There are all sorts of disagreements regarding people like Steve Jobs*, Newt Gingrich and Bill O’Reilly, but one thing most people are in agreement about is that you don’t want to get on the wrong side of them.

Other characteristic traits of such narcissists** (and this also applies to the female variety) include:

• Control freaks
• Irritability
• Short fuses
• Low frustration tolerance
• Argumentative
• Need to have the last word
• Unable to lose
• Won’t take “No” for an answer
  
• Quick to anger if you don’t accommodate them
• Quick to being aggressively defensive if you call them on any deficiency, fault or responsibility
• Can’t apologize or if do, can’t do it sincerely
• Rarely say, “Thank you” or “Congratulations”
• Don’t feel or demonstrate remorse
• Feel entitled to enthusiastic and appreciative approval, adoration, agreement and obedience
• Gloat in victory, sullen in defeat
• Quick to rage if you humiliate them

What is the connection between narcissism and rage?

There is a saying that when you’re a hammer the world looks like a nail.  When you’re a narcissist, the world looks like it should approve, adore, agree and obey you. Anything less than that feels like an assault and because of that causes a narcissist to feel justified in raging back at it.

What is at the core of narcissists is not what is often referred to as low self-esteem.  I don’t think that is accurate, but something that the people around them say to themselves to mollify their own rage at the narcissist, i.e. “Oh, they only act that way, because they lack self-esteem.”

What is really at the core of narcissists is an instability in their ability to feel and sustain feeling bigger, larger, smarter and more successful than everyone else which they need to feel stable.  And because of that and just as Hamlet’s mother said, “the lady doth protest too much,” “the narcissist doth brag, scorn, talk down, primp and belittle too much” in order to continually prove to the world and themselves that they are larger than life.  This is not to increase their self-esteem as much as it is to continually spackle the holes in their core that lead to a feeling of instability that if not spackled will lead to brittleness and then fragmentation.

Narcissistic rage occurs when that instability at their core is threatened and furthermore threatened to destabilize them even further.  Not unlike a wounded animal being the most vicious (because they think the next wound would kill them), narcissistic rage occurs when narcissists believe the next insult/assault to their grandiose based stability would shatter them.

In essence the reason narcissists are so self-centered is that their grandiosity based center needs to be constantly reinforced to remain stable.

What to do when a narcissist rages at you?

Don’t let them cross over the line to physical violence, but if it looks like they will follow you to keep verbally assaulting you and then maybe escalate, just listen to them until they sputter out.  Don’t try to engage them verbally.

After they calm down or better the next day, say to them: “I didn’t want to say this when you were yelling at or being sullen with at me, but going forward the next time you get so angry at me and verbally yell at me, speak contemptuously or act sullen, I will say once, ‘Please speak to me or act in a respectful manner,’ and if that doesn’t stop you, I will walk away and go to some other part of the house, office, company.  Following that conversation, if it happens again, I will simply walk away saying, ‘I have other things to do.’ This is not an ultimatum, but just a heads up of what I will do if those exchanges happen again”  (please modify as you see fit to sound more like your words, but I hope you get the idea).

One of the takeaways from this is that “words sometimes respond to words, but actions (which narcissistic rage is) respond to actions in the form of consequences.”  The challenge is to make your action response just right and not go to overkill which you will have to take back or underkill which will only allow them to keep raging at you.

The more important takeaway is to weigh what such people bring to your life and if what they take from it and inflict on you is much more, get out.

* Regarding Steve Jobs and why he seemed to have gotten away with being such a rageaholic is that his perfectionism about products was more about, “This is great… see for yourself” vs. “I am great.”  And with regard to Apple products’ ability to delight, seeing has been believing.  With regard to Gingrich and O’Reilly, neither of them have a tangible product, they have an intangible and highly reactive point of view, where there’s nothing to see to believe.

** There are other less rageful narcissists who rather than raging, will act out in usually devious ways to get what they feel are entitled when denied it in their real life.

As appearing in the January 29, 2012 Sunday Los Angeles Times Business Section:

Simply put, a new Apple product triggers in its customers:

• Excitement – this is the “Wow! Can you believe this!!” experience of an adrenaline rush
• Delight – this is the “Unbelievably cool!” experience of a dopamine burst
• Enjoyment – this is the “I just love this!” experience of endorphin flow
• Satisfaction – this is the “Look at the ease vs. frustration of doing so many things; I feel like the master of my universe” experience of elevated serotonin
• Bonded – this is the “Crazy or not, I feel attached to my Apple product and would be lost without it” experience of oxytocin connectedness

In essence Apple products bathe your nervous system with a gift that keeps on giving.

Why should any of this matter?

