To err is human,
to take full responsibility for it,
face and pay all the consequences,
is divine

We and Tiger Woods may never know why he did what he did? It’s unclear if we or Bill Clinton ever figured out why he did what he did or John Edwards or Eliot Spitzer or yadda, yadda, yadda…

But what is clear is the “rubbernecking” that this story is causing as if people are watching some roadside disaster. The attraction may be that the exposure of Tiger Woods immoral behavior, is causing waves of anxiety among the not-yet-caught men who are flirting with similar disasters and the women who love them. It has been a bad few days for denial.

I can imagine millions of men who have been cheating on their wives through prostitutes or mistresses or tip toeing into their dens and home offices to lose themselves in the world of pornography, scurrying around to erase phone numbers and delete computer files and swear to themselves that they will never engage in such behavior again.

I can also imagine these men looking more guilty than usual and raising the suspicions of their wives.

Finally I can imagine volatile confrontations taking place that are finally exposing marital infidelity of one form or another.

If such activities are exposed, can the damage be undone? Once trust is broken by betrayal, can it be regained?

There is a road back, but it takes practicing the 4 R’s to respond to the 4 H’s you triggered in the other person by betraying their trust.

The 4 H’s and the 4 R’s:

1. To ease the HURT you need to demonstrate REMORSE to show that you know you damaged something in them, by looking them directly in the eye and admitting you’re truly sorry, with no excuses (this is the stumbling block for very narcissistic people and something Bill Clinton had trouble with during the Monica situation)

2. To respond to the HATE you need to show RESTITUTION and offer a payback for what you took away from them by giving up something that matters to you or letting them verbally punch themselves out at you for making them feel crazy
while you lied to them

3. To lower their HESITATION TO TRUST you need to REHABILITATE yourself to let them see a new way of dealing with those situations that caused you to stray and that you actually prefer to your old destructive behavior

4. To get them to stop HOLDING ONTO A GRUDGE, you need to REQUEST FORGIVENESS after practicing those 3 R’s for a minimum of 6 months so they can become a part of your personality

If the other person is still unable to forgive you after that, you are no longer unforgivable (if you haven’t gone beyond betrayal into abuse), they are unforgiving.

It’s clear what is in it for you if they forgive you, but what’s in it for them? When you earnestly practice the 4 R’s above, you enable the person you injured to go from fear and loathing to feeling safe, trusting and even liking you again—and that feeling is called, “euphoria.”

*A full explanation of the 4 H’s and 4 R’s and how to use them to rebuild trust is available in The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again…and Stay There (Perigee) by Mark Goulston with Philip Goldberg.

Both narcissists and people with Asperger like features are goal minded to a fault, and both can view other people more as functions or vehicles to achieve that goal instead of as people with feelings.  However a critical difference between the two is that a narcissist doesn’t care if they hurt you or your feelings (and the truly malignant ones may even take delight in doing so), whereas someone with Asperger’s like features would prefer not to.

My advice to people who live with malignant narcissists is to get out and to those who live with narcissists to demand they get help or else you are going to painfully lonely and making excuses for them to friends, family and you children forever.

However if you live with someone with Asperger like features it’s a little more complicated.  For instance even though you may feel how they treat you is meant personally, if what they do is not meant personally, it’s not right for you to take it personally.  That means it is neither fair nor reasonable to treat someone who is just not sensitive (i.e. they are not doing it intentionally) as if they were someone who is insensitive (i.e. they are intentionally not sensitive).  Instead of reacting and talking at them, be calm and talk to or with them and focus on their specific observable behavior(s) and the effect it has on you and what it causes you to do in response, which you don’t want to do.  Furthermore, give them a specific alternative observable behavior to do instead, because in these areas that they are weak, they may not be teachable, but they are often trainable if you speak to them in a respectful way.

If you are the person with Asperger like features you may be dumbfounded since your intention is never to hurt the people you care about, or for that matter to hurt anyone.  Rather your intention is just to move projects forward towards the goal you have in mind.

I remember the time an entrepreneur with Asperger like feature brought in his 14 year old daughter at the insistence of his wife, who told him in no uncertain terms, “You need to go see Dr. Goulston, because your daughter can’t stand you.”

