Step 1: Make a list of the most positive, uplifting, low maintenance (easy to please, difficult to upset) people you admire and respect and know or would like to know.

Step 2: Do everything you can to develop a relationship with these people. One way to do that is to figure out what you can do for them that would make their lives better from their point of view (for instance one thing I do is write thoughtful, positive, heartfelt and sincere book reviews if they have one) and because of who they are (i.e. non-takers and non-scorekeepers) this may cause them to want to return your generosity with their own. For me, because they are indeed so special, just the gift of their very precious time is more than enough payment.

Step 3: The more you develop relationships with these wonderful people, who make you want to be a better person, the more repulsed you will be by the takers, whiners, excuse makers, bullies and high maintenance (easy to upset, difficult to please) people to the point where any contact with them will feel like nails on a chalkboard. That will drive you to sever your relationship with the negative people. Another reason you will want to sever your relationship with them is because of the negative part of your personality (the blamer, whiner, excuse maker in you) that is kept alive by continuing a relationship. Allowing that negative part of you to continue is a way of dishonoring the wonderful people you are now bringing in your life and standing in the way of your becoming the better person that they make you want to become.

A terrific resource for connecting with the right people is Keith Ferrazzi’s megabest seller, Never Eat Alone and if you really want to make a commitment to your personal improvement and achieve breakthrough results using the power of relationship check out Keith’s online university, Relationship Masters Academy.

1. Say/Do ratio stinks – When it comes to what they say about “succession” compared to what they do, they’re not even close to taking action.
2. “Yes but” any and every plan that is suggested to them – They consistently point out why any particular succession plan won’t work, instead of looking for how to make it work.
3. Don’t initiate discussions about succession – Those who resist succession rarely if ever initiate a discussion about succession much less do strategic planning, provide action steps with a time line and assigning role responsibilities to people who will carry it out
4. People are afraid to bring up succession to them – Often a domineering, if not bullying figure, people are already intimidated by them, so why in the world would they take the chance of annoying them?
5. Work is their life – They don’t have any hobbies or anything that produces the same adrenaline rush as the power they wield at work.  As one such CEO told me, “When you go from being somebody to being anybody, it’s the same as being nobody.”  Even though they might write checks, they are not passionately involved in non-profits or charities.
6. Work is their family – They are usually not capable of giving their undivided attention to their children or spouse often causing their family to retaliate for it with drugs and conspicuous consumption, a la home(s) decorating and/or their spouse becoming overly involved with and living through their children.  If they are fortunate, their family has subbed in with hobbies, teachers, coaches and/or parents of friends.
7. Won’t listen at work – They appear exclusively focused on the bottom line and their mantra is don’t bring me a problem unless you bring me a solution.
8. Overcompensated – They are frequently overcompensated for the real value they bring their company (which has long passed since they started the company or built it through its “go go” days, but no one dare says that “the emperor has less value.”  The CEO also often has a fear of losing this plus perks and prestige if they turn over the company to others.
9. Increasingly more irritable – They are not stupid and the more they consciously realize or unconsciously feel they don’t truly deserve what they’re paid (i.e. they certainly wouldn’t pay someone else the same if that other person gave the same value as they are currently giving) the more irritable they are.
10. They have fearful aggression – When high strung show dogs are afraid they growl (remember the movie, “Best in Show?”).  This is a more intense level than 9 above.  The more they are afraid that their real value (which is less than they what they are compensated) will be exposed and that they will be called on the carpet to prove it, the more aggressive they become in hopes that keeping people on defensive will keep them off the scent.

1. “How committed are you to succession?”
2. “Please offer me evidence of your commitment to succession as in strategic planning, action steps with a timeline and assigning role responsibilities to people who will carry it out?”
3. “If you are truly committed to succession, do I have your permission to seek out resources within and outside the firm to make that succession a success and to present them to you?” Then go and find those resources.

I was never a big time crook, although I have swiped a few “Sweet and Low’s” and unopened mini bottles of ketchup and mustard in my time.  And I was never a perpetrator of animal cruelty, although I do confess to incinerating a few ants with a magnifying glass years ago.

So how is that I have grown into someone who can’t stand to lie to trying hard to return money if I find it on the street and to literally feeling pain if I kill a fly?

How did I find my moral compass?

Rightly or wrongly, accurately or paranoidly, I experienced the world as judgmental, critical, conditional, dismissive and a number of additional negative ways.  I think you get the drift.  To get even with that world that I felt powerless towards I developed a cutting sarcastic wit and deep cynicism (I was not going to stand by quietly anytime I saw kindness, generosity and/or graciousness and not try to cut it down).

