As appearing in the January 29, 2012 Sunday Los Angeles Times Business Section:

Simply put, a new Apple product triggers in its customers:

• Excitement – this is the “Wow! Can you believe this!!” experience of an adrenaline rush
• Delight – this is the “Unbelievably cool!” experience of a dopamine burst
• Enjoyment – this is the “I just love this!” experience of endorphin flow
• Satisfaction – this is the “Look at the ease vs. frustration of doing so many things; I feel like the master of my universe” experience of elevated serotonin
• Bonded – this is the “Crazy or not, I feel attached to my Apple product and would be lost without it” experience of oxytocin connectedness

In essence Apple products bathe your nervous system with a gift that keeps on giving.

Why should any of this matter?

1. because when most people think of their day to day life, especially in these difficult, insecure times, few experience excitement, delight, enjoyment, satisfaction or deep connectedness to either a significant or lasting degree
2. because the crash off any of these experiences, especially off an adrenaline rush can be so upsetting, frustrating and painful that we will rush back to grab another toke from the Apple drug to avoid it
3. because if your product or service instead of producing the above reactions produces the opposite, i.e. Boredom instead of Excitement, Disappointment instead of Delight, Frustration instead of Enjoyment, Regret instead of Satisfaction, Disconnection vs. Connection, they will experience less of the above neurochemicals and hormones and it will widen the Mirror Neuron Gap (explanation further down).

What Apple (and facebook, Starbucks and Zappos) know and execute on is that customers are compelled much more by an experience than a result. Why is that important? Because when you experience something you feel alive; when you achieve a result, you have a momentary feeling of excitement, but then you’re off to seeking the next result (that is why pure adrenaline junkies who only know excitement or restless boredom are usually not very happy, satisfied or fulfilled).

Years ago, I did a workshop at a PromaxBDA convention that was high tech except for my standing room only no-tech presentation to more than 250 attendees on “Creating Gotta See It!”  PromaxBDA in the international association for entertainment professionals who are responsible for the trailers, ads, opening tv and movie sequence all designed to compel you to want to see more or what I referred to as “Gotta’ See It!”  This is the same experience behind, “Gotta Have It!” “Gotta Buy It!” “Gotta Tell Others About It.” Contrast that with the opposite reactions such as “Never mind,” “Nah, don’t think so,” “Pass” or “Yuck!”

The single hand out from that presentation is below.  In essence what it means is that every customer who has the internal experience on the left wants a product or service to transport them to the experience on the right.  In the example of a promo or trailer or title sequence, all of these should offer a viewer the promise of being transported from an experience on the left to the one on the right if they see the tv show or movie.  The same is true regarding your product or service.

That is what is referred to as the mirror neuron system.  Mirror neurons are a part of the brain that cause us to mirror what we see others doing and to even feel what they are feeling.  It is the part of our brain that causes us to yawn or smile when other people do it.  It is thought to be the area associated with imitation, learning and empathy and when not functioning is thought to be involved in autism and Asperger’s Syndrome.

The relevance of this is that when we mirror, care or conform to the needs of the world it builds up in us a reciprocal desire and even deep hunger to be mirrored in return.  I refer to this as a Mirror Neuron Gap (explained more fully in my book, “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone  which explains how deep and empathic listening narrows that gap and enables you to get through to anyone).

So if and when we are mirroring/conforming/catering to the emotional needs of others we unconsciously want others or the world to do the same in return.

If in our mirroring the world, we enable it and other people to feel excited/adrenaline rush, delighted/dopamine burst, enjoyment/endorphin flow, satisfaction/elevated serotonin, bonded/oxytocin connectedness at our expense, we are going to be very hungry for something that mirrors us and gives us back those experiences.

That is what Apple products do.

When you hit an obstacle in life and reach inside for inner strength to deal with it,
what do you come up with?

Since hitting that obstacle hurts, most people will resort to whatever will take the pain (fear, hurt or upset) away or at least reduce it.  We call that coping behavior.  If your coping behavior deals with the situation head on and comes up with a constructive solution, that upset can make you stronger and wiser.

Unfortunately that is not often the case.  Most people instead engage in coping behaviors such as procrastinating, saying “Yes” when you should say “No,” quitting too soon, giving into an addiction such as drinking, eating, spending, engaging in inappropriate sex, yelling, running away, making excuses all of which make you feel better for the moment.  Engaging in those behaviors only makes matters worse soon thereafter when you still have to deal with the upset, make up valuable lost time squandered on a self-defeating coping behavior, deal with the people you upset with your negative coping behavior and finally deal with your conscience for having given into it.

