Years ago I was the creator of Recoupling Therapy where I helped divorced ex-spouses successfully get back together.  It caught national attention and landed me on Today, Oprah and in the N.Y. Times and Los Angeles Times.

I didn’t stay with it, because at the time a larger part of my practice was doing interventions with highly suicidal, violent and dying people and their problems seemed more life threatening (I currently do see couples who are separated, but have each decided to give their marriage one last try before they divorce.  I have called that: “Last Chance Marriage Fix”).

I learned many things from divorced couples, but one thing several of them said still stays with me and I think offers the best advice to couples who are thinking of becoming engaged.  They said that when you go through a divorce you see the other person at their absolute worst, whereas in a new relationship, you have yet to discover that.  If the other person’s absolute worst added to your owning up to how you caused problems in your ex-marriage don’t turn out to be too horrific that can give you a more realistic view of that relationship than of a new one that is still in a honeymoon period.

So here’s the tip before you give your heart to someone else.  Have at least three knock down (figuratively speaking), drag out arguments that you resolve completely.  Completely means that you express your upset and anger at the other, but each of you keep talking until you’re talking from your disappointment, hurt and even fear (that this is the beginning of pattern of unending ugliness between you) and then you both come up with a solution you both accept, agree and commit to so that another such argument doesn’t occur.

In truth there is a progression from: difference of opinion –> upset –> disagreement –> argument –> ultimatums.

The more mature a person is, the more they can allow and accept and respect another person having a different opinion without becoming upset and escalating it to a disagreement, or if they do have one, can stop things before it escalates into an argument.

The more immature a person, the more quickly does a difference of an opinion move into an argument and then ultimatums. That may explain why when an immature child doesn’t like what their parent or a friend is doing, they’re likely to say, “I hate you! You’re not my friend.” It may also explain why when immature adult aged couples have a difference of opinion they can quickly go to argument and then, “Fine, let’s just get divorced.”

The psychological reason for this involves a concept known as “object constancy.”  When you have object constancy it means that you are still able to maintain an emotional attachment to someone even after they have disappointed or hurt you.  You may not like the way it feels, but you still feel the attachment.  This is often something that is learned and a sign of emotional and psychological maturity.

Immature people and the majority of people with what are described as Personality Disorders, have poor object constancy, meaning that as soon as they feel disappointed, hurt or afraid they cut off their emotional and psychological attachment to the other person and often view them as the enemy.

How’s your Object Constancy?*

How deeply can you feel disappointed, frustrated and/or hurt by another person and still feel a connection to them?  The more deeply you can, the greater your object constancy, maturity and relationship worthiness.  The less you can tolerate feeling disappointed, frustrated and/or hurt by another person and not feel an attachment to them, the lesser your object constancy, maturity and relationship worthiness.

* “How to Grow a Thicker Skin Without Developing a Cold Heart” – In an upcoming blog learn how to become more mature in how you react and respond to a different opinion so that it not only doesn’t escalate, but serves to make you and the other person closer.

P.S. This is not bad advice to consider before you decide to sell your company or merge with, acquire or get acquired by another company. Don’t you agree?

Twenty years ago a man from a primitive tribe in South America came to New York City and was asked, “What do you think?”

He replied, “They don’t see the sky.”

He recently returned and was asked the same question.

This time he replied, “They don’t even see each other.”

Transactional myopia, i.e. get the deal, do the deal, next deal, may bring you fun and excitement, but it will never make you happy or bring you joy.

How important are the presence of the following in your life to your feeling happy?

Little = 1; Somewhat = 2; Very = 3

1. Warmth*
2. Tenderness
3. Lovingness
4. Caring
5. Kindness
6. Acceptance
7. Generosity
8. Patience
9. Satisfaction
10. Fulfillment
11. Meaningfulness
12. Joy

How present are the above in in your life?

Little = 1; Somewhat = 2; Very = 3

If there is a gap, when are you going to begin to close it?

Why not talk to the people closest to you about the first steps you and they should take to do that?