The greatest gift that it was my good fortune to receive has been a string of mentors who saw the good in me that I didn’t, believed in me when I couldn’t, rooted for me when I wanted to quit, and kicked my butt when I needed it.

I know that all of them wanting nothing more from me in return than my “paying it forward” to others what they had given so freely to me.

I have tried to do that, but I have always wanted to do more and this I hope will be in small measure a chance to do that.

In the last five years, four of my five mentors have died (and I’m even tearing up with gratitude laced with sadness as I write these words).  My last and perhaps most profound one is happily still alive, productive, articulate, wise and has just released his memoir: Still Surprised: A Memoir of a Life in Leadership (Josey-Bass, August 16, 2010, $27.95).

Having a mentor like Warren Bennis not only makes you want to do a better job, it makes you want to be a better person.  They can transform you from a cynical, sarcastic, chip on your shoulder victim into someone who acts to help the world and wouldn’t hurt a fly.

If you read Warren’s book, you will be much the better for it.  If you have that parent or mentor who loved and supported you, it will cause you to contact them (or their family if they have died) to tell them how much you appreciated them.  If you didn’t have such a parent or mentor, it will cause you to feel an ache for what you might have become if you had.  More importantly it will inspire you to give to the world what you never received and when you do, you will be transformed.

Here is my amazon review:

Read at Your Own Risk, August 21, 2010

By	Mark Goulston – See all my reviews

This review is from: Still Surprised: A Memoir of a Life in Leadership (J-B Warren Bennis Series) (Hardcover)

“One of the best things about hearing people say such nice things about you is that it gives you something to live up to” – Warren Bennis speaking at a USC event honoring him and after a number of people spoke to talk about his impact on them.

Warren Bennis is not merely respected by the people whose lives he has touched, he is beloved. To so many — including Howard Schultz at Starbucks, David Gergen of CNN, Sid Harmon of Harmon Kardon and Betsy Myers advisor to President Obama — he is not just that mentor or friend that makes you want to be a better person, he is frequently that parent you wish you had. For those who were homesick for a home they never had, and sick from the one they did, Warren’s loving mentoring provided them with a home at last.

What does this have to do with this engaging, heart warming, and uplifting memoir? If you read it, Warren doesn’t tell you how to be the kind of leader, parent and mensch that the best part of you wants to be, he shows you how with a story that is seasoned with humanity and spiced with humility and is so memorable that it will easily serve as a guide and template for you.

I don’t want to give away too much, but one story that makes me smile was about Warren having a conversation with undergraduate friends at Antioch about meeting a German woman in a bar in Germany at the end of WWII and going back to her room to do what you do in such a situation. He explains that going to such a bar, meeting such a woman and going back to her room was not something one such as he should do. He then talks about waking up the next morning and with the sheets pushed to the side realizing she had a prosthetic leg. When he shared this with friends at Antioch they told him that he must publish it as an essay in one of the school’s publications. He did that whereupon he was suddenly launched into “superstar” status for the rest of his years at college.

Why “read at your own risk” as the title for this review?

As you read this book and understand how Warren more than grew up, but evolved into such a beloved person, it may give you an ache to have had him as a mentor or parent if you haven’t had either. And if the lack of either is great, that ache can be profound. On the other hand there will be few other books that you will read that will help you to become the parent or mentor to others that you never had. And if you can do that, the ache will go away and you too might become someone who is beloved by others. And there is no better transformation for you than to give onto others what was never given onto you.

If my lack of objectivity is betrayed by my love and appreciation for him, that’s MY story and I’m sticking with it. It is also why I dedicated my book, Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone to him which in great part is an elaboration of something he has taught me by who he is much more than what he does: “When you deeply listen to people, get where they are coming from AND care about them when you’re there, they’re more likely to do what you’d like them to do.”

How is it that the “hail the conquering (and hard working) hero!” reception turned into, “We got a big problem, that you need to take care of?” (a.k.a. “Nothing you do is as important as this!”)

Can this be the same couple that were rapturously in love just a few years back?

What happened?

I recently sat down with Elizabeth Danziger, author of Get To The Point. She casually offered an explanation that I wish I knew and appreciated three children ago.

