Years ago I was the creator of Recoupling Therapy where I helped divorced ex-spouses successfully get back together.  It caught national attention and landed me on Today, Oprah and in the N.Y. Times and Los Angeles Times.

I didn’t stay with it, because at the time a larger part of my practice was doing interventions with highly suicidal, violent and dying people and their problems seemed more life threatening (I currently do see couples who are separated, but have each decided to give their marriage one last try before they divorce.  I have called that: “Last Chance Marriage Fix”).

I learned many things from divorced couples, but one thing several of them said still stays with me and I think offers the best advice to couples who are thinking of becoming engaged.  They said that when you go through a divorce you see the other person at their absolute worst, whereas in a new relationship, you have yet to discover that.  If the other person’s absolute worst added to your owning up to how you caused problems in your ex-marriage don’t turn out to be too horrific that can give you a more realistic view of that relationship than of a new one that is still in a honeymoon period.

So here’s the tip before you give your heart to someone else.  Have at least three knock down (figuratively speaking), drag out arguments that you resolve completely.  Completely means that you express your upset and anger at the other, but each of you keep talking until you’re talking from your disappointment, hurt and even fear (that this is the beginning of pattern of unending ugliness between you) and then you both come up with a solution you both accept, agree and commit to so that another such argument doesn’t occur.

In truth there is a progression from: difference of opinion –> upset –> disagreement –> argument –> ultimatums.

The more mature a person is, the more they can allow and accept and respect another person having a different opinion without becoming upset and escalating it to a disagreement, or if they do have one, can stop things before it escalates into an argument.

The more immature a person, the more quickly does a difference of an opinion move into an argument and then ultimatums. That may explain why when an immature child doesn’t like what their parent or a friend is doing, they’re likely to say, “I hate you! You’re not my friend.” It may also explain why when immature adult aged couples have a difference of opinion they can quickly go to argument and then, “Fine, let’s just get divorced.”

The psychological reason for this involves a concept known as “object constancy.”  When you have object constancy it means that you are still able to maintain an emotional attachment to someone even after they have disappointed or hurt you.  You may not like the way it feels, but you still feel the attachment.  This is often something that is learned and a sign of emotional and psychological maturity.

Immature people and the majority of people with what are described as Personality Disorders, have poor object constancy, meaning that as soon as they feel disappointed, hurt or afraid they cut off their emotional and psychological attachment to the other person and often view them as the enemy.

How’s your Object Constancy?*

How deeply can you feel disappointed, frustrated and/or hurt by another person and still feel a connection to them?  The more deeply you can, the greater your object constancy, maturity and relationship worthiness.  The less you can tolerate feeling disappointed, frustrated and/or hurt by another person and not feel an attachment to them, the lesser your object constancy, maturity and relationship worthiness.

* “How to Grow a Thicker Skin Without Developing a Cold Heart” – In an upcoming blog learn how to become more mature in how you react and respond to a different opinion so that it not only doesn’t escalate, but serves to make you and the other person closer.

P.S. This is not bad advice to consider before you decide to sell your company or merge with, acquire or get acquired by another company. Don’t you agree?

A: You

Wouldn’t you agree?

Please share your comments below

• I’m going to give you until the count of three… 1… 2… 2 and a half… 2 and three quarters.
• I don’t care who started it, I said stop!
• I don’t have to explain myself. I said no.
• I can’t believe you can sleep in this filth!
• Am I talking to a brick wall?
• Are you deaf or something?
• As long as you live under my roof, you’ll do as I say.
• Call me when you get there, just so I know you’re okay.
• Did you brush your teeth?
• Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up?
• Don’t go out with a wet head, you’ll catch cold.
• Don’t sit too close to the television; it’ll ruin your eyes.
• Eat your vegetables; they’re good for you.
• Going to a party? Who’s going to be there?
• I didn’t ask who put it there; I said “Pick it up!”
• I hope someday you have children just like you.
• I’m doing this for your own good.
• I’m not your cleaning lady!
• Look at me when I’m talking to you.
• Money does NOT grow on trees.
• Put that down! You don’t know where it’s been!
• Watch your mouth!
• What did I say the FIRST time?
• What part of NO don’t you understand?
• When I was a little girl…
• When I was young we had respect for our elders!
• Who died and left you boss?
• Who taught you THAT? You didn’t learn that in this house!
• You can’t find it? Well, if you’d put things where they belonged, you wouldn’t have this problem.
• You won’t be happy until you break that, will you?
• Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home!
• Some day you will thank me for this. SMACK!!!
• If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all
• How can you have nothing to wear? Your closet is full of clothes!
• Don’t use that tone with me!