When they came in, she clearly didn’t want to be there and pulled into a corner of my L-shaped couch and he said in a mechanical way how much he loved his daughter and would never want to upset her.  It was clear by her body language that his analytical way of speaking only reinforced her feelings of anger towards him.

Now since I am a bit on the intuitive side, I imagined the following scenario happening at home (none of which she had told me) and said to her: “What’s it like when he drives you crazy and you scream at him from your room, ‘Get out! Leave me the f— alone!’  And then when he does, you lie down on your bed and ‘flip him off’ aiming your finger at the door you just slammed on him?’”

Apparently my intuition hit a bullseye and she promptly pulled into a fetal position and started sobbing and rocking herself in complete pain.  At that point her father looked at her (while she writhed in pain), was bewildered, then looked at me and started to cry.  I don’t think he knew what crying was, because he touch his tears and looked at them on his fingers as if they were blood.  He then looked at me, trying very hard to comprehend and said: “My little girl is in awful pain and I think I somehow caused it.  But I love her and that’s the last thing I would ever want to do.”

That breakthrough was the beginning of not only a different relationship with her daughter, but a different relatedness.

The sad fact of this story is that I don’t think the pain that his daughter was feeling and his confusion about how he was causing it is terribly unique.

***

Dear blog readers, Please accept my deep and sincere thank you.  Your support has been instrumental to my book reaching #1 in four categories at amazon and it being reviewed the current TIME magazine.

Catch an upcoming free webcast on: “The Simple Way to Get Through to Difficult People” at Career Coaches: Special Interest Group on Wednesday, October 14 from 12-1 PM EDT.

What would it mean to your life if instead of worrying about who is going to put a knife in your back you had people who had your back and refused to let you fail?

To hear Keith Ferrazzi talk about it, his life should have been terrific after this first book, Never Eat Alone, became a New York Times Best Seller in 2005 and he became one of the most sought after speakers in America. In many ways it was and yet he soon felt like he was drowning at the deep end of a pool. What happened was he had this great opportunity to build a company, something lasting instead of fleeting and something he had always wanted to do, but discovered he was not a very good leader and even a worse manager and worse yet was too often seduced by what was interesting instead of focusing on what was important.

Then one of his trusted associates– more trusted than he could imagine – took him aside and told him he was “inelegant” and frenetic and needed to pick two things to concentrate on. Rather than feel offended, Ferrazzi felt deeply cared about. That was a turning point where he realized that spreading a wide net to connect with many people and as he

advised in Never Eat Alone was one thing, but if you really wanted to progress in this world you needed just a few individuals to care about you, hold you accountable, kick you in the butt when you need it and above all, who won’t let you fail. And of course all this commitment and caring goes in both directions.

In Who’s Got Your Back Ferrazzi explains the key mindsets of what he calls “lifeline” relationships: Generosity, Vulnerability, Candor, Accountability. I have been following this roadmap in this exact order for a couple years and it is has transformed my life. It is my good fortune that Generosity comes naturally to me. That by itself has opened doors especially in a “what’s in it for me” world including relationships with some of the most respected leaders in this country. As I have grown closer to these people and they see that I didn’t want anything more than the pleasure and honor of their company, our relationships spontaneously shifted to Vulnerability baring our mutual necks, fears and dreams. Because of the quality of these people our bared necks quickly crossed over into our being Candid with each other – their pointing out the equivalence of my “inelegance and being all over the place” and my in turn pointing out some of the ways they got in their own way.

The greatest contribution to my success has been the final mindset, Accountability. I so respect these people and so value their esteem, that the last thing I would want to do is disappoint them. So any commitment I make to them is one that I will keep and because they seem to care about me, they make sure that any commitment I make is a meaningful one for me.

I urge you to go out and buy Who’s Got Your Back and more importantly put its principles to work today. If it transformed my life, it can transform yours.

Being a “people pleaser” is not the problem,
it’s being a people pleaser to takers
who don’t give back, or even say, “Thank you.”

My wife used to tell me that I gave away my time and effort much too freely.  She was right, but I refused to listen. Then I had an incident where I gave too much to someone who turned out to be a psychopath.  I was lucky to escape with as little damage as I did.  My sanity was not as lucky.

