Years ago I was the creator of Recoupling Therapy where I helped divorced ex-spouses successfully get back together.  It caught national attention and landed me on Today, Oprah and in the N.Y. Times and Los Angeles Times.

I didn’t stay with it, because at the time a larger part of my practice was doing interventions with highly suicidal, violent and dying people and their problems seemed more life threatening (I currently do see couples who are separated, but have each decided to give their marriage one last try before they divorce.  I have called that: “Last Chance Marriage Fix”).

I learned many things from divorced couples, but one thing several of them said still stays with me and I think offers the best advice to couples who are thinking of becoming engaged.  They said that when you go through a divorce you see the other person at their absolute worst, whereas in a new relationship, you have yet to discover that.  If the other person’s absolute worst added to your owning up to how you caused problems in your ex-marriage don’t turn out to be too horrific that can give you a more realistic view of that relationship than of a new one that is still in a honeymoon period.

So here’s the tip before you give your heart to someone else.  Have at least three knock down (figuratively speaking), drag out arguments that you resolve completely.  Completely means that you express your upset and anger at the other, but each of you keep talking until you’re talking from your disappointment, hurt and even fear (that this is the beginning of pattern of unending ugliness between you) and then you both come up with a solution you both accept, agree and commit to so that another such argument doesn’t occur.

In truth there is a progression from: difference of opinion –> upset –> disagreement –> argument –> ultimatums.

The more mature a person is, the more they can allow and accept and respect another person having a different opinion without becoming upset and escalating it to a disagreement, or if they do have one, can stop things before it escalates into an argument.

The more immature a person, the more quickly does a difference of an opinion move into an argument and then ultimatums. That may explain why when an immature child doesn’t like what their parent or a friend is doing, they’re likely to say, “I hate you! You’re not my friend.” It may also explain why when immature adult aged couples have a difference of opinion they can quickly go to argument and then, “Fine, let’s just get divorced.”

The psychological reason for this involves a concept known as “object constancy.”  When you have object constancy it means that you are still able to maintain an emotional attachment to someone even after they have disappointed or hurt you.  You may not like the way it feels, but you still feel the attachment.  This is often something that is learned and a sign of emotional and psychological maturity.

Immature people and the majority of people with what are described as Personality Disorders, have poor object constancy, meaning that as soon as they feel disappointed, hurt or afraid they cut off their emotional and psychological attachment to the other person and often view them as the enemy.

How’s your Object Constancy?*

How deeply can you feel disappointed, frustrated and/or hurt by another person and still feel a connection to them?  The more deeply you can, the greater your object constancy, maturity and relationship worthiness.  The less you can tolerate feeling disappointed, frustrated and/or hurt by another person and not feel an attachment to them, the lesser your object constancy, maturity and relationship worthiness.

* “How to Grow a Thicker Skin Without Developing a Cold Heart” – In an upcoming blog learn how to become more mature in how you react and respond to a different opinion so that it not only doesn’t escalate, but serves to make you and the other person closer.

P.S. This is not bad advice to consider before you decide to sell your company or merge with, acquire or get acquired by another company. Don’t you agree?

Here is the problem for candidates Obama and Romney. If doing this and letting us know who they really are alienates too large a group of voters, that could cost them the election which would be impolitic to do.  Unfortunately if they don’t do this, we are not able to fully trust them and that also leaves us unsatisfied and skeptical at our cores..

Here’s the dilemma for us voters,  Would we rather know who they are so that we can trust that or would we rather they cater to our wants and needs so we can get our way?

Most of us are not evolved enough to realize that we can’t have our candidate and eat it too.  We are not able to distinguish between what feels good (i.e. getting our way) and what feels right (i.e. having a Commander in Chief we can trust).  As a result our candidates are like sailboats tacking in the middle of storm of reactivity where voters want you to do what we want, but also be someone we can trust.

What’s a candidate to do?