1. because when most people think of their day to day life, especially in these difficult, insecure times, few experience excitement, delight, enjoyment, satisfaction or deep connectedness to either a significant or lasting degree
2. because the crash off any of these experiences, especially off an adrenaline rush can be so upsetting, frustrating and painful that we will rush back to grab another toke from the Apple drug to avoid it
3. because if your product or service instead of producing the above reactions produces the opposite, i.e. Boredom instead of Excitement, Disappointment instead of Delight, Frustration instead of Enjoyment, Regret instead of Satisfaction, Disconnection vs. Connection, they will experience less of the above neurochemicals and hormones and it will widen the Mirror Neuron Gap (explanation further down).

What Apple (and facebook, Starbucks and Zappos) know and execute on is that customers are compelled much more by an experience than a result. Why is that important? Because when you experience something you feel alive; when you achieve a result, you have a momentary feeling of excitement, but then you’re off to seeking the next result (that is why pure adrenaline junkies who only know excitement or restless boredom are usually not very happy, satisfied or fulfilled).

Years ago, I did a workshop at a PromaxBDA convention that was high tech except for my standing room only no-tech presentation to more than 250 attendees on “Creating Gotta See It!”  PromaxBDA in the international association for entertainment professionals who are responsible for the trailers, ads, opening tv and movie sequence all designed to compel you to want to see more or what I referred to as “Gotta’ See It!”  This is the same experience behind, “Gotta Have It!” “Gotta Buy It!” “Gotta Tell Others About It.” Contrast that with the opposite reactions such as “Never mind,” “Nah, don’t think so,” “Pass” or “Yuck!”

The single hand out from that presentation is below.  In essence what it means is that every customer who has the internal experience on the left wants a product or service to transport them to the experience on the right.  In the example of a promo or trailer or title sequence, all of these should offer a viewer the promise of being transported from an experience on the left to the one on the right if they see the tv show or movie.  The same is true regarding your product or service.

That is what is referred to as the mirror neuron system.  Mirror neurons are a part of the brain that cause us to mirror what we see others doing and to even feel what they are feeling.  It is the part of our brain that causes us to yawn or smile when other people do it.  It is thought to be the area associated with imitation, learning and empathy and when not functioning is thought to be involved in autism and Asperger’s Syndrome.

The relevance of this is that when we mirror, care or conform to the needs of the world it builds up in us a reciprocal desire and even deep hunger to be mirrored in return.  I refer to this as a Mirror Neuron Gap (explained more fully in my book, “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone  which explains how deep and empathic listening narrows that gap and enables you to get through to anyone).

So if and when we are mirroring/conforming/catering to the emotional needs of others we unconsciously want others or the world to do the same in return.

If in our mirroring the world, we enable it and other people to feel excited/adrenaline rush, delighted/dopamine burst, enjoyment/endorphin flow, satisfaction/elevated serotonin, bonded/oxytocin connectedness at our expense, we are going to be very hungry for something that mirrors us and gives us back those experiences.

That is what Apple products do.

When you hit an obstacle in life and reach inside for inner strength to deal with it,
what do you come up with?

Since hitting that obstacle hurts, most people will resort to whatever will take the pain (fear, hurt or upset) away or at least reduce it.  We call that coping behavior.  If your coping behavior deals with the situation head on and comes up with a constructive solution, that upset can make you stronger and wiser.

Unfortunately that is not often the case.  Most people instead engage in coping behaviors such as procrastinating, saying “Yes” when you should say “No,” quitting too soon, giving into an addiction such as drinking, eating, spending, engaging in inappropriate sex, yelling, running away, making excuses all of which make you feel better for the moment.  Engaging in those behaviors only makes matters worse soon thereafter when you still have to deal with the upset, make up valuable lost time squandered on a self-defeating coping behavior, deal with the people you upset with your negative coping behavior and finally deal with your conscience for having given into it.

Despite even knowing what you each need to do in order to become more successful, your self-defeating behavior may often get in your way. There is almost no limit to the number of ways you can defeat yourself. I’ve written two books that cover 80 of them.

Human nature doesn’t exist, only animal nature
and the human potential to not give in to it.
Unknown

If you’ve read this far, you know that you or someone you know and care about gets in either your or their own way. What may be less clear is why they or you do it. Understanding how and why people in general, and you in particular, engage in self-defeating behavior will enable you to take that first step toward getting out of your own way.

Success: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back (Figure 1)

From your first breath to your last, you are stepping into the unknown. Your first baby step is daunting, yet exhilarating. The real challenge to your evolving personality occurs when you take that first step and fall down. To be successful throughout your life, you want to make sure you take two steps forward and one step back, instead of no steps forward or one step forward and two steps back.

Think of an infant taking his first step. He crawls, then stands holding onto a chair or his parent’s leg, and then ventures out into the world of homo-erectus. He steps away from any supports, balances precariously, and looks back at his parent (developmental psychologists refer to this stage with the French word, rapprochement, which means “looking back”). He feels reassured and ventures forth.