For the next year I was cautious about anyone and everyone and was much more withholding than I had ever been. The good news was that nobody got the better of me; the bad news was that I absolutely hated the negative energy that had metastasized through my psyche, spirit and soul.

Fortunately I was able to return to my prior generous ways, but with the following caveat emptor: “Give to everyone once, but recognize takers and those who don’t reciprocate and never give to them a second time.

How do you recognize a “taker?”

1. They don’t offer you anything in return
2. They expect you to give more
3. Many don’t even say “Thank you” (and if they do, it doesn’t ring true)

How do you deal with a “taker?”

1. Be prepared to ask for something in return by simply saying, “Oh that reminds me there is something I would like you to do for me…”
2. Watch their body posture when you ask them for what that is. The longer the pause or hesitate, the more awkward their smile, the more they fumble for words, the more likely you are dealing with a taker.
3. My favorite approach is what I call “The Taker Lie Detector Test.” To do that, pause after their request, just to make the conversation a tad uncomfortable and then say: “Hmm, I was just thinking that I am a fair and reasonable person and if what you’re asking me to do is fair and reasonable, I’d be happy to do it (rarely does a taker ever concern themselves with what is fair and reasonable). And you know, even if it’s not fair and reasonable I might still do it, but then of course it’s a favor and of course I’ll be able to ask you for one in return at a time of my choosing. Don’t you think?” If they start to twist with discomfort after that response, I have learned to say, “You know, on second thought I’m afraid I’m going to have to say, ‘No.’”

Give that last one a try and let me know how it works for you.

If you like this kind of information, be sure to sign up for my FREE RESOURCES by clicking on that button in the upper right hand corner.

And if you have a tad of A.D.H.D., you might want to pre-order my upcoming book, “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. If you do so, you will be in the best of company as you’ll see here:

” ‘Just Listen’ is an insightful and practical guide for getting more out of your relationships at work, at home, anywhere. I’ve already ordered copies for everyone in Mattel’s senior leadership team and for each of my grown kids.”

- Bob Eckert, CEO and Chairman, Mattel

Also please check out my friend Keith Ferrazzi’s great new book Who’s got your back and learn how to develop mutually giving relationships and my Who’s got your back book review.

The opposite of selfishness is not generosity, it’s sacrifice.

 Selfishness ———-> Generosity ———-> Sacrifice

Last Memorial Day, television actor and Marine Hugh O’Brien spoke to the assembled audience at the Los Angeles National Cemetery and told us that we were there to honor the all who gave some and the some who gave all so the rest of us could be free.  

I didn’t serve in Vietnam because I pulled 363 in the draft lottery. I have spent the last forty years living a good life. My high school classmates, Arthur Stroyman and Paul Dunne, have spent the last forty years on the wall of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. My children age 27, 24 and 19 have also had a blessed life going to nice colleges and now have jobs. During the same time my good friend Jane Bright’s son Evan Ashcraft was killed in Iraq. The pain and anger threatened to consume Jane until she focused on what Evan kept writing to her in his letters: “When I come home from Iraq, I just want to help people. Evan” To fulfill his dream Jane and her husband Jim established the Evan Ashcraft Foundation.

Every day I drive by the intersection of Sepulveda and Wilshire Blvd. in Los Angeles. And each time I usually see a veteran of an older war. They are now beginning to be replaced by veterans from Afghanistan and Iraq, by people the age of my children. On a good day, I’ll roll down my window and give one a dollar. But on most days I’ll be on my Blackberry on a call of questionable import and just wave the veteran on refusing to even make eye contact.

I can no longer sit back and do nothing. (And after reading Jayne Lyn Stahl’s disturbing blog, An Insult to Service I hope you will no longer be able to do nothing either).

I don’t think honoring those who gave so much so we can be free — the soldiers, veterants, police, firefighters and their families — is enough; we need to repay them for their sacrifice.

I dedicated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for Dummies to those who sacrificed so much to create peace on Earth so they might regain peace of mind.

