a smirk reminiscent of a comic looking to get a rise out of an audience.

I said, “Tell me more,” and he continued to explain his paranoid delusion in more delusional detail.

I thought to myself: “Hmm. I could say ‘so what?’ and trigger a confrontation. I could repeat ‘tell me more,’ and have him go into even detail about his paranoid delusion. I could say ‘I’m sure that the sound appears quite real to you, but a part of you knows it isn’t’ . . . but that’s probably what the other four psychiatrists said.”

Then I asked myself, “What’s more important to me? To be a calm, objective professional giving him yet another of the reality checks that he’s already received from my profession? Or to try to help him, even if it means letting go of reality?”

I decided on the latter. And with that conclusion, I let go of what I knew to be the objective truth, stepped completely into what he believed to be the truth and said with full sincerity: “Jack, I believe you.”

With that, he looked at me and paused for a moment. Then, startling me, he started crying, making the sound of a starving feral cat out in the night. I thought I’d opened up a real can of worms and questioned my judgment, but I just let him cry. As the minutes went by, his crying lessened, sounding less animal and more human. Finally, he stopped, blotting his eyes with his sleeve and wiping his nose with a tissue. Then he looked at me again, seeming ten pounds lighter as if he’d just relieved himself of a tremendous burden, and offered me a wide, knowing grin, “It does sound crazy, doesn’t it?”

We smiled together at the insight he’d just gained, and he took his first step toward getting better.

What happened to allow Jack to begin to give up his craziness? He felt mirrored by me. In his experience, the world required him to mirror and agree with it, whether it was a doctor saying, “You need this medication,” or a psychiatrist saying, “You realize that these are delusions, don’t you?” In that scenario, the world was always sane and right, and Jack was always insane and wrong. And “insane and wrong” is a heck of a lonely place to be.

My accurate mirroring helped Jack to feel less alone. As he felt less alone, he was able to feel some relief. And as he felt that relief, he was mentally able to relax. As a result, he felt grateful and, with that gratitude, came a willingness to open his mind to me and to work with me rather than fight me.

Mirror Neuron Receptor Deficit goes to the Movies

In today’s world, it’s easy to imagine that deficit growing into a deep ache. Many of the people I work with—from CEOs and managers to unhappy spouses to clinically depressed patients—feel that they give their best, only to be met day after day with apathy, hostility, or (possibly worst of all) no response at all. In my belief, this deficit explains why we feel so emotionally touched, disarmed and even overwhelmed when someone acknowledges either our pain or our triumphs.

Understanding MNRD and mirroring those who are experiencing it has tremendous application to leadership, sales, marketing, family and intimate relationships.  Many of the “tear jerker” scenes in movies are caused when a rift between two individuals with severe MNRD, suddenly connect with each other.  As we watch that happen we experience the protagonists going from conflicted to connected to each feeling complete. The tears we feel at those moments are the vicarious experience of the MNRD being corrected in both of the characters on the screen.

You might recognize some of the following (get out your handkerchiefs):

I think that leadership guru and my mentor, Warren Bennis, summed it up best, “When you deeply listen and get where people are coming from, and then care about them when you’re there, they’re more likely to let you take them where you want them to go.”*

* from the dedication in: “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone(AMACOM, $24.95).

Improve your relationship today with these tried-and-true tips

By Mark Goulston from Divorce360.com

Photo: © Comstock

What does it take to be happy in a relationship? If you’re working to improve your marriage, here are the 10 habits of happy couples.

1. Go to bed at the same time
Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps.

2. Cultivate common interests
After the passion settles down, it’s common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don’t minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.

3. Walk hand in hand or side by side
Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it’s more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.

4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode
If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can’t resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.

5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.

6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work
Our skin has a memory of “good touch” (loved), “bad touch” (abused) and “no touch” (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the “good touch,” which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.

7. Say “I love you” and “Have a good day” every morning
This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.

8. Say “Good night” every night, regardless of how you feel
This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.

9. Do a “weather” check during the day
Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.

10. Be proud to be seen with your partner
Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact — hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.

Happy couples have different habits than unhappy couples. A habit is a discrete behavior that you do automatically and that takes little effort to maintain. It takes 21 days of daily repetition of a new a behavior to become a habit. So select one of the behaviors in the list above to do for 21 days and voila, it will become a habit…and make you happier as a couple. And if you fall off the wagon, don’t despair, just apologize to your partner, ask their forgiveness and recommit yourself to getting back in the habit.

