Pseudo-independent - You act un-needy, but you’re really prideful, don’t believe anyone else will do it right and don’t want to be beholding to anyone. You can’t really do life without other people. Your “empire” is no more than a Glass Menagerie, but as long as you don’t see it that way, it doesn’t seem to matter to you that everyone else does.

Independent - You are needful. You lean into people. You get input from others, but keep your problems as your responsibility. You are mature enough to realize that until you can be effectively interdependent, you can’t be independent.

From: The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again…and Stay There

Also: How to Raise a Self-Confident Child

AND special “preorder” offer of my next book: “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. Email me proof that you have preordered the book and I’ll send you an advance excerpt and speak with you for 15 minutes to help you get through to anyone in your life; preorder 10 books for you and your team and I’ll add a 30 minute teleconference coaching call to help you and them get through to anyone; preorder 25 books and I’ll do an hour coaching call; preorder 250 books and I’ll do a live training for your company (exclusive of expenses).  To get a taste of what “Just Listen” is about and how doing it can help you get through to anyone, sign up for the FREE RESOURCES and check out the “Just Listen: How to Get Through to Anyone” brief video and use it with your team to see how it can help all of you be more effective.

(c) 2009 Mark Goulston

What have YOU sacrificed today to help the world?
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

When you demonstrate poise under pressure,
you stop being a service or product,
that people will commoditize
and instead become a person
they will want esteem from.
That is the leverage of “personal authority.”

The following is excerpted from Chapter 3: Move Yourself from “Oh F#@&” to OK from my upcoming book, ““Just Listen” - Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (which you can pre-order).

The best example of coolness under fire I’ve ever seen involved former Secretary of State Colin Powell. In 1996, Powell was the keynote speaker at a national conference for a leading residential real estate company’s top producers. By that point, he’d achieved tremendous popularity with the American public and was being considered as a presidential nominee.

I happened to be in the audience that day, and General Powell had me (and everyone else) in the palm of his hand. He urged the audience to give back to their communities. He spoke passionately of his gratitude for his family, childhood, and friends. And he exhorted us all to “do well by doing good.”

At the end of his talk, he called for questions. Still feeling the warm glow of his inspiring words, we were totally unprepared for what happened next.

“General Powell,” the first questioner said, “I understand that your wife once suffered from depression, had to take medicine, and was even in a mental hospital. Do you want to comment on that?”

You could hear all 8,000 people in the auditorium gasp at the inappropriateness—not to mention the cruelty—of the question. In the silence that followed, we all wondered how Powell would react to being blindsided. Edmund Muskie had thrown away his presidential hopes years earlier, when a reporter asked about his wife’s sanity, and he started to cry. What would Powell do under similar circumstances?

Here’s exactly what he did. He looked at the questioner. He paused for a moment. And then he simply responded: ”Excuse me—the person you love more than anyone is living in hell, and you don’t do whatever you can to get her out. Do you have a problem with that, sir?”

I was in awe. His response was brilliant. It was calm. It was perfect.

And believe me: it wasn’t the first thing General Powell wanted to do. For a split second, he probably wanted to walk down from the podium, grab the idiot who asked the question, and knock his teeth through the back of his head. Because that’s what every one of us would want to do in his place.

But he didn’t give in to anger (even though he had every right to). And he didn’t cry, like Senator Muskie. Instead, he went from “Oh F#@&” to “OK” faster than I’ve ever seen anyone do it.

As a result, he reached me even more deeply than he had with his speech. He reached everyone in the audience and touched them to their core. And I have no doubt he reached the questioner just as powerfully as a fist in the face would have—without having to lift a finger to do it.

That’s poise under pressure. And if you can achieve that same poise, it’ll get you successfully through any stressful, high-stakes encounters that life hands you.

To demonstrate YOUR personal authority, please sign up for the FREE RESOURCES above to learn “Two Questions to Gain People’s Respect and Have Them Treat You Better.” Please leave a comment on this blog post to let me know how it works out for you.

When you go from somebody to anybody,
it’s the same as being nobody.
Imagine then what it’s like to go from an idol to a freak.

I wonder what the toll on someone’s peace of mind, subsequent stress level and need to take meds to deal with it would be when a world that used to idolize you ridicules you as a screwball.

In Hamlet Shakespeare wrote that: “The lady doth protest too much.” It’s understandable that the untimely death of the “King of Pop” would generate such an emotional reaction since Michael Jackson’s life, accomplishments and setbacks have occurred alongside our own. I just wonder how much of the outpouring that we see and that we may feel coming from within ourselves is fueled by a touch of guilt that maybe our laughing and parodying of him over the past decade may have contributed to what finally made his heart give out.

Whatever the case, it appears that his memory will be less about the person whom we felt embarrassed for and more about the superstar who “thrilled” us for so long.