In celebration of Memorial Day I thought it was timely to spread the word about the Aids and Attendance Program to qualified Vets who could benefit from assistance with their care needs. 

The Veterans’ Administration offers a Special Pension with Aid and Attendance (A&A) benefit that is largely unknown.  This Special Pension (part of the VA Improved Pension program) allows for Veterans and surviving spouses who require the regular attendance of another person to assist in eating, bathing, dressing, undressing or taking care of the needs of nature to receive additional monetary benefits.  It also includes individuals who are blind or a patient in a nursing home because of mental or physical incapacity.  Assisted care in an assisted living facility also qualifies.

This most important benefit is overlooked by many families with Veterans or surviving spouses who need additional monies to help care for ailing parents or loved ones.  This is a “pension benefit” and is not dependent upon service-related injuries for compensation.  Most Veterans who are in need of assistance qualify for this pension.  Aid and Attendance can help pay for care in the home, nursing home or assisted living facility.  A Veteran is eligible for up to $1,632 per month, while a surviving spouse is eligible for up to $1,055 per month.  A couple is eligible for up to $1,949 per month.

Find out more at: VeteranAid.org

PS:  Please forward this information to someone who could use it!   

- my mom dropping me off at Logan Airport in September, 1966
to attend UC Berkeley and something she remembers
more clearly than what she ate for breakfast

I have become a combination masochist-”rubber necker” when I read my daily Los Angeles Times.

Instead of starting at the front, I read the Business section first and become either depressed or anxious, then I look at Sports to become distracted, then I glance through the auto and other ads to look at things I was once able to buy, then I very briefly look at the Home section to see how far my home’s value has dropped, then I look at the Calendar section to possibly find a movie of interest to escape to and finally I look at the front page. And the front page of the Saturday, December 13 LA Times gave me reason to pause…a little perspective and calmed me down.

Maybe it will do the same for you: Saturday, December 13, 2008 Los Angeles Times, Page 1, “Honoring the Fallen.”.

And to gain even more perspective and a little education go to: PTSD – Hello in There

Management is about doing what can be seen and executing it well;
Leadership is about envisioning what can’t be seen that spontaneously enrolls people to make it happen.

- Ivan Rosenberg, CEO, Frontier Associates

When America was born it had before it the tremendous opportunity to utilize massive untapped resources, a desire to explore the unknown mindset, an eagerness to be educated and develop the necessary skills to be successful, and a chance to build a new infrastructure without being mired by the outdated ones supporting Europe and Asia.

For most of the past 400 years (dating back to 1620) America has made the most of that opportunity. An analogy is how most law firms or investment firms are similarly opportunistic and mostly transactional (find the client/deal, do the case/deal, next – and bigger and more profitable – case/deal). The problem is that America (and possibly law firms and investment firms) and its mindset, skillset, and infrastructure have become outdated like those of the rest of the world when America was born.

Truth be told seizing an opportunity can get you into the game and win early and expand, but only developing the vision that Rosenberg mentioned at the top can keep you growing.

To Obama’s credit, he has been able to be transformational in his mindset and values. However he is surrounded by transactional and often non-cooperative players. His vision of more jobs (to stem the panic and give fearful out-of-work people something purposeful to do instead of just spinning their wheels), be more energy efficient (America and the rest of the world have not been too kind to the Earth), have better health service (unhealthy people tend to withdraw and not participate) and improve education (we need to go from a “what will it get me” educational myopia to “learning is fun”) is one that can enroll Americans to make happen.

His biggest challenge will be in transforming the American mindset from “all about me” to “all about us” (still not global minded and us vs. them) to “all about we” (becoming communally proactive vs. reactive).*

In essence, how to stop looking for a competitive advantage and replace it with a Collaborative Advantage.

*The best guide that I know for doing this and something that should be on Obama’s short list is Tribal Leadership by Dave Logan, John King and Halee Fisher-Wright.

Visit Dr. Mark Goulston at www.markgoulston.com

SPECIAL OFFER TO USABLE INSIGHT COMMUNITY: December 11, 2-3:30 PM EST, 1-2:30 PM CST, 11-12:30 PM PST. Your chance to go from bright and smart to wise.  Listen with your teams to “Moving from Managing to Leading” a live webinar where Mark Goulston will interview Warren Bennis and take your questions. Use this link  Usable Insight to get a $50 discount off the regular fee of $349 when you register.