Discover The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again… and Stay There (Perigee, $14.95)

Do you like to snuggle up to your honey under the covers, or are you the type who needs your space? Your behavior in bed may be trying to tell you something important about the health of your relationship.

“The way partners share a bed says a huge amount how much they really like each other, trust and feel safe with each other,” says Dr. Mark Goulston, Chief Relationship Officer at Happier Couples. “Analyzing sleep positions can highlight trouble spots they may not even be aware of.”

Recognizing what these unconscious signs indicate can help couples iron out problems before they reach a crisis, Goulston adds.

1. The Spoon.
One partner cuddled up to the back of the other is the most common position in the first few years of a relationship. It implies physical trust and a feeling of complete emotional safety. “For many couples the Spoon is a comforting cocoon,” says Baltimore psychologist and marital therapist Shirley Glass.

2. The Lovers Hug.
Typically the man is on his back with his arm around his partner and her head on his shoulder. Utter contentment is the hallmark here. “You’re literally being brought in under the wing,” Glass says. “It’s a very nurturing position.”

3. The Hooked Leg.
Casually touching your partner with your foot or leg indicates a healthy camaraderie. “They are showing a need for closeness as well as a desire to maintain individuality,” Goulston says.

4. Back to Back.
Faced away from each other with only your buttocks touching allows a private connection without clinging. “Like two circles, separate but overlapping, this position is a perfect definition of interdependence,” Glass contends.

5. The Pursuit.
If your partner moves to the far side of the bed and you pursue, it’s not necessarily a bad sign. “The partner who distances may actually want to be pursued,” says Glass. “It’s a test.”

6. Opposite Sides.
If there’s an ocean of sheet between you, closeness is fading and stress is building between you. “They’re avoiding a lot of issues and don’t trust each other,” says Goulston. “They are probably thinking, ‘What am I doing here?’”

7. Baby on Board .
If one partner continually brings the kid to bed, he or she may be expressing a fear of intimacy. Erecting this barrier is a way to prevent meaningful discussion of important issues. They must talk about why they feel this and work towards feeling comfortable,” Goulston advises.

8. Fido Invasion.
If your mate plops your pet between you in bed every night, it’s time to sit down and have a little talk. “He or she needs more affection, fears rejection and wants to put a barrier between themselves and a partner,” Goulston explains.

Recognizing what these unconscious signs indicate can help couples iron out problems before they reach a crisis, Goulston adds.

Check out Dr. Goulston’s seminal book, The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again…and Stay There (Perigee, 2002) and discover what may be going on in your minds when you’re under the covers.

This was told to me by a very wise woman who discovered this with her first husband.  He agreed and not only did they amicably divorce they have remained very good friends and successful business partners.  And because of the cooperation, mutual respect and not making each other wrong, their child has thrived much more than kids from many conflict ravaged, in tact marriages.

The trouble arises when one or the other or both partners requires the other person to grow in the same direction in order to remain psychologically stable.  The people who have the most difficulty and create the most havoc in allowing the other person to become a different person are often what we refer to as being Narcissists* or having Borderline Personalities**.  Narcissists are driven by a need to psychologically dominate others to serve their ego; people with Borderline Personalities are driven by a need to control others to serve their own psychological survival. When either of these types of people sense their partner is not conforming to their psychological needs, they become enraged.  The rage of Narcissists is a reaction to the other person having the impudence to not do want the narcissist wants.  The rage of people with Borderline Personalities comes from the terror that they will fragment if the other person either controls or threatens to abandon them.

Should you remain in a marriage if the two of you have grown apart?  Each case is different and comes down to what in the long run you are getting and what you’re not by being with someone who is not doing anything wrong, but is just being true to themselves.

One way to not only survive but thrive in a marriage in which each of you grow into different personalities is if you share core values to which your commitment can override personality incompatibility.  If for instance your love, devotion and commitment to God or family in your actions vs. words is much more important than getting your way, there is more than enough room to live happily ever after regardless of who each of you grow up to be.

What do you think?

* To learn more about Narcissists check out: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life by Linda Martinez-Lewi.
** To learn more about Borderline Personalities check out: “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold Kreisman.