Let’s use the parallel of divorcing parents who ostensibly should be focusing on what’s in the best interest of their child,  However, instead they too often play power trips and engage in “zero sum game” turf wars transparently showing how little interest they have in co-parenting that results in a child at age 18 who is: self-reliant, resilient, positive, tough, strong, has good judgment, takes life but not themselves too seriously. Instead their warfare often results in a child with the opposite attributes, i.e. overly dependent, hypersensitive, thin skinned, negative, blaming, excuse making, self-pitying, quits too soon.

In a parallel fashion shouldn’t candidates Obama and Romney and for that matter the Democrats and Republicans be interacting in a way that results at the end of their terms in an America that is better educated, more highly skilled, provided health care and a chance for gainful employment and one that the rest of the world so respects that it would want our esteem as much as it wants our money and military power.

Unfortunately the above is overly idealistic, naive and a pipe dream, and we will just have to wait for history to reveal to us who these people turned out to be as recent biographies on Presidents Eisenhower and Johnson have done on the positive side and legal troubles regarding John Edwards has done on the negative side.

But isn’t it something that our candidates, political parties and we can aspire towards?

• I’m going to give you until the count of three… 1… 2… 2 and a half… 2 and three quarters.
• I don’t care who started it, I said stop!
• I don’t have to explain myself. I said no.
• I can’t believe you can sleep in this filth!
• Am I talking to a brick wall?
• Are you deaf or something?
• As long as you live under my roof, you’ll do as I say.
• Call me when you get there, just so I know you’re okay.
• Did you brush your teeth?
• Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up?
• Don’t go out with a wet head, you’ll catch cold.
• Don’t sit too close to the television; it’ll ruin your eyes.
• Eat your vegetables; they’re good for you.
• Going to a party? Who’s going to be there?
• I didn’t ask who put it there; I said “Pick it up!”
• I hope someday you have children just like you.
• I’m doing this for your own good.
• I’m not your cleaning lady!
• Look at me when I’m talking to you.
• Money does NOT grow on trees.
• Put that down! You don’t know where it’s been!
• Watch your mouth!
• What did I say the FIRST time?
• What part of NO don’t you understand?
• When I was a little girl…
• When I was young we had respect for our elders!
• Who died and left you boss?
• Who taught you THAT? You didn’t learn that in this house!
• You can’t find it? Well, if you’d put things where they belonged, you wouldn’t have this problem.
• You won’t be happy until you break that, will you?
• Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home!
• Some day you will thank me for this. SMACK!!!
• If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all
• How can you have nothing to wear? Your closet is full of clothes!
• Don’t use that tone with me!

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. – Jewish Proverb

Home is where your Mom is. – Unknown

Sweater, n.:  garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.  ~Ambrose Bierce

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. – Robert Frost

 The first time you truly appreciate Mother’s Day will be the first time you spend it without one. -  Linda Poindexter

Check out this video of Bill Donohue of the Catholic League on Piers Morgan.

For men:

If you watch the video of Bill Donohue on Piers Morgan above, imagine his wife daring to tell him, “You’re wrong, you’re foolish, you’re an embarrassment,” which if she has a brain in her head, she’s gotta think (unless she’s been so brainwashed to “stand by her man”).

Most women want to feel cherished by men and want to admire, trust and respect men. And yet many men fail to cherish the woman in their life and fail to act in a way that is worthy of admiration, trust and respect. In the past, women who neither felt cherished nor able to admire, trust and respect men sucked it in and put a smile on their face, often living lives of quiet and lonely desperation.

For many years men could act this way and still get devotion from their women. However with women now saying, “No thanks, I deserve to have someone who cherishes me and who I can admire, trust and respect and if you’re not going to be that person, I’m going to look for someone who can and will,” men are on notice that they can no longer get their cake (devotion from women) and eat it too (still treat women poorly).