As heard at: Papertrain Your Problem Relatives for the Holiday
compliments of:

An ounce of flattery
will get you a well behaved guest.

Do you have any relatives or friends that ruin everyone’s time on Thanksgiving or Christmas and you can’t un-invite them? Do you feel guilty at wishing they’ll either have other plans or be too sick to come? Do you wish there was a way to papertrain them so they don’t mess on everyone else’s good time?

Here is how using a little applied emotional intelligence can save the day. One thing most of these high-maintenance (easy to upset, difficult to please) people have in common is that they feel as if the world is not treating them well enough. In essence they don’t feel important or special enough in the world (usually because their awful personality has gotten in the way of success which they are bitter about).

This is where thinking ahead and using the “i” (as in “important”) word can do wonders.

Have the male of the house that is doing dinner call these problem people 5 to 7 days ahead of time and say to them: “I’m calling to ask you a favor because you’re a very important part of our holiday gatherings (i.e. “because we haven’t figured out how to keep you from coming or shut you up”). Many of us don’t see or even talk to each other except for these holidays and you never know who’s really having a bad time with a terrible illness, a recent death, or some big financial problems. So these gathering can be very awkward and since you are such a consistent and important guest I was hoping you might be able to greet people when they come in, and help pull them out of their shell by asking them how they and their family are doing and about anything new that’s been going on with them.”

Having the male of the house do something so forward thinking and so gracious (it’s not that often that a man asks for help or directions) and also giving these people who feel so cheated by life the chance to feel important is not only quite flattering, it is disarming. The problem person is going to have trouble responding with his/her real modas operandi, i.e. “No thanks. I was planning on coming and ruining everyone’s time like I do every year.”

Then when Thanksgiving or Xmas dinner occurs, this same male should greet that person at the door, touch them on the arm and say: “I hope I can count on you to help make people feel comfortable after they arrive.” Then add before they can respond, “Oh, excuse me. I have to go take care of some things.”

This may not stop a dyed in the wool jerk from spoiling the holidays, but it may serve as a deterrent.

Check out Be Grateful Then Mulitply and Thanksgiving foreplay.

And in case people are too afraid to get into being thankful check out Don’t Panic. and have people try the advice that Bob Eckert, CEO of Mattel follows to stay on track.

© 2008 Mark Goulston

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by Mark Goulston

Do you own a dog? Do you own a show dog?

If you owned a show dog, you would probably know the term “fearful aggression.” It occurs in tightly wound dogs that growl when they are afraid and it has to be trained out of them or else they will be kicked out and never win “best in show” You saw examples of that in the comedy movie of the same name.

Dogs are not the only living creatures with fearful aggression. People have it and John McCain has it. And it was on full display in the final Presidential debate. The drawback with having it and demonstrating it is that it triggers a reaction in viewers’ mirror neurons. According to UCLA neuroscientist, Marco Iacoboni that is the part of your brain that fires when you watch someone do something (that causes you to yawn when they yawn) and causes you to feel what they are feeling. This region is thought to be the site of empathy. This also means that viewers will also be compelled to feel their own feel fearful aggression. So if McCain appeared uncomfortable in his own skin, it can cause viewers to feel the same.

On the other hand the frequent smile that Obama showed was more a sign of his embarrassment for McCain who was coming off as a jerk and not appearing to either know it or care about it. When our mirror neurons observed Obama, we could relate to his embarrassment for McCain, because we also felt it.

The main problem for McCain showing this is that it caused viewers to feel dissonance. Dissonance occurs when what you see and hear from someone else doesn’t match what you feel about them. In other words: “What are you going to do FOR me?/What are you going to do TO me?” Dissonance causes people to “buy out” vs. “buy in” to what you’re saying. In McCain’s case, when we watch someone who is so out of touch with how he is coming off, it can add to the feeling of his being out of touch with us.

Being in touch is not just critical to winning the election, but in being an effective leader. When people feel you really get where they’re coming from, they’re more likely to let you take them where you’d like them to go.