So long Michael. May you rest in peace and I hope that when you run into Elvis and Frank Sinatra you’re jammin away.

Also: Will Michael Jackson be loved for who he once was or not?

To err is human,
to take full responsibility for it,
face and pay all the consequences,
is divine

We and Governor Mark Sanford may never know why he did what he did? It’s unclear if we or Bill Clinton ever figured out why he did what he did or John Edwards or Eliot Spitzer or yadda, yadda, yadda…

But what is clear is the “rubbernecking” that this story is causing as if people are watching some roadside disaster. The attraction may be that the exposure of Sanford’s immoral, is causing waves of anxiety among the not-yet-caught men who are flirting with similar disasters and the women who love them. It has been a bad few days for denial.

I can imagine millions of men who have been cheating on their wives through prostitutes or mistresses or tip toeing into their dens and home offices to lose themselves in the world of pornography, scurrying around to erase phone numbers and delete computer files and swear to themselves that they will never engage in such behavior again.

I can also imagine these men looking more guilty than usual and raising the suspicions of their wives.

Finally I can imagine volatile confrontations taking place that are finally exposing marital infidelity of one form or another.

If such activities are exposed, can the damage be undone? Once trust is broken by betrayal, can it be regained?

There is a road back, but it takes practicing the 4 R’s to respond to the 4 H’s you triggered in the other person by betraying their trust.

The 4 H’s and the 4 R’s:

1. To ease the HURT you need to demonstrate REMORSE to show that you know you damaged something in them, by looking them directly in the eye and admitting you’re truly sorry, with no excuses (this is the stumbling block for very narcissistic people and something Bill Clinton had trouble with during the Monica situation)

2. To respond to the HATE you need to show RESTITUTION and offer a payback for what you took away from them by giving up something that matters to you or letting them verbally punch themselves out at you for making them feel crazy
while you lied to them

3. To lower their HESITATION TO TRUST you need to REHABILITATE yourself to let them see a new way of dealing with those situations that caused you to stray and that you actually prefer to your old destructive behavior

4. To get them to stop HOLDING ONTO A GRUDGE, you need to REQUEST FORGIVENESS after practicing those 3 R’s for a minimum of 6 months so they can become a part of your personality

If the other person is still unable to forgive you after that, you are no longer unforgivable (if you haven’t gone beyond betrayal into abuse), they are unforgiving.

It’s clear what is in it for you if they forgive you, but what’s in it for them? When you earnestly practice the 4 R’s above, you enable the person you injured to go from fear and loathing to feeling safe, trusting and even liking you again—and that feeling is called, “euphoria.”

*A full explanation of the 4 H’s and 4 R’s and how to use them to rebuild trust is available in The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again…and Stay There (Perigee) by Mark Goulston with Philip Goldberg.

First seen at Huffington Post

I had a bad dream that won’t go away.

I had this realization that the United States may be essentially “screwed” (not by others, but by itself) as globalization, both socially and economically, becomes more of a reality.

In the dream I looked at the United States through the eyes of the rest of the world and this is what I saw and concluded:

1. “You don’t have a work ethic among your youth or much of your young adults or even middle age adults. By this we mean that unless you are incentivized by a near term material gain or something that adds to your personal status or stature, you don’t try. And also, unless you see that what you are doing will lead to that personal, self-serving goal, you stop trying.”
2. “You act entitled instead of earning what you deserve. That means that you believe that what you want should automatically come to you. You confuse a privilege (which you need to earn) with a right, that is given to you.”
3. “You resist thinking and planning unless it gets you an immediate reward. You are not intellectually curious. You fight learning and instead are focused on having.”
4. “We no longer need your services (which we are quickly becoming skilled at…including creativity which you think is yours alone) nor your products (as ours are increasingly becoming better in quality and reliability).”
5. “What we do need, but increasingly less now than before, is your money to buy our services and products, which you will keep paying us as our services and products increase in quality and are less expensive because we are not weighed down by all your excessive labor and other costs.”
6. “And we are certainly quite happy for you to use your resources both in money and in manpower to go chasing after terrorism in the world. And since we know you will go it alone, we are perfectly happy to let you do that until you can no longer afford it (which has already occurred).”
7. “We are not against you, but if you steadfastly refuse to wake up and do a reality check to see that you are part of the global community and no longer ‘King of the Hill,’ the world will pass you by.”

There was much more in the dream which I thankfully can’t recall, but I think that’s enough to keep me awake for many nights to come.

Please tell me I am wrong.

If by chance you want to not lose sleep and learn the best way to work between generations, check out Interchange Group

Integrity–noun: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
- Dictionary.com

In David Lazarus’ Sunday, June 21, 2009 Los Angeles Times column, “Taking integrity to the bank,” he spoke about the need for President Obama’s proposal for a regulatory agency to watch over the banking industry. This move is not intended to curb financial growth, but to protect the consumer from a now historic tendency by that industry to put its own greedy needs ahead of the trust of those it serves.