Sadly, men’s identity is often tied to feeling in power and in control and when they now feel neither, it frightens them and is likely to bring out behavior that is more often entitled and not particularly loving. Men protest gay marriage between women because it implies that women are no longer willing to be submissive to people who don’t treat them well. And the men who protest gay marriage between men are often acting out on their own “homophobia,” namely that it makes them feel so uncomfortable that they have to see such unions as wrong.

For women:

Bitchy women who believe they are entitled to be catered to may resent men who similar to the women described above, feel they deserve to be treated better than these entitled women treat them and instead turn to men who do. On the other hand, submissive women who have drunk the kool aid of being in loveless and cherishless marriages and deny their misery, may want to resent women who have chosen not to put up with that, because these other women trigger enormous conflict and anxiety in the unloved women regarding why they are putting up with lives of “lonely desperation.”

The solution: The Golden Rule on Steriods

Any couple should be able to marry where each loves, cherishes, respects and is dedicated to the well being and fulfillment of the other person as they would have their partner do onto them.

The solution for anti gay marriage men and women: Love and let love.

The solution for Bill Donohue

Stop using the name of God and Catholicism to serve your own personal agenda. Also before you throw stones at other people, take care of what you are no doubt hiding (nearly all vehemently hostile people turn out to be hiding something which at the very least is that they care more about being right and winning than they do about serving a higher noble purpose).

Addendum: After this blog was posted, I received this email: “I am a big supporter of Gay Marriage but this article seems a little too biased. It doesn’t seem to have much evidence to support it’s claims. I think it has more to do than jealousy…”   I think his or her comment was spot on and that there are many pushy, argumentative, opinionated people who know how to be right, but don’t know how to be happy and are jealous of people who are happy.  Seeing that and realizing that all the “being right” and winning is not going to make them happy, causes them to be aware of something that will never be theirs and that can often cause them be sarcastic, be cynical, condescending and attack anyone who is happy.

Follow Mark Goulston, M.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/markgoulston

What’s the formula of a blockbuster?

In the case of both The Avengers and Avatar, you may enter the movie theater identifying with the powerless, weak, fearful, overwhelmed by external forces characters as portrayed by the “normal identity” humans or in the case of Avatar, handicapped identity of the protagonist.  Such identities are flawed and if not powerless at least fairly vulnerable and are traits that make it easy to identify and begin to vicariously live through if you are feeling less than superhuman these days.  Then as the movie progresses (and it is also important to have a decent and not too cheesy story), such imperfect characters as those on the screen and in the audience become transformed into superheroes that can take on and defeat any adversity or even evil in their path.  And by the end of the movie you get to personally experience being heroic, in command, in charge and control of all your domain.

It’s also no wonder that many people go out for food or a snack after the movie, because as the vicarious adventure drops you back in a life that you are anything but powerful in, it may make you hungry for something to keep the high going.

Years ago, I did a workshop at a PromaxBDA convention that was high tech except for my standing room only no-tech presentation to more than 250 attendees on “Creating Gotta See It!” PromaxBDA in the international association for entertainment professionals who are responsible for the trailers, ads, opening tv and movie sequence all designed to compel you to want to see more or what I referred to as “Gotta’ See It!” This is the same experience behind, “Gotta Have It!” “Gotta Buy It!” “Gotta Tell Others About It.” Contrast that with the opposite reactions such as “Never mind,” “Nah, don’t think so,” “Pass” or “Yuck!”

The single hand out from that presentation is below. In essence what it means is that every customer who has the internal experience on the left wants a product or service to transport them to the experience on the right. In the example of a promo or trailer or title sequence, all of these should offer a viewer the promise of being transported from an experience on the left to the one on the right if they see the tv show or movie.

• Wopular
• Us Mag
• Huffington Post
• Top News Today
• Feeddoo
• All Voices
• Fame Fit
• Political Parades
• Regator
• Wrhel
• KEARTH101
• Huffington Post Entertainment
• Alltop – Huffington Post

Women – too often don’t feel entitled to what they do deserve

Men – too often men feel entitled to what they don’t deserve

What’s behind this and why are so many women afraid to ask for what they want, need and deserve in the work place?