Sooner or later he falls and cries. One minute he felt like Superbaby; the next he found himself a helpless little creature. He turned out to be as fragile in the next moment as he felt powerful in the first. He looked back at his parent for reassurance (in other words, coaching–see far right column in Figure 2) that what he had experienced was a slip–it doesn’t mean he has fallen through the cracks and can’t get up and try again. Taking in his parent’s reassurance, he does get up and try again. This occurs over and over, until one day he is able to walk on his own.

When a child internalizes this new skill, a little piece of self-confidence develops and he integrates it into his evolving personality. As his personality develops into his own distinct identity, he becomes more and more an individual, and a confident one at that.

One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to
lose sight of shore for a very long time.
Andre Gide

This process continues all the way through life. Our personalities and identities are constantly evolving in this two-steps-forward, one-step-back dance of learning–falling, pausing, refueling, retooling, and retrying. Along the way, we make mistakes and learn from them; over time, we can develop perseverance, persistence, and effectiveness.

When you make forward progress, you feel vital, effective and empowered. You seek out opportunities to test your mettle in the world. The world is one giant opportunity and your oyster to explore and enjoy.

Self-Defeat: What Goes In, Comes Out (Figure 2)

So what happens to you when you defeat yourself? As a baby, if you take that first step into the unknown, go to take a second step, fall, look back, and your parents do not respond to you with encouragement, you become stalled. Worse, you may slide further back and regress. You feel tentative, ineffective, disempowered. You seek out any mitigating behaviors that give you relief from these feelings. You adopt so-called “quick fixes”–ways to cope that give you momentary relief from the trauma of falling from Superbaby to Powerless Baby. The problem is that quick fixes fix nothing, and actually hurt you in the long run.

What happens when Superbaby is criticized (and feels as if he has done something wrong), ignored (and feels alone in his helplessness), or coddled (and then feels confused when not coddled)? Superbaby’s reaction is fear, guilt, shame, anger and confusion. Negative messages about the meaning of what he’s experiencing begin playing in his head. He is suddenly knocked off the resilience track. He doesn’t have the self-confidence he needs to get up and try again on his own.

And instead of becoming effective, he seeks relief. Anything and everything he does in reaction to feeling “upset” triggers a negative coping reaction that works to make him feel better in the short run, but in the long run turns into a self-defeating behavior (SDB).

What’s done to children, they will do to society.
Karl Menninger

These behaviors waste time and squander his potential. Instead of seeing the world as a terrific place to explore, he views it as a terrifying place that can trip him up at every step. This causes him to stall in his life and his career. If he repeats these behaviors often enough, they become habits. Eventually they become internalized parts of his personality that are very resistant to change. That is why you must not become discouraged if you are not able to stop and overcome these self-defeating behaviors overnight. Becoming impatient with yourself is in itself self-defeating.

When you run into adversity in your adult life, the trick is to cut the endless playback loop of the old negative messages so that you can develop the inner strength and resolve to become effective in your life and work. This means replacing the abusive, critical, avoidant, neglectful, or overindulgent and authoritarian voice (columns one, two and three below) in your head with the voice of the supportive, authoritative role model, mentor or coach (column four).

So instead of hearing those negative voices from your past, you may want to conjure up the image and voice of that supportive person telling you to pause when you most feel like reacting or doing something impulsive. In my case, I brought to mind the image of Dean William McNary. Dean McNary, who passed away fifteen years ago, was an advocate for me during some difficult times I had in medical school. When I would run into stress and was about to do something foolish, I could see him in my mind’s eye making a Rabbinical shrug (despite his being an Irish Catholic) and saying to me in his Bostonian accent: “M-a-a-h-k, c’mon; take a deep breath and don’t do what you’re about to do. Let it go.”

If you can’t resist doing something you are likely to regret you may even engage in a conversation with that caring person in your head and tell them how much you want to react impulsively and let their steadfast caring say over and over again, “I understand that is what you want to do, but don‘t do that.”  If you do this repeatedly that person might be able to talk you down from Defcon 1 to Defcon 4.  At that point you can continue the conversation with them about what you should do.  Listen to them asking you, “Given this setback, what is the best outcome for you now?”  Then answer their question and then imagine them asking you, “What would be the steps to take to get there? What do you need to do first? Who could you call? What is your first step? Take it now.”

I believe that when someone has had a wonderful mentor or coach, conjuring them up in this way is the best way to use them and honor them and allow them to give you the gift that keeps on guiding.

Over the years I have internalized Mac’s voice as part of my personality, but on those occasions when I want to dip into the gratitude I feel towards Mac, I’ll still imagine his Rabbinical shrug and steadying voice keeping me in line.