Despite even knowing what you each need to do in order to become more successful, your self-defeating behavior may often get in your way. There is almost no limit to the number of ways you can defeat yourself. I’ve written two books that cover 80 of them.

Human nature doesn’t exist, only animal nature
and the human potential to not give in to it.
Unknown

If you’ve read this far, you know that you or someone you know and care about gets in either your or their own way. What may be less clear is why they or you do it. Understanding how and why people in general, and you in particular, engage in self-defeating behavior will enable you to take that first step toward getting out of your own way.

Success: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back (Figure 1)

From your first breath to your last, you are stepping into the unknown. Your first baby step is daunting, yet exhilarating. The real challenge to your evolving personality occurs when you take that first step and fall down. To be successful throughout your life, you want to make sure you take two steps forward and one step back, instead of no steps forward or one step forward and two steps back.

Think of an infant taking his first step. He crawls, then stands holding onto a chair or his parent’s leg, and then ventures out into the world of homo-erectus. He steps away from any supports, balances precariously, and looks back at his parent (developmental psychologists refer to this stage with the French word, rapprochement, which means “looking back”). He feels reassured and ventures forth.

Sooner or later he falls and cries. One minute he felt like Superbaby; the next he found himself a helpless little creature. He turned out to be as fragile in the next moment as he felt powerful in the first. He looked back at his parent for reassurance (in other words, coaching–see far right column in Figure 2) that what he had experienced was a slip–it doesn’t mean he has fallen through the cracks and can’t get up and try again. Taking in his parent’s reassurance, he does get up and try again. This occurs over and over, until one day he is able to walk on his own.

When a child internalizes this new skill, a little piece of self-confidence develops and he integrates it into his evolving personality. As his personality develops into his own distinct identity, he becomes more and more an individual, and a confident one at that.

One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to
lose sight of shore for a very long time.
Andre Gide

This process continues all the way through life. Our personalities and identities are constantly evolving in this two-steps-forward, one-step-back dance of learning–falling, pausing, refueling, retooling, and retrying. Along the way, we make mistakes and learn from them; over time, we can develop perseverance, persistence, and effectiveness.

When you make forward progress, you feel vital, effective and empowered. You seek out opportunities to test your mettle in the world. The world is one giant opportunity and your oyster to explore and enjoy.

Self-Defeat: What Goes In, Comes Out (Figure 2)

So what happens to you when you defeat yourself? As a baby, if you take that first step into the unknown, go to take a second step, fall, look back, and your parents do not respond to you with encouragement, you become stalled. Worse, you may slide further back and regress. You feel tentative, ineffective, disempowered. You seek out any mitigating behaviors that give you relief from these feelings. You adopt so-called “quick fixes”–ways to cope that give you momentary relief from the trauma of falling from Superbaby to Powerless Baby. The problem is that quick fixes fix nothing, and actually hurt you in the long run.

What happens when Superbaby is criticized (and feels as if he has done something wrong), ignored (and feels alone in his helplessness), or coddled (and then feels confused when not coddled)? Superbaby’s reaction is fear, guilt, shame, anger and confusion. Negative messages about the meaning of what he’s experiencing begin playing in his head. He is suddenly knocked off the resilience track. He doesn’t have the self-confidence he needs to get up and try again on his own.

And instead of becoming effective, he seeks relief. Anything and everything he does in reaction to feeling “upset” triggers a negative coping reaction that works to make him feel better in the short run, but in the long run turns into a self-defeating behavior (SDB).

What’s done to children, they will do to society.
Karl Menninger

These behaviors waste time and squander his potential. Instead of seeing the world as a terrific place to explore, he views it as a terrifying place that can trip him up at every step. This causes him to stall in his life and his career. If he repeats these behaviors often enough, they become habits. Eventually they become internalized parts of his personality that are very resistant to change. That is why you must not become discouraged if you are not able to stop and overcome these self-defeating behaviors overnight. Becoming impatient with yourself is in itself self-defeating.

When you run into adversity in your adult life, the trick is to cut the endless playback loop of the old negative messages so that you can develop the inner strength and resolve to become effective in your life and work. This means replacing the abusive, critical, avoidant, neglectful, or overindulgent and authoritarian voice (columns one, two and three below) in your head with the voice of the supportive, authoritative role model, mentor or coach (column four).

