The Website of Dr. Mark Goulston

Also seen at Basil and Spice

What would it mean to your life if instead of worrying about who is going to put a knife in your back you had people who had your back and refused to let you fail? Read the rest of this entry »

Being a “people pleaser” is not the problem,
it’s being a people pleaser to takers
who don’t give back, or even say, “Thank you.”

My wife used to tell me that I gave away my time and effort much too freely.  She was right, but I refused to listen. Then I had an incident where I gave too much to someone who turned out to be a psychopath.  I was lucky to escape with as little damage as I did.  My sanity was not as lucky. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve been re-thinking my blog about the importance of being someone who engenders Trust, Confidence and Respect and the connection of those to being popular.

I think they’re all important and should be determining factors, but on further reflection I must admit that popularity is initially most connected to being likable. (The best reference on this is Tim Sander’s book The Likability Factor.

From a neuroscience point of view likability triggers the release of dopamine which is what makes you feel pleasure and puts a smile on your face.

I think my oversight as to this important factor is that I am not unlikable, but my likability greatly lags behind my trustworthiness and competence and hopefully respectworthiness. Sometimes I think I need to wake up and just smell the roses, pause, say “Ahhh,” and then hopefully smile. Such is the dilemma of a talking head.
More on Barack Obama
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Ah yes. As my friend Michael Josephson would say, “Character Counts.” I like to think of character is standing up for the right thing against those who don’t, courage is stopping those who don’t do the right thing.

Thank you for your comment.
More on Barack Obama
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

first seen at Huffington Post

President Obama was recently chosen as the most popular leader in the world. It may not be a matter of popularity, but a matter of respect..

Trustworthiness and Competence will get you a nod of approval, but only being Respectworthy will gain you sustained loyalty. There are three key components to earning Respect: Clarity, Preparation, Integrity. Together they form your CPI Index™. When perception of these qualities goes down, so too do other’s respect for you.

Individuals who have Clarity are neither confused nor confusing when it comes to who they are and what they want. They are very clear in the goals they have set for themselves and understand what they need to do in order to make those goals a reality. If you have ever had the chance to work for or under an individual who has that clarity, you would probably agree that they are self-assured, exude positive energy and make great leaders. On the other hand, if you’ve had the misfortune to work for an individual who is confused and/or confusing in terms of what they envision, they exasperate or at the very least frustrate you and as a result command little if no respect. Typically, that type of person stands for nothing and when you discovered it, you lost respect for them that you never got back. People who possess clarity trigger our admiration.

Individuals who properly Prepare do not shoot from the hip. They think long and hard about what they want to accomplish and how they will get it done. They have a plan and they execute. By doing their due diligence on the front end, they are better prepared to leads others to a positive result. By being properly prepared, they understand that even if they get knocked off course they will be able to get back on track and pick up where they left off. People who are prepared have experience, but more importantly learn from it and develop judgment. Those that are not prepared have no idea what their course might be and as a result when they get knocked off, they simply cannot come back because there is no plan to climb back on to. Prepared individuals bring solutions to problems. Unprepared individuals seemingly make excuses, blame or “whine” without a constructive solution. Individuals who are prepared are self-assured, exude energy and are the people that most people want to be around. People who are prepared inspire confidence.

Individuals who have Integrity are the type of individuals we all want to be around! These are the individuals who do what they say they are going to do. They are the leaders who stay the course no matter what the circumstances might be because they are committed to a vision that rests soundly or core values dedicated to serving and enriching the common good. We all have come across those who talk a good game but when the “rubber meets the road,” we find that their substance is weak or nonexistent. In contrast, high integrity individuals have the judgment to know the right thing to do, the character to stand up to those who don’t do it and the courage to stop those who won’t do it. In life, we all have opportunities and challenges. It is easy to stay the course when things are going well. It is when we hit a pothole in the road that throws us off course that really tests our mettle and our commitment to ourselves and to those around us. Most people want to know that a leader will be there when the chips are down. Integrity is everything! You can spend a lifetime building it and it only takes one situation where you did not live up to your commitment to tear it down. On the other hand, people with integrity are not perfect and do make honest mistakes. But when they do, they don’t lie or pass the buck. Rather they take full responsibility for them and then take corrective action to not repeat them (think J.F.K. and theBay of Pigs). Reputation and integrity are the foundation of the good leadership. Those, who hold that dear, will not tolerate anyone who lacks integrity. People with integrity engender trust.

