Years ago I was the creator of Recoupling Therapy where I helped divorced ex-spouses successfully get back together.  It caught national attention and landed me on Today, Oprah and in the N.Y. Times and Los Angeles Times.

I didn’t stay with it, because at the time a larger part of my practice was doing interventions with highly suicidal, violent and dying people and their problems seemed more life threatening (I currently do see couples who are separated, but have each decided to give their marriage one last try before they divorce.  I have called that: “Last Chance Marriage Fix”).

I learned many things from divorced couples, but one thing several of them said still stays with me and I think offers the best advice to couples who are thinking of becoming engaged.  They said that when you go through a divorce you see the other person at their absolute worst, whereas in a new relationship, you have yet to discover that.  If the other person’s absolute worst added to your owning up to how you caused problems in your ex-marriage don’t turn out to be too horrific that can give you a more realistic view of that relationship than of a new one that is still in a honeymoon period.

So here’s the tip before you give your heart to someone else.  Have at least three knock down (figuratively speaking), drag out arguments that you resolve completely.  Completely means that you express your upset and anger at the other, but each of you keep talking until you’re talking from your disappointment, hurt and even fear (that this is the beginning of pattern of unending ugliness between you) and then you both come up with a solution you both accept, agree and commit to so that another such argument doesn’t occur.

In truth there is a progression from: difference of opinion –> upset –> disagreement –> argument –> ultimatums.

The more mature a person is, the more they can allow and accept and respect another person having a different opinion without becoming upset and escalating it to a disagreement, or if they do have one, can stop things before it escalates into an argument.

The more immature a person, the more quickly does a difference of an opinion move into an argument and then ultimatums. That may explain why when an immature child doesn’t like what their parent or a friend is doing, they’re likely to say, “I hate you! You’re not my friend.” It may also explain why when immature adult aged couples have a difference of opinion they can quickly go to argument and then, “Fine, let’s just get divorced.”

The psychological reason for this involves a concept known as “object constancy.”  When you have object constancy it means that you are still able to maintain an emotional attachment to someone even after they have disappointed or hurt you.  You may not like the way it feels, but you still feel the attachment.  This is often something that is learned and a sign of emotional and psychological maturity.

Immature people and the majority of people with what are described as Personality Disorders, have poor object constancy, meaning that as soon as they feel disappointed, hurt or afraid they cut off their emotional and psychological attachment to the other person and often view them as the enemy.

How’s your Object Constancy?*

How deeply can you feel disappointed, frustrated and/or hurt by another person and still feel a connection to them?  The more deeply you can, the greater your object constancy, maturity and relationship worthiness.  The less you can tolerate feeling disappointed, frustrated and/or hurt by another person and not feel an attachment to them, the lesser your object constancy, maturity and relationship worthiness.

* “How to Grow a Thicker Skin Without Developing a Cold Heart” – In an upcoming blog learn how to become more mature in how you react and respond to a different opinion so that it not only doesn’t escalate, but serves to make you and the other person closer.

P.S. This is not bad advice to consider before you decide to sell your company or merge with, acquire or get acquired by another company. Don’t you agree?

• I’m going to give you until the count of three… 1… 2… 2 and a half… 2 and three quarters.
• I don’t care who started it, I said stop!
• I don’t have to explain myself. I said no.
• I can’t believe you can sleep in this filth!
• Am I talking to a brick wall?
• Are you deaf or something?
• As long as you live under my roof, you’ll do as I say.
• Call me when you get there, just so I know you’re okay.
• Did you brush your teeth?
• Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up?
• Don’t go out with a wet head, you’ll catch cold.
• Don’t sit too close to the television; it’ll ruin your eyes.
• Eat your vegetables; they’re good for you.
• Going to a party? Who’s going to be there?
• I didn’t ask who put it there; I said “Pick it up!”
• I hope someday you have children just like you.
• I’m doing this for your own good.
• I’m not your cleaning lady!
• Look at me when I’m talking to you.
• Money does NOT grow on trees.
• Put that down! You don’t know where it’s been!
• Watch your mouth!
• What did I say the FIRST time?
• What part of NO don’t you understand?
• When I was a little girl…
• When I was young we had respect for our elders!
• Who died and left you boss?
• Who taught you THAT? You didn’t learn that in this house!
• You can’t find it? Well, if you’d put things where they belonged, you wouldn’t have this problem.
• You won’t be happy until you break that, will you?
• Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home!
• Some day you will thank me for this. SMACK!!!
• If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all
• How can you have nothing to wear? Your closet is full of clothes!
• Don’t use that tone with me!