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. – Jewish Proverb

Home is where your Mom is. – Unknown

Sweater, n.:  garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.  ~Ambrose Bierce

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. – Robert Frost

 The first time you truly appreciate Mother’s Day will be the first time you spend it without one. -  Linda Poindexter

Women – too often don’t feel entitled to what they do deserve

Men – too often men feel entitled to what they don’t deserve

What’s behind this and why are so many women afraid to ask for what they want, need and deserve in the work place?

Neurochemistry

A big part of a women’s identity is tied to both her estrogen and oxytocin.  Her estrogen is what causes her to feel more feminine and her oxytocin is about what causes her to feel that connecting, nurturing and bonding are so important.

A big part of men’s identity is tied to both his testosterone and adrenaline.  His testosterone is what causes him to feel aggressive and his adrenaline is what causes him to feel powerful.

Both women and men are also frequently dopamine junkies where dopamine is what cause both of them to feel pleasure and even intense pleasure.

When women are coming from their estrogen/femininity and it succeeds in attracting men to bond with and cherish them, that releases a dopamine rush. When men are coming from their testosterone/male aggressiveness and it directs their adrenaline to fight (instead of flight) and they win something, that also releases a dopamine rush.

Pushing, asking and demanding are more in line with testosterone and adrenaline.

Giving and being given, caring and being cared about , loving and being loved are more in line with estrogen and oxcytocin.

Psychology

When a women asks or demands something at work (all bets are off at home) she is often perceived as a “b*tch” and at the very least as unfeminine, because those appears to be testosterone/adrenaline type behaviors.

Perhaps the greatest deterrent to asking for what they want, need and deserve is the fear that if they are perceived as the “b” word, they will be rejected by a man and then as the office buzz grows, by all the men in her office (as in, “She’s such a b*tch!”).  Rejection is the opposite of bonding and it is an affront to the oxytocin driven part of a woman’s identity.  That may explain why so many women don’t know how to behave in the office.  If they wait for the kindness and generosity of men, it usually doesn’t happen, because men tend to hoard power and feel that giving away anything diminishes it (that may explain why it is so difficult for men to say, “Thank you” or “Congratulations” and even more hard to say sincerely, “I’m sorry”).  On the other hand if women push for what they want they risk both: a) not receiving it which can make an already awkward situation worse and b) men pulling back and away from them which causes their oxytocin driven identity to take more of a hit.

What’s a Woman to Do – Focus on the Future

One of my favorite people is executive coach extraordinaire, Marshall Goldsmith.  He is the creator of “feed forward coaching” because he knows that it is much less likely to cause trouble to focus on a future that people have not yet messed up, than to get into a “pissing match” rife with ‘he said/she said’ escalation about something that has already happened.

Example 1: Regarding asking for help on a project.

If you can, at the beginning of any project where you might need help (doesn’t that mean all projects?) down the road, say to your boss or peer, “Going forward, in the event I need your assistance in either providing me with direct help or supporting me in accessing it from somewhere else, what is the best way to get that from you?”  Don’t feel guilty. Just be quiet. Remember, you’re not asking for it now.

Then listen to whatever they say and respond, “This is really important for me to get clear, because you know how awkward asking for help can be, so I just want to be certain I heard what you said.  You said the best way to approach you in the future is (then say exactly what they said).  Is that correct?” Wait for them to give a confirmatory, “Yes,” which according to influence guru, Robert Cialdini, will deepen their commitment to doing it in the future.

Example 2: Regarding asking for more pay and/or a promotion

You can certainly discuss it when your review comes up, but if that is likely to cause real awkwardness and end poorly here is an alternative. Say to your boss, “Are any of those (raise, bonus or promotion) negotiable?”

If they say, “No,” retain your composure (even if you’re boiling inside and whatever you do, don’t cry, because it makes men nuts), pause and reply, “Just so I’ll know for future reference and future reviews for more pay, bonuses and promotions, help me to understand what you evaluate in order to arrive at those assessments.”  Then again, be quiet. If he becomes uptight say, “I’m not trying to be difficult I’m just trying to understand your criteria for giving a raise, bonus and/or promotion so that I can be sure to meet them so that next time, if raises, bonuses and promotions are being given, that I will be in the best position to receive one.”