Here is the challenge. Can a greedy, self-justifying zebra like the banking industry change its stripes? Stated differently, can there ever be honor amongst thieves when they are, as Lazarus begins his column, “in denial?”

Regulation is certainly an understandable and necessary, “damage control” first response that seeks to control these companies from the outside in. However, I worry that it will be no more successful than putting in place a restraining order against a psychopath that is hell bent on defying it.

For true reform to take place, it has to occur from the inside (of bankers) out. To do that, banks and bankers must respond to the 4 H’s with the 4 R’s.

When the trust of consumers was savagely taken away, it triggered the 4 H’s of Betrayal:

1. Hurt – consumers have felt wounded by discovering that what they were told about saving for the long term (and many other things) by not taking risks was a lie.
2. Hate – after the pain of that initial wound has lessened sufficiently and they realize they haven’t been killed off, consumers hate the banks for lying to them, betraying them and rendering the world as they know it unsafe. In essence the bankers have done to consumers on an equal scale what terrorists did on 9/11.
3. Hesitation to Trust – when as safe as they thought they were is as unsafe as they turned out to be, consumers are not going to let their guard down soon and risk being betrayed again. That is fueled by the fact that the first betrayal/trauma may not have killed them off, but they fear a second one would. It is this fear of not being able to survive re-traumatization that fuels their guardedness.
4. Holding onto a Grudge – even if they could move past the Hurt, Hate and Hesitation to Trust, consumers will still Hold onto a Grudge. In that way they will have an automatic, built in deterrent to letting the banks hurt them again. You can’t hold a grudge and let someone through at the same time.

To address the 4 H’s of Betrayal, banks and bankers will need to follow The 4 R’s of Reform.

1. Remorse – this is the only response that Hurt will understand and accept and is the most difficult one for bankers (and most people) to offer. It is much more than Regret, which is simply saying: “I’m sorry. Trust me.  It won’t happen again. Now can we just move on?” It is looking into the eyes of the people a banker has betrayed, seeing in them the trust they broke, the deep and possibly irreversible injury they caused and saying from their heart: “I betrayed you. I lied to you. I broke your trust and a part of you. I was wrong and I did wrong.” The reason this is so critical and usually so lacking is that consumers need to see bankers knowing and feeling firsthand the pain they inflicted so that knowing how bad it felt, they wouldn’t do it again. Looking unflinchingly into the eyes of a person they harmed (imagine a rapist looking into the eyes of their victim at sentencing) and feeling embarrassment, humiliation, guilt and shame are the only things that will cause a consumer to believe that bankers will finally understand the damage they did.  It is only when bankers experience that deep penetrating pain that they’ll get a taste of what betrayal feels like.
2. Restitution – after showing true remorse the bankers need to offer a payback for the injury they caused. The Hate that victims feel requires this. Initially it involves bankers pausing to hear out and feel whatever their victims care to show them through their eyes and words (imagine “Hell hath no fury as a person who has entrusted their life savings to you, that you stole from”). But that is just the beginning. What victims need to then receive is an actual payback possibly in the form of legal prosecution, but furthermore in the form of an actual payback. No banker that made so much money off the backs of people they misled or lied to should have a second house or extra car while his victims have been foreclosed and maybe even rendered homeless.
3. Rehabilitation – this addresses consumers’ Hesitation to Trust. Unless consumers see that banks have a new way of pursuing their ambition and desire to make money that doesn’t cross the line into lying or manipulation, they are not going to trust the banks again. Furthermore, in order to truly believe that the banks have changed, consumers will need to see that the banks actually like and prefer their new “integrity based” values in doing business (think of the philandering husband who has learned to communicate his disappointment, frustration and hurt to his wife, before he acts out on it by cheating). This will be difficult, because ambition and integrity do not generally co-exist.
4. Request Forgiveness – after the banks have had a track record of at least 18 months of the first 3 R’s, which is the minimum time to replace the truly incorrigible, unscrupulous people in their ranks and then to internalize these values, banks will have earned the right to request forgiveness. Since you can’t undo what has already been done, this is all that the banks can do. At this point the banks and bankers that have followed the first 3 R’s are no longer unforgivable, those people who still refuse to trust are unforgiving.

That’s it. The 4 H’s of Betrayal and 4 R’s of Reform are the only steps necessary to repair the loss of consumer trust (a fascinating fact to me is that you can still increase consumer confidence without restoring consumer trust, but that is the subject for another column).