So instead of hearing those negative voices from your past, you may want to conjure up the image and voice of that supportive person telling you to pause when you most feel like reacting or doing something impulsive. In my case, I brought to mind the image of Dean William McNary. Dean McNary, who passed away fifteen years ago, was an advocate for me during some difficult times I had in medical school. When I would run into stress and was about to do something foolish, I could see him in my mind’s eye making a Rabbinical shrug (despite his being an Irish Catholic) and saying to me in his Bostonian accent: “M-a-a-h-k, c’mon; take a deep breath and don’t do what you’re about to do. Let it go.”

If you can’t resist doing something you are likely to regret you may even engage in a conversation with that caring person in your head and tell them how much you want to react impulsively and let their steadfast caring say over and over again, “I understand that is what you want to do, but don‘t do that.”  If you do this repeatedly that person might be able to talk you down from Defcon 1 to Defcon 4.  At that point you can continue the conversation with them about what you should do.  Listen to them asking you, “Given this setback, what is the best outcome for you now?”  Then answer their question and then imagine them asking you, “What would be the steps to take to get there? What do you need to do first? Who could you call? What is your first step? Take it now.”

I believe that when someone has had a wonderful mentor or coach, conjuring them up in this way is the best way to use them and honor them and allow them to give you the gift that keeps on guiding.

Over the years I have internalized Mac’s voice as part of my personality, but on those occasions when I want to dip into the gratitude I feel towards Mac, I’ll still imagine his Rabbinical shrug and steadying voice keeping me in line.

You might want to do the same with the people who have helped you along the way. It will help you feel less alone, and fortify you when you’re battling those impulses that could derail you from your goals. In addition, you can enlist the help of a coach so that you can begin to internalize that supportive, authoritative voice. And ultimately, you’ll replace those self-defeating messages and behaviors with confidence, motivation and determination to succeed.

And… if you are wanting to become that fourth column coach/mentor/influence and want to give the gift the keeps on guiding, you’d do well to follow the advice of famed Boston Celtics Coach Red Auerbach when he was asked what was the secret to being a great coach.  The usually gruff Auerbach was seen to put down his signature cigar and answered: “You gotta’ love the bastards!”

Adapted from Get Out of Your Own Way at Work… and Help Others Do the Same (Perigee, $14.95)

1. Be on time and prepared for meetings. That alone will make you shine like a star.
2. Turn in work ahead of schedule. Forget procrastination, get things done early.
3. Turn in work error free. I need to practice this one if you haven’t noticed that my columns invariably have some typo or grammatical errors.
4. Return email and voice mail the same business day (if only to acknowledge receipt of it with a message telling them when you’ll get back to them). Realize that even though many people procrastinate sending you a message, human nature is that they will often expect you to respond immediately.
5. Follow up with people, even if you have to do it more than once. Don’t just stop and think, “Well I called them back so I’m off the hook.” If they don’t get back to you, it’s not personal. Everyone is overloaded.
6. Never bring up a problem without coming up with a solution. And make it one that will make sense, feel right and be doable in your company’s corporate culture to your boss.
7. Never lie. People will forgive an honest mistake, but they won’t forgive or forget if you lie.
8. Sincerely congratulate others on their success. It is one of the best ways to counteract the jealousy and envy that can kill you.
9. Express compassion. Tell people you’re sorry when bad things happen to them. This is not to be confused with the empty, “I’m sorry,” excuse that you say after you mess up to try to get out of some punishment.
10. Smile more than you frown. Research shows you can’t hold a smile for more than ten seconds and be angry at the same time.
11. Be easier to please than you are to upset. Don’t be high maintenance.
12. Do what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it. Follow through means never having to say you’re sorry.
13. If you have a w-h-i-n-i-n-g voice (ask your friends), stop it. Nails on a chalkboard do not win friends or influence anyone.
14. If you have a strident voice (ask your friends), stop it. More chalk.
15. If you pout, stop it.
16. If you act sullen, stop it.
17. If you blame others, stop it.
18. If you make other people wrong, stop it.
19. If you make excuses, stop it.
20. If you cry too easily, stop it.

I am a founding member of the “dread going/glad I went” club for the socially shy.

I am also a Role Specific Extrovert. That means that when the occasion calls for me to be “out there” I strap on some courage and give it my best shot, but it doesn’t come naturally.

Despite all the writing, speaking and networking I do, I am quite shy. One of the reasons I push myself to be “out there” is that I think if I stopped all such activities for three months, I would revert back to the introvert that still lives within. And that is a part of my personality that I don’t want to control me.