Liz, eminently qualified as a mother of four, said: “Children on a daily basis stretch and use up their mom’s patience to its limit and beyond. And with each subsequent child that patience gets stretched thinner and thinner, until there is nothing left to enable them to be patient with their husband. So when he comes home and tentatively walks into the house, not knowing what he will be confronted with, that pushes his wife to be impatient. When he comes home the least bit preoccupied with something from work, that does the same. If he says something, he’s wrong; if he says nothing, he’s wrong.”

Viewing your wife as completely drained of patience (which you can experience when you are asked to watch your kids on a Sunday without the aid of a nanny or an activity you can just throw them into) can give you an understanding of what it’s like for her. And if you let it sink in, it may cause you to feel less upset and resentful of her.

Furthermore if you understand that your wife’s bond to the children is very deep emotionally, you might realize that she is very committed to protecting your children from hurt. So when she is losing patience with them and it is crossing over into frustration and then anger, she needs to manage than anger lest she be the one who will hurt them. And one of the quickest ways to manage it is to focus on something you’ve done wrong and displace it onto you.

In fact show me a wife and mother who always makes her husband feel he’s wrong and I’ll show you a woman who is constantly using up all of her energy – and patience – to not react angrily towards her children and needing to constantly deflect it onto her husband and away from them.

And the solution?

First if you as the husband can truly understand the joint phenomenon of your wife’s patience being used up and also her needing to deflect her anger at your kids at you, you may be able to let go some of your hurt and anger with her.

Second, if you say to your wife, “Our kids beat the hell out of you today and it’s all that you can do to keep from going off on them. Isn’t that true?” she may blurt out, “I’m a terrible mother” as she vents her own disappointment in herself. If that happens, you have an opportunity to be tender and tell her that she’s not a bad mother and that they are exhausting and that she’s a good mother. That may not only give her relief, you might get lucky tonight.

Third, it doesn’t just have to be the sole responsibility of the husband to deal with this situation. If you’re a mom who feels this way, you can reach out to your husband when he comes home or better yet on the phone before he comes home and say, “I hate to ask you this after you’ve had a long day at work, but I am at my wits end with the kids and I need a break. So when you get home could you please take over for an hour or two ?” You’d be surprised how many husbands would jump at the chance to help out.

Why would they do that? Because your reaching out to them for help, feels a lot better than telling them what they’ve done wrong.

After decades of working with married couples, I have realized that there’s not much I can do if peoples’ mindsets are focused on being right instead of  making their relationship better.

As a result I now focus on partners that are motivated to make their marriage a success and are willing to give up having to be right to do so.  Those couples are often the ones where both partners are marrying for the third time or at least one is for the third time (usually the moneyed one) and the other for at least the second.

It doesn’t always hold true, but it seems that a couple in a first marriage often doesn’t know what to do when each person grows in a different direction and apart from the other.  Rather than accepting this as a reality, they launch full bore into making the other person wrong when in fact they are just different and growing into who they are meant to be.

Then the second marriage is about doing the opposite of the first as a reaction to the other person being wrong.  It is not about admitting and actually taking personal responsibility for problems in that first marriage.  In other words, the narcissistic part of each person’s personality is alive and well and entitled.  If they haven’t taken that personal responsibility for problems, they are often just as likely to run into problems –maybe different ones, but problems nevertheless – the second time around.

The third time may be the charm because after being a two time loser, it becomes more difficult to keep blaming the other person entirely.  What’s the saying?  “Have a failed marriage once, shame on them; have a failed marriage twice, shame on you.” And when you get older, just not wanting to fight is a legitimate resolution to arguments, whereas when you are younger that would seem to be too avoidant and there is often an obsessive need to deal with and resolve all the issues. Also by the time you’re on a third marriage, you’ve gone from believing you’re invincible to wanting to make it to the finish line of life with peace of mind.

Now there are many who will not remarry a third time.  For the ones that do, there are usually habits they have learned that will help their third marriage to succeed (and ones that first and second marriages would do well to learn as well).