Unfortunately, I don’t have high hopes that this can or will happen. I don’t know many – or for that matter any – people who can make it through the first step of looking into the eyes of the people they have injured to their core, see the damage they wreaked, keep looking at it and admit they were wrong and then accept the punishment they deserve.

Bearing a child makes you a mother or father;
Rearing a child makes you a mom or dad,

Understanding a child makes you a great parent.

Deep—and not so deep—inside most parents is the hope that they did a good job raising their children. I certainly include myself on that list. And when you get a sign that you have done so, there is no greater gift a parent can receive on Mother’s or Father’s Day. Here is such a gift that I received several years ago from my eldest daughter. What made it particularly special is that it didn’t occur on Father’s Day.

Hi Dad,

Last night I was walking around Manhattan as I often do with my friends talking about how confused we felt about our futures. And as frequently happens I said, “My dad said…” and as always happens, it made the conversation considerably better. I don’t know how many of my friends can say the same about their fathers. I am so lucky to have such a wise dad, even if he does live 3,000 miles away. See you in a few weeks.

Love, Lauren

I wouldn’t sell that note for a million bucks. And no matter how bad a day is, or how rude or annoying people are to me, or how little positive feedback I receive, I know that I matter—because there’s a piece of paper I carry in my wallet that says so.*

If you want to let your dad know that he matters, send a similar note to him this Father’s Day.

• * excerpted from: “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (PREORDER NOW0
• How to Raise a Self-Confident Child”
• “Grow Your Company without Short-Changing Your Kid”“
• Check out FREE RESOURCES

Maybe you hang out with a better crowd than I know about, but it’s rare that I see people transform from selfish to selfless or from evading to taking personal responsibility.

Now consider this 2005 list of how CEO pay compares to average worker pay according to the following countries.

Country/Ratio of CEO pay to Average Worker Pay

• Japan/11:1
• Germany/12:1
• France/15:1
• Italy/20:1
• Canada/20:1
• South Africa/21:1
• Britain/22:1
• Hong Kong/41:1
• Mexico/47:1
• Venezuela/50:1
• United States/475:1

If the U.S. ratio is nearly ten times the next highest, it appears to me that American CEO’s are not likely to go along with efforts to restrict their pay anytime soon.  That’s because greed, entitlement and an inflated view of their abilities is in their personalities.  So as a solution, why not bring in CEO’s from outside the U.S. (who don’t have such entitlement and greed built into their personalities) to run our companies (Indra Nooyi, CEO and Chairwoman of PepsiCo is not a bad example).

I have relied on medical and financial professionals from Asia, India and China for a number of years and find them to be trustworthy, competent, humble AND appreciative of the opportunity to practice their craft in the United States.  Money, greed and entitlement are absent.

Years ago the medical profession use to think of FMG (foreign medical graduates) as less capable, less trained than their American counterparts.  They took all the Internships and Residencies that American medical graduates fancied themselves as being too good for.

Not any more.  I don’t think I am alone in the experience of dedication, professionalism and competence without attitude by people who have come to America to find a career and opportunity and are appreciative of both.

Maybe the time has come to get rid of the entitled and the selfish and stop believing all their “puffery” as being the only ones who can effectively and successfully lead corporate America into the 21st century.

“With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation’s wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow, and his orphan — to do all which may achieve a just and lasting peace among ourselves, and with all nations.”

- Abraham Lincoln, second inaugural address, March 4, 1865

This photograph of Lincoln delivering his second inaugural address is the only known photograph of Lincoln giving a speech. Lincoln stands in the center, with papers in his hand.

There is something I have trouble comprehending. Capitalism dictates that whoever takes the biggest financial risks, deserve the biggest rewards. And the worry now is that if executive pay is clamped down on, there will be a whole spate of people who will refuse to work if they are not rewarded according to what they feel their taking risks warrant.

If that is so, then how do we rationalize how small the rewards, much less simple repayment, are given to soldiers and veterans who put their lives (and consequently their families’ well-being) at risk so that the rest of us can enjoy freedom and a chance for capitalistic success.

A friend recently told me:

“The measure of a civilization is how it treats those who have hurt it, are hurting in it, and have sacrificed for it.”

I’m not here to rail against our post Geneva Convention torture of detainees nor about the health care problems of nearly all Americans that refuse to get solved. There are more than enough people at the Huffington Post and elsewhere to weigh in on those.

But I am here to say that it is not enough to honor the “all who gave some” servicemen and women with parades on Veterans Day and the “some who gave all” who gave their lives with ceremonies on Memorial Day. We need to repay their sacrifice with the resources they need and deserve to return to fulfilling civilian lives. And if they have died, we need to help their families.

It’s the least all of us can do.

ALSO:
- The Real Meaning of Words
- Memorial Day, 2009
- Sign up to receive FREE RESOURCES including “Just Listen” 3 minute video to use with your teams
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