If you are willing, share your two scores in the comments section or email them to me at: mgoulston@markgoulston.com

Also:

* Huffington Post: Human Cooling, Global Warming and Childhood Obesity

And now for your viewing and listening pleasure:

When a woman says the above to a man, he scratches his head and thinks, “Do I need a shovel, do you want me to fix something in the house and when it comes to communication, I listen to you and then tell you what I think is a good solution… which you hate.”

What a woman needs to understand is that “working on a relationship” does not make sense to a man, is something he can’t understand and clearly from the tone of voice coming from that woman is obviously something he is incompetent at.

If you as the woman want the result of your little lecture/tutorial to be for him to be more caring, understanding, demonstrative and emotionally understanding and you think the above approach will produce that, with all due respect… you’re batty.

I realize I have about one more paragraph before you ladies tell me to take a hike or worse, so here goes my last shot with you.

Men don’t know how to work on a relationship or nearly anything intangible or something they can’t use cold (yes, guys… COLD) logic with. What men do know how to do is focus.

A couple that are two of my closest friends could have had the above exchange. When the wife said to her husband, “You need to listen better,” he smiled through clenched teeth and replied, “I do listen to you.”

He may have thought he was listening in his strategy to turn a conversation into a problem, come up with a solution, offer the solution and expect it to be greeted with opened arms and a, “Why thank you honey smile!” NOT A CHANCE!

Instead, she realized that he was great at focusing. And so she told him, with a kinder more patient and one glass of wine induced loving tone, “Just focus on what I am saying.”

Bingo! He was amazing at focusing on what his clients, customers and employees said and then drilling down even deeper until he understood and they felt understood. So now when his wife spoke, instead of pulling back and anticipating a “You’re clueless” look or those actual words, he leaned into what she was saying.

When she said something that had an emotional spin, a little hyperbole, or a word such as “never,” “always,” “awful” or “if only,” he would wait patiently for her to finish and then respond with, “Say more about that (repeating the word to her).”*

That would cause her to go even deeper and open up more and after she finished what she said next, he simply replied in an affirming and validating and encouraging her to talk even more tone, “Really!” After that she would go even deeper.

Following that he would say, “And the way that (situation) made you feel was __________ (and if she didn’t say, he would suggest words, such as: “Frustrated,” “Hurt,” “Angry,” “Ticked off,” “Betrayed”)” after which she would open up even further.

He then asked her: “What did you do next?” to which she told him. And then he asked her, “How did it work out?” to which she answered.

He then followed with, “I’m sorry that happened to you, what can I do to help?”

She just smiled, communicating that he already had.

And that night… he got lucky.

* The above dialogue is explained in greater detail under the concept of conversation deepeners in “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone (Amacom, $24.95).

Also:

• Valentine’s Day – The 10 Habits of Happy Couples
• Six Steps to an Intimately Memorable Valentine’s Day

There are all sorts of disagreements regarding people like Steve Jobs*, Newt Gingrich and Bill O’Reilly, but one thing most people are in agreement about is that you don’t want to get on the wrong side of them.

Other characteristic traits of such narcissists** (and this also applies to the female variety) include:

• Control freaks
• Irritability
• Short fuses
• Low frustration tolerance
• Argumentative
• Need to have the last word
• Unable to lose
• Won’t take “No” for an answer
  
• Quick to anger if you don’t accommodate them
• Quick to being aggressively defensive if you call them on any deficiency, fault or responsibility
• Can’t apologize or if do, can’t do it sincerely
• Rarely say, “Thank you” or “Congratulations”
• Don’t feel or demonstrate remorse
• Feel entitled to enthusiastic and appreciative approval, adoration, agreement and obedience
• Gloat in victory, sullen in defeat
• Quick to rage if you humiliate them

What is the connection between narcissism and rage?

There is a saying that when you’re a hammer the world looks like a nail.  When you’re a narcissist, the world looks like it should approve, adore, agree and obey you. Anything less than that feels like an assault and because of that causes a narcissist to feel justified in raging back at it.

What is at the core of narcissists is not what is often referred to as low self-esteem.  I don’t think that is accurate, but something that the people around them say to themselves to mollify their own rage at the narcissist, i.e. “Oh, they only act that way, because they lack self-esteem.”