12 Habits of Healthy and Happy Third Marriages

1. Talking “with” instead of “at” your mate. Let their body language be your guide. When you’re talking “at” your partner, they’ll tense up. When you’re talking “with” them, they’ll most certainly relax.
2. Tuning in — instead of tuning out — to what your mate is saying. When you mind begins to wander, stop and remember that what your partner is saying is important to them whether you’re interested or not.
3. Remembering to thank your mate. Not thanking your spouse for being considerate, thoughtful or kind makes them feel unappreciated and foolish for caring about you.
4. Saying, “I’m sorry,” instead of becoming defensive. When you mess up, the sooner you sincerely apologize the sooner your mate can stop resenting you.
5. When you say, “I’m sorry,” follow through. An apology buys you another chance. However, if you keep making the same mistake, apologies not only seem empty, but annoying as well.
6. Being on time. Frequently keeping your spouse waiting is not only inconsiderate; it’s arrogant.
7. Not Jumping to conclusions. Presuming that you know what your partner feels — and why — without first getting all the facts is only going to push them away.
8. Not playing the victim. This behavior not only accuses your spouse of hurting you, but adds insult to injury by implying that they’re doing it intentionally, when that may not be the case.
9. Not making the other person wrong. Rather than realizing and accepting that it takes two to make a mistake, they always blame problems on the other.
10. Talk well about your spouse behind their back. When you bad mouth your spouse to others, this not only adds to the list of secrets you keep from your mate, but also tells others how little you respect them.
11. Have ground rules for dealing with a difference of opinion – Having ground rules such as agreeing to not use words like “never” and “always” or agreeing that neither person can become abusive and unrelentingly accusatory – a couples’ disagreement will prevent a disagreement from deteriorating and sometimes reaching the point of cruel words or an action that can’t be taken back.
12. Knowing that doing something once is not enough. If you only temporarily do the above — and don’t continue to monitor yourself to keep from slipping back into bad habits — you’re teasing your partner with changing. You’re also kidding yourself that you’re committed to improving your marriage, when really you’re not.

The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again…and Stay There (Perigee, $15.95)

If you give a child a fish, you feed them for a day;
if you teach a child to fish, you feed them for a lifetime;
but if you teach a child to learn, you feed them for a lifetime
and they don’t have to just eat fish.
- Tim Gallwey, creator of the Inner Game series

Ahh… You’re on vacation and your family is (mostly) getting along. Mom and dad are taking a breather from work and both are almost able to relax. And even though most of you are still checking your Blackberrys and iphones too often, things are going pretty well.

But right around the corner is “back to school” and “back to work” and “back to stress.” One of the most stressful things can be helping your child successfully make the transition back to school and in all likelihood they are not going to be the best sports about it are not “going to go gently into that good car pool or bus.”

What is your role as a parent? I would vouch to say that it is to prepare your child to reach age 18 and be confident, focused, passionate, persevering, patient, resilient, goal-oriented and to handle disappointment and frustration well. Probably most of all it is to teach your child good judgment and the ability to make good decisions especially when they are under pressure.

If developing good judgment is the outcome you’re seeking, what is the best way to interact with your children that results in that? And just as importantly, what are the ways you interact with them and act around them (monkey see, monkey do) that prevent them from developing it?

Clearly if you do things for your child that they should learn to do for themselves you will not only prevent them from developing judgment, you will also prevent them from developing self-reliance, resourcefulness, courage and commitment. And when their peers from India, China and Brazil — who have developed all these qualities — become their bosses, you will prevent your children from being promotable or possibly even hirable.

If you tell them what to do, you will not cripple them as much as if you do it for them, but they will become dependent on you and not develop self-reliance.

If however, you believe in them more than your anxious need to be in control, if you ask them what they think they should do and why and if finally you tell them to give it a try and report back, that will teach them self-reliance, independence and judgment.

Why does your being on a vacation have to do with this?

You have the chance while you’re on a walk or driving casually (vs. their rushing to school and your rushing to work) to talk with your children instead of at them.

And when you do, ask them questions with sincere curiosity about hypothetical situations in the future such as:

“Which of your friends goes too far and wouldn’t surprise you if they got into a lot of trouble this year?” And after they answer, don’t tell them not to be their friends; instead ask them, “Why do you think they’ll get into trouble?” And then after they answer, merely say, “Hmm, that makes sense. Maybe if you’re a good friend, you might be able to help them with that. I guess we’ll just have to see what happens.”

“Which of your subjects do you think you have to stay on top of the homework and which do you think you could do at the last minute if you had to?” And then when they answer that, again say, “Hmm, makes sense to me.”

With such questions you are planting the seeds in them to: a) thinking ahead; b) developing perspective; c) developing judgment.

Meanwhile, enjoy the rest of your vacation.

Please share in the comments your approaches to teaching your child self-reliance, resourcefulness, independence, resilience and judgment.

To learn how to be a better communicator, check out: “Just Listen” (Amacom, $24.95)

The year is 2020 and in their First Annual Offsite entitled, “Mission Earth,” the Christian, Judaic, Islamic, Hindu, Buddhist, Sikh, Bahai, Mormon, Taoist, Confucian, Shinto and all other Gods meet on the far side of the Moon.