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. – Jewish Proverb

Home is where your Mom is. – Unknown

Sweater, n.:  garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.  ~Ambrose Bierce

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. – Robert Frost

 The first time you truly appreciate Mother’s Day will be the first time you spend it without one. -  Linda Poindexter

Why don’t parents say “No” to their children?

A matter of nurture

The Jungian concept of “shadow” refers to the unconscious forces from your past that still run you during stressful times and cause problems for you in your present life that you are not aware of.

If your parents said, “No,” too often to you and appeared to say it without rhyme or reason (i.e. “Because I said so!”) and if you resented it at the time and could not express it, there is a high likelihood that: a) you’re projecting onto your child the resentment at your being told, “No,” as a child  you don’t want them to feel it towards you; b) you’re saying, “Yes,” to them and projecting onto them how you would have felt so gratified and grateful if your parents had said yes to them, hoping they will feel that towards you.

Unfortunately, what happens more often is that your child rather than feeling grateful and appreciative for your saying, “Yes,” and not saying, “No,” begins to take that for granted and soon begins to feel entitled to it and becomes angry when you don’t do it.

A matter of nature

If you haven’t raised your children to take “No” for an answer, there is a high likelihood that when you start to do it, they will have a tantrum.

When that happens, their tantrum can trigger an amygdala hijack in you. Your amygdala is located in your middle brain and serves as an emotional sentinel.  When it becomes overloaded it can hijack you away from rational thought and instead throws into a reflex reaction based on prior reactions to similar stressors.

If your prior reaction to whining and tantruming was to become angry and hostile, there is the possibility of you becoming violent in your feelings.  At that point it’s not so much that you are afraid of hurting their feelings by saying, “No,” but that you are afraid you might literally hurt them if they begin to tantrum.  Such feelings can cause you to feel like an out of control and bad parent.

And that is when you might say, “Yes,” not just to appease them, but to quiet them so you don’t do something mean and cruel to them that could trigger intense guilt and shame in you.

Why parents need to say, “No”

Every time you don’t say, “No,” to your child and worse, sheer adversity is saying, “No,” to tens of millions of children their same age and those children are facing it, dealing with it, learning and becoming stronger from it.  And twenty years from now those children will be your child’s boss and will not tolerate your child for a second.

How to start saying, “No,” to your child

Don’t react when you are angry. Instead say, “No,” and give your child a time out and if you’re also angry, tell them you are doing that because you both need time to calm down.

After both of you calm down and if they are ten or older, focus on the future that neither of you have gotten into a confrontation about yet.

Say to them, “Going forward if and when I need to say, ‘No,’ to you what is the best way to do that so that you don’t become so angry which can make me so angry that I need to give you a time out? Also when I do it, do you want me to explain why I am saying, ‘No,’ or will that just make you angrier?”

Then when it occurs do exactly what they answered above. They may or may not care or remember the above conversation, but having a way to approach it will make you feel more in control and make it easier to stay calm.

Problem: Helicopter parents are usually driven by anxiety and not being able to leave anything to chance.  It’s usually something they learned from one of their parents.  As a result they are overly involved running their children’s lives.  Over time the child will either become angrily defiant because of an internal need to feel independent or if the parent is too much of a helicopter parent the child may lose initiative, because they may feel that whatever they come up with as in thinking or doing, their parent will always jump in and force their point of view on the child.  The sad thing is that the parent does not see themselves as controlling and intrusive, but as loving and caring. And if the parent does recognize that they may be, they usually don’t see it as important enough to change (usually because their anxiety overrides this).