Why am I confessing this? A couple reasons. First, the holidays are upon me (and you) and that means, putting on my game face a lot more often than usual. Second, I know that you feel exactly the same and I wanted you to know that you’re not alone.

I discovered years ago something that helped me that I hope will help you. I call it FTD Delivery*, but it’s not about flowers. I had this habit of going to parties and staring at the onion dip until it turned brown and then I would nag my wife for us to leave. Then one day I said to myself, “Enough of this cowardice, I am going to tonight’s party and by the end of it I will have spoken to three people I don’t know and they’ll be glad we met.”

By the end of the evening I had spoken to five people I didn’t know and three of them took my hand with both of their hands, looked me in the eye and said, “It was really great meeting you, perhaps we can follow up.”

After I left I asked myself what on Earth I had done.

Then I realized that I had followed the advice, “Be More Interested than Interesting” that I heard from my mentor and leadership guru Warren Bennis. I also know from Tell to Win author, Peter Guber, that when you ask people to tell you a story, which he calls “emotional transportation,” they relax and enjoy the experience and are often grateful to you for giving them the gift of your interest. Then I asked all of them three kinds of questions about those stories. The questions caused them to respond with either: “I felt this,” “I thought that,” “I did this.” Asking them questions which elicited such responses caused each of these people to feel I was interested in them (which I was), but more than that, they felt understood and even somewhat known by me.

Why was this so powerful in getting through to others and helping me overcome my shyness? Because our identities are essentially composed of what we feel, think and do (FTD). The sad fact of our lives is that it is becoming a rare experience to feel that people are interested in us, much less that anyone would take the time or make the effort to understood or get to know us. If you show interest in others (vs. just waiting your turn to talk), you’re giving people something they don’t get enough of. And when in return they show appreciation to you for it, your shyness spontaneously goes away except for the sweet awkwardness you might feel in their telling you how much they liked speaking to (and feeling understood by) you.

Become that person who is more interested in others than in being interesting and invite others to share their feelings, thoughts and actions and people will shake your hand and you too can overcome your shyness.

A final caveat and insight from business relationship guru and author of Never Eat Alone, Keith Ferrazzi who says, “When you’re alone at a party and feeling uncomfortable, you may give off vibes that say, ‘Stay away from me’ when what you’re really thinking is, ‘I’m just so uncomfortable, I don’t even know how to approach someone to have a conversation.’ So if you see someone who is alone at a gathering, realize that they also may not be telling you to stay away and leave them alone, but dealing with their social anxiety and shyness. Therefore go up to them and initiate the conversation. Who knows, you might be talking to the next Bill Gates (another person not known to be particularly comfortable with purely social interactions).

* FTD – source – “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

One of the causes of low self-esteem is feeling that despite sometimes appearing generous and acting generously towards the world deep you mainly care about yourself and are selfish, lack real goodness and therefore are not worthy or deserving of success or happiness.

How worthy are you?

Score the following with: 1 = rarely; 2 = sometimes; 3 = frequently

1. You raise and DON’T lower the self-esteem of others
2. You sustain an effort outside of your comfort zone to help others as much or even before yourself
3. You give the same effort to a fair decision that you disagree with as you do to something you agree with
4. You ask for help or assistance
5. You quickly and sincerely thank someone who has helped you.
6. You quickly offer help without the other person having to ask for it
7. You fully forgive and forget after you’ve been hurt and quickly move on
8. You quickly recognize and earnestly apologize for your failures of commission or omission to people you have let down
9. You enthusiastically and sincerely congratulate someone else on an achievement or good fortune
10. You give much more to the world than you take from it

10 – 16 = You’re not worth very much.  You feel much more entitled to things than you actually deserve.  You’re more of a taker than a giver and come from a feeling of scarcity.

17 – 24 = You are under the belly of the bell shaped curve with the majority people.  You could certainly improve, but you are also certainly a decent person.

25 – 30 = You are a class act.  People are fortunate to have you in their life and blessed to have you as a friend. You are an optimist, a giver and come from a feeling of abundance.

Now for the real challenge.  Ask people who care about you and want you to be the best you can be to candidly rate you.  And if it their rating is lower than yours, ask them to give you specific examples of where you can improve.  Then THANK them (because it’s gutsy for them to be candid) and ask them if you can check with them informally every month what they have observed and then to make further suggestions on how to improve even further.