You might want to do the same with the people who have helped you along the way. It will help you feel less alone, and fortify you when you’re battling those impulses that could derail you from your goals. In addition, you can enlist the help of a coach so that you can begin to internalize that supportive, authoritative voice. And ultimately, you’ll replace those self-defeating messages and behaviors with confidence, motivation and determination to succeed.

And… if you are wanting to become that fourth column coach/mentor/influence and want to give the gift the keeps on guiding, you’d do well to follow the advice of famed Boston Celtics Coach Red Auerbach when he was asked what was the secret to being a great coach.  The usually gruff Auerbach was seen to put down his signature cigar and answered: “You gotta’ love the bastards!”

Adapted from Get Out of Your Own Way at Work… and Help Others Do the Same (Perigee, $14.95)

I don’t know how often this occurs, but there is a not infrequent situation where a man is sure about wanting sex and may wax and wane eloquently about a wondrous future filled with romantic vacations to a woman he is pursuing in order to land her in bed. Once he has her, those promises can often fade and if the woman asks about his fulfilling what he promised, he accuses her of pressuring him and tells her to stop nagging. To compound the problem there are few things that take away a man’s desire to spend his life with a woman than her pressuring him to make good on what he promised.

However even as he resists and can become petulant about it, he may nevertheless be building an emotional dependency on her underneath. If she reaches the point, especially after her friends and family insist that he is toying with her, of delivering an ultimatum of either get engaged/married or break up and if it is not a bluff, the fear of losing her can cause that man to accede to her insistence for all the wrong reasons — not wanting to lose her vs. wanting to be with her.

Also not infrequently if the man under pressure agrees to the marriage, but feels he didn’t choose it, he can respond by withholding love and attention. And if the woman is oblivious as she becomes consumed with planning the wedding with her friends and family while the man feels like a unengaged Ken doll onlooker, he can further react by becoming even less loving.

Sadly I have seen such a switching off of desire last for decades in the man as a reaction to feeling he didn’t choose the marriage but was forced even as the couple produces children, buys a homes, etc.

Here is the real rub.  One of the worst feelings a woman can have is to feel coldness, contempt or nothing in the part of her where she is supposed to feel warmth.  Women have confided in me that a woman without warmth is not a woman (alternatively men have confided in me that a man without courage is not a man).  When men withdraw or withhold caring towards a woman or worse act sullen, petulant or complaining (since they have lost that loving feeling), it can cause a woman to lose her warm feelings towards that man.  And underneath the anger a woman may feel toward a non-loving or unloving man is an unconscious fear that she has lost her warmth, is no longer a woman and is trapped.

What’s a woman to do to prevent this very sad fate?

At any given moment when the man’s desire is waning you can tell him he is “free to leave” and that you don’t want to be with him unless he wants to be with you. Ironically, if you do that, the men worth keeping may then rediscover their desire. In fact a woman who is wise enough to never let the man feel so sure of her may have a man always desiring her. We call this being coy and it is not game playing, but rather knowing that a man feels better when he is pursuing a prize than when he is being told to do something.

What’s a man to do if he has lost that loving feeling because she “pressured” him to get married?

Realize that she didn’t put a gun to your head.  You’re the one who made the promises that you didn’t intend on keeping or did until you realized that it meant living up to a lot of responsibilities, which may have intimidated you.  Instead of pulling away and emotionally disengaging for  years or even the entirety of your marriage, tell your girl friend/fiance that the fear of not living up to those responsibilities mixed with her excitement about getting married and planning the wedding is very upsetting.  That will hopefully give her the opportunity to say to you, “I understand that and I think we can figure out and meet those responsibilities together. If you don’t want to get married or if you can’t decide until that fear goes away, I don’t think it will.  However I think every couple and every husband to be goes through this, but at least we’re talking about it.”  Just that understanding can cause you to realize why you love and want to marry to her.

I remember years ago a very touching scene when a woman was by the bed of her dying husband after being married for sixty years. In an unforgettable moment she whispered to him, “I’ve been lying to you for over sixty years.”

Half conscious he looked confused and said, “What?” whereupon she said, “Yes, for our entire life together, I’ve been mad about you and sexually crazy about you, but I never told you, because I knew you liked the chase.”

At that point he reached over to her and smiled weakly and said, “That’s one of the things I loved you for.”

- Mark Goulston, M.D.

The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again …and Stay There (Perigee, $15.95)

How often do you and your partner put a smile on each other’s face that touched each other’s heart? If that happens almost always, congratulations, go out in the world and serve as a role model and beacon of hope to other less happy couples.  If that doesn’t happen take the following quiz and then learn how to bring it back.

To find out what your scoring means and how to use this quiz with your partner to bring back liking (and adoring) each other that you once felt contact drgoulston@gmail.com.

And… if you like each other, but your sex life is kaput check out: Are You More Roommates than Lovers?