Solution:  The more a parent trusts, believes and has confidence in their child’s decision making when they are away from the parent, the less controlling the parent needs to be.  To achieve that the parent should have conversations with their child when they are driving together (vs. face to face giving advice the child doesn’t want) such as: “How can you tell which kid in your class is likely to get into real trouble this year? And why?”  Then just listen to your child and don’t give advice.  Instead say, “Hmmm, that’s really interesting.”  Another question might be: “How can you tell the difference between a class at school that you can study for at the last minute and one that you need to stay on top of?” Again, respond to their answer with, “Hmmm.  Really! That’s interesting.”  In each of these cases you are helping your child develop judgment and improve their decision making skills.  When you see them doing that, you will become less anxious when you are away from them and less controlling.

Do you have any relatives or friends that ruin everyone’s time on Xmas day or New Year’s Eve and you can’t un-invite them? Do you feel guilty at wishing they’ll either have other plans or be too sick to come? Do you wish there was a way to paper train them so they don’t mess on everyone else’s good time?

Here is how using a little applied emotional intelligence can save the day. One thing most of these high-maintenance (easy to upset, difficult to please) people have in common is that they feel as if the world is not treating them well enough. In essence they don’t feel important or special enough in the world (usually because their awful personality has gotten in the way of success which they are bitter about).

This is where thinking ahead and using the “i” (as in “important”) word can do wonders.

Have the male of the house that is doing dinner or planning a New Year’s Eve party call these problem people 5 to 7 days ahead of time and say to them: “I’m calling to ask you a favor because you’re a very important part of our holiday gatherings (i.e. “because we haven’t figured out how to keep you from coming or shut you up”). Many of us don’t see or even talk to each other except for these holidays and you never know who’s really having a bad time with a terrible illness, a recent death, or some big financial problems. So these gathering can be very awkward and since you are such a consistent and important guest I was hoping you might be able to greet people when they come in, and help pull them out of their shell by asking them how they and their family are doing and about anything new that’s been going on with them.”

Having the male of the house do something so forward thinking and so gracious (it’s not that often that a man asks for help or directions) and also giving these people who feel so cheated by life the chance to feel important is not only quite flattering, it is disarming. The problem person is going to have trouble responding with his/her real modas operandi, i.e. “No thanks. I was planning on coming and ruining everyone’s time like I do every year.”

Then when Xmas dinner or New Year’s Eve occurs, this same male should greet that person at the door, touch them on the arm and say: “I hope I can count on you to help make people feel comfortable after they arrive.” Then add before they can respond, “Oh, excuse me. I have to go take care of some things.”

This may not stop a dyed in the wool jerk from spoiling Xmas day, but it may serve as a deterrent.

In the mean time, Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year… and next year, don’t invite them.

I am writing this on the heels of Thanksgiving and Black Friday in hopes of finding Americans in a more thankful and grateful frame of mind.

Now, of course, the challenge is how to keep that up because when we are feeling down it unfortunately doesn’t bring out the best in us.

“Why are Americans so unhappy?” is a question several Indians asked me on my recent trip to Mumbai, Bangalore and Delhi. I felt embarrassed by it in light of seeing the still-incredible amounts of poverty in India and yet seeing how happy people seemed compared to Americans.

I responded, “Americans may be unhappy because of all the financial insecurity since the awful financial problems began in late 2008.”

One of my hosts said, “With all due respect Dr. Mark, they were unhappy long before that. And add to that, they rarely seem calm or content. Most of our country has very little, but we still seem much happier and more content than your country. What is that about?”

I didn’t have an answer, but one came to me on my 27-hour journey back to Los Angeles. Many Americans seem to be addicted to more, sooner. That can lead to feeling that at any given time, no matter what they have, they always want more. And no matter how quickly they get it, they always want it sooner.

If you think that is too simplistic, how many Americans do you know that are happy, or even okay with having less, later?

It seems that India has been so used to having less for ever that they are able to appreciate having anything more than that. They also seem more patient, perhaps because they know that becoming impatient doesn’t help the process.

What is something that you and I as Americans can do to become a little happier even as we wait and hope for our financial situation to stabilize?

A few thoughts and situations come to my mind and I hope you will add in your comments suggestions that you can offer.

First, start every day thinking of 10 people you’re thankful and grateful for. It may be people who stood up for you against other people, stood by you during a crisis or stood up to you to prevent you from doing something stupid (think of all the sponsors in 12-Step Programs who came and took you to a meeting before you fell off the wagon). It may be people who saw good in you and potential in you that you couldn’t see or people who believed in you when you didn’t. On Thanksgiving, I received a wonderful email from the co-author of my next book which will be about the power of positive influence, Dr. John Ullmen. He wrote to say that he has recently gotten into the habit of each day thinking of 10 people he felt thankful to and told me that for several weeks I have always been on the list.

