The Website of Dr. Mark Goulston

For most Americans, July 4th is about family, food and fireworks. But for the recently divorced, particularly those with children, the holiday presents yet another challenge they must negotiate.

While Thanksgiving, Christmas or Passover often get more attention, Independence Day is important to children shuffling from home to home, particularly over a three-day weekend as is the case this year.

“As for shared parenting over the holidays, the most important thing is to keep the kids’ interests in mind,” said Lisa Cohn, expert from www.stepfamilyadvice.com and author of “The Step-Tween Survival Guide.” “That may mean spending time with your ex (if you get along well enough), sharing your kids with your ex (so they get to be with both parents over the holidays) or simply agreeing to let your kids spend the holiday with your ex — for their sake.”

Brette McWhorter Sember, a retired attorney and author of a number of books, including “The Divorce Organizer and Planner,” said “July 4th should be a holiday set out in your parenting plan. If it’s not, you need to follow your regular schedule unless you can come to another agreement.” With new divorces involving a million children each year, according to the National Center for Policy Analysis, each passing holiday – July 4th or otherwise — presents a new set of parents with the struggle of how to make happy holiday memories out of a family situation that is forever changed.

“The 4th of July, like any holiday, can bring up painful memories of happier times, especially if you have children,” said Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, author of “How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?” “With the pain comes a choice. You can acknowledge the past for what it was and value the good times you might have had together — and then let go. Or you can torment yourself with the shoulds. We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he’s doing to us. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn’t. You get the idea.”

Suzy Yehl Marta, founder of Rainbows International, a not-for-profit organization that helps children deal with loss due to divorce, death or incarceration of a family member, urges parents to ask this question: “What do I want my children’s memory to be about their childhood?” Sember agreed: “Most adults see July 4th as a minor holiday, but to kids it’s a big deal. Fireworks are exciting, as is staying up late to see them, so don’t minimize the importance of the day.”

According to Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D., authors of: “Sandwiched Boomers: How to Nourish Relationships without Starving Yourself” and founders of www.hermentorcenter.com, “…holidays will continue to be an annual event. Let go of anger and resentment as you find meaning in the new life you are building with your children. Make an effort to get caught up in the pleasure of this wonderful moment.”

The same advice holds true for newly divorced singles, who may be reminded during the annual family backyard barbeque that they now face an uncertain future alone. “The holidays are supposed to be a time of coming together, and when you have just come apart, you feel like you don’t belong,” said Robert Emery, Ph.D., director of the Center for Children, Families and the Law at the University of Virginia.

Psychologist Dorothy W. Cantor said the newly divorced, whether parents or not, need to remember that each holiday will get progressively easier as time passes. “You’ll get past it,” she said. “There is life after divorce.”

Here are some tips from divorce360.com to make this fourth of July a little easier for the newly divorced, parents or not.

1. Plan, plan, plan.
If you’re a single, don’t wait until the last minute to make your holiday plans, so you’re not sitting at home alone watching the fireworks on TV. Try to spend the day with people who are supportive and understanding of what you’re going through. If you are a parent, talk to your ex-spouse about what to do with the kids over the holiday.

Jennifer Millner, special counsel with the law firm Fox Rothschild, believes it’s critical for ex-spouses talk it through for the sake of the children. “As hard as it may be, have a conversation about the holidays with the other parent. Children need the structure and security of knowing where they are going and when. Remember, it is the child who suffers in the long run,” she said.

If the children are with the ex, Marta urges the other parent to make plans to do something for the holiday that feeds the self. If you need time to feel sad, set aside a limited amount to do so. Then visit a friend, plan a home project or do something you’d never get to do when the kids were home.

Also, don’t make your children feel guilty about being with the other parent on the holiday. “Follow along with the custody arrangements and celebrate the child on the way out the door…,” said Marta.

2. Make new traditions.
Don’t focus on what you did last year. “As hard as it may be, by focusing less on how the holiday and family were last year, and more on your children’s perspective now, you’re already moving in a new direction. As you honor them by hearing what they wants to do, it will help you all through this experience,” Goldberg and Lichtman wrote.

Goldberg and Lichtman said parents should talk “share ideas about the new traditions you can create and celebrate together. And make the planning a joint effort. Recognize that, while a holiday lasts only a specified period of time, your relationship with your children goes on forever.”

Mark Goulston, a California psychiatrist whose written four books, including “The Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again … and Stay There,” offered this tip: “Take your children and spend time at a VA hospital volunteering in some way to show your children, these veterans are the men and women who fought so that we can be free in this country…” Goulston also suggested that parents who have good relationships could use the holiday to discuss how to raise successfully independent children, despite the divorce. A place to start the conversation: ” If we are to be successful as parents, our kids need to enter adulthood with self-confidence, focus, optimism, stick-to-it-ness, humor, self-reliance, resourcefulness and without self-doubt, being scattered, pessimism, quiting too soon, being humorless, dependent, and being unresourceful. I think we should both talk with them about what it means to be ‘independent’ and see if we can get them to define it using some of those terms and then ask them how they think they could develop it,” he said.

3. Be realistic.
All holidays are an emotionally stressful time. Whether it’s Christmas or the fourth of July, if you plan too much in one day it’s emotionally and physically exhausting. Both can lead to overload and be the spark for the kind of fireworks you weren’t intending, particularly with children.

Goldberg and Lichtman said parents should keep their expectations of the holiday realistic. “In the past, you may have repeated family rituals together each year – now things will be different,” they wrote. If you’re single and are reminded of what you did last year with your ex, ask yourself: were you happy? Were you fighting? What was really happening in your marriage? Was your spouse keeping a BIG secret from you? Look at it this way, this year you won’t be in the house with someone who doesn’t want you. Rejoice!

“Use this holiday as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself,” Sedacca said. “You are creating a new future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. Next July 4th can be one of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.”

4. Think healthy, stay healthy.
If you’re at a backyard barbeque all day, it can be tempting to eat your way through the hamburgers and hot dogs and drink one too many beers. Particularly if you’re feeling alone and depressed about the breakup, you may want to resort to unhealthy habits. However, alcohol and overeating will only make you feel worse.

Find healthy alternatives, said David Knox, author of “The Divorced Dad’s Survival Book,” and a professor of sociology at East Carolina University. Instead, try a little self discipline at the buffet table and a little exercise to help improve your outlook. Exercise produces endorphins that lessen your feelings of sadness after a divorce or other loss. And over the long term, you’ll be glad you exercised a little control.

5. Realize you’re not alone.
If you are a single, there’s always someone willing to help you through the holidays, but you have to make the decision to reach out. “Keep the holiday simple and engage the support of others. Being together with those who love you is really most important. So don’t hesitate to let family or friends help you decorate, plan the activities or bring potluck,” Goldberg and Lichtman said.

But more than that, Sedacca added: “Use this holiday as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a new future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows…. Next July 4th can be one of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.”