A person who is universally respected, that best embodies these qualities and that to me has the highest CPI Index™ is former UCLA basketball coach John Wooden. His high level of clarity, preparation and integrity engender deep admiration, confidence and trust. For example, with regard to integrity there is the story of how he wanted to coach for Indiana and they had told him that they would call him to let him know by 6:00 PM on a particular day their decision. On that day, Wooden waited and did not hear from them by that time and was called at 6:05 by UCLA who offered him the job which he accepted. At 6:15 Indiana called to say they had tried to call him, but couldn’t get through. Wooden responded that he had already accepted the UCLA offer and he would not go back on his word.

Now that we have defined clarity, preparation and integrity and hopefully agree on their importance to effective leadership, how do Presidents and how did recent candidates stack up? What is their “CPI Index™“? On a scale of one to 10 measure each on these values — 1 being” negligible” with 10 being “outstanding” - how do they measure up?

If we look at prior elections and prior candidates, the ones who were elected were perceived to have a high CPI index™. Those with a low index fell by the wayside. Bill Clinton was perceived as being high in clarity and preparation and his (personal vs. professional) integrity mainly came into question after he had one and half terms under his belt. Al Gore was perceived as being prepared and having integrity, but alas, he just didn’t come off as clear as George Bush in 2000. John Kerry was perceived as being somewhat prepared on issues, but lacked clarity and was perceived as having “flip flop” integrity issues. Howard Dean seemed clear and to have integrity, but in lacking self-awareness of how he could turn off people, he was unprepared. George Bush possibly prevailed in both 2000 and 2004 because he was perceived as being clear and in having integrity (especially with regard to doing what he said he was going to do). And if he was perceived as being unprepared, he was perceived as being advised by people with a lot of experience and expertise (a la Ronald Reagan another high in clarity, high in integrity president).

Part of the reason for the incredible enmity toward him now is for his perceived lack of integrity as more and more information comes forth regarding decisions and policies.

As we consider the cast of candidates from the 2008 election, it was difficult viewing them as possessing a sustained John Wooden level CPI index. On any given day any one of the qualities can appear to be lacking.

Compared to Obama, Hilary Clinton was perceived as off the charts in preparation especially with her husband as confidante and advisor at her side and given her experience as a Senator. However she lacked clarity and integrity in the eyes of voters. And her integrity was deeply marred by her appearing to be more about maneuvering to get elected, than what she would do once in office. Also, she didn’t seem to know who she was (as if she had been listening too much to her advisors). In the end, her ambition to win seemed more apparent than an aspiration to make the world better, which ironically we are now perceiving her as doing in her capacity as Secretary of State.

McCain’s CPI index was probably the most consistently high of all candidates, both Republican and Democrat. However his insistence on reacting negatively towards Obama instead of focusing on solutions may have done him in.

Obama was perceived as high in clarity and integrity and lower in preparation. And it was that lower score in preparation, i.e. lack of experience that Clinton tried to focus on. Also to Obama and his wife’s benefited from seeming to know who they are and aspiring to work with us to create a better world. And also what worked and still works in his favor is that Obama comes off as more aspirational (i.e. aspiring to create a better world) than ambitious.

Presently Obama enjoys continuing high ratings (except by the far politically Right, whose Integrity in terms of caring about the common good is highly suspect) because he has a high CPI Index™. He is actually becoming Clearer, is becoming experienced and using that experience to become increasingly Prepared, and his Integrity is also growing as he appears to be doing or giving his best effort to doing what he says he will do as well as taking responsibility for his actions and “messups.”