It has been a lively and “spirited” week, filled with celebration. At the end, there is consensus and complete agreement as a progress report is handed in regarding, “Mission Earth.”

All agree: “They actually did it! Mankind actually saved themselves and their planet and are on a path to continued health and prosperity.”

Instrumental to that accomplishment, all the Gods agree that various regions of mankind stopped using the names of their Gods to further their personal and selfish agendas and instead all lived to carry out the spirit of each of their Gods which was to care for and take better care of their fellow man, woman and child as well as all living creatures and the planet Earth itself.

In your comments, please state what it is that Mankind specifically does and stops doing between now and 2020 so that all your Gods would come to the conclusion above.

Mother: Do you think he’ll put his fist through the wall?
Father: Let’s hope it’s not his head!
And so begins another evening of pillow talk between the parents of an angry, sullen teenager.

What is well known, but kept private is a dynamic psychotherapists see frequently in families that often contributes to teenage rage.

That occurs when one parent is overbearing and overly controlling (either the mother micromanaging her child’s schoolwork and college application process or the father pushing the child to have more drive, motivation and be more aggressive in athletics) and the other is ineffective at keeping the over-the-top parent in check. This results in many teenagers feeling resentment towards the overbearing parent and contempt mixed with pity for the other parent who can neither stand up for the child of for themselves to the over-controlling one.

Add to this the frequent scenario where teenagers see both parents putting on a very pleasant (and to the teen, phony) facade to the outside world, while carrying on with the abusive/passive behavior at home, and that hypocrisy can push many teenagers over the brink (this may have been a possibility in the famous case of Lyle and Erik Menendez who were convicted of killing their parents in August, 1989).

Among one of teenagers’ best traits is a deep sense of justice, but along with it unfortunately comes a sense of outrage regarding the injustice of this family dynamic and the hypocritical behavior of parents who act so differently in public than at home.

To check if this may be what’s going on with your sullen teenager, ask them in a matter of fact way while going for a drive or during some activity (since they hate unsolicited “heart to heart” talks which always feel like a lecture):

- “What’s the most frustrated and angry you have ever felt with your mom/dad or me?”
- “How bad was it for you?”
- “What did it make you want to do?”
- “What did you do?”

Then say (and mean it): “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was so bad?” Allow for the tears of relief you might unleash in them for finally getting this off their chest.

Finish with: “When I see you doing or not doing something that I believe could hurt you or your future, how do you want me to be with you? I mean, do you want me to say nothing? To wait and let you find out for yourself? To ask your permission to tell you what I see? Or what?”

Then whatever they say, use that approach.

See Also: About Teen Violence: It’s the Rage

Every time a human being kills himself or herself,
God thunders down at us,
“That is not the reason I gave you the gift of life…”
and then God cries.

In the time it takes for you to read this:

• someone in your neighborhood feels they don’t have anything to live for
• someone in your town wishes they were dead
• someone in your city is thinking of a way to kill themselves
• someone in your state has purchased those pills, that gun or decided on that location to carry it out
• someone in this country is heading off to do it
• and someone in this world just did it.
  

Although the pain and despair that drove that person to it might be over (suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem), it has not yet begun for those who loved and cared about that person (regardless of whether they felt it).  And after the minutes to hours to sadly days when that person’s body is discovered, the lives of those who loved them will never be the same again.  For the rest of their lives you won’t be able to look that family member or friend or co-worker or fellow soldier in the eye and not see at least a small portion where the light is forever gone because of the death of the person who just killed themselves.

But this blog entry is meant to be life saving, so to help us all save lives I would ask that any of you who have seriously considered suicide please share what caused you to choose life over death.

You can send leave a comment at: Let’s Save Some Lives or send me one by email to: mgoulston@markgoulston.com where I will post it and delete your email address permanently. God bless you; God bless all of us. If you are currently feeling suicidal and can’t shake it please call:

• USA National Suicide and Crisis Hotlines
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
• Suicide Hotlines
  

A few years ago, I realized I had been holding a grudge against someone for twenty years.  I wasn’t aware of it except when I realized that this person and I had been very close friends until an upset happened, that in retrospect was a result of my taking something personally that wasn’t meant that way.  Shortly thereafter we moved away from each other because our jobs took us to different cities.  Following that I never stayed in touch with him, because I was harboring this long standing animosity.  When twenty years later I became aware of it, I felt guilty and ashamed.  I called my former friend and told him that I believed I owed him an apology for not being in contact with him (truth be told, he had not reached out to me either), because I had been holding a grudge against him that was completely unfounded.