Neurochemistry

A big part of a women’s identity is tied to both her estrogen and oxytocin.  Her estrogen is what causes her to feel more feminine and her oxytocin is about what causes her to feel that connecting, nurturing and bonding are so important.

A big part of men’s identity is tied to both his testosterone and adrenaline.  His testosterone is what causes him to feel aggressive and his adrenaline is what causes him to feel powerful.

Both women and men are also frequently dopamine junkies where dopamine is what cause both of them to feel pleasure and even intense pleasure.

When women are coming from their estrogen/femininity and it succeeds in attracting men to bond with and cherish them, that releases a dopamine rush. When men are coming from their testosterone/male aggressiveness and it directs their adrenaline to fight (instead of flight) and they win something, that also releases a dopamine rush.

Pushing, asking and demanding are more in line with testosterone and adrenaline.

Giving and being given, caring and being cared about , loving and being loved are more in line with estrogen and oxcytocin.

Psychology

When a women asks or demands something at work (all bets are off at home) she is often perceived as a “b*tch” and at the very least as unfeminine, because those appears to be testosterone/adrenaline type behaviors.

Perhaps the greatest deterrent to asking for what they want, need and deserve is the fear that if they are perceived as the “b” word, they will be rejected by a man and then as the office buzz grows, by all the men in her office (as in, “She’s such a b*tch!”).  Rejection is the opposite of bonding and it is an affront to the oxytocin driven part of a woman’s identity.  That may explain why so many women don’t know how to behave in the office.  If they wait for the kindness and generosity of men, it usually doesn’t happen, because men tend to hoard power and feel that giving away anything diminishes it (that may explain why it is so difficult for men to say, “Thank you” or “Congratulations” and even more hard to say sincerely, “I’m sorry”).  On the other hand if women push for what they want they risk both: a) not receiving it which can make an already awkward situation worse and b) men pulling back and away from them which causes their oxytocin driven identity to take more of a hit.

What’s a Woman to Do – Focus on the Future

One of my favorite people is executive coach extraordinaire, Marshall Goldsmith.  He is the creator of “feed forward coaching” because he knows that it is much less likely to cause trouble to focus on a future that people have not yet messed up, than to get into a “pissing match” rife with ‘he said/she said’ escalation about something that has already happened.

Example 1: Regarding asking for help on a project.

If you can, at the beginning of any project where you might need help (doesn’t that mean all projects?) down the road, say to your boss or peer, “Going forward, in the event I need your assistance in either providing me with direct help or supporting me in accessing it from somewhere else, what is the best way to get that from you?”  Don’t feel guilty. Just be quiet. Remember, you’re not asking for it now.

Then listen to whatever they say and respond, “This is really important for me to get clear, because you know how awkward asking for help can be, so I just want to be certain I heard what you said.  You said the best way to approach you in the future is (then say exactly what they said).  Is that correct?” Wait for them to give a confirmatory, “Yes,” which according to influence guru, Robert Cialdini, will deepen their commitment to doing it in the future.

Example 2: Regarding asking for more pay and/or a promotion

You can certainly discuss it when your review comes up, but if that is likely to cause real awkwardness and end poorly here is an alternative. Say to your boss, “Are any of those (raise, bonus or promotion) negotiable?”

If they say, “No,” retain your composure (even if you’re boiling inside and whatever you do, don’t cry, because it makes men nuts), pause and reply, “Just so I’ll know for future reference and future reviews for more pay, bonuses and promotions, help me to understand what you evaluate in order to arrive at those assessments.”  Then again, be quiet. If he becomes uptight say, “I’m not trying to be difficult I’m just trying to understand your criteria for giving a raise, bonus and/or promotion so that I can be sure to meet them so that next time, if raises, bonuses and promotions are being given, that I will be in the best position to receive one.”

