The Website of Dr. Mark Goulston

In my 25 years as a psychiatrist, I have found that the elements of a lasting relationship are hidden in plain sight. The “secret” elements are chemistry… respect… enjoyment… acceptance… trust… empathy.

When these elements are abundant, a relationship is vital and strong. When any one of them is in short supply, the relationship is troubled.

To make a relationship last…

Identify where it has deteriorated. Have dialogue to air resentments, correct misunderstandings and develop solutions to which both partners commit.

Take steps to keep the six elements out in the open, where they can be nurtured by you and your partner — so you can stay in love.

KEEP THE CHEMISTRY

Chemistry is the passion that sweeps you away when you first fall in love.

Test yourself: How often are you turned on by the way your partner looks dressed and undressed?

Answers: 1/Rarely… 2/Sometimes… 3/Often.

EARN EACH OTHER’S RESPECT

This has more to do with how good a person you are — and how good a person your partner is — than how good each of you makes the other feel. You demonstrate respect by how well you listen.

Test yourself: How often do you listen to your partner and hear him/her all the way through without interrupting?

Answers: 1/Rarely… 2/Sometimes… 3/Often.

ENJOY EACH OTHER

This is about having fun being together. When you’re with your spouse — or think about him — it makes you feel lighter and puts a smile on your face. Unpleasant people — judgmental, easy to disappoint and difficult to please — drain your energy.

Test yourself: How often do you and your partner dine alone together?

Answers: 1/Rarely… 2/Sometimes… 3/Often.

ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER AS IS

It is better to hope for change, rather than to keep acceptance contingent on changes being made. When acceptance is missing, partners feel judged and as if they can’t do anything right.

Test yourself: How often do you feel you can be yourself with your partner?

Answers: 1/Rarely… 2/Sometimes… 3/Often.

BUILD TRUST

Trust makes it safe to confide fears and dreams without concern that what you say will be exploited, betrayed, trivialized or ridiculed. It takes seconds to destroy trust — and years to rebuild it.

Test yourself: How often are you able to tell your partner things you feel embarrassed or ashamed about?

Answers: 1/Rarely… 2/Sometimes… 3/Often.

EMPATHY TO DEFUSE RESENTMENT

Empathy is about understanding and feeling understood by your partner. It’s asking, “What’s it like for my partner right now?” Don’t presume you know.

Test yourself: How frequently do you feel understood by your partner?

Answers: 1/Rarely… 2/Sometimes… 3/Often.

HOW DO YOU RATE?

If you and your partner scored 3′s across the board, you have the basis for a lasting relationship. Congratulations!

If, however, either you or your partner scored less than 3 in any of the six areas, you may want to improve.

Set aside time to talk through when and why any of those areas deteriorated. Make every effort to have a dialogue instead of a debate… to talk with instead of at or over… to listen openly rather than defensively.

Then decide what each of you specifically needs to do now to restore the chemistry, respect, enjoyment, acceptance, trust and empathy so that you can fall in love again — and stay there.

SOURCE: The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again…and Stay There (Perigee, $15.95)