What is really at the core of narcissists is an instability in their ability to feel and sustain feeling bigger, larger, smarter and more successful than everyone else which they need to feel stable.  And because of that and just as Hamlet’s mother said, “the lady doth protest too much,” “the narcissist doth brag, scorn, talk down, primp and belittle too much” in order to continually prove to the world and themselves that they are larger than life.  This is not to increase their self-esteem as much as it is to continually spackle the holes in their core that lead to a feeling of instability that if not spackled will lead to brittleness and then fragmentation.

Narcissistic rage occurs when that instability at their core is threatened and furthermore threatened to destabilize them even further.  Not unlike a wounded animal being the most vicious (because they think the next wound would kill them), narcissistic rage occurs when narcissists believe the next insult/assault to their grandiose based stability would shatter them.

In essence the reason narcissists are so self-centered is that their grandiosity based center needs to be constantly reinforced to remain stable.

What to do when a narcissist rages at you?

Don’t let them cross over the line to physical violence, but if it looks like they will follow you to keep verbally assaulting you and then maybe escalate, just listen to them until they sputter out.  Don’t try to engage them verbally.

After they calm down or better the next day, say to them: “I didn’t want to say this when you were yelling at or being sullen with at me, but going forward the next time you get so angry at me and verbally yell at me, speak contemptuously or act sullen, I will say once, ‘Please speak to me or act in a respectful manner,’ and if that doesn’t stop you, I will walk away and go to some other part of the house, office, company.  Following that conversation, if it happens again, I will simply walk away saying, ‘I have other things to do.’ This is not an ultimatum, but just a heads up of what I will do if those exchanges happen again”  (please modify as you see fit to sound more like your words, but I hope you get the idea).

One of the takeaways from this is that “words sometimes respond to words, but actions (which narcissistic rage is) respond to actions in the form of consequences.”  The challenge is to make your action response just right and not go to overkill which you will have to take back or underkill which will only allow them to keep raging at you.

The more important takeaway is to weigh what such people bring to your life and if what they take from it and inflict on you is much more, get out.

* Regarding Steve Jobs and why he seemed to have gotten away with being such a rageaholic is that his perfectionism about products was more about, “This is great… see for yourself” vs. “I am great.”  And with regard to Apple products’ ability to delight, seeing has been believing.  With regard to Gingrich and O’Reilly, neither of them have a tangible product, they have an intangible and highly reactive point of view, where there’s nothing to see to believe.

** There are other less rageful narcissists who rather than raging, will act out in usually devious ways to get what they feel are entitled when denied it in their real life.

I don’t know how often this occurs, but there is a not infrequent situation where a man is sure about wanting sex and may wax and wane eloquently about a wondrous future filled with romantic vacations to a woman he is pursuing in order to land her in bed. Once he has her, those promises can often fade and if the woman asks about his fulfilling what he promised, he accuses her of pressuring him and tells her to stop nagging. To compound the problem there are few things that take away a man’s desire to spend his life with a woman than her pressuring him to make good on what he promised.

However even as he resists and can become petulant about it, he may nevertheless be building an emotional dependency on her underneath. If she reaches the point, especially after her friends and family insist that he is toying with her, of delivering an ultimatum of either get engaged/married or break up and if it is not a bluff, the fear of losing her can cause that man to accede to her insistence for all the wrong reasons — not wanting to lose her vs. wanting to be with her.

Also not infrequently if the man under pressure agrees to the marriage, but feels he didn’t choose it, he can respond by withholding love and attention. And if the woman is oblivious as she becomes consumed with planning the wedding with her friends and family while the man feels like a unengaged Ken doll onlooker, he can further react by becoming even less loving.

Sadly I have seen such a switching off of desire last for decades in the man as a reaction to feeling he didn’t choose the marriage but was forced even as the couple produces children, buys a homes, etc.