 Also:

• Calling All Women Executives: Part 1 – How to Win (Male) Friends and Influence Everyone
• Calling All Women Executives: Part 2 – Be a Little More Paranoid
• Calling All Women Executives: Part 3 – Turn Off Your B.S. Detectors
• Calling All Women Executives: Part 4 – How to De-Fang a Bully

What’s up with that?

In a sentence, the final moments are the place where neurochemistry, phylogeny and hyperfocus meet.

Neurochemistry

Adrenaline (= Power), Testosterone (= Aggression), Dopamine (= Pleasure)

Most extreme athletes are adrenaline junkies.  Why? Because an adrenaline rush when focused makes you feel not just powerful, but superhuman.  Two things trigger adrenaline, either “fight or flight.” What causes Bryant, Paul, Nowitzki and Anthony to be great is that their inherent testosterone/highly competitive/aggressive nature always causes them to choose “fight” and then focuses that adrenaline rush to be able to execute at an amazing level.   And after they have, the dopamine surge of pleasure that follows is close to ecstacy.

Adrenaline + testosterone (causing them to focus and fight vs. run and flee) together are the body’s natural Adderral which is what enables people with A.D.D. to become calm, centered and focused.  As you may know many of the best athletes have A.D.D. which is not truly about an attention deficit, but is really about not paying attention to things they don’t want to such as understanding and being prudent about finances and listening with undivided attention to their spouses and children.

Phylogeny

Think of your brain as being composed of three brains (referred to as Triune Brain). The oldest is your lower/reptilian/fight or flight brain which is 245 million years old; the next oldest is your middle/mammalian/emotional brain which is 65 million years old; and the relative newcomer is your upper/human/thinking brain which is about 200,000 years old.

The more impulsive, unfocused and scattered (a.k.a. scatterbrain) a person is, the more loosely configured are each of these three brains to each other and the more poorly they work together in unison.  In fact under stress they almost seem to function separately in such people which may explain how chaotic these people seem to act.  Think of such people as a rickety old pick up truck that feels like it will fall apart at any moment.

Hyperfocus

On the other hand, the more tightly these three brains are configured and aligned to each other aimed towards a singular purpose, the more focused, centered, determined and formidable these people are.  Think of such people as a Turbo Porsche that grabs and almost controls the road no matter how it bends and curves.

An analogy to better understand this is to think of how young military recruits enter basic training.  They may be filled with “piss and vinegar,” but their focus and minds are often all over the place.  However, then they are broken down and built back up into a force that can defeat and kill a fearsome enemy.  To do that, their thinking upper brains, feeling middle brains, and acting lower brains become almost arc welded to each other and the result is a warrior.

The problem for soldiers and many extreme athletes (are YOU listening O.J.?) is that without a life or death or high stakes situation, all that adrenaline/testosterone/dopamine has nowhere to go and nowhere to blow.  Without a war or a game with everything on the line, there isn’t sufficient at stake to trigger that adrenaline rush which them enrolls the testosterone to generate dopamine pleasure.

This may explain why so many extreme athletes and power players (“are you listening Tiger, Bill Clinton, John Edwards?”) do outrageous things outside of their sport or job.  Why? Because the thrill of an adrenaline rush is often exceeded by the agony of an adrenaline crash.  And when you do things that are dangerous, forbidden, risky and even foolish, that triggers an outpouring of adrenaline and another rush, which offsets the listless, irritable feelings these people have when coming off an adrenaline induced dopamine high.

But put them in overtime and it is a sight to behold (that triggers a dopamine surge in viewers which may explain why we keep watching replays of those moments).

Greg Gumbel once asked hockey’s greatest player, Wayne Gretzky, “What is it like to be in overtime of the deciding game of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, knowing that there are 10 seconds left and that the puck will be passed to you?”