 Also:

• Calling All Women Executives: Part 1 – How to Win (Male) Friends and Influence Everyone
• Calling All Women Executives: Part 2 – Be a Little More Paranoid
• Calling All Women Executives: Part 3 – Turn Off Your B.S. Detectors
• Calling All Women Executives: Part 4 – How to De-Fang a Bully

A: They exhale

Wouldn’t you agree?

Please share you comments below.

What’s up with that?

In a sentence, the final moments are the place where neurochemistry, phylogeny and hyperfocus meet.

Neurochemistry

Adrenaline (= Power), Testosterone (= Aggression), Dopamine (= Pleasure)

Most extreme athletes are adrenaline junkies.  Why? Because an adrenaline rush when focused makes you feel not just powerful, but superhuman.  Two things trigger adrenaline, either “fight or flight.” What causes Bryant, Paul, Nowitzki and Anthony to be great is that their inherent testosterone/highly competitive/aggressive nature always causes them to choose “fight” and then focuses that adrenaline rush to be able to execute at an amazing level.   And after they have, the dopamine surge of pleasure that follows is close to ecstacy.

Adrenaline + testosterone (causing them to focus and fight vs. run and flee) together are the body’s natural Adderral which is what enables people with A.D.D. to become calm, centered and focused.  As you may know many of the best athletes have A.D.D. which is not truly about an attention deficit, but is really about not paying attention to things they don’t want to such as understanding and being prudent about finances and listening with undivided attention to their spouses and children.

Phylogeny

Think of your brain as being composed of three brains (referred to as Triune Brain). The oldest is your lower/reptilian/fight or flight brain which is 245 million years old; the next oldest is your middle/mammalian/emotional brain which is 65 million years old; and the relative newcomer is your upper/human/thinking brain which is about 200,000 years old.

The more impulsive, unfocused and scattered (a.k.a. scatterbrain) a person is, the more loosely configured are each of these three brains to each other and the more poorly they work together in unison.  In fact under stress they almost seem to function separately in such people which may explain how chaotic these people seem to act.  Think of such people as a rickety old pick up truck that feels like it will fall apart at any moment.

Hyperfocus

On the other hand, the more tightly these three brains are configured and aligned to each other aimed towards a singular purpose, the more focused, centered, determined and formidable these people are.  Think of such people as a Turbo Porsche that grabs and almost controls the road no matter how it bends and curves.

An analogy to better understand this is to think of how young military recruits enter basic training.  They may be filled with “piss and vinegar,” but their focus and minds are often all over the place.  However, then they are broken down and built back up into a force that can defeat and kill a fearsome enemy.  To do that, their thinking upper brains, feeling middle brains, and acting lower brains become almost arc welded to each other and the result is a warrior.

The problem for soldiers and many extreme athletes (are YOU listening O.J.?) is that without a life or death or high stakes situation, all that adrenaline/testosterone/dopamine has nowhere to go and nowhere to blow.  Without a war or a game with everything on the line, there isn’t sufficient at stake to trigger that adrenaline rush which them enrolls the testosterone to generate dopamine pleasure.

This may explain why so many extreme athletes and power players (“are you listening Tiger, Bill Clinton, John Edwards?”) do outrageous things outside of their sport or job.  Why? Because the thrill of an adrenaline rush is often exceeded by the agony of an adrenaline crash.  And when you do things that are dangerous, forbidden, risky and even foolish, that triggers an outpouring of adrenaline and another rush, which offsets the listless, irritable feelings these people have when coming off an adrenaline induced dopamine high.

But put them in overtime and it is a sight to behold (that triggers a dopamine surge in viewers which may explain why we keep watching replays of those moments).

Greg Gumbel once asked hockey’s greatest player, Wayne Gretzky, “What is it like to be in overtime of the deciding game of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, knowing that there are 10 seconds left and that the puck will be passed to you?”

Wayne flashed that huge, delighted (and no doubt dopamine filled) grin and responded: “I live the whole season for that moment.”

(Click twice s-l-o-w-l-y on image below to expand)

Twenty years ago a man from a primitive tribe in South America came to New York City and was asked, “What do you think?”

He replied, “They don’t see the sky.”