Here is the real rub.  One of the worst feelings a woman can have is to feel coldness, contempt or nothing in the part of her where she is supposed to feel warmth.  Women have confided in me that a woman without warmth is not a woman (alternatively men have confided in me that a man without courage is not a man).  When men withdraw or withhold caring towards a woman or worse act sullen, petulant or complaining (since they have lost that loving feeling), it can cause a woman to lose her warm feelings towards that man.  And underneath the anger a woman may feel toward a non-loving or unloving man is an unconscious fear that she has lost her warmth, is no longer a woman and is trapped.

What’s a woman to do to prevent this very sad fate?

At any given moment when the man’s desire is waning you can tell him he is “free to leave” and that you don’t want to be with him unless he wants to be with you. Ironically, if you do that, the men worth keeping may then rediscover their desire. In fact a woman who is wise enough to never let the man feel so sure of her may have a man always desiring her. We call this being coy and it is not game playing, but rather knowing that a man feels better when he is pursuing a prize than when he is being told to do something.

What’s a man to do if he has lost that loving feeling because she “pressured” him to get married?

Realize that she didn’t put a gun to your head.  You’re the one who made the promises that you didn’t intend on keeping or did until you realized that it meant living up to a lot of responsibilities, which may have intimidated you.  Instead of pulling away and emotionally disengaging for  years or even the entirety of your marriage, tell your girl friend/fiance that the fear of not living up to those responsibilities mixed with her excitement about getting married and planning the wedding is very upsetting.  That will hopefully give her the opportunity to say to you, “I understand that and I think we can figure out and meet those responsibilities together. If you don’t want to get married or if you can’t decide until that fear goes away, I don’t think it will.  However I think every couple and every husband to be goes through this, but at least we’re talking about it.”  Just that understanding can cause you to realize why you love and want to marry to her.

I remember years ago a very touching scene when a woman was by the bed of her dying husband after being married for sixty years. In an unforgettable moment she whispered to him, “I’ve been lying to you for over sixty years.”

Half conscious he looked confused and said, “What?” whereupon she said, “Yes, for our entire life together, I’ve been mad about you and sexually crazy about you, but I never told you, because I knew you liked the chase.”

At that point he reached over to her and smiled weakly and said, “That’s one of the things I loved you for.”

- Mark Goulston, M.D.

The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again …and Stay There (Perigee, $15.95)

How often do you and your partner put a smile on each other’s face that touched each other’s heart? If that happens almost always, congratulations, go out in the world and serve as a role model and beacon of hope to other less happy couples.  If that doesn’t happen take the following quiz and then learn how to bring it back.

To find out what your scoring means and how to use this quiz with your partner to bring back liking (and adoring) each other that you once felt contact drgoulston@gmail.com.

And… if you like each other, but your sex life is kaput check out: Are You More Roommates than Lovers?

Yeller – someone who absolutely refuses to take, “No,” for an answer and woe be it to those who attempt to say it to them.

Why is it that a complainer will rarely complain to another complainer? First, complainers think that if they complain to another complainer that that other person will just complain or make an excuse about why they can’t help. Second, complainers perceive themselves as weak and perceive other complainers as weak and therefore don’t see that another complainer has anything to give them.

Instead complainers will usually complain to yellers. Why? Because complainers perceive yellers to be strong, powerful and having something to give them. They also believe that that strong person will either intervene on the complainer’s behalf, take care of something for them or let the complainer off the hook. The real problem that complainers don’t realize is that yellers are often not strong, they’re just angry.

What’s the solution for you in dealing with a complainer or yeller? First, don’t expect them not to react in a negative way (by complaining or yelling) if you want something from them that they don’t want to do or give. Second, after they complain or yell at you for something, calmly pause for at least ten seconds. That will drive them crazy, but rather than being frightened by them, see that as a temper tantrum at not being able to manipulate you.

If they do escalate and complain or yell louder about why you’re saying nothing respond by saying, “I’m just trying to figure out what you’re so frustrated about and what we and most likely you can do to make the situation better.”

There is a good chance they won’t like your saying “we” or “you” to them, when what they really wanted was for you to take care of the situation by yourself. If that is the case, they may become even more upset. But if you notice carefully, you will begin to see that they are more frustrated than angry, because they know you have caught them, refused to be manipulated and they don’t have a back up plan.