Wayne flashed that huge, delighted (and no doubt dopamine filled) grin and responded: “I live the whole season for that moment.”

(Click twice s-l-o-w-l-y on image below to expand)

World English Dictionary

dys-

-        prefix

1. diseased, abnormal, or faulty: dysentery; dyslexia
2. difficult or painful: dysuria, dysthymia
3. unfavorable or bad: dylogistic

[via Latin from Greek dus- ]

How many people do you know that handle disappointment well?

First of all, what does that look like?

It is the ability to realize and accept that something you expected has not happened without your becoming angry at someone else, angry at yourself, complaining, whining or feeling sorry for yourself… and then being able to focus on making the best of it and aiming for the best possible outcome now that what you expected didn’t happen.

If instead of handling it with poise and aplomb, you become upset and strike out at others or yourself, disappointment turns into dysappointment, where you experience pain and hurt over the disappointment.

If you think of disappointment as dis + appointment and by that an expectation of a certain outcome, i.e. an appointment with a result, that just didn’t happen, you realize that a disappointment is neutral.  It becomes painful only when you apply a different meaning to it, as in, “That shouldn’t have happened,” “That wasn’t fair,” “It’s not right.”  When you apply such meanings they appear to justify your reacting emotionally to it.  However when you change those meanings, your need to react emotionally goes away.*

Prevent disappointment from turning into dysappointment

If you can recognize the extra meaning you are putting on it and that doing so only causes you pain, you have the possibility of taking that meaning off it and alleviating the pain and more importantly prevent  needlessly striking out, striking back or hurting yourself.

So the next time something doesn’t happen that you expected, instead of thinking, “That shouldn’t have happened,” think, “That’s just one of the things that happen that I don’t like or didn’t expect and furthermore if I handle it well, it’s a tremendous opportunity for poise.” And if you’re like most people, manifesting and demonstrating poise is one of the most respect and esteem worthy ways you can act in life.

Turn BATNA to BSCTFC

BATNA is a term coined by Roger Fisher and William Ury in their 1981 bestseller, Getting to YES.  It stands for the Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement which means that when you are going into a negotiation, it is best to have a back up alternative so that you don’t have all your eggs in one basket and are able to proceed even if the negotiation fails.  Having that also makes you less brittle, less emotional and causes you less stress during the negotiation.

BSCTFC stands for Best Second Choice To a First Choice.  One of the most common examples of this in when high schoolers are applying to college.  They and their parents are told to have a first choice, a couple second choice(s) and several “safety” choices.  This process is also very revealing of students and parents who handle disappointment well and those who handle it poorly.  Those who handle it well can end up in a “safety” and still have an excellent experience.  Those who handle it poorly may not even apply beyond a first and a second choice, because the dysappointment if they don’t get their way is intolerable.

The more poorly someone handles disappointment and not getting their way, the more they are likely to react negatively and angrily and push back when they are told to have a “back up” plan.

Try a Little Perspective

About twenty five years ago an elderly woman came to see me who was bent over with severe arthritis and walked very slowly with the use of a cane and looked like the hag in the movie Snow White.  Despite the pain she must have been having she had a radiant smile. When I asked her what she seemed so happy about she replied, “I was just thinking how great this cane is going to look when I am in a wheel chair in five years.”

If you look at your present through the eyes of your future and focus on what you still have that you might not in the future and then appreciate it, it’s amazing how much dysappointment can go away.

Be Grateful then Multiply

Finally, if every day you can think of someone who was there for you and who stood up for you in public, stood by you in a crisis and stood up to you in private and prevented you from doing something foolish AND then reached out to them or their family to give them a Power Thank You, you will will realize that you can’t be grateful and dysappointed at the same time.

* This perception is adapted from the transformational ideas that are foundational to Landmark Education.  If you haven’t yet attended one of their Forum programs, I would urge you to check one of them out. It will change the way you look at and live in the world.