What’s your CPI Index™?

Just attended another moving Memorial Day ceremony at the Los Angeles National Ceremony. One of the most memorable speakers recited a poem I had not heard before by Charles Michael Province, U.S. Army entitled:

It is the Soldier

It is the Soldier, not the minister
Who has given us freedom of religion.
It is the Soldier, not the reporter
Who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the Soldier, not the poet
Who has given us freedom of speech.
It is the Soldier, not the campus organizer
Who has given us freedom to protest.
It is the Soldier, not the lawyer
Who has given us the right to a fair trial.
It is the Soldier, not the politician
Who has given us the right to vote.
It is the Soldier who salutes the flag,
Who serves beneath the flag,
And whose coffin is draped by the flag,
Who allows the protester to burn the flag.

© Charles Michael Province, U.S. Army
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Cheryl, I appreciate your taking the time to remember our soldiers and veterans. They’re on my mind as you can see from my blog at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-goulston-md/memorial-day-2009—sacri_b_207214.html. I will be attending the Memorial Day ceremony at Los Angeles National Ceremony tomorrow 10:30-12 as I do every year. I find it centers me. I sometimes go to the cemetery on other days for the same reason.
Bless you for the work you do. I think you might appreciate how: “wealth is what you take from the world, worth is what you give back.”
More on Vietnam
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

First seen at Huffington Post

The opposite of selfishness is not generosity, it’s sacrifice.

 Selfishness ———-> Generosity ———-> Sacrifice

Last Memorial Day, television actor and Marine Hugh O’Brien spoke to the assembled audience at the Los Angeles National Cemetery and told us that we were there to honor the all who gave some and the some who gave all so the rest of us could be free.  

I didn’t serve in Vietnam because I pulled 363 in the draft lottery. I have spent the last forty years living a good life. My high school classmates, Arthur Stroyman and Paul Dunne, have spent the last forty years on the wall of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. My children age 27, 24 and 19 have also had a blessed life going to nice colleges and now have jobs. During the same time my good friend Jane Bright’s son Evan Ashcraft was killed in Iraq. The pain and anger threatened to consume Jane until she focused on what Evan kept writing to her in his letters: “When I come home from Iraq, I just want to help people. Evan” To fulfill his dream Jane and her husband Jim established the Evan Ashcraft Foundation.

Every day I drive by the intersection of Sepulveda and Wilshire Blvd. in Los Angeles. And each time I usually see a veteran of an older war. They are now beginning to be replaced by veterans from Afghanistan and Iraq, by people the age of my children. On a good day, I’ll roll down my window and give one a dollar. But on most days I’ll be on my Blackberry on a call of questionable import and just wave the veteran on refusing to even make eye contact.

I can no longer sit back and do nothing. (And after reading Jayne Lyn Stahl’s disturbing blog, An Insult to Service I hope you will no longer be able to do nothing either).

I don’t think honoring those who gave so much so we can be free — the soldiers, veterants, police, firefighters and their families — is enough; we need to repay them for their sacrifice.

I dedicated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for Dummies to those who sacrificed so much to create peace on Earth so they might regain peace of mind.

In celebration of Memorial Day I thought it was timely to spread the word about the Aids and Attendance Program to qualified Vets who could benefit from assistance with their care needs. 

The Veterans’ Administration offers a Special Pension with Aid and Attendance (A&A) benefit that is largely unknown.  This Special Pension (part of the VA Improved Pension program) allows for Veterans and surviving spouses who require the regular attendance of another person to assist in eating, bathing, dressing, undressing or taking care of the needs of nature to receive additional monetary benefits.  It also includes individuals who are blind or a patient in a nursing home because of mental or physical incapacity.  Assisted care in an assisted living facility also qualifies.

