than what you’re excellent at

It has recently dawned on me that less really is more, especially when that less is something that you are really excellent at.

The key is having what I call relevant excellence which is greatly exceeding the expectations of people in doing something that is important, if not critical to them, and something that few others can do.

I write and speak pretty well. I do a good job of coaching executive and upper management, providing team building and training sales teams.  I think however I may be excellent at seeing things that others don’t see, pointing it out to them and prescribing (I am after all a medical doctor) solutions they can immediately use to be more productive and successful and even occasionally more happy. At least that is what I am told by a fair number of clients.

Focus on what you are excellent at and people will want to know what else you can do.  Or they’ll ask you, who else you know that is excellent at a particular service that they need.  That can then put you in the position to making a referral which can come back to you from the person you refer to.

Read more and have a neat PDF to keep as a reminder at: Be Excellent and Multiply (you may forward the link to anyone, but you can’t publish it at a website, unless you purchase it at: Tribune Media Specialty Products)

Catch more of my Tribune syndicated columns at: Solve Anything with Dr. Mark

A: I believe that progress will only happen when you take an honest look at yourself through other people’s eyes and then commit, through actions vs. words, to change negative behaviors, usually one at a time, that other people say you are doing that gets in the way of their feeling good about working with you.

Here is a list of such behaviors taken from Marshall Goldsmith’s best selling book, “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful” (Hyperion, $23.95).

1. Winning too much: The need to win at all costs and in all situations.

2. Adding too much value: The overwhelming desire to add our 2 cents to every discussion.

3. Passing judgment: The need to rate others and impose our standards on them.

4. Making destructive comments: The needless sarcasm and cutting remarks that we think make us witty.

5. Starting with NO, BUT, HOWEVER: The overuse of these negative qualifiers which secretly say to everyone that I’m right and you’re wrong.

6. Telling the world how smart we are: The need to show people we’re smarter than they think we are.

7. Speaking when angry: Using emotional volatility as a management tool.

8. Negativity, or “Let me explain why that won’t work”: The need to share our negative thoughts even when we weren’t asked.

9. Withholding information: The refusal to share information in order to maintain an advantage over others.

10. Failing to give proper recognition: The inability to give praise and reward.

11. Claiming credit that that we don’t deserve: The most annoying way to overestimate our contributions to any success.

12. Making excuses: The need to reposition our annoying behavior as a permanent fixture so people excuse us for it.

13. Clinging to the past: The need to deflect blame away from ourselves and onto events and people from our past; a subset of blaming everyone else.

14. Playing favorites: Failing to see that we are treating someone unfairly.

15. Refusing to express regret: The inability to take responsibility for our actions, admit we’re wrong, or recognize how our actions affect others.

16. Not listening: The most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for colleagues.

17. Failing to express gratitude: The most basic form of bad manners.

18. Punishing the messenger: The misguided need to attack the innocent who are usually only trying to help us.

19. Passing the buck: The need to blame everyone but ourselves.

20. An excessive need to be “me:” Exalting our faults as virtues simply because they’re who we are.

The way to use this list is to: first, select four stakeholders, including the managing partner, a partner, another associate, and a staff person, who want you to succeed, but who will be candid with you; then have them check off behaviors on the list that you are guilty of; next ask them to rank order from most problematic to least problematic, those behaviors that get in the way of their working productively with you; finally, when two or more of your stakeholders agree on certain particularly egregious behaviors, commit to them that you will change one behavior at a time going forward and that you would like to check in with them periodically regarding your progress and for additional suggestions to improve upon. The proof that you have really changed only comes when your stakeholders agree that you have changed those behaviors and are sustaining those changes.

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Mark Goulston, M.D., is a management and leadership adviser and author of “Get Out of Your Own Way at Work…and Help Others Do the Same.” Visit him at: http://markgoulston.com and e-mail your questions to mgoulston@markgoulston.com.

A: Bosses usually ask themselves seven questions before they are likely to give you a raise. Put yourselves in your boss’ shoes, answer these seven questions, and you’re much more likely to get a raise when you ask for it.