Not being as neurotic as I and not having felt a grudge toward me, my friend responded: “Hey Mark, it’s great to hear from you.  I never thought anything came between us.  I just thought we moved away from each other and went about living our lives. Glad you called, what’s been happening to you after all these years?”

I hemmed and hawed and filled him in about my life and then he filled me in.  After we hung up, I felt better, but felt like an idiot.  I felt he hadn’t given it another thought, since he was not bothered by the kinds of hang ups that I have.  Then a few days later, he called me and said: “Hey Mark, where will you be this coming weekend?  Because if you’ll be at your home in Los Angeles, I would like to bring my wife and kids to meet your family.”  Which is what we did.  Apparently, my call had an impact.  I also realized that I hadn’t completely let go of my grudge until I called my friend to apologize.  He didn’t need to hear my apology, but I needed to hear me make it so that I could be freed from my negative feelings.

I think what holds us back from letting go of anger is that we don’t forgive as long as we need to blame.  And we need to blame as long as we are unable to admit and feel the hurt from being injured by someone else.  And we are unable to feel the hurt underneath, because doing so makes us feel vulnerable and fearful of a second attack that we are convinced would be too much to bear.

Apologizing to someone you have a grudge against who has hurt you is about letting go of your anger at them.  It doesn’t mean giving a hurtful person a second chance to hurt you again.  It also doesn’t mean doing this with a violent or abusive person, who you’d do best to steer clear of.

One of the best approaches I know to short circuit your emotions when you’re upset and before you become angry and start down the road of holding a grudge is to:

1. Say to yourself, “I’m reacting!”
2. Answer the question to yourself: “What am I feeling hurt or disappointed about right now?” (If you can’t get through the anger to the hurt or at least to the disappointment, it may be because the narcissistic part of your personality is too strong).
3. Answer the question to yourself: “What is my evidence that the other person meant to hurt or disappoint me? And might I be taking something personal that wasn’t meant that way? And if I am taking it personally and it is not meant that way, I need to let it go.”

Another approach to nip anger in the bud comes from one of my friends, Bob Pratt, President of Volunteers of America Los Angeles, is one of the least grudge holding and most even tempered people I know.  I asked him his secret.  He told me, “Whenever somebody does something hurtful to me, I assume innocence and that they are doing it, because someone has done something hurtful to them.  So, the person who acts with Road Rage to you is behaving that way, because something bad happened to them. My view is one should stop evil people when you encounter them, but there really are very few evil people in the world.  Everyone else is flawed including you and me.  And just as I would like people to cut me some slack because of my flaws, I have a policy of doing the same to them.”

I converted a Road Rager to a friend some years ago by virtue of the lesson that Bob has learned (i.e by having them see that my bad driving was because I was having a bad day).  I was having one of the most frustrating days of my life where it seemed that everything I did went wrong.  I was driving on Sepulveda Blvd. in Los Angeles as it enters into the San Fernando Valley in a place called Sherman Oaks.  I was so preoccupied that I cut off this older 6 foot 5 guy in his pick up truck, not once, but twice.  After the second time, he pulled in front of me and stopped and I was so dazed I just stopped when he did.  I could see that his wife was telling him not to go out to confront me.  He didn’t listen and stormed out of his truck to start a fight with me.  He came over beside my window and started swearing and yelling at me.  I was so out of it, I opened my driver side window to hear what he was saying.  He continued to make threatening gestures at me.

When he paused for a moment I said to him, “Have you ever had such an awful day where everything has blown up in your face, and that you just wish someone would come along and shoot you to put you out of your misery? Are you that person?”

He immediately changed and said, “What?”

I repeated, “Have you ever had such an awful day where everything has blown up in your face, and that you just wish someone would come along and shoot you to put you out of your misery? Are you that person?”

He then said in a calming voice, “Hey, it’s okay, calm down, it’s all going to be alright.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” I blurted back, “you haven’t had a day where everything you have done turned to crap.  Really, I’m not kidding.”

He then proceeded to try to calm me down and reassure me some more.  After a couple minutes he went back into his truck, and waved to me in the rear view mirror as if to say, “Now settle down, it’s going to be alright.”  And then he drove away and in a few moments I did the same.

Please share in the comments what you have discovered that has helped you to let go of a grudge (I assume that if you enjoy holding grudges, you will not have read this far).