This most important benefit is overlooked by many families with Veterans or surviving spouses who need additional monies to help care for ailing parents or loved ones.  This is a “pension benefit” and is not dependent upon service-related injuries for compensation.  Most Veterans who are in need of assistance qualify for this pension.  Aid and Attendance can help pay for care in the home, nursing home or assisted living facility.  A Veteran is eligible for up to $1,632 per month, while a surviving spouse is eligible for up to $1,055 per month.  A couple is eligible for up to $1,949 per month.

Find out more at: VeteranAid.org

PS:  Please forward this information to someone who could use it!   

First seen at Huffington Post

The silo walls are tall and deep,
but he’s got promises to keep
and miles to go before he sleeps.

On June 12, 1987, President Ronald Reagan spoke to the people of West Berlin at the base of the Brandenburg Gate, near the Berlin wall. In that speech he uttered his famous words: “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” This may be remembered as one of his greatest speeches. On Nov. 9-11, 1989, the people of a free Berlin tore down that wall.

It’s now twenty two years later and the world seems to be saying the same thing to President Obama, who clearly gets the message. He in turn appears to be telling America to do the same. But America is resisting. America is pushing back.

But these walls are different walls. They are the thick siloed walls that have kept America insulated and isolated from the rest of world. For more than two hundred years the two oceans and non-threatening countries to the North and South and this apparent barrier to entry allowed America to grow and prosper and surpass all other nations of the world. However what has enabled us to get to this point is now preventing us from progressing further. We are still reeling and have not found are footing from 9/11 which replaced a relative secure barrier to hostile invasion to living under the shadow of intermittent Code Orange Threat levels. Countries that embrace and work together synergistically - even adopting a common currency, the Euro - are passing us by.

There are three ways to break down the silos that separate America from other countries and separate Americans from each other, Democrats and Republicans from each other, men and women from each other, rich and poor from each other, young and old (and all the generations between) from each other.

More accurately, when these ways are engaged in, the walls spontaneously fall.

1. The sky above. An African native who was visiting Manhattan remarked, “They don’t see the sky.” The sky above is a shared, uplifting and ennobling vision that peoples in every silo will gladly work towards. One possibility I’d suggest is the vision of a world that your and my great grandchildren (who I will likely not live to see, but who the children I adore and who in turn will adore their children will) will one day walk into will be full of possibility for success based on merit, free of war, with health, freedom, liberty and justice for all
2. The ground below. That is our shared humanity. When someone reaches out to us or we to them to demonstrate spontaneous acts of kindness and generosity and to be vulnerable (in the open vs. the threatened sense), we not only touch into our shared humanity, we touch our WE that really can overcome and the WE that are the world
3. Communication with instead of at or over each other. It’s rare that people talk with each other. In fact it seems almost that talking to each other is losing out to talking at each other. Perhaps the greatest single example of the power of talking with instead of at each other not only brought down walls, it ended the Cold War. It occurred in 1985 when Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev said he and President Ronald Reagan “stopped demonizing one another.” Reagan was leaving the room after an angry exchange - but stopped and “in one moment switched his focus, his mental state, his emotion from anger to engagement. … He then said calmly, ‘This isn’t working. May I call you Mikhail and will you call me Ron?’ Gorbachev says that was the first step in shifting their relationship.

The challenge that Obama faces however is that these three ways of dealing with each other and life in general appear to be currently highly un-American (Dick Cheney is the poster child for just how absent they are). Regardless of his efforts to entreat us to develop and move towards a shared, ennobling vision, Americans seem locked in a “zero sum” game of “the hell with you, what’s in it for me.”

America is also a country that exalts in emotionality and excitement and stimulation but runs away from experiencing and expressing feelings. And trust me, as much as women claim they are in touch with their feelings more than men, both genders, and for that matter all generations are equally out of touch with their feelings. Americans run from feeling their hurt and fear as hurt and fear and will do anything to keep from feeling them (which by the way makes them all calm down) and in the bargain lose touch with each other’s and their own humanity.

Finally, talking with each other requires perhaps one of the skills most lacking in contemporary American life. And that is the ability to “Just Listen.”