1. What have you been able to GET DONE for me? Bosses don’t care who you are or what you know, until they know what you are able to get done for them. Achieve great results and do it with a minimum of training or hand-holding and your boss will quickly recognize the value of your work.

2. Why is that IMPORTANT to me? Your boss is looking for something that is important to him rather than to you. Do something that makes your boss look good to their boss or that helps their career and they’ll be more likely to reward you. Find out what they want and need most, then do that and get them to somehow notice it without too obviously calling attention to it.

3. Is that MORE than I’m getting now? Whether people own up to it or not, everybody wants more. Getting more from you than they expected gives your boss the feeling that they are smart for having you work for them.

4. Is that BETTER than I’m getting now? Even bosses who desire quantity seek out quality in your work product. Being able to help produce high quality results that exceed the expectations of not only your boss, but their boss as well, will do wonders for your perceived worth to your boss.

5. Is that SOONER than I’m getting it now? Time is money. That’s just a fact. Your boss may bark at you to speed things up, but his superiors are breathing down their necks to do the same. If you can deliver results sooner than your boss expects, it distinguishes you from all the other employees who have trouble meeting deadlines.

6. Does it COST LESS than I am spending now? Cost is an issue in your boss’ mind. They have a budget that’s seems too skimpy to they, but they have to make do with it. If your results far exceed your cost, you’re a diamond in the rough. Just even considering the cost factor in what you do sets you apart from others.

7. Is that LESS RISKY than what I am doing now? As much as some bosses like the excitement of a pedal-to-the-medal, throw-caution-to-the-wind new project, the potential slips and slides scare them more. Be someone that helps your boss to safely take on bigger and better projects.

If you don’t make the effort to consider what your boss wants from you, why should they pay you more and help you to advance in your career? How successful can you hope to be if you’re offering something that: doesn’t do anything for them, isn’t important to them, is less than what they’re getting now, is of lower quality to what they have now, takes longer than it’s taking now, costs more than they’re spending now, and requires more risk than they’re taking now?

Your bosses are not fools. If you don’t take your boss’ expectations into consideration, you’re only fooling yourself.

Q: I am very ambitious and want to succeed in my career, what are your suggestions for getting ahead? I don’t want to do anything dishonest, but I am not against it being a bit on the calculating side.

A: This will offend the pure of heart, but what the heck, you asked for the down and dirty truth of getting ahead.

First and foremost realize that to succeed in your career, it’s less important what you know or even who you know than who knows you and how they know you.

Early in your career find out who the most powerful, respected, successful and most emotionally guarded people are in the industry or field you are most passionate about. Find a way to develop a relationship by saying to them: “I want to learn everything you know. What’s the best way to do that?”

Then do whatever they ask or tell you, learn everything they know and learn how to be trusted and indispensable to them. Then when they can’t be king any more and if they haven’t cultivated close confidants, they will turn over the keys to the kingdom to you.

If and when they do, be respectful, loyal and generous and pay them back with the best retirement, involvement, or whatever they want.

You don’t have to look very far to find examples of people who have done just that.

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Mark Goulston, M.D. is a senior career expert at peoplejam.com and author of “Get Out of Your Own Way at Work.” Visit him at: http://markgoulston.com and contact him at: mgoulston@markgoulston.com

A: If you make and take the time to use all the features of Microsoft Outlook or other popular contact management software, it will save you time later. If you’re not one to take the time and learn it on your own, try one of the many courses available in your area.

Orange County-based Jerry Bame coaches and mentors lawyers to make their lives less miserable and advises them to deal with email by hiring someone to screen it, discard what is irrelevant and file what matters so it easy to retrieve and deal with. He even says you can bill your clients for time in having someone read and file their emails.

If it’s just you and your email without the luxury of someone screening it, you can train the people who email you by sending them an email that says: “Your email is important to me and to make sure it gets my attention, please put in the subject heading and of the following: referred by (give a name of person I know who referred you), a ( …._) question (that should be relevant to what I do), a thank you, an apology (or you can pick whatever you want them to say that spammers won’t know). Over time you should begin to receive emails only from people you want to contact you.

Now here’s the kicker, you need to discipline yourself to stop being seduced by what’s interesting (but distracting), to delete it, and then to focus on what’s important. If all else fails, just stop looking at or responding to emails altogether. If someone wants you badly enough, they’ll call you, but dealing with voice mail is another column.

Look Back to Look Forward

Q: I have been in the work force for 10 years and have had four different jobs. I am fortunate because I have enough skills that I can usually find a job and don’t want to sound like a whiner when so many people have trouble holding onto a job. My problem is that I don’t know what kind of work I want to do. Is there anything I can do to either make my present job more enjoyable or if I leave — since I’m getting itchy feet — or find a job that will make me happier for a long time?

A: Yes, you are whining. Nevertheless, I’m in a benevolent mood today so I’m not going to say something such as, “Stop being such a baby and appreciate what you do have compared to so many that are having a tough time.” No, I’m not going to say that, because that would be ungracious and ill-mannered. Try this. Print out your schedule and then place green check mark next to every activity or meeting or interaction with someone that gives you energy and leaves you wanting to do it again soon. Then put a red check next to those activities/meetings/people that suck the life out of you and cause you to need to take a break afterwards to grab a smoke, go off your diet, or just go into your office and want to pull your hair out and scream, “Aagh!!” Those are the kinds of things that you’re not to keen to doing again in the near future. Over time this will help you be aware of what you like and dislike and then when it comes time for a review (or your next job) – and presuming that you’re so darn hirable – speak to your boss or your next boss and tell them what activities you’ve discovered will cause you to be most productive and get the best results for them. If you can make that kind of case, you may be allowed to customize your job so it’s more satisfying. Of course, if you’d rather just whine, ignore what I just said and hopefully some other reader will find it useful. Hmm, this whining thing is contagious. I just started doing it.

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Mark Goulston is a Santa Monica-based management and leadership adviser and author of “Get Out of Your Own Way at Work…and Help Others Do the Same.” Visit him at: http://markgoulston.com and e-mail your questions to mgoulston@markgoulston.com.

A: There is something you can do. You can react to failure by blaming others, making excuses, feeling sorry for yourself or avoiding the world or you can use that pain to say to yourself, “Never again will I let this happen,” and come up with a plan to make good on your pledge.

Next time you are laying face down after making a mistake that you could have prevented, but didn’t, instead of blaming someone else, beating up on yourself or feeling sorry for yourself, take out an index card and fill out the following, which is “The Never Again Tool,” as found in “Get Out of Your Own Way at Work,” (Perigee, $24.95):

If I had that to do over again, what I would have done differently is ( ) because ( ).My commitment to do [ the new action] the next time is ( ) (1 = won’t do it; 5 = maybe; 10 = will do it). A good person to hold me accountable to doing that would be ( ).

Then seek out a person who you greatly respect, who believes in you and who you wouldn’t want to disappoint and tell them that you’re making a commitment to deal with stressful situations in a healthy way and you would like to ask you how you dealt with it, the next time it happens.

What raise?

Q: What’s the best way to get a promotion or a raise?

A: If you’re looking for a pay raise or promotion, you’ll need your boss on your side. Before helping an employee up the ladder, bosses — either consciously or unconsciously — ask themselves seven questions. If you can put yourself in your boss’ place and answer these queries, you’re much more likely to get the help you need. It also helps if you have a boss who gives credit where credit is due.

1. What can you get done for me? A dream employee reflects favorably on the boss and the department, getting great results with minimal training and hand-holding. Your boss must be able to size up quickly, simply and clearly the value of your work.

2. Why is that important to me? Your boss is looking for something that is important to him or her rather than to you. You may love some aspect of your work, but if it is of no value to your boss, who cares? Find out what the chief wants and needs most – and get it done. Then, without being too obvious, get it noticed.

3. Is that more than I’m getting now? Whether they own up to it or not, everybody wants more. It’s not just about greed – having more offers some protection against having less at some other time. Getting more from you also lets your boss feel smart for having you around.

4. Is that better than I’m getting now? Even bosses who desire quantity seek quality in your work. High-quality results that exceed expectations – not only of your boss, but your boss’ boss – will do wonders for your perceived worth.

5. Is that sooner than I’m getting it now? Time is money. If you can deliver the results sooner than your boss expects, it distinguishes you from other employees who may have trouble meeting deadlines.

6. Does it cost less than I’m spending now? Cost is vital to your boss. His budget is skimpy, but he has to make do. If your results far exceed your cost, you’re a diamond in the rough. Even considering cost sets you apart.

7. Is that less risky than what I’m doing now? As much as bosses like the excitement of a throw-caution-to-the-wind new project, the potential slips and slides scare them more. Help your boss safely take on bigger and better projects.

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Mark Goulston is a Santa Monica-based management and leadership adviser and author of “Get Out of Your Own Way at Work…and Help Others Do the Same.” Visit him at: http://markgoulston.com and e-mail your questions to mgoulston@markgoulston.com.

A: It’s not too late to come clean and let your daughter’s love and trust be your conscience and guide (better do it before she turns into a manipulative teenager).

Here are 10 tips for being worthy of her love and trust and for raising your self-esteem.

1. Raise the self-esteem of others. Be supportive, give them the benefit of the doubt; never ridicule or belittle anyone.

2. Push outside your comfort zone. Help others even when you feel like quitting. Listen patiently to things that are important to someone else, whether or not they’re important to you.

3. Don’t like the decision? Do your best to make it work. Try others’ ideas when you disagree with them, just as you would want them to try yours.

4. Ask for help. Don’t be a victim and expect people to feel sorry for you. And learn to ask instead of demand.

5. Promptly, sincerely thank someone who has helped you. It’s only common sense. Why seem ungrateful?

6. Promptly offer help without being asked. If you really mean it, why wait?

7. Been hurt? Forgive, forget, move on. When people make honest mistakes that hurt you, let go as soon as possible. That doesn’t mean you should let hurtful people hurt you again. But try to keep a long memory for the good deeds and a short memory for the others.

8. Learn to apologize. Don’t just own up to your mistakes. Say how you plan to keep them from reoccurring. And keep your commitment.

9. Congratulate! It’s normal to feel envy, even jealousy, when good things happen to others. But acting out those feelings is for jerks.

10. Try to give more than you take. You know what makes you happy, but do you know what would put a smile on another face? Could it be that hard to find out? Could it be so hard to do?

If the above 10 tips seem too much to wrap your hands around then just follow the Golden Rule of Self-Esteem: Character is what you do when you’re disappointed, hurt, angry, bored or tempted … and nobody’s looking.

High maintenance people

Q: I love my job, but I can’t stand the complainers and whiners that suck the joy out of being at work. What’s the best way to deal with these negative people?

A: Ah, High-maintenance people — one of my favorite topics and least favorite type of people. They are slow-growing cancers. If you don’t recognize them early and learn to deal with them effectively, they’ll metastasize through everything that’s good about your life, professionally and personally.

I’m betting several names will pop into your mind as soon as I mention their two most notable characteristics: they are difficult to please and easy to disappoint. Other identifiable traits in addition to those you named are their constant pouting, sulking, irritability and downright exasperating behavior.

How should you deal with these energy vampires? Here are some tips:
Don’t try to change them. Let’s face it, you are no match for them. Why should they change when they can usually get whatever they want from you?
• Keep your interactions simple, clear and direct. Know exactly what they expect from you and what you can expect in return. And do expect something in return. Otherwise your reward for giving to these takers will be not appreciation, but rather the expectation that you will keep giving. If they become indignant and take a haughty tone of “Don’t do me any favors!” then don’t do them any favors.
Gradually reduce the time you give them. This will not be easy if you’re one of those who sees the good in the not-so-good and continues to give second and third chances to people who don’t deserve them. But if you don’t, you will get burned out and start to avoid them. Worse yet, you may find them draining so much of your energy that you start withdrawing from real friends.
• Get even with them. Next time they hit on you, say, “I’d like to think about that.” The next time they complain to you, respond with, “I don’t know what to say — I wasn’t there and there are always two sides to every story.” Then watch them go ballistic and say, “Gee, I’m sorry that’s so upsetting to you.” Then get away.

Start cutting your losses with high-maintenance people sooner rather than later. You will discover vitality, satisfying friendships and a joie de vivre that you may not have thought possible. It’ll also be a lot easier to get out of bed in the morning.

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Mark Goulston is Santa Monica-based management and leadership adviser and author of “Get Out of Your Own Way at Work…and Help Others Do the Same.” Visit him at: http://markgoulston.com and e-mail your questions to mgoulston@markgoulston.com.

A: Wow, a ME-llenial asking for advice. That’s refreshing. Something you’ve already used that puts you ahead of your peers is “anticipatory humility,” i.e. you know that getting ahead also requires getting along. To build on that and win friends and influence bosses ask your new one: “To have the best chance for success here and for the best working relationship with you, what are three things I should ALWAYS do and three things I should NEVER do?” Few bosses or for that matter anyone run into people who anticipate their relationship and proactively want to do what’s necessary to optimize it going forward. Certainly beats having the first thing out of your mouth be: “When’s my first raise and what’s the soonest I can take vacation days?”

Q: I can’t stand to get “No” for an answer. My friends tell me, I just need to let the “No’s” wash off my back. They say that selling cars is just a matter of numbers and that the more presentations I make the more sales I will close and also the less upsetting a single “No” will be. Is there any way to take the sting out of hearing a “No?”
John P., Los Angeles

A: Your friends are right, but there is actually another way to look forward to getting a “No.”
The way to do that is to realize that until you get a “No,” you’re not asking for enough. And when you ask for too little, you’ll have some explaining to do when you go back to your sales manager and try to tell them why you didn’t ask for more. A better approach is to keep pushing for what you want until you receive a “No” response. This will help you to know that you are within the range of what the other person is willing to spend. More importantly it will be one of the best opportunities to demonstrate poise.

Here’s what to do.

As the other person becomes frustrated or irritated or even nervous (because they think it might make you angry or upset you) at saying “No”, pause, take a breath and then say as earnestly as possible: “I either pushed too hard or failed to address something that was important to you, didn’t I?”

After they get over their momentary astonishment at your owning up to your pushiness, they will either nod in agreement or may actually say, with an awkward smile (because they’re off guard), “You sure did.” At that moment, their mind has agreed and aligned psychologically with you and without their knowing it, they have actually begun to say, “Yes” to you.

While their mind in this agreement (i.e. “Yes, I agree that you blew it!”) mode, build on the moment by saying, “At what point did I go too far and also, what important points did I fail to address that had I addressed might have caused you to say, ‘Yes”?”

As they begin to elaborate on these, they are: 1) getting their frustration at you off their chest; 2) addressing what they wanted from you in order to agree with you. Both of these will help you turn that “No” into a “Yes” and get you closer to what was possible to receive from them.

Q: When someone ticks me off, I usually say or do something that I end up regretting and then I have to go about doing damage control. How can I learn to be less reactive?
Sara L., Pasadena

A: When someone says or does something that upsets you, think of the first thing you want to say or do and don’t say or do it; pause, take a deep breath and then think of second thing you want to say or do and don’t say or do that; pause again, and take another deep breath and finally think of the third thing you want to say or do and do say or do that.
The first thing you want to say or do is about defending yourself. The second thing is about retaliating. The third thing is about finding a solution.

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Mark Goulston is Santa Monica-based management and leadership adviser and author of “Get Out of Your Own Way at Work…and Help Others Do the Same.” Visit him at: http://markgoulston.com and e-mail your questions to mgoulston@markgoulston.com.