He recently returned and was asked the same question.

This time he replied, “They don’t even see each other.”

Transactional myopia, i.e. get the deal, do the deal, next deal, may bring you fun and excitement, but it will never make you happy or bring you joy.

How important are the presence of the following in your life to your feeling happy?

Little = 1; Somewhat = 2; Very = 3

1. Warmth*
2. Tenderness
3. Lovingness
4. Caring
5. Kindness
6. Acceptance
7. Generosity
8. Patience
9. Satisfaction
10. Fulfillment
11. Meaningfulness
12. Joy

How present are the above in in your life?

Little = 1; Somewhat = 2; Very = 3

If there is a gap, when are you going to begin to close it?

Why not talk to the people closest to you about the first steps you and they should take to do that?

If you are willing, share your two scores in the comments section or email them to me at: mgoulston@markgoulston.com

Also:

* Huffington Post: Human Cooling, Global Warming and Childhood Obesity

And now for your viewing and listening pleasure:

Being a successful Founder doesn’t necessarily a successful CEO make.  If after going through multiple vetted, seasoned, executives who come and go, the only thng all of them had in common beside their not working out is the founder.  It is very difficult for many founders to realize this because they are usually incredibly smart and things are incredibly clear at the moment in their heads.  But smart and clear at the moment in their heads although great qualities also do not a CEO make.  Jeff Immelt, CEO of GE, offered a great piece of advice when he said to do your job as if you’ll be doing it all your life.  Stay focused, become excellent at what you’re doing now, instead of continuing to jump to something that seems better for the moment.

Here are 10 signs that a Founder is not going to bring in a CEO to run the company while the Founder goes out to be its chief evangelist and strategic deal generator:

1. Poor Say/Do ratio: What they say about bringing in a CEO compared to what they do shows they’re not even close to taking action.
2. “Yes, but” every suggestion: They consistently point out why each possible candidate won’t work and insist the company doesn’t need one and that the problem lies with their team and not them.
3. Don’t initiate discussions about bringing in a CEO: Those who resist bringing in a CEO rarely initiate a discussion about stepping down, much less provide action steps with a time line.
4. People are afraid to bring up bringing in a CEO to them: These Founders are often domineering by nature, which intimidates key executives.  Why in the world would people risk annoying them?
5. Work is their life: They don’t have any hobbies or anything that produces the same adrenaline rush as the power they wield at work.  One Founder told me, “When you go from a somebody (a CEO who is in the game) to an anybody (just another Founder/Evangelist) it’s the same as being nobody. There is no middle ground between being in control or out of control and you know which one I’m sticking with.”
6. Work is their family: They are usually not capable of giving their undivided attention to their children and certainly not their spouse.  Work is their priority.
7. Won’t listen at work: They won’t listen to anyone who brings up need for a change at the top.  They throw the focus back onto the bottom line and challenge people about that and then often change topics and focus frequently.
8. Overcompensated: They are frequently overcompensated for the value they bring to the company.  These Founders often have a fear of losing their perks and their prestige if the company is turned over to others and if their compensation becomes open to scrutiny.
9. Increasingly more irritable: The more they realize that perhaps they aren’t entitled to what they’re paid, the more irritable they become.
10. They have fearful aggression: The more fearful Founders are that their real value will be exposed, the more aggressive they become in order to protect themselves.

Such a person, especially if they are a domineering figure, can put their company at risk in a couple of ways.

First, promising employees will be tempted to go elsewhere.  If that happens, the company will be left with the less than stellar performers.

Second, if the Founder has done a great job of making people believe that the company needs them, others will lose confidence in themselves and in that state of mind be more vulnerable to being “beaten up” by the founder. So what should promising employees, who could be the future of the company, do?

They should confront the Founder with the following:

1. “How committed are you to bringing in an executive team that could make this company a success?”
2. “Please offer a plan of action that takes action on finding a CEO and that assigns role and responsibilities to people already here and a timeline.”
3. “If you are truly committed to finding a CEO, do I have your permission to seek out resources within and outside the firm to find such a person?”

If you are a Founder, what can you to do to make letting go of control more tolerable?

There are some great organizations including YPO, WPO, Vistage, Chief Executives Guild and Renaissance Executive Forums that can provide you with a group of peers who will be committed to you, have your backs and be candid with you.

Also check out: Can Your Company Succeed Once the Founder Leaves?