If they do throw the situation back at you to fix or say they can’t do anything to make their problem better, calmly respond, “Sorry to hear that, because I certainly don’t have any room on my plate to take care of this for you, so we’ll either have to figure out a way for you to handle it or you will have to figure that out by yourself and then handle it on your own.”

If they continue to dig their heels in or even attack you, calmly respond, “Look, I’m sorry you feel that way, but it doesn’t change anything. Either we figure out what you need to do to make it better or you will need to figure it out and handle it on your own.”

If they still refuse to cooperate with that (i.e. their last ditch effort to manipulate you) and even threaten to do something harmful to themselves, tell them, “Well I hope you won’t do that.” If they threaten to do something to someone or something else, say, “If that’s the case I’ll have to deal with that appropriately.” If they threaten to do nothing, say, “If you do nothing when it is your responsibility and it blows up or turns negative, you’ll have to deal with it or pay the consequences. I’m sorry if you don’t like that, but it’s what all of us have to do when we are responsible for something.”

By the way, you might wonder why yellers don’t yell at other yellers. It occasionally does happen as shown in the iconic movie, The War of the Roses, but as that film demonstrates, left unchecked yelling vs. yelling begets violence and sometimes murder.

- Mark Goulston, M.D.

In another blog I wrote about relationships ending not because you stop loving each other, but because you stop liking each other.  Several people told me that might be fine for older couples, but for younger couples who like each other, intimate relationships can end when you stop feeling sexual excitement and start feeling like roommates or brother and sister.

Point well taken. So to check out where the Sexual Excitement stands take the  quiz.

To find out what your scoring means and how to use this quiz with your partner to bring back your sexual excitement that you once had contact drgoulston@gmail.com.

Oprah: For all those couples out there who are having problems or going the first time around and want to avoid some of the disasters that we’ve heard about today, what’s the number one thing they can do today to turn things around in their relationship?

Dr. Mark: Be yourself as soon as possible in the relationship and get your spouse to be themselves, because why would you want to be with anyone who doesn’t like you for you?

Oprah: Yeah (surprised), and oy, we like that!

Watch video/audio clip for more

Look into the eyes of the person you love, but have problems with.  When you initially look, what you might see is:

• Their resentment
• Their stubbornness
• Their sullenness
• Their being shut down
• Their being closed off
• Their being passive aggressive

And how do those make you feel?  Probably makes you feel (and also look) resentful, stubborn, frustrated, exasperated, angry and/or hurt. And how does feeling any of those make you look to them? Probably impatient, ticked off or about to pounce on them.

Keep looking and now look to see:

• Their fear of you and your disappointment in them
• Their need to prove to you that they are not bad or wrong about everything they do
• Their need to show you that they are not bad or wrong about everything they do
• Their need to look for a way to protect themselves from your feeling judgmental, disdainful and dismissive towards them
• Their need to hide anything that would make you further upset with them

In other words look to see that they are not being stubborn, resistant or rebellious, but rather they are locked in a state of nonrational (i.e. not based on current situation, but reacting based on prior interactions with you or even someone from their distant past), nonfunctional (i.e. if locked in that way of reacting, they are unable to move the current conversation in a productive direction), self-preservation (i.e. they may feel that you believe their thoughts, feelings and actions, a.k.a. their “self” is wrong, stupid and they need to change all of them).

Why do this exercise?

Because if you realize that where they are truly coming from is a place of nonrational, nonfunctional, self-preservation instead of stubborn, rebellious resistance, you will instantly (and transformationally) be able to speak with them instead of at or over them.

An analogy would be imagine you walked out to your car and saw a young man peeing on the side of it.  You would be angry, belligerent and want to yell at them.  But then imagine that when you yelled out, “Hey!” they turned around and you saw that they were severely mentally impaired and didn’t know what they were doing, you would immediately change your tone.

Looking at people in this empathic, caring way is simple in that all it takes is looking at people through the eyes of love.  However it is not easy for those people that are “loving challenged,” because to them “love” is only a noun and something to receive, and not in the best sense of that word, a verb and something to give.