Talk about positive influence. That email from John influenced me to not only feel gratitude towards him for his comment and for doing the lion’s share of the details in writing that book (which we think you will all enjoy when it is published in fall 2012), it influenced me to write this blog entry.

Second, I think how much happiness is directly related to our perspective on the world and others and ourselves. One of the best examples I can remember about a perspective I try to keep is the day 20 years ago when two women in their late 70s came to see me separately on the same day. Both had arthritis.

The first was a rather vain woman whose fingers were moderately swollen. She had one too many plastic surgery procedures, was dressed to the nines and bemoaned how unsightly her swollen fingers looked and how she would now have to get her jewelry re-sized. It’s not up to me to judge my patients and I did my best to empathize with her and help her deal with her upset about her condition.

A few hours later a woman who was about the same age came in and was hunched over with severe arthritis, walking slowly with a cane. She reminded me a little of the witch in Snow White. But what stood out about her from the first woman and from the witch in the Disney classic was the radiant smile on her face. She not only seemed happy, she seemed glowing. The contrast between her and the prior woman was astounding.

It caused me to say to and ask her, “Excuse me, you look in a fair amount of pain and are walking with such difficulty. I need to know. Why such a beautiful smile?”

She looked at me with that smile radiating even more and said, “I was just thinking how great this cane is going to look when I am in a wheelchair in a few years.”

Talk about perspective, if all of us could look at our present through the eyes of our future and see our present glasses as well more than half full, perhaps that could put a smile on our faces that we could hold onto.

Finally, there was the story of Mr. Cohen. It was 4:30 in the afternoon and I had just finished doing an EKG on him. Unlike everyone else living at the Jewish Home for the Aged in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, Mr. Cohen was spry and totally alert for his 87 years. As a third- year medical student with much living (and learning) ahead of me, I couldn’t understand why he was staying in this place, which well appointed as it was still remained a last holding unit for people who were waiting to die.

I asked Mr. Cohen why he lived in such a depressing place when he was clearly doing so well. He looked at me with a patient, knowing look and explained: “Two floors below us is my wife, Emma. Three years ago, she developed Alzheimer’s disease and then had a stroke on top of that. On the very best of days, which don’t occur that often, I think she might recognize me. At all other times, she’s lost.”

He went on to tell me to me that Emma and he had fled the Russian revolution together, and that more than a few occasions she had saved his life. The couple made their way to America, started a tailoring business and raised a wonderful family. “I tell my family not to visit as much as they’d like,” he said, “because I want them to make sure they enjoy their families now and because their mom and I are doing fine.”

Each day, he would wake up, go downstairs to his wife’s room, bathe her, replace the diaper she now needed, put her into a sun dress, braid her hair, have breakfast with her and then read his newspapers and books as he sat beside her.

I didn’t get it. Why was he doing this with a woman who couldn’t even recognize him? “This poor man must be eaten up with guilt,” I thought.

I suggested, presumptuously, that Mr. Cohen’s guilt would not help his wife. The old man looked at me with an annoyed expression on his face and shook his head at my stupidity.

“Each day I get to go downstairs and give my wife dignity. That’s what she would do for me and want to do for me. You don’t understand, do you? This is where I want to be. Maybe someday you will understand.”

It’s been nearly 40 years ago since my visit with Mr. Cohen and I think I do finally understand. Instead of guilt, he felt joy in the presence of someone he had loved and been loved by for 60 years.

What are some suggestions from you or stories you can share for becoming more happy?

Children don’t listen to their parents, but they never fail to imitate them.

I recently spoke with Regina Pally, M.D., Co-Founder and Assistant Director of the Center for Reflective Parenting about how and where children learn to do what they do and beyond that to where they get their sense of security or insecurity.

Goulston: Regina, how and where do kids learn to do what they do?

Pally: Childhood is so much about learning. Kid’s brains are literally sponges for soaking up new information. But HOW they learn can often surprise and frustrate parents. Kids are phenomenal imitators. They are keen observers of what people are doing, and they are excellent at copying it. And in fact it turns out children learn much more by imitation than they do by instruction.

The easiest example of this that people can relate to is learning how to speak. Kids just pick it up. You don’t have to teach them vocabulary or grammar; They just absorb by imitation, the language they are exposed to.

So when it comes to learning other behaviors it is not much different. As imitators they are more likely to do what they observe than what they are taught. When parents say do what I say not what I do, it is a recipe for failure. Because kids do what the adults around them do, particularly their parents. It is a kind of osmosis so to speak, in which they soak in and internalize what others they care about are doing.

 This is the main way they learn how it is they are supposed “be” in the world- what the rules are at home, and at school, how they are supposed to get along with other people, and also how they are supposed to control their behaviors and how they are supposed to control and express their feelings, and even things like how they are supposed to work hard for what they want.

Goulston: So telling your kids what to do is not as effective as many parents would hope?

Pally: Parents should keep in mind its more ‘Do what I Do’, and less ‘do what I say’. And when I say Do, what I mean is how parents behave toward their child as well as with other people. Do they get easily frustrated with their child and impulsively lash out with hostility. Are they patient and listen carefully to what their child is feeling? Do they impose their power over the child or do they allow the child some autonomy in making decisions.

As much as parents wish they could teach kids how to behave simply by instruction….’Now listen to me young man, you can’t just go around the house yelling you have to think about other people in this house too.’…more often than not they will be more successful in getting their children to learn these important lessons by how they behave themselves.

Goulston: Can you give some specific examples?

Pally: If Dad does a lot of yelling himself, and gets easily frustrated when he does not get his way, it’s no surprise if his child acts that way. If Mom gets hyper-anxious when her child is frustrated or disappointed, the child will get hyper-anxious as well in the face of these strong emotions. A mom who is able to be a little calmer will be more likely to be able to help her child internalize calmness in the face of frustration and disappointment. I am not saying that parents have to do this perfectly. But when parents misbehave in ways they don’t want their kids to misbehave, I encourage them to at least be honest and apologize…because that is after all how they want their children to act when the child misbehaves.

Goulston:  That’s a good point about children imitating either parent, especially how that parent reacts to upsetting situations. I also remember from my psychiatric training how destructive it can be to a child’s development to live in a highly conflicted household. What are your thoughts about that?

Pally: You’re right about that.  Children learn how to act and react and even what to feel from watching what their parents do. And this can be particularly important when kids are watching how their parents handle conflict with each other.  Not only are they learning but it also affects their sense of well-being.

Goulston: What happens when a young child watches their mother and father having a difference of opinion and it escalates to a disagreement, an argument or worse (with either leveling hyperbole, screams, sullenness, “you never’s” and “you always” at each other)?

Pally: Kids in families with this kind of tension and unresolved conflict, feel anxious and insecure but end up learning this is how to deal with conflict.  These kids can then pass on to their kids this tendency to go from purely rational to explosively emotional within seconds.

Goulston: Can you describe what parents who deal with conflict act like?

Pally: A good example of healthy parents are those who respect and treat respectfully the differences in their spouse. And when they do have conflict and the emotions flare, they are able to finally talk it through and make sense of each other’s point of view.  Then they can see how reason (not to be confused with coldly, disdainfully and dismissively delivered logic) and emotion cooperate. This way that child is internalizing and then hard wiring into their brain how their own thinking and talking things through and their emotion will cooperate with each other. This is what some people would call the left brain and right brain working together in an integrated fashion.

Another example is a couple who shows mutual respect and valuing of their differences by suggesting their child go to their spouse if the other can provide what that child needs most. For example a father who is better at solutions than emotional comfort might say to an upset child, “I can see that what you want and need most now is someone to make you feel less upset and feel better.  Your mom is terrific at that.  Go talk to her to help you feel better.”  And alternatively, the mother who may be better at comforting than solutions might say to a child who needs a plan, “You know, your dad is terrific at figuring a way to deal with the situation and help you come up with what you should say or do to make it better.  Go to him and he’ll be great at helping you figure that out.”

When a young child sees parents respecting, appreciating and utilizing the different strengths in each other instead of shaming the child if they need something that each parent is bad at, it fosters a sense of security within the child.   Following that they will internalize it and turn to it unconsciously during times of conflict in their later life and know that things will turn out and that differences don’t make you wrong.  They just make you different.

Goulston: You’re preaching to the choir.  What about parents who think this is a bunch of hooey and then talk about how their parents argued and it wasn’t so bad?

Pally: Show me a parent who thinks this is a bunch of hooey and I’ll show you a parent who would rather be right than make a situation better.  And you’re right, those are the people we need to be speaking to.

Goulston: I don’t know if this would make the point, but many years ago during my training I remembered hearing about a study conducted at a psychoanalytic child study center in Philadelphia in which parents were interviewed and the researchers made some correlations between what the parents said and their disturbed children’s behavior in the playroom.  Since it was a psychoanalytically oriented center they asked parents about their dreams which the parents hadn’t told anyone about.  To their amazement they then discovered that some of these parents’ children were acting out the dreams in their play.  So if a parent had a dream about a plane crashing, their child was crashing planes in the play room.  What do you think that means?

Pally:  It means your children are always watching you and taking in not just what you say and do, but what you feel.  Kind of makes the hairs on your neck stand up, but it doesn’t surprise me. I can’t explain how it works, but we know kids feel and intuit somehow, even things that parents are completely unaware of feeling.

Goulston: And the takeaway from that?

Pally: If you want your children to feel good about themselves and life from their inside out, get yourself better from your inside out… and learn to handle conflict better.

Goulston: Thank you for helping us better understand how parents can raise their children be secure in anxious times by turning a conflicted home into a more loving one.

Pally: My pleasure, thank you. Maybe that’s why we used to refer to it as “home sweet home.”

Goulston: Amen.

These are the times that try everyone’s souls, addle people’s brains and agitate their minds.

There are two reasons they tell you to put on an oxygen mask on you before you put one on your children in an airplane. First, if you are unable to think clearly due to a drop in oxygen, you won’t be able to be much help to yourself or your child. Second, if you become anxious, it will cause your child who looks to you to be calm in a crisis to become more anxious.

This is just as true outside of an airplane.

Your main role as a parent to your children is to prepare them to do whatever they will need to do at age 18 (or sooner) in order to be secure, successful and happy. I use those words in that order because a secure and successful person is often happy while an insecure and unsuccessful person is rarely happy. In fact the only time such an insecure and unsuccessful person is happy is when they are escaping their insecurity or lack of success through alcohol, drugs, buying things they don’t need (and usually can’t afford), engaging in sexual escapes or sleeping that provide instant relief, but then cause them to be further behind their peers who handle such setbacks more effectively. After the escape wears off, being further behind their peers just increases their insecurity and lack of success and the cycle starts to rapidly go further downhill.

How do you teach a child to become centered, strong and effective in dealing with setbacks, obstacles so that they will be able to handle them on their own without you?

As mentioned above, the first thing is to learn to do this yourself. That requires learning to calm your brain. That will enable you to quiet your mind enough to think your way through to the best thing for you to do.

When you are faced with a setback, roadblock or disappointment it causes you to become upset by causing what’s referred to as an amygdala hijack. The amygdala is a part of your middle brain that serves as an emotional sentinel. When it gets overloaded, instead of being able to rationally assess the present situation it throws you back into a memory that is triggered by the present situation. That causes you to react to the present with something from the past that may not fit and in many cases makes the situation worse. For example, if you became defensive to a hostile comment in the past and misperceive constructive, helpful input in the present as an attack and become quickly defensive, that person in the present will quickly begin to realize that they can’t give you any input without your taking it the wrong way and they will stop trying to help you.

The Seven Step Pause*

When you most feel like reacting, what you need to do most is pause. When you pause to become more aware of what’s going on within you it calms you and enables you to begin to think and respond (vs. react) more effectively to the present situation. The following Seven Step Pause achieves that by causing you to thwart an amygdala hijack, calm your brain and then enable you to access your upper brain to respond to the present situation rationally based on it as opposed to reacting to it from something in your past.

1. Physical Awareness. When you’re feeling in distress after a setback or upsetting event, think to yourself, “I am physically feeling [what] in my [where in your body].” For example, “light headed and sick to my stomach.”
2. Emotional Awareness. “And emotionally I feel [angry? frustrated? scared? sad? disappointed? hurt? upset?] and how my [fill in the emotion you just named] is [name the level of intensity]. For example, “scared out of my wits and more scared than I can ever remember feeling in my life.”
3. Impulse Awareness. “And feeling [name the physical feeling] and [name the emotional feeling], and feeling it [name the level of intensity], makes me want to [name the impulse].” For example, “sitting down and doing nothing.”
4. Consequence Awareness. “If I act on that impulse, the most likely immediate consequence will be ____, and a longer-term consequence will be ____. For example, “I will probably feel even more out of control and even more hopeless.”
5. Reality Awareness. “While I am holding off (for now) on acting on that impulse, another possible and more accurate perception of what might really be going on is [seeing the world as it actually is can further help you not react to the way it isn't]. “For example, “my life being forever different doesn’t mean my life is over.”
6. Solution Awareness. “A better thing for me to do instead would be to [fill in an alternate behavior and what you need to do to achieve those outcomes]. For example, “learn to live with life being never the same again and to start by interacting with (vs. withdrawing) others, comforting each other, thinking together what we can do now vs. focusing on what we can’t and then have each person commit to doing something to achieve our desired outcome.” The best resource I have found for coming up with a solution when faced with a setback is: Workarounds That Work: How to Conquer Anything That Stands in Your Way at Work by Russell Bishop. Read about Bishop’s Five Steps to do that.
7. Benefit Awareness. “If I try that solution, the benefit to me immediately will be [fill in the immediate benefit]. For example, “I’ll begin to feel more in control and less helpless and even less hopeless.”

If you are a person for whom self-talk does not work (I am such a person), imagine doing the above exercise with someone who cares or cared about you (I imagine my deceased parents and deceased mentors going through the seven steps with me).

The Seven Step Pause will at first not seem natural. That is because you are learning a new skill to overcome your natural, but irrational reaction that is based on the past not the present. The stronger you resist them may be because your reactions to setbacks is so ingrained that you feel you can’t change. If that is so, ask yourself how well those ingrained reactions serve you now. If they serve you well, continue on. If they don’t and furthermore make a bad situation worse, you may want to start practicing the Seven Step Pause until they do become more natural.

More importantly, begin to practice them with your children whose minds may be more flexible and able to learn new skills now that will serve them well for a lifetime.

* Adapted from Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior by Mark Goulston, M.D. and Philip Goldberg.

Stay tuned for Part 2: Monkey See, Monkey Do where you will learn that your children are always watching you and using you as a role model of how to act and reinforcing the quote: “Children rarely listen to their parents, but never cease to imitate them.”

A significant percentage of men
who feel and act suicidal
and sadly commit suicide
either have been or about to be humiliated

Trey Pennington, a social media thought leader known to hundreds of thousands of people and someone who I followed on twitter, who followed me and even interviewed me about the importance of listening committed suicide this past Sunday at age 46.  He was a consummate and caring host and interviewer and had the ability to make you not only feel smarter and wiser than you are, he also make you feel worthwhile and deserving or even a blessing to be on this planet.

I only wish someone had listened to him (or that he allowed someone to listen to him to ease his torment) and helped him feel the same way so that he could still be among us.

Since I didn’t know him well, I don’t know how much of the following applies to Trey, but it certainly applies to many men I have seen over the years who felt suicidal.

From Vince Foster, to Mark Madoff to Enron’s Vice Chairman J. Clifford Baxter the infamous Bronco chase of O.J. Simpson, the news and the public’s fascination about suicide stops viewers and listeners in their tracks to find out more.  That is because such scenarios have touched something at the core of our humanity (or as you will discover, maybe something even below our humanity).

It may not be readily apparent to women (who commit suicide to get out of unendurable pain) why mere embarrassment should cause you to want to kill yourself.  After all it’s not the death of a child or a divorce which on the surface seem more understandable triggers for self destruction.

However to most men, it isn’t so surprising that extreme humiliation can cause suicidal thoughts and action.

Why is that?

What may be happening neurospsychologically is that the three parts of a man’s mind/brain i.e. his lower, reptilian, “fight or flight” brain; his middle, mammalian, emotional brain; his upper, human, rational brain have been rigidly wired together in service of a particular mission or goal (the soldier fighting a war and being willing to die for his fellow solider, for example).  But then when their current reality or their mission changes and calls for something entirely else that their rigidly wired mind/brain cannot adapt to (the soldier who in civilian life has to put up with people whining about trivial stuff and who only care about themselves), that situation eventually can push that person’s mind/brain to uncouple from the way it is hard wired.  And rather than feeling like merely an internal readjustment to a new reality, for some it can feel like a breakdown.

It’s simply this.  When as smart as you thought you were is as foolish as you turn out to be; when as powerful as you thought you were is as powerless as you turn out to be; when as much of a hero as you thought you were is as much of a villain or coward as you turn out to be, a man’s sense of himself begins to plummet and heads towards shattering.

A man without competence is useless and worthless;
A man without courage is not a man.
A man who is useless, worthless and not a man has no reason to live.

The anticipation of shattering and like Humpty Dumpty never coming back together again can be terrifying and terrorizing.  Therefore, while that man still has some control of his actions and before he completely loses control over his life, taking his life can be ironically an act of self-preservation (vs. self-fragmentation) even as he ends it.

What to do? 

Six steps that may help to talk a man out of suicidality (done in a very calm, reassuring, patient, let-him-talk-as-much-as-he-needs-to way):

1. “Tell me what happened.” This is essentially picking the scab off a deep psychological and emotional wound.  Regardless how out of control and incompetent the man feels, he can still usually report on events that led up to the current crisis.
2. “Tell me more.” This is opening up the pus under the scab.  After the man finishes telling you what happens, he anticipates that you will get into a debate or a discussion or try to have a dialogue with him, none of which he is ready to enter into. Because he is not finished telling his story* is why he will push back or interrupt you if you attempt to say or advise anything.  Instead, pick one of the things he told you in relating his story to you and say, “Tell me more about that.”  Showing more interest in his pain and furthermore wanting to relieve it by having him talk more about it is counterintuitive, not what he is expecting and counterintuitive.
3. “What’s really going on?” This is draining the pus in the wound.  When you ask this after you have patiently heard them out in 2 above, they will start to go deeper and say, “I really f–ked up” or “I blew it and now I’m screwed” or “I’ve destroyed my life forever.”
4. “And the way it makes you feel is ___________ ” leads to emotional exhaling (and putting some distance between him and his suicidal impulse). Invite them to fill in the word or offer examples such as: “worthless,” “hopeless,” “that life is pointless,” “that you can’t go on,” or “what exactly?”  After all the pus has been drained and when you ask and have them fill in the blank with an emotional word(s), they will further calm down. That is because according to UCLA researcher, Dr. Mathew Lieberman, when people attach and express the correct emotional word to what they are feeling it lowers the activation of a part of their emotional brain which results in their beginning to calm down (i.e. exhaling).
5. “At its worst, how bad does that get for you?” Again, by not prematurely cutting them off in their emotional exhale, and having them say something like, “It’s unbearable,” “Like I can’t go on,” or as one of my patients said with a (more relaxed smile), “Duh… I’m suicidal ain’t I?  How bad do you think it got to get me here?”
6. “And that’s why we need to come up with something to make it better, because you can’t tolerate another minute of feeling this way.  Is that correct?” You have now move the person away from their suicidality to a conversation and to hopefully cooperating with you to find another option besides killing themselves.

Re-pairing Des-pair

Despair or as I like to call it, des-pair, means feeling unpaired in a world it which it feels like everyone else is paired with a good job, a happy marriage, loving family, caring and hope and you’re not.  When the pain of feeling so unpaired becomes intolerable and that is when “pairing with death” as a way out and as a way to relieve intolerable pain becomes plausible.

The six steps above are a way of “re-pairing” with such an individual via empathy.  And when it is successful and they can pair with that kind of understanding and caring, they will no longer need to pair with death.

• Betrayal – The Wound that Will Not Heal for Women
• Catch Mark on Marketplace.org radio startion near you to discuss this and Financial PTSD from 9/9 – 9/11
• Learn to listen into the pain of the people you love and help them with “Just Listen”
• Check out Mark’s business site